Cullen Gordge

How to be the next American President – a simple guide for simple folk While the shock and horror of the results of the recent elections in the U.S. of A ruminate in the minds of people across the globe, I thought it prudent to provide a guide to all those recently inspired to run for president of the free world, because, well, why wouldn’t you give it a shot? I'm not sure how many people actually believed that Trump would triumph against the evil of a possible Clinton establishment, and I'm sure it doesn’t really matter now (I say "evil" because I assume from this point onwards the only pieces of writing permissible on such a topic would have to be pro-Trump and anti-everything that Trump doesn't like). Besides all that, and before we get into the real crux of this article, you may be wondering "what does this guy even know about American politics?" The answer is simple. Nothing. But, lucky me, because if you've been paying even a modicum of attention to the election race over the past few months (or years) you, like myself, will have noticed that the battle between Trump and Clinton has been as much about political, social and environmental issues as the last One Direction hit was about… well… political, social and environmental issues. You see, the recently concluded 'race to the Whitehouse' has essentially been an angry online argument between two idiots trying to prove their points by yelling increasingly louder at each other. Although, if I'm sticking with the online argument analogy I guess it would be more on the lines of replying by using a lot of upper-case letters and exclamation marks. Still, the point is that other than throwing around character insults and remarks about past discrepancies (such as grabbing the naughty parts of people of the opposite gender #ThatWasYouMrPresidentElect) there hasn’t been much emphasis on the issues that matter. Of course, such issues were mentioned, as they always are, but the policies weren’t the focus of this election. Rather, the focus was on hairstyles and spray tan (#StillYouMrPresidentElect). So, based on the minutes upon minutes of diligent research and political analysis that has formed the basis of this article, I present the following simple guide for simple folk on how to become the next president of the United States of America. PIECE OF ADVICE NUMBER 1 - BE OLD, AND AMERICAN… BE AN OLD AMERICAN The first requirement of being old isn't really a requirement. It's just something that both candidates were/are. Trump turned 70 on 14 June 2016, with Clinton turning 69 on 26 October of the same year. Now, there isn't anything wrong with being a little 'over the hill' as with age comes experience. The experience of both individuals is extensive. Clinton being primarily experienced in politics and foreign relations and Trump being experienced in, well, other stuff. Although, I suppose that's unfair. In fact, running a country could be like running a business, but I can't be sure because I haven’t done either of them. The actual requirements to hold the position of president of the United States is pretty simple. Article II, Section 1 of the U.S. Constitution sets it out exactly. In fact, there are only three eligibility requirements for a person to be considered as the president ‑ 1 The candidate must be a "natural-born" U.S. citizen (or if born abroad, one parent must be a U.S. citizen at the time); 2 You can't be younger than 35 (See I told you the old thing wasn't a thing); and 3 In addition to being a natural-born citizen of the U.S., you must have lived in the United States for at least 14 years. Interestingly enough, the youngest ever president-elect to date was JFK (43), with the oldest, until now, being Ronald Reagan (69). Now you may have your own personal views on whether or not an older or younger person would be better suited for the presidency, but just keep in mind that the general trend isn’t in your favour if you weren’t celebrating your 18th birthday in the same year as when Y2K was a big thing. If you're not sure what Y2K was, well, then, maybe reassess your goals. PIECE OF ADVICE NUMBER 2 – SAY WHAT YOU WANT, WHEN YOU WANT Now the first piece of advice may have actually been slightly helpful in your long road to the presidency. However, this is where my advice takes a turn and who better to learn from than the President-Elect himself. Mr Trump has basically been on a journey of self-expression his entire life. Granted, he's confident. But I feel that he may also need to be muzzled at times. From his comments about Mexicans and the building of a giant wall in the south (although he did promise it would be cost-effective, so we must give him some credit), to his comments on African-Americans and the legitimacy of Obama's birth certificate, it seems that Trump is an emotive non-thinker. But having said that, he did actually win. The only conclusion from this is that in American elections you can say whatever you want. Facts are a thing of the past, and are far too burdensome. PIECE OF ADVICE NUMBER 3 – MISOGYNY FOR THE WIN One of the biggest critiques of Trump was, and is, the fact that he's a misogynist, a chauvinistic pig, if you will. This is a fact. There is no disputing this. But, based on what the majority of Americans think, with seemingly a large portion of those voters being woman themselves, misogyny (along with fact – as discussed above) is not an important factor in deciding who should be running your country. I've included a few quotes from the man of the hour, make of them what you will – 1 "You know, it doesn't really matter what [they] (being the media) write as long as you've got a young and beautiful piece of ass." 4 "I have days where, if I come home — and I don't want to sound too much like a chauvinist, but when I come home and dinner's not ready, I go through the roof." 5 Here Trump put woman into categories in reference to prenups – enlightening – "There are basically three types of women and reactions. One is the good woman who very much loves her future husband, solely for himself, but refuses to sign the agreement on principle. I fully understand this, but the man should take a pass anyway and find someone else. The other is the calculating woman who refuses to sign the prenuptial agreement because she is expecting to take advantage of the poor, unsuspecting sucker she’s got in her grasp. There is also the woman who will openly and quickly sign a prenuptial agreement in order to make a quick hit and take the money given to her." 6 The infamous "grabbing by the……" you know what I'm talking about. No need to say it. These are by no means everything that has been said by Mr Trump on the topic of women. Rather, just a few quotes to seemingly prove the point. Google it. You'll find plenty more. As a bonus piece of advice – where there is no opportunity for misogyny, don't be scared to throw in a racist comment. If it works for the now president of the U.S., it can work for you. PIECE OF ADVICE NUMBER 4 AND 5 – INSULT YOUR OPPONENT, LEAVE THE ISSUES TO THE PLEBS AND NEVER ACTUALLY ANSWER OR RESPOND TO ANYTHING… EVER As mentioned in the introduction to this article, I'm of the view that political debates have taken a turn towards childish nit-picking on the personal qualities and/or mistakes of one's opponent. I do believe that the character of the candidate is important, but there seems to be far too much focus on opponent bashing than policy promoting. However, my views are irrelevant as by taking such an approach, in conjunction with all the other pieces of advice furnished so far, electoral success is just around the corner. In order to properly follow this advice I've devised a few standard responses to questions and/or accusations you may face during your election campaign – 1 When asked how you would approach certain policy issues (pick a topic, any topic, it doesn’t matter) respond by pushing the focus onto your opponent. Instead of proposing anything helpful, indicate how your opponent couldn’t do any better and would in fact do worse. Repeat phrases like "I promise you" and "mark my words". If you have any dirt on your opponent, or are aware of any current federal investigations, be sure to mention these at any time. Note, these comments need not relate to any point currently being discussed and can be raised at random. 7 When asked about something in the country that needs to be fixed and/or changed for the better, instead of providing constructive options continue with the emotive language base you established from the first point above (remember to always bash your opponent and emphasise how they couldn't do a good/better job). Following this, make the following statements (edit where necessary but keep the general theme), "I'll make it a million times better. Once I'm done, things will be better. All the problems will be gone. Trust me. You'll see." Note that it's critical to have a supportive crowd behind you. You need the cheers of the crowd to drown out the confused response of the reporter/presenter following your vague comments that provided no real answer. 8 As a bonus point, try incorporate an ignorant statement into your responses, and also make snide comments into the microphone during your opponent's speeches. In conclusion, and as you reflect on the helpful advice set out above, I advise that you keep in mind that your journey to presidency will be a long and arduous one. There will be times when terrible events or actions from your past will be published in every magazine, newspaper and blog around the world. But always remember, if you maintain your position of being better than everyone around you, and continue to apply the five pieces of advice set out in this article, you'll do just fine and you'll be the ruler of the free world in no time. Oh, and be a billionaire. I forgot about that. You definitely have to be a billionaire.