Etan Muskat

MONSTER PACK (working title) 9A - "HOT DOG WE HAVE A WIENER!" Written by Etan Muskat Polish Draft 1 EXT. SWELLY BELLY'S FAMILY RESTAURANT - DAY 1 A corny family resto with a sign out front featuring a portly diner holding an enormous burger and giving the thumbs up. 1 2 BERNIE (O.S.) Behold! The WALL of Champions! INT. SWELLY BELLY'S FAMILY RESTAURANT- FRONT AREA 1 * 2 Bernie and Cleo check out The Wall Of Champions, polaroids of people who have finished an enormous 80 ounce burger called Swelly Belly’s Belly Sweller. 2 BERNIE Tyrone LeTruix, Larissa Tink, Art Nudge... these guys are large portion legends! 2 3 CLEO (deadpan) Household names. 3 4 BERNIE (awe) The only people in Swelly Belly's history to finish the World Famous Belly Sweller, a five-pound all-dressed burger deluxe! 4 5 CLEO I'm surprised they don't have defibrillators in the booths. 5 * * Reveal Ollie, gazing longingly at a 70’s-era ‘Belly Sweller’ t-shirt, featuring a pic of the huge sloppy burger, which hangs in a frame beside the photos. 6 OLLIE (reads) "I beat the Belly Sweller." Challenge accepted.(then) Listen up, pals. I Ollie, hereby vow to beat the Belly Sweller, get my name on that wall and earn that beautiful beautiful t-shirt. It's my one true calling. 6 7 CLEO Really? Not being the chosen one? 7 8 BERNIE Sacred guardian of an object of unlimited power? Sworn protector of the universe? 8 * * MP - 9A Hot Dog We Have A Wiener! - Polish 9 OLLIE Nope. Eatin’ burgers. 10 CLEO Aim high, buddy. Aim high. 3 2. INT. SWELLY BELLY'S FAMILY RESTAURANT- BOOTH 9 10 3 Bernie and Cleo are sitting in a booth, perusing the menu. A WAITRESS stands over them, looking unimpressed. 11 BERNIE I'll have a single egg-white and a glass of room temperature tap water. 11 12 WAITRESS One Wet Blanket Special. 12 13 CLEO And I'd like the avocado toast with a goji berry smoothie. With extra anti-oxidants. 13 14 WAITRESS We don't have that, I don't know what it is, and I weep for the future. 14 15 17 OLLIE (O.S.) (flamboyant) And I'll have... 15 17 * Everyone looks over at Ollie, wearing sunglasses and leaning Fonzily against the wall. The place goes quiet. 16 OLLIE(CONT’D) THE BELLY SWELLER! 16 The place comes alive with . 17 18 DINERS The Belly Sweller!/A new contender!/But he’s just a kid! 17 WAITRESS (excited) Right away sir! 18 * She dashes off with surprising pep. Ollie slides into the booth. 19 BERNIE The place is buzzing. 19 MP - 9A Hot Dog We Have A Wiener! - Polish 20 3. OLLIE Oh ya, these people worship this burger like a sacred idol. (Loudly) Hang on tight, patrons, you’re about to get blown away by hurricane Ollie. 20 The burger is plopped down on the table. It’s truly massive. Ollie tucks his napkin into his shirt. 21 DINERS Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! 21 Ollie winks at his pals and lifts the burger to his mouth. 22 OLLIE Glory. Will. Be mine. 22 SMASH CUT TO: 4 INT. SWELLY BELLY'S FAMILY RESTAURANT - NIGHT 4 It's dark out. The restaurant is empty and Ollie droops over the barely eaten burger, moaning. Cleo and Bernie are asleep. 23 WAITRESS Should I wrap that up or-- No, ok, it looks like you’re just gonna barf. Got it. 23 Ollie faceplants into the bun. 5 INT. FAMILY APARTMENT - OLLIE'S BEDROOM 5 Ollie is in his room, bloated and moping. 24 OLLIE I suck! Trying to look all cool, couldn’t even finish a burger. Arrrgh I was so close I could LITERALLY taste it! 24 25 OLLIE'S MOM (O.S.) Ollie, dinner! 25 26 OLLIE Coming, mom! 26 Ollie gets up to go and is weighed down by his swollen belly. 27 OLLIE (CONT'D) Ok, gonna need some help. Maybe... 27 MP - 9A Hot Dog We Have A Wiener! - Polish 4. Ollie shoots a look at the pack. He unzips and pulls something that looks like a deflated pink balloon with googly eyes. 28 OLLIE (CONT'D) Oh, uh hi. I’m Ollie. 28 29 JEFFREY Jeffrey, how do you do? 29 30 OLLIE Gotta be honest with you, J, I ate way too much and if I don't eat dinner mom’s gonna be pretty miffed. 30 31 JEFFREY I should be able to assist you in that regard. My species has an affinity for ingestion and a rather expansive capacity. 31 32 OLLIE I don’t know those words. 32 33 JEFFREY I can eat a lot. 33 34 OLLIE Awesome. So what, I like, sneak you bites under the table? 34 35 JEFFREY That's not exactly how this works. In order to absorb your food I have to be installed in the digestive system. 35 36 37 So... OLLIE JEFFREY That's right. 36 37 Ollie lifts Jeffrey to his mouth. They lock eyes. Ollie takes a deep breath then... He starts cramming Jeffrey in his mouth. It’s uncomfortable. 38 OLLIE (mouth full) Ike this? 38 39 JEFFREY No, open your mouth! Wide! Are you even pushing? 39 * MP - 9A Hot Dog We Have A Wiener! - Polish 40 6 5. OLLIE I ang! I ang! INT. FAMILY APARTMENT - KITCHEN -¬† NIGHT 40 6 * Ollie devours dinner. His mom watches, incredulous. 41 OLLIE'S MOM Wow Ollie, you don't usually like my tuna-loaf. 41 42 OLLIE Must be having a growth spurt. 42 43 OLLIE'S MOM I'll get you seconds. 43 44 JEFFREY (Speaking through Ollie's mouth) Thank you, mother. * 44 Off Ollie, surprised. 7 INT. FAMILY APARTMENT - OLLIE'S BEDROOM 7 Ollie looks in the mirror as he speaks with Jeffrey. 45 OLLIE Wow, you sure can put it away! You know, J-Dawg. I have this little problem with a big fat highrise burger... 45 46 JEFFREY (THROUGH OLLIE) I’m listening... 46 47 OLLIE It’s an eating contest. Winner gets.. (sparkles) a shirt! With your help I could make mince meat out of the mince meat that I must beat. 47 48 JEFFREY (THROUGH OLLIE) You can count on me, Ollie. You deserve to have your dreams... (emotional) come true... 48 49 OLLIE What's wrong, J? 49 * * * * MP - 9A Hot Dog We Have A Wiener! - Polish 6. 50 JEFFREY (THROUGH OLLIE) It’s nothing. (fake excitement) Burgers, yay! 50 51 OLLIE C’mon, buddy. It’s me. The guy you’re inside of. 51 52 JEFFREY (THROUGH OLLIE) Oh Ollie, I'm a lovestruck fool! There's a woman. A monsterwoman. We were set up by a friend. We’ve spoken on the phone for hours, HOURS, but we’ve never met. Her name... is Liora. 52 * * Ollie horks up a photo (from Jeffrey). LIORA is a monster the size of a small adult woman, with wolf-monster features and a snappy dress sense. 53 OLLIE Wow. She’s-- sparkly? So what's the problem? 53 54 JEFFREY She’s Liora Bennington-Zork! Her family is Monster realm royalty! And you've seen me! I'm literally a gut slug. Who could love me? 54 55 OLLIE What? You're super cool, J. I love you! And I'm sure you're very attractive for a... bladder?(then) Is there anything I can do? 55 56 54 JEFFREY (THROUGH OLLIE) Actually, perhaps you can. You're confident, outgoing, charming. 56 54 57 OLLIE (fake humble) Yeah. 57 * * 58 JEFFREY (THROUGH OLLIE) Perhaps you could... go on a date with Liora? 58 * 59 OLLIE Er, I’d really like to help... but I don’t know much about dating, seems so... awkward. Isn’t it like slow dances and... row boats? 59 * * * * * * * * * MP - 9A Hot Dog We Have A Wiener! - Polish 7. 60 JEFFREY (THROUGH OLLIE) Nonsense, Ollie. You'd just be the face of the operation, I'd do all the talking! I can teach you everything: how to act. And dress. And sit, stand and make your face look. 60 61 OLLIE Ok I’ll do it! One quick date and then it's next stop burger pride and t-shirt town. But no hand holding and gazing into each other’s eyes. Deal? 61 62 JEFFREY (THROUGH OLLIE) Ollie, you strike a hard bargain. But a bargain, you have. 62 Ollie instinctively goes for a high five. Jeffrey’s hand comes out of his mouth and high-fives him, dripping with gut goo. 63 8 OLLIE Let’s never do that again. INT. FAMILY APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY 63 8 Ollie is on the phone with the phone chord spiraling into the open pack. Jeffrey speaks through his mouth. 64 JEFFREY (THROUGH OLLIE) You are? You will? Wonderful, see you then. 64 He hangs up. 65 JEFFREY (THROUGH OLLIE) (CONT’D) She said yes! 65 66 OLLIE Woo hoo! Game on, Jeffrey! 66 67 JEFFREY (THROUGH OLLIE) There's so much to do! We need a venue, food, music... 67 68 OLLIE Relax, buddy. You're in good hands. And by hands I mean guts. We'll take care of everything. 68 * * * * * * MP - 9A Hot Dog We Have A Wiener! - Polish 69 8. JEFFREY (THROUGH OLLIE) Thank you Ollie. You’re a perfect friend. (beat) Now we just have to change everything about you. 70 Huh? OLLIE 69 70 71 JEFFREY Liora is a woman of sophisticated taste! I want to put our best foot forward. 71 72 OLLIE So what you're saying is... 72 73 JEFFREY/OLLIE (80s enthusiasm) MAKEOVER! 73 9 * * MONTAGE - OLLIE'S BEDROOM 9 Peppy music plays. Ollie comes out of the closet wearing various outfits. -A cool tough biker outfit -A speedo -A huge hat covering his upper body with a face drawn on his belly Cleo, Bernie and Captain Wowski watch like the judges from a talent show, all side-eye and note taking. They shake their heads at each outfit. Finally Ollie emerges wearing a SLIGHTLY NICE SHIRT. The judges nod in approval. 10 INT. FAMILY APARTMENT - OLLIE'S GARAGE - DAY * 10 The garage has been done up for romance. Ollie, Bernie and Cleo have hung fairy lights and set out a card table with a table cloth. CW plays classical guitar to set the mood. Jeffrey is anxious and micromanages the event. 74 JEFFREY (THROUGH OLLIE) (To Bernie) Candles a bit to the left. (To CW) Maybe something a little more upbeat? 74 75 OLLIE Relax, J. This is gonna be great. Ready? 75 * MP - 9A Hot Dog We Have A Wiener! - Polish 76 9. JEFFREY (THROUGH OLLIE) I think so. Ok. 76 Ollie reaches into the pack and pulls out... Liora! 77 78 Jeffrey? LIORA OLLIE Hey, what's happening? I'm-- 77 78 Ollie is interrupted by a from Jeffrey. 79 JEFFREY (THROUGH OLLIE) Pardon me. It's a true pleasure to make your acquaintance in person, Liora. 79 80 LIORA (surprised) Forgive me, I just wasn't expecting a... human. 80 81 JEFFREY (THROUGH OLLIE) Uhh... you can't judge a book by it's cover! Sometimes you'd be surprised by who they are inside. 81 82 Of course. LIORA 82 Liora smiles, charmed. Cleo and Bernie pop up behind her, giving enthusiastic thumbs up and winking like crazy. Ollie stares daggers and shoos them away. 11 INT. FAMILY APARTMENT - OLLIE'S GARAGE - LATER 11 The candles have burned down. The evening is coming to a close. 83 JEFFREY (THROUGH OLLIE) So I said: “There’s just one thing missing...” 83 * * * 84 JEFFREY (THROUGH OLLIE)/LIORA (CONT’D)84 More garlic! * * They both laugh. 85 JEFFREY (THROUGH OLLIE) (CONT’D) This was wonderful, Liora. Could I see you again? * 85 * MP - 9A Hot Dog We Have A Wiener! - Polish 86 10. LIORA I'd like that very much. Goodnight, Jeffrey. 86 She leans in as if to kiss Ollie's cheek, her mouth gapes open and a tongue with a second mouth emerges, which kisses Ollie his cheek. She smiles and hops back into the pack. The kids all celebrate, whooping it up. 87 BERNIE/OLLIE We did it!/She loves us! 87 88 CLEO (TEASING VOICE) Ollie's stomach guy’s got a girlfriend! Ollie's stomach guy’s got a girlfriend! 88 Ollie starts taking off his SLIGHTLY NICE SHIRT. 89 OLLIE Well, looks like my job here is done. Now I can ditch this stuffy shirt and win a cool greasy shirt true to my burger lovin hea---- 89 * * * * Jeffrey HOPS out of Ollie’s stomach. He’s sopping wet. 90 JEFFREY (smitten) Oh no Ollie, we can't stop now. I’m in LOVE. And I need you! 90 91 OLLIE But. I thought--- 91 * * 92 JEFFREY We're just getting started... 92 * Off Ollie's panicked expression. ACT BREAK 12 EXT. FANCY MENSWEAR SHOP - DAY 12 Ollie exits a fancy clothing store dressed in a ludicrous outfit: velvet smoking jacket, ascot, etc.. He’s gone full Mr. Peanut. 93 JEFFREY (THROUGH OLLIE) Now remember, you must project an air of suave confidence at all times. * 93 MP - 9A Hot Dog We Have A Wiener! - Polish 11. 94 OLLIE I don’t get it, J. Can't we just be ourselves? 94 95 JEFFREY (THROUGH OLLIE) Liora isn’t interested in yourself! She needs a fancy, debonair gentleman! Now please do as I say! 95 96 OLLIE Whoa, J-fiddle, take it easy! 96 97 Forgive get the please, facade. JEFFREY (THROUGH OLLIE) me, Ollie. I let my nerves better of me there. Now bury your true self under a IT’S TIME TO DATE! * 97 * * MONTAGE - VARIOUS We see Liora and Ollie/Jeffrey (dressed to the nines) enjoying a series of dates: -In a museum, looking at a painting of a chandelier. Liora nods in appreciation. Ollie is stumped. -Attending an opera, Liora watches through fancy opera glasses. Ollie falls asleep, but when Liora turns to him he wakes up and applauds at the wrong time. He’s shushed hard by an opera fan. * * * * -Sitting in a fancy restaurant, the silver lid is lifted off Ollie’s plate. He stares in horror at snails, then offers Liora a forced grin and licks his lips. -Strolling on a beach at sunset, Liora takes Ollie’s hand and stares deeply into his eyes. He returns a plastic smile but his eyes dart back and forth. He's freaking out hard! 13 INT. FAMILY APARTMENT - OLLIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 13 Ollie lies in bed, staring at the ceiling. 98 JEFFREY (THROUGH OLLIE) ...and she has the most sophisticated palate! Oh Ollie, I feel like I'm slithering on air! Hey- I was thinking tomorrow we could take a little weekend getaway with Liora. Somewhere in the monster realm maybe? 98 * MP - 9A Hot Dog We Have A Wiener! - Polish 12. 99 OLLIE Uh, I dunno, Jeff. It's getting a little... weird. I'm starting to feel like a third wheel, you know? Maybe you should just show Liora the real you. 99 100 JEFFREY (THROUGH OLLIE) No, Ollie! She’d be so disappointed! And I won’t let you ruin this for me. 100 101 OLLIE C’mon, Jeff! I've dressed how you want, acted how you want! I had to eat that disgusting restaurant blob! What planet was that even from?? 101 102 JEFFREY (THROUGH OLLIE) Earth. It was a escargot. 102 103 OLLIE Ya well it s-car-sucked. (then) And now you wanna have a weekend away in the monster realm? 103 * * Ollie jumps out of bed and looks in the mirror. 104 111 OLLIE (CONT'D) I can't go to the monster realm! I shouldn't even be going on dates! (then) I’m sorry, Jeffrey. I have to end this. 104 111 JEFFREY (sad) Fine, Ollie. I guess we can’t live like this forever anyways. (then) Let’s just do your tee-shirt competition and I’ll get out of your guts. 105 Beat. 105 Ollie is sad. He pulls the phone out of the pack. 106 14 JEFFREY (THROUGH OLLIE) (CONT’D) (phone) Hello Liora? Are you free tomorrow? INT. SWELLY BELLY'S FAMILY RESTAURANT - DAY 106 14 Ollie sits at a booth, still in his Jeffrey-mandated outfit. * MP - 9A Hot Dog We Have A Wiener! - Polish 13. When he opens the pack, Liora pops out and sits down. 107 LIORA Jeffrey! How are you, darling? 107 Ollie waits to Jeffrey to talk. 108 OLLIE (to Jeffrey) Say something, dude. 108 109 JEFFREY (THROUGH OLLIE) (sotto) I can’t. I can’t do it. 109 110 OLLIE Fine. (doing Jeffrey voice) Liora, we need to talk. 110 Ollie directs this speech at his own guts. 111 OLLIE (CONT’D) Things aren't really working out between us. I feel like I can't really be myself with you. It's like I'm hiding the real me inside, but I'm too scared to come out. So I've been putting on this act. And if I'd just believe in myself, then everyone could be happy! 111 Liora is crestfallen. 112 LIORA I'm sorry to hear that. I thought we had something special. I mean sure, you're physically repulsive. 112 113 OLLIE Well, I wouldn’t say-- 113 114 LIORA --That smooth fleshy skin and that face. (she shudders) But underneath it all, I thought we might be... soul mates. 114 Ollie's tummy gurgles. 115 LIORA (CONT’D) I'll leave you to your lunch. Goodbye Jeffrey. She leaves. 115 * MP - 9A Hot Dog We Have A Wiener! - Polish 14. 116 OLLIE (to Jeff) Dude! Aren’t you gonna do something? She’s getting away! 116 117 JEFFREY (THROUGH OLLIE) Why don't you go ahead and order so I can win you that shirt. 117 118 OLLIE Are you crazy? She said you were soul mates! You were the one she liked all along! Go after her! 118 119 JEFFREY (THROUGH OLLIE) But what about you? The shirt? 119 120 OLLIE Ah c’mon. What could be more important than my friend having his dreams come true? 120 Ollie starts to convulse, and Jeffrey bursts out of his mouth and splats against the opposite seat. The diner at the next table watches in horror. 121 OLLIE (CONT’D) (to diner) Don’t order the escargot. 121 The diner nods, eyes wide. * * * * 122 JEFFREY Ollie, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had. Thank you. 122 123 OLLIE I’ll miss you, J. My guts won’t be the same with out you. 123 They share a squishy hug and Jeffrey slimes out the door like a slug. Ollie watches through the window as he catches up to Liora. They talk, embrace, and walk away hand in flagella. Bernie and Cleo, who were sitting at the next table, join Ollie just as the waitress comes over. 124 BERNIE You think they’ll make it? 124 125 CLEO You want to plan their wedding, don’t you. 125 * * * * * * * MP - 9A Hot Dog We Have A Wiener! - Polish 15. 126 BERNIE It would be nice, ya. 126 127 WAITRESS So, what'll it be? 127 128 OLLIE You know, a wise person once said, you just need to believe in yourself. And that wise person... was me. Just now, to a friend. When I first came here, I was trying to act so cocky and cool, but really I was just scared. I was so concerned with impressing everyone I forgot about the humble act of enjoying a hamburger. So now I’m gonna do it right. (sotto) One Belly Sweller, please. 128 WAITRESS One Belly Sweller AND one trophy for ‘most-improved attitude’. 129 129 * * * * She walks away. 130 BERNIE Are you sure about this Ollie? 130 131 CLEO Yeah, do you really wanna embarrass yourself in front of Bernie and me? We do not let things go. 131 132 BERNIE No we do not. Remember when your bathing suit came off on the waterslide? 132 133 CLEO We still tell everyone about that. 133 134 OLLIE Guys, if I learned anything from this, it's that you have to believe in yourself. 134 Ollie rips off his bow-tie and messes up his hair. He looks like his old self again as the Belly Sweller is placed on the table in front of him. 135 OLLIE (CONT’D) Wish me luck. 135 * MP - 9A Hot Dog We Have A Wiener! - Polish 16. He eats. And eats. And eats. He’s down to the last bite... he does it! The waitress returns and hands him the coveted tshirt. Ollie looks at it. 136 WAITRESS Congratulations. What a feat. 136 137 OLLIE Oh I didn’t do this for glory. I did it for love. A love, of burger tee-shirts. 137 * * * * * * * The waitress pulls out a camera. Suddenly Ollie's tummy starts to gurgle, rumble... 138 OLLIE (CONT’D) Oof I don’t feel so good. 138 139 WAITRESS Say Swelly Belly! 3, 2, 1... 139 140 Swelly B-- OLLIE 140 Slow motion as Ollie’s grin changes to a look of horror... 15 EXT RESIDENTIAL STREET - EVENING 15 Ollie and his friends walk home together. 141 BERNIE Well, Ollie. You finished it! Even if it only stayed down for a minute. 141 142 CLEO I think that was the most memorable event in Swelly Belly's history. You'll be on their Wall of Fame for a long time. After they clean it, of course. 142 143 BERNIE Yeah, that was disgusting. 143 The three friends walk off into the sunset. 144 OLLIE (so proud) It sure was. The End. 144 *