Paul James Tamayo

Defining Commitment in a Mature Relationship Paul Tamayo “Freedom is not the absence of commitments, but the ability to choose and commit myself to what is best for me.” –Paulo Coelho, The Zahir Love could be carefree, even careless at times. It is spontaneous, natural and pure in its form. It is a thing of uncontainable beauty and unfathomable magic. When you are deeply in love, almost everything seems to be at ease. Working becomes inspiring, doing chores is not that of a burden anymore, and waiting for a weekend getaway with your partner is a sweet agony. But love is not love if it’s just a free-flowing stream. True love is forged through raging fire, not through the slight rush of the wind. It comes with days of toxic hours spent on overthinking and painful realizations. You do your best to make your partner feel loved, only to find out that you have hurt and disappointed her. And yes, there will be times that you’ll feel you are not capable to love and be loved. So, if there will come a time that you will have questions and regrets, to what aspect of your relationship do you turn to for it to keep going? Is it hope for a future that you will build together? Is it fear of losing her to someone? Could it be your anxiety that you will be left alone? All of these could be factors but ultimately, it is your invaluable commitment that will be put to test. At some point, your partner will hurt you. Do you strike back? No matter how true your partner’s feelings are for you, she will always have the ability to hurt you. It may be an old flame from the past that keeps coming back, or decisions in the present that cause uncertainties and dampen your relationship. She will eventually cause you disappointments and frustrations. Sometimes, you feel like she does not want this as much as you want it. So, the important question is do you fight back? When it feels like she is veering away from you, do you go and look for attention from somebody else? Do you intentionally punish her for her shortcomings through painful words of accusations? Do you treat her badly when she commits a mistake or do you lick your wounds and still extend a caring hand for her to move on? Your commitment to your professed love for her will surprisingly make you lovingly look at her despite the hurt she has caused you. Circumstances can change and the wind will eventually change its direction, but your love for her should still remain unwavering and undivided. Your partner will remind you of your anxieties and worries. Do you constantly fight to change your perspective or do you get rid of her? You have been cheated on and tramped upon in the past. You were wrongfully treated and blatantly aggrieved. Your past has been a frightful and terrorizing thought. You are afraid that this trauma will not go away. So, trust me when I say this: It won’t be over. The memories will remain both in your mind and in your heart. Some days you seem to be over it, but there will be times that you’ll feel the very pain that you went through in the past. Because of the depressing condition that you felt, you have these thoughts that there will be somebody who will permanently erase those repressing ghosts. However, you will find out that the very person you love and loves you will be the source of your anxieties. You would think that she is too good for you and in turn, you become deeply worried that you would not be able to love her in a way that she deserves. You are constantly anxious that she will find someone better. You always think that your face will not be the one that she will keep on looking for in a crowd. These saddening thoughts will not go away. But you cannot let these thoughts hurt your intimacy with your partner. You cannot just disconnect and detach yourself from her because you are scared to be in the dark again. Your commitment to her will create in you a heart of understanding and patience. Every day, you will learn to switch your perspective and naively see her as someone who will love you endlessly, no matter how idealistic and dreamy this thought is. You see, being in a relationship is not just for the grandeur and the comfort it gives. It is never a one-way street. You get loved and you get hurt. Life will never be the way it is if we just feel the emotions we want to feel. Relationships are defined not by the bliss and the luxury of having somebody to take care of you, but by how we respond when the hurricanes hit us. Do you immediately push the emergency button? Do you panic, turn back and run away? Or do you stay pat and hold on to each other tighter than ever? Let’s face it. If somebody hurts you deep in the guts, it is so difficult to not hate that person. You are enraged. You long to extract vengeance. But the beauty of love is that it sees, and it understands. It is patient. It is forgiving. And when the heart fails, your commitment enters the picture. Committing to somebody is not conditional as love should be unconditional in its totality. Stop having the pettiness of a relationship through a portrait of provisional and tentative conditions. If you want to define your relationship as a mature one, cultivate it through an enduring commitment that will never wither.