Daniel Friedman

Deep Fried Man’s fake horoscopes originally published in Khuluma, inflight magazine for South African airline Kulula. CANCER You do okay for someone born under a sign named after one of the world's most hated diseases. But that doesn't mean that your life doesn't have it's fair share of confusion, mostly due to the fact that you are governed by the moon. Unfortunately, the moon is not known for a very hands-on style of governance, and tends to just stay in the sky shining a lot, and not even during normal business hours. Trying to get the moon to act on its election promises is difficult, and it's service delivery makes even the ANC look good. But, like the ANC, there is no strong opposition to the moon, and so you're stuck with it. Good luck. ARIES A NOTE TO ALL ARIENS: We regret to inform you that due to unexpected congestion in the milky way we are unable to bring you your horoscope for this month. We apologise for the inconvenience, please be assured that we are giving the matter our full attention. We urge you to try and respond to this situation with patience and acceptance, although judging by your reputation for being the most impatient in the whole Zodiac, we doubt you will. Our customer support department can be contacted for all urgent astrological queries. In the meanwhile, please feel free to read the Leo horoscope instead. The advice is fairly general, and can be applied to anyone's life, really. AQUARIUS When the moon is in the seventh house, an Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planet and love will steer the stars. This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, the Age of Aquarius. Aquarius. This month, your sanguine nature will help you accept the fact that, instead of an actual horoscope, you have instead been provided with lyrics from the popular 1960s musical Hair. It may be a good idea to turn on, drop out, let your freak flag fly, take off your clothes and run through the forest while chanting praises to the moon goddess. But especially, let the sun shine. Let the sun shine. The sun, shine in. CAPRICORN Capricorn, Capricorn, Capricorn. You are a sceptical and cynical lot, and so probably don't believe in Astrology anyway. Which is just as well, since this horoscope is the work of an unstable and only marginally well-known musical comedian who has been brought in at the last minute because Mark Lottering cancelled. All that is certain is that, at some stage during the course of this month, you will find yourself on a domestic flight for a well-known budget airline with a penchant for wacky humour and entirely fictional horoscopes. When this time comes, it's probably a good idea to keep your seat belt fastened and make sure your tray table is in an upright position. LEO Shame. You have unresolved anger issues that stem from the overly active role your father played in your first stages of toilet training. Some would say that you're a complete mess, but while we may be thinking this we won't actually say it, as your bruised and damaged ego has enough to deal with already. The important thing to realise is that you can't go through your entire life suppressing your emotions. If you need to cry, then cry. That's right. It's ok, let it all out. The serious looking businessman sitting next to you will understand. SCORPIO You know, I've just about had it up to here with you and your constant passive aggressive behaviour. You can't just keep treating your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/cat/hairdresser (select applicable option) like that. Remember, Weird Al Yancovic is a Scorpio. If Weird Al can bite the bullet and learn to buck up and play by society's rules, so can you. It's about constantly asking, what would Weird Al Yancovic do? And then it's about doing it. Even if it means performing the occasional polka medley. And call your mother! She's worried sick. VIRGO Let's face it, we don't have the time, inclination or budget to describe every minute detail about what will happen to you this month. What we can tell you is that, on around the 10th. you will experience mild indigestion an hour or two after lunch. Do not try and avoid this by changing your diet. You cannot mess with destiny. |It's like going into the past. If you change anything you could alter the future forever, and your own mother will want to get freaky with you. Have you not seen the Back to the Future trilogy? SAGITTARIUS This month, you may find that you are an ape-descendant, carbon-based life form. You will probably find that , in comparison with other earth-based life forms, you have a highly developed brain capable of abstract reasoning, language, introspection and problem solving. In all likelihood, you will also find that you are capable of fully bipedal locomotion, and can manipulate objects using your hands, which are equipped with opposable thumbs. I think you will find the above predictions scarily accurate. That, homey, is the overwhelming power of Astrology. PISCES You are the fish. Be the fish. if you think this has anything to do with becoming a gill-bearing aquatic vertebrate animal without limbs with digits then you are taking this all a bit too literally. Which probably means you're on the right track, because if there's one thing that fish are not well known for it's figurative thinking. It's important not to just go leaping into the nearest ocean and expect to go swimming off into the sunset. Rather start small, by spending a little bit longer in the bath. People may not support the changes you are making initially, but they will soon come to the table when you're eventually served in a nice white wine sauce. GEMINI This month, you are advised to avoid sushi from Chinese restaurants, war-torn Libya and Hillbrow after dark. It's also probably a good idea not to run with scissors, cycle without a helmet or drink tap-water in Gauteng. In the extremely unlikely event that you find someone who's willing to have sex with you, for (your unborn child) Pete's sake use a condom. Look left and right before crossing a street and don't forget to floss regularly. And remember that you're allowed to wear sunscreen. Or something. TAURUS It isn't very often you get a rhyming Horoscope. They are as rare as panda bears and people who vote for COPE. But listen up, buddy old pal, as I present to you. Your horoscope in rhyming verse, accurate and true. Unfortunately though, not too many things rhyme with Taurus. Also, I'm writing this without use of a Thesaurus. Just don't buy any property, unless you're playing Monopoly. Not the greatest of advice, I admit, but at least it rhymes properly. LIBRA Currently, your sun is orbiting in Uranus. Actually, I made that up. But you believed it, didn't you? That's because Librans are notoriously gullible. The only way to learn to wise up is for you to convert to Bhuddism and study for decades at a Tibetan monastery at the foot of the Himalayas. Well, not really. Got you again! Just relax, take things one day at a time and run naked through the streets of Bloemfontein singing Bizet's Carmen as loudly as you can. The last one was a test. If you realised that, you're obviously learning, and we're very proud of you.