Big Little Lies
A tour de force by all involved, but hats off especially to Nicole Kidman.
At first I wanted to write a letter to the producer (whom I assumed was a man) to let them know that the Perry character was not confident enough and too sensitive and emotional to be an abuser. I still think his character is extremely flawed. Points they should have highlighted:
SML
1 It may take up to 24 months for an abuser to start becoming physically violent. In that time the abuser manipulates the women into believing that she is the problem but he loves her even though ‘no one else will’. Put a frog in boiling water and it jumps out. Put it in luke warm water, heat it to boiling point slowly and the frog doesn’t realise it is dying until it is too late. Never judge a woman in that situation. She thinks she is the problem. Also never forget that your brain physically alters and you become addicted to the abuser. Thanks for that part of my anatomy, it just means that your relationship with your abuser is extremely passionate and you will most likely confuse violence with passion. Do you know how difficult it is to give up a PHYSICAL ADDICTION? Please read up on this if you don’t believe me. Let’s just quickly, overnight, quit smoking or cocaine. Or overeating. Leaving a person is worse than saying goodbye to a non-human addiction. Heroine doesn’t cry when you leave it. You don’t feel responsible for the happiness of the bag of cocaine you are snorting.
2 They never ever lose control and then apologise immediately unless caught by someone. Nothing is let to chance though, these are your greatest control freaks. The scene in the dressing room where Perry hurt Celeste and immediately said sorry, brings about the feeling that the violence is a new thing in their relationship which spans more than 7 years (the twins being 6 and Celeste struggled to get pregnant). This is highly unrealistic because an abuser does not change. Perry would have abused her for at least 5 years and would not have been so uncontrolled. If this was a new thing after years of knowing him, Perry must have been going through something temporary and Celeste would just have been caught in the cross fire, also Perry would have done something about it and it would have stopped. Because it would have been possible for him to stop. If Celeste needs to leave Perry according to the psychologist, then he needs to have been a real abuser from the start and not a fumbling, almost novice – like violent person. Perry is however a psychopath and definitely fits the profile according to what the producers would like us to think.
3 NO abuser will suggest going to a psychologist unless he and the psychologist are friends. He is not going to expose his dirty little secrets to someone who is trained to see these things. Nope. Unless he has a way to make you feel crazier than you are. Abusers like to pretend that you are the crazy one and they will only use a psychologist to affirm that you are driving him mad and it is all your fault. Perry immediately started confessing in the psychologist’s office and this was so unrealistic that I cussed and swore at the television.
3 the leading cause of death among women worldwide, regardless of race or class or country, is spousal abuse. This may even result in suicide, but still: the person you sleep next to every night is most likely going to be the cause of your death if you are a woman. I am waiting to watch the last two episodes, but I think Celeste may be one of those many many victims…
So what did they get right?
EVERYTHING NICOLE KIDMAN DOES IS RIGHT.
I have been out of my abusive relationship for almost ten years. I immediately started crying when recognizing the way the psychologist probed Celeste for answers. That was just too close to home. Nicole, not unlike your name sake, Nicole Brown Simpson, you bring these real issues to our attention and let other women in a similar boat know that this is NOT going to end well. Thank you for making me deal with issues I didn’t know I still had. If any of my friends or followers even just suspect that they may be abused, please write to me so that I may try to hook you up with a psychologist who will be completely unobjectively.
Alternatively google 7cupsof tea and talk to someone for free. You need to talk to people and if talking is prohibited, you need to start asking why. What is he hiding? Why can you not talk to a friend about your relationship? Why can’t you have any friends that he did not bring into the relationship? How often do you see your family? What is he hiding from your family?? The people that love and care for you? Look, the person who changed your diaper most likely does not want to see you hurt and hiding this from them will hurt more in future when you are DEAD. Your mom having to identify your bloody corpse is not a nice Christmas gift. She will rather go through the terrible threats and stalking most likely to follow than bury you. Leaving him will be the most difficult thing you have ever EVER done. Breaking the addiction and also dealing with the aftermath – my ex threatened to tell my whole family that I was untrue during the relationship. This should not have bothered me as much as it did but he had spread lies about me in the past and it really got me into trouble at work. I didn’t want to take the risk and you will feel the same sweet soul. But… BUT BUT BUT think of your family, think of your daughter, think of the next girl, and take back your life, your personality and your body. Be an example. One day you will wake up and realize that his hold has been broken. One day you will watch a television programme and you will realize that you could have still been in that prison and you will break down into violent sobs as you are both thankful and free, but also so damn concerned for all the other victims out there. Lets first start by being by our own best friends and then best friends with our sisters out there. Rihanna, Nicole, Çeleste, Zelda… I love you guys and I will never stop trying to advocate equal rights.
Keep the faith and keep each other safe.