January Ocampo

EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENT OF CHILDREN Do you want to raise Math whiz kids or Spelling Bee champions? How about future Nobel Peace Awardees? Music prodigies perhaps? Don’t worry; this isn’t going to be a follow-up piece to that controversial article “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior” by Amy Chua. Or maybe the thought of having overachieving children scares you. Maybe you just want your children to be successful in life someday, whether it may be in their careers or in their marriages or maybe even both. HEART START FIRST Do you know that you can actually do something right now that can give them a head start in life? Actually, heart start would be a better term. You see, studies show that healthy emotional development of children, especially in their infancy, toddler, and preschool years, can have an amazing impact on their futures. The paper at the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University titled “Children’s Emotional Development Is Built into the Architecture of Their Brains” states that high-level thinking skills such as planning, judgment, and decision-making are impaired when emotions are not managed well. You don’t need to be a psychologist to know this for a fact. Even you have experienced how clearer your thoughts are and how easier decisions can be made when you are calm and happy. But try making a decision when you’re in a fit of rage and you’re sure to regret it. And this holds much truer for developing children. The implication of all this is that healthy emotional development of children should be given the attention it needs. Most parents and educators give so much emphasis on the other developmental skills – particularly the cognitive skills – that they neglect the emotional development of children. Tots are being taught to read at the age of two. Kindergarten kids are given the first-grade curriculum to please parents who want advance lessons for their children. Little do they know that the emotional development of children is the foundation on which much of the total development depend on. The paper states this best, “Children’s early abilities to deal with their emotions are important not only for the foundation these capacities provide for the future, but also for the children’s current social functioning with their parents, teachers, and peers.” LOVE IS THE ANSWER! So how do support your children’s emotional development? The fact that you’re reading this article already shows how much you care for the emotional development of your children. Developmental psychologist Urie Bronfenbrenner says, “…in order to develop normally, a child requires progressively more complex joint activity with one or more adults who have an irrational emotional relationship with the child. Somebody’s got to be crazy about that kid. That’s number one. First, last, and always.” Do you find yourself just exploding with warm, fuzzy feelings at the sight of your baby’s toothless smile or maybe calling the pediatrician every hour to report on your toddler’s weird poop color? Do you linger behind to see if your preschooler is fitting in and making friends, despite a hundred and one reassurances from the teacher? Do you find yourself constantly bragging about your children’s achievements in school, even if it was just receiving the Most Improved Award in class? Bronfenbrenner may call it an irrational emotional relationship with your children but every parent in the world calls it love. So, congratulations! You’re on the right track. You have that single, most important thing your children need to grow up into healthy, well-adjusted individuals. Still need proof that love is all you need? Another paper at the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University titled “Young Children Develop in an Environment of Relationships” states that “The quality and stability of a child’s human relationships in the early years lay the foundation for a wide range of later developmental outcomes that really matter – self-confidence and sound mental health, motivation to learn, achievement in school and later in life, the ability to control aggressive impulses and resolve conflicts in nonviolent ways, knowing the difference between right and wrong, having the capacity to develop and sustain casual friendships and intimate relationships, and ultimately to be a successful parent oneself.” What the paper’s basically saying is that children need secure and stable relationships for them to grow up smart, confident, friendly, morally upright and emotionally healthy. And everyone knows that the main ingredient in secure and stable relationships is love. It’s love that will keep your sanity when the baby cries for milk at 2:00 in the morning. By meeting your infant’s basic needs at the expense of a deep, peaceful slumber, you’re telling him that people can be trusted. It’s love that lets you see the humor when your toddler decides to wear his Spiderman costume to the grocery. Yet it’s also love that gives you the courage to say no when he demands to wear his swimming trunks one snow-filled morning. By giving him choices yet at the same time setting boundaries to harmful choices, you’re giving him the gift of autonomy. Consistent limitsetting, clear household rules, and predictable routines help children know what to expect. It’s love that lets you say, “Breaking your toys on purpose is wrong.” instead of “You bad kid!” By refraining from saying “Bad boy!” or “Bad girl”, you’re helping him see that it’s his action that made you mad. Of course, there will come a time when your children’s worlds will grow bigger to include school and community. They will meet people who won’t like them and who’ll even probably give them a hard time. First of all, you have to be there when things like these happen. The importance of stable and secure relationships in helping the emotional development of children can never be stressed enough. Even just one secure attachment to a loving and supportive parent or guardian is enough. But keep in mind that supportive doesn’t mean just saying yes to your children’s every request or always taking their sides when they’re caught in a conflict. Parents can support the emotional development of their children by providing environmental stability and consistency in the home. If children perceive their home environment as a stable and secure place, they will develop the emotional resources needed to deal with the less predictable world outside the home. EQ OVER IQ Once you’ve provided a stable and secure home for your children, you can then start on helping them develop their EQ or emotional intelligence. After all, studies show that EQ is the best predictor of a child's future achievement; better than any other single factor. EQ is a better predictor of success than IQ and technical skills combined. In 1995 Daniel Goleman, the leading expert in this field, reported that "IQ is only a minor predictor of success in life, while emotional and social skills are far better predictors of success and well-being than academic intelligence." So how do you help your child develop emotional intelligence? EQ has five components: self-awareness, self-regulation, internal motivation, empathy, and social skills. For very young kids, it’s a good idea to start on the first two components, though that’s not saying that they can’t be introduced to the others. At the tender age of two, kids can already be taught how to identify feelings. This is best done when they are allowed to express their emotions, especially intense ones. After they have calmed down, you can then name the emotion (selfawareness), acknowledge it, and discuss better ways that they could have expressed it (self-regulation). Stories are also a great way to help kids better understand and identify feelings. It’s easy. Point out a character who’s feeling happy, sad, scared or angry. Ask them to enumerate possible reasons or events in the story that led them to feel that way. And finally, you can ask them if the character’s behavior in expressing the emotion was ok. If not, let them come up with a more socially-acceptable behavior for the character. ON A FINAL NOTE So the next time you push your children to get better grades so they land better jobs someday, why not take a minute to think about what you have just read. Above average IQ or excellent academic performance don’t always guarantee success or happiness. Some honor students grow up to find themselves stuck in dead-end careers or struggling in relationships. But you will never go wrong if you provide a stable, loving home and help in the emotional development of your children and help them develop their emotional intelligence.