Caron Goode

    Copyright © 2009 by Dr. Caron Goode & Dr. Minette Riordan. All rights reserved under the Pan-American and International Copyright Conventions. This book may not be reproduced, in whole or in part, in any form or by any means electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system now known or hereafter invented, without written permission from the publisher, Inspired Living International, Fort Worth, TX for the Academy for Coaching Parents International. Please do not give away, publish on a website or in a newsletter or sell without permission of the authors. Thank you for respecting the hard work that went into creating this document for your education and enjoyment. www.acpi.biz www.AcademyforCoachingParents.com       Disclaimer The techniques and advice described in this book represent the opinions of the authors based on their training and experiences. The authors expressly disclaim any responsibility for any liability, loss or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a result of using any of the strategies suggested herein. Table of Contents                           Section One: Interactive Styles and Emotional Connections Four Basic Interactive Styles Interactive Styles & Behavior and Choices Four In Any One Classroom Section Two: Capitalizing on Your Preschoolers’ Interactive Style Nurturing the Concept of Self Choosing a Preschool Coaching Kids Towards Good Behavior Coaching Kids to Share Coaching Kids to Welcome and Embrace a New Sibling 2 3 6 7 - Section Three: Capitalizing on Your Elementary Schooler’s Interactive Style Coaching Kids Through Homework Hassles Coaching Kids To Complete Chores Coaching Kids on Friendship Building Coaching Kids to Deal with Bullies - Section Four: Capitalizing on Your Pre-Teens’ Interactive Style Nurturing the Establishment of Internal Controls Coaching Kids Through Peer Pressure Coaching Kids to Be Confdent in their Style Coaching Kids to Be Honest - Section Five: Capitalizing on Your Teenagers’ Interactive Style Coaching Teens on Trust Building Coaching Teens on the Rules of the Road Coaching Teens on Choosing Friends Coaching Teens on Work/Life Balance - Conclusion 1 Section One     Interactive Styles and Emotional Connections     “Coaching is relationship building that helps you gain insight into how you can help an   individual if there are some holes, like lack of confdence or understanding. A leader has to have insight about their team members. You can’t help or communicate appropriately if you don’t have any real understanding of what a person is like, what motivates him, what’s holding him back, what’s prevented him from being all he can be.” -Dick Vermeil, NFL Head Coach       Have you ever felt that you and your child speak different languages when it comes to tackling tasks? Do you feel your children don’t hear you? When they cry or misbehave, do you understand what dynamic simmers below the surface behavior? Do you chalk up your incompatibilities or miscommunications to an underlying personality conficts? If so, you’re onto something… powerful interactions that spark connection. If you are not connecting, your interactive style is not reaching your student, child or team   member.   Anyone who has spent time around children notices that each child has a unique and different way of interacting with people, places and tasks. Whether we are teachers, little league coaches or parents, if we are not connecting emotionally with children, we are not being heard, felt or respected. Point is…neither are the children. Knowing and responding to a child’s core style will repair the disconnections and provide an environment for success. Even as adults, we notice that different people in our lives have diverse approaches to   handing stress, tackling tasks and navigating through life’s sticky situations.     We’re all born with a natural predisposition to interact with people and do tasks in a certain way, and it’s this unique constellation of how we do what we do that is our own interactive style.   For example, Sandy is a super organized mom who breaks for the Container Store, and her son Josh is a laid-back daydreamer who easily is consumed by his thoughts, which often take him off task. While Sandy waits at the door, briefcase and coffee in hands, Josh is wandering about the living room, looking for a Game Boy he just can’t fnd and he still hasn’t eaten his breakfast! Sandy can’t stand to be late and grows increasingly frustrated each morning that Josh isn’t moving fast enough. Sure enough, she starts screaming, “Why can’t you get it together? Why do you always do this?”   2     At times, Sandy feels that Josh intentionally tries to make them both late for their morning destinations. The real truth is that Sandy and Josh have different ways of interacting 3 with their world. Sandy doesn’t know how to connect with Josh to motivate his movement or focus. This clash of interactive styles is often at the root of miscommunications, unpleasant interactions and the misunderstandings of expectations, like the one Josh and Sandy experienced. The good news is, that once parents understand their child’s interactive style, communication and relations always become enjoyable, more productive and more effective. Once Sandy identifed that Josh’s interactive style wasn’t compelled by a ticking clock, she looked for something that would inspire him to help mom and get them both get out of the house on time. Sandy found success in setting up a solid morning routine through which Josh helped his mom with morning breakfast and organization. Josh felt connected to Sandy when she appreciated him for helping her, and he did so gladly. In addition to being part of the force that drives us to do what we do, the way we do it, our core interactive style is the foundation from which we • Build our values,   • Shape our preferences and   • Formulate our reactions to the world around us.         Core interactive styles are why some people thrive when working on deadline, and others can barely function by the clock. It’s why some kids learn by reading and others learn by doing. Four Basic Interactive Styles     There are four separate and distinct categories of interactive styles. These categories include the achiever, the thinker, the harmonizer, and the infuencer. While there are bits and pieces of each personal style in all of us (and all of our children), individuals typically exhibit one to two dominant styles that direct how they interact with their world.       Achiever Children who fall under the achiever category have a great need for independence and for self-expression. These children can be bold, willful, productive, competitive, unemotional, and self-reliant. They rarely talk about their problems or emotions, and instead they set goals, and independently take action. Children who are in the achiever category tend to be leaders, and enjoy being recognized for their achievements. These children are independent learners, and prefer real-life, concrete examples to abstract theories or discussions. Achiever children enjoy structure, dislike control, and will question authority if their parents fail to present a united front.   4   Coaching the Achievers Parents of achiever children will fnd success if they engage their children in a no-blame, non-emotional style of communication. Since these children are typically not emotional, parents shouldn’t take it personally if their child doesn’t respond favorably to overloads of affection or emotional banter. Children in this category of interactive style appreciate fairness, logic, honesty, and directness, and coaches will inspire the best tram performance with clear forthright instruction. Teachers, when assigning tasks to your achiever, set the structure, but avoid micromanaging his or her activities. Even better, ask the achiever how he would do that task and when he thinks he can fnish the work. These young leaders have goals and go out to meet them, sometimes with fearlessness to admire. At other times, we might be impatient with their trial and error approach to a task; but it works for them.       The Thinker Children with this interactive style tend to think a lot about life, and can live in the lofty world of the abstract. Who knows what future Einsteins can emerge from this group? Thinkers need ongoing affrmation and understanding. These children are deep intellectuals who like to thoroughly examine issues. However, their feet are not always on the ground, and they might prefer to talk about it than actually do it. They value intimacy, respect, and good relationships. Thinkers will take instruction well, and they tend to admire expertise and knowledge. These children are organized, enjoy working with data, and can be perfectionists. Because their talents often lie in numbers and mathematics, these children may want to spend hours at their computers. On the other hand, Coach, thinkers understand the logic of any game, and can explain it and model it well for their teammates. Thinkers work well on a team, whether an academic, sports or family team.       Coaching The Thinkers For children who are in the thinking category, appreciation and respect go a long way towards developing a good relationship. When assigning tasks to your cognitive-style child, remember he or she isn’t competitive, and won’t be compelled by rewards. Thinkers are team players, and like to see tasks fnished. Instead, lay out the activity and provide your child with the time and freedom necessary to complete it. If the task goes unfnished, do not argue with the child or make generalities. Instead, calmly state the facts. “You didn’t clean your room today,” will be received much better than “You never clean your room.” You’ll also want to focus on offering your thinker child constructive suggestions, rather than criticism. As perfectionists,   4         a thinking child will be highly critical of him or herself, so offering additional criticism isn’t necessary. The Harmonizer Children with the harmonizer interactive style need appreciation and trust. They are highly perceptive children and require honesty in communication and relationships. If parents are out of integrity, these kids will feel it. Harmonizers are the family peacemakers and worry if there are arguments or illnesses amongst people close to them. They tend to feel disharmony deeply and often internalize it. Children who like to be surrounded by harmony are sometimes shy, and they value secure relationships and stable environments. When it comes to transitions, these children do not fare well unless they are well prepared in advance.       Coaching The Harmonizers Children with a harmonizing interactive style respond well to friendly, non-threatening communication. These children listen well and are observant. Parents will fnd that modeling desirable behavior is an effective tool for guiding their harmonizer. As peacemakers, these children willingly join forces with their parents to solve problems. Teachers, harmonizers wish to please you. Whether or not they fully understand the assignment, they do their best to complete a task. When assigning tasks to an interpersonalstyle child, build in graduated stages of diffculty so that your child can easily track his or her success and bask in their accomplishment. If the hardest problem is presented frst, she may feel overwhelmed and won’t complete the rest of the tasks at hand. If you show appreciation to your child who likes to feel peaceful and confdent, your child will feel great about him or herself. Coach, these sensitive children don’t deal well with fast paced games, yelling and general noise or sensory bombardment. They will try their best at whatever you ask them to do; so individual skill building helps a harmonizing child feel successful. Individual sports may offer a child who doesn’t like rocking the boat a comfortable alternative.       The Infuencers Children who are infuencers like to have a positive inspiring effect on others. They are highly creative and artistic. They are often called dreamers and effective communicators. These children learn by doing, and need to feel through things before making decisions. Infuential- style children live in a world of ideas, and are drawn to expressive outlets like writing or organizing games around friends. These children enjoy variety, like being the center of attention, and crave acknowledgement for their creativity. They also value their friendships and easily enjoy life. They can forget time completely if absorbed in creative endeavors.   5   Coaching the Infuencers Children who fall under the affective personal style category will respond to affection, conversation, and personal attention. Allow your child to be creative, and encourage him or her to participate in the arts, group activities, and peer-to-peer counseling. Infuential children are excellent at fund raising, and rise to challenges when they are presented with excitement and fun. Offer children structure, especially around time, and nurture their abilities by utilizing positive and enthusiastic discipline. Being intentional about understanding and using interactive styles for emotional connection helps you coach children for results, success, winning and learning through their best modality. While your child’s core style is only a part of his or her total personality, it is a consistent factor that he or she won’t outgrow. Through interactive styles you connect. You’ll   know how to parent, teach or coach to fnd the motivation that best compels children to success. Coaches, teachers and parents who understand the core interactive styles can tailor their parenting, coaching or teaching styles specifcally to capitalize on their children’s strengths. Only through an emotional connection to you do children manage life and feel motivated to explore, learn and achieve. Now that you understand the four styles and their attributes, let’s meet real children and determine how their interactive styles play out in their lives.   How Interactive Styles Affect Behavior and Choices   We can be exceptional parents, effective teachers and winning coaches if we recognize and support children’s distinctive patterns of interactions. These identifable character traits come to us from the science of temperament and are supported by research conclusions in human development, learning, and neuroscience. Basically we are in the science of profling children, whom some people still believe are blank slates at birth. Nothing is further from the truth! All children do not learn in the same manner and grow in the same way.   Each interactive style has distinct information about                   • How children process information. • How children handle stress. • What they believe about their environment. • How they respond to their environment. • How they work with people. • How they approach tasks. • How they do with time and in structured situations. • How much assistance a coach, teach or parent needs to give. • When to provide guidance. Nature has provided strong foundations in temperaments. Now, we coaches, teachers   6     and parents need to understand the nurturing aspect of supporting children. We understand that all of us are normally a blend of several temperaments, but one dominant style is usually a visible place to start to your observations. In a sense, each of us has a game face, which we wear when in more professional settings which are not familiar. The game face tends to be our secondary interactive style, not the primary. Our primary style is our core temperament that appears when we let down our hair, need inner resilience, and relax with those we love and our friends.                                           Interactive  Styles 1. Achiever 2. Thinker 3. Harmonizer 4. Infuencer Preference for... Lim ited with... Tasks/Things Data/Information People/Social Ideas/Creativity People/Social Tasks/Things Ideas/Creativity Data/Numbers Best Learns... Independently Visually Aurally Experientially     Four In Any One Classroom We can observe each of the four interactive styles in any one classroom, on any little league team or high school football team. First we’ll observe how one child of each interactive style fared through their growing years.       Adam, The Achiever At age four, Adam was the most industrious preschooler his teachers had seen. Adam didn’t play with his toy cars; Adam made the highway and local scenery for the cars. Pieces of paper placed along the foor made a nice highway surrounded by green blocks as pretend trees, red-block bill boards stood along the paper highway’s edge. The teachers enjoyed Adam’s experiential style of learning, yet they had a hard time pulling him out of his creative immersion. They learned to guide his “doing” energy into smaller tasks like putting toys away, organizing and distributing snacks, and even helping another child occasionally. Mostly, Adam’s free playtime was spent in solitary play, or he took a leadership role in tram play. Adam had many interests at nine years of age. He was an active child who thrilled when a project was complete. He had school and neighborhood friends who followed his direction gladly, happy to be involved in his project like building organic fower beds. A twelve-yearold, who presented ways in which a home could be environmentally healthy to Adam’s class,   7 inspired him to accept the challenge to change one thing in his own home. He had the vision, mapped out the plan and went to work. By age fourteen, Adam’s interests turned to the sciences and mechanical endeavors. His mom hoped he didn’t blow up the house, and his dad enjoyed tinkering with the older car he had in the garage. Adam joined him. Every Saturday morning, Adam eventually taught his Dad how to take apart and then put together again the motor of that 68 Mustang. They were best buds amidst the silence of focused machinists. Adam has enjoyed the challenges of the B-string football and baseball teams, but doesn’t make a lot of friends. He treats his friends like teammates where everyone goes home at the end of the day. In this freshman year, he saw the movie, Cliffhanger, starring Sylvester Stallone. His dream of climbing was sparked to life and he would refer to it often as he looked in the distance, seeing it. Adam graduated from college at age twenty-three with a degree in mechanical engineering. He still fxed up old cars, and took his frst job in management at an accounting frm. Adam wasn’t at the frm very long when he noted how ineffcient the workers seemed. He found himself planning strategies to market the frm’s services, and took it upon himself to offer his ideas to his boss. Perhaps most CEOs of small companies would hear out a new employee, but not this one. Adam quit and returned to school to complete an MBA. Combining his passion in cars and a new business degree, this visionary started his own company, designing and modifying cars for the racing circuit. True to his character, Adam was a better leader of men than he was explaining innovation to someone content with the status quo. In addition, he hasn’t forgotten that mountain he will climb. In summary, Adam     • Processes information experientially. • Handles stress by changing direction or by moving ahead, making efforts to control his terrain.         • Manages and modifes his environment. • Enjoys directing and leading people. • Approaches tasks in a methodical model working towards achievable goals. • Loves structures and time is his friend. • Works independently and expects parents, teachers, and coaches to provide direction with minimal support. • Adam responds best to clear goals and a sense of competition or challenge. He likes winning, and then moves on to the next challenge or vision. Tell him he can’t, and he will.   8   Cathy, the Thinker Cathy’s conscientious parents read to her often as a toddler, and their interactions with their daughter paid off. Cathy fell in love with the world of books. Even at age four and in preschool, she preferred to curl up on pillows and read a book or look at pictures. Sometimes, a teacher or friend could engage her in playing with puzzles, but she liked groups of friends around her so they could play school, color, draw and chatter. She loved to talk about ideas and the friends of her imagination. At age nine, Cathy and her two close girlfriends gabbed on the phone after school. Her mom, Lisa, a single parent, expected to hear girly gossip, but was disappointed. After the friends did their homework together, they discussed their opinions of the Harry Potter book they were reading. Cathy ignored Lisa every time her Mom told her to get off the phone. After all, what she was doing was important; it was for school. Cathy was a good student and loved learning. She completed her homework with a thorough eye. She and her mom loved to watch movies and also shop together. They had a great relationship except for Lisa’s irksome habit of asking for her daughter’s help: “Do you think you might…” “Later on after lunch, I could use some help on…” “Let’s just leave the dishes tonight…. maybe you could wash them later.” Cathy found it diffcult to respond to such vagueness. The result was she didn’t help her mom much, and eventually her mom got things done by herself. In high school, Cathy excelled more in debate club and the writing club where her teachers recognized her talents and encouraged them. Cathy was too busy to cultivate many friendships, but she was very loyal to the three she had. They all shared the same interests and covered each other’s backs. They proved themselves a competent team when they produced a literary journal that won local awards. And then college loomed around the corner, and Cathy was reticent to go to a new town and college without at least one loyal friend. Lisa was so proud when Cathy received a full scholarship in journalism to the state university. Cathy recently graduated and completed an internship at a large newspaper in the state’s capital city. She loved the writing. She loved the storytelling, but she hated chasing down the leads, interviewing vague spectators or reporting on the local fower show. She learned two keys about herself: she loved writing, but she had to earn a living. Her mom was requiring more care-taking with the occurrence of cancer, so Cathy reviewed her life choices about working with a team or just following her passion. Passion won. She returned to school to achieve a Ph.D. in literature, enjoyed a university teaching position and her quiet writing time at home. After all, her novel would be the next best seller! In summary, Cathy       • Processes information visually. • Handles stress by withdrawing to observe, being logical, perhaps holding it in for a time. 9 • Does not respond to emotionalism.   • Is shy of the environment, and prefers proven methodical approaches to any changes or transitions to be made. • Enjoys respect from colleagues, is friendly, and expect the same diplomacy she tenders.   • Approaches tasks in a factual and detailed manner.   • Loves structures and time is her friend.   • Works independently and is a team player.   • Prefers that teachers, coaches and parents give detailed facts, listen to what she says, don’t interrupt her thoughts. • Will work very hard for those who appreciate her talent and treat her with respect. Disrespect earns a loss of friendship.       Isabella, The Infuencer If any child was destined to be a prima ballerina, Isabella or Izzy, was the one. Preening, cascading, jumping, twirling, this active four-year-old was on the move. She demanded attention and thrived on the smiles and nods of those who acknowledged her. When she was settled, she appeared the dreamer, listening to far-away music. Izzy had her internal rhythm and this creative child paid attention to that rhythm, not the fow of others around her. Being the parents of a tween-ager was a surprising experience for Izzy’s parents. By age nine, Izzy had convinced her dad to build her a stage on their back deck, and she organized a neighborhood production of the famous Broadway play CATS. Enjoyed by the neighborhood parents in a relaxing July afternoon, Isabella, her stage name, basked in the admiration of those around her. Izzy’s mom hoped her daughter didn’t develop a swelled head, and her father thought his daughter had done well. Frankly, he was pleased to see the proven talent after years of singing, ballet, and jazz dance lessons. In the earlier years, Izzy’s dad thought his wife pushed their daughter too hard by placing her in talent competitions and Little Miss pageants. But, Izzy rose to the challenge and enjoyed the competitions. If she wasn’t having a good time, Izzy involved herself in diligent practice and dreams. Throughout high school, the artistic side of Isabella fourished in thespian productions. She took courses in speech and went to elementary school classrooms inspiring children to dream big. Her self- esteem was strong, yet she would shudder if she received unfriendly criticism. Her parents worried about their temperamental daughter who could be as personable as one’s lost soul mate or as cold as ice if others showed no interest. Isabella shirked the idea of attending a four-year college. No, not her! She announced   at age twenty that she was heading to New York City and would fnd her own way. She had two   10 goals. She would attend acting school, and she would become a soap opera star. Her parents shuddered once again at her announcements. Yet she was a determined adult, and they wished her well, knowing they would support her however they could and would not change her mind.           In summary, Isabella • Processes information experientially. • Handles stress by feeling deeply and being temperamental. • Moves through her environment boldly meeting challenges. Can be overly drained if she meets with bombarding stressors. • Enjoys being infuential and inspiring to others.                   • Responds well to affection and one-on-one deep relationships. • Approaches tasks as a challenge. • Loses track of time and structure in artistic efforts. • Enjoys a good time • Works independently and experientially. • Thrives on attention and winning and follows passions or visions. Harry The Harmonizer Four-year-old Harry always looked to his parents’ faces to read their feelings. Anger, perceived displeasure or disapproval sent him into the solitary quiet of his room. Intense feelings and abrupt actions caused him to study people in more depth until he could safely negotiate his terrain. He enjoyed people, and had to feel safe around them. Harry’s mom did not enroll Harry   in preschool because she felt he wasn’t ready to leave the nest. By age nine, his parents considered Harry to be overly sensitive to other people’s feelings. He seemed to identify with other people’s pain and always rooted for the underdog. Harry was the peacemaker in their family, settling arguments between his two younger brothers and fnding creative games to keep them busy. He was thoughtful in that way. Within his own peer group, Harry had good friends whom he texted and emailed when he had time, sometimes to the detriment of his schoolwork. Yet, he was a practical kid who managed to get through school with passable grades unless some topic was really of interest or important to him. In high school, Harry established the same study habits, work harder and getting better grades when he chose. This was all right with his parents, as they valued Harry’s happiness over higher grades. After all, he was a people-person, even helping out an elderly neighbor on Saturday afternoons. He also liked to hang with his two closest friends because they valued his friendship. When one of Harry’s closest friends died in a car accident, his parents and friends thought he would not recover from his depression. Yet this resilient, caring man turned his   1 1 depression into action, fnding ways to help other people. Losing a friend was a turning point in his life. He made a plan to complete a Ph.D. in psychology in order to be licensed as a therapist dealing with people and their grief.           In summary, Harry the Harmonizer • Processes information aurally. • Handles stress by pulling into himself and retreating before reaching out and also adapting. • Moves through his environment cautiously, avoiding emotional displays and seeking peace. • Can be sensitive to over-stimulation.           • Enjoys being with people, seeing them happy and helping where he can. • Responds well to appreciation, loyalty and being valued. • Easily adapts to other interactive styles and situations. • Works intuitively and logically, balanced in that way. • Expects parents, coaches and teachers to be respectful, help him overcome dependence to independence, appreciate his efforts, and he can shine.   12 Section Two     Capitalizing on Your Preschoolers’ Interactive Style     “The level of cooperation parents get from their children is usually equal to the level of connection children feel with their parents.” -Pam Leo       Nurturing the Concept of Self A positive self-concept comes from a child’s growing sense of competence. Children acquire this competence through their everyday experiences and interactions with the signifcant people in their lives. Kids have to feel the connection to a signifcant adults to refect feelings an receive validation that their life and existence is valued by someone. Parents can nurture a positive selfconcept in two ways: 1. By listening and responding to their children’s interests and concerns as they come up.   2. By creating a stimulating environment where they can respectfully interact with their children.       If Your Child Is An Achiever • Resist the urge to do for your child what you know he can do for himself. Allow additional time for your child to dress himself and do other self-care tasks. • Purposefully praise your child when she masters a new task or takes a calculated risk. If your preschooler gets her shoes on without help, for example, be specifc and say, “You did that well. You’ve learned a new skill.” Many parents know that praise for you children is helpful like saying, “Great job getting your shoes on. Good work!” However, your child feel more connected if you say his or her name and be specifc about their accomplishment, “Jerry, you poured the milk. I am happy for you.” See the difference. One message says, you did well. The second message conveys, I value you and your accomplishment. • Provide specifc tasks for your child to do, like putting her books away, and let her do it her way. Provide appropriate storage space, but let her fgure out how they go on the shelves (and how to get them there) herself.       Practical Application for Teachers of Achievers When trying to get an achiever to participate in a group activity, outline the specifc goal for the group and encourage the achiever with purposeful praise as he takes steps towards helping   1 3 the group reach their goal. While achievers enjoy solitary activity and the time to explore, they are able to easily be a group leader and follow a trail of exploration with a group.   14   Practical Application for Coaches of Achievers When coaching an achiever to embrace a new activity, like playing soccer, simply and unemotionally review the rules of the game and remind him how well he did when he frst took part in a similar activity, specifcally stating ways he experienced success. Help an achieving child succeed one skill at a time and encourage the accomplishment since they are selfmotivated to achieve.       If Your Child Is A Thinker • Use lots of words of affrmation to communicate your love and acceptance to your child. “You’re great. I am glad I’m your mom” will go a long way in building your thinker’s selfconcept.       • Use books to teach concepts about growing up, parental love and the intrinsic rewards that come when we tackle new tasks. Books about the PBS television preschool character “Caillou” are great for teaching thinkers these concepts. • When your child makes a mistake, gently guide him back on the right path by offering suggestions, rather than criticism. He’s likely already analyzing the errors of his way. • Thinkers love the abstract world of ideas, and sometimes have to be reminded that they   live in bodies. Hold hands, hugs, take walks. Let play involve as much physical contact and ability to learn about their bodies.       Practical Application for Teachers of Thinkers When a thinker forgets to bring his special something for show and tell, remind him that we all forget sometimes and suggest a way for helping him to remember next time. Perhaps draw a picture to bring home or create a special paper reminder bracelet to wear home the day before it’s his turn. If you provide the step-by-step directions, thinkers will move through the task willingly. Use thinkers as peer tutors or helpers as they enjoy working with other people on the task and achieving common goals.       Practical Application for Coaches of Thinkers Because they like to achieve goals in common with a team, a thinker makes a good team member. When coaching a thinker who is apprehensive about joining the t-ball team, provide her with clear instructions on the mechanics of the game and encourage her to practice on her own as well as with others Share how score is kept and how statistics for players are tracked. Let her know you appreciate the time and effort she is putting into learning the game. Appreciation motivates a thinker to keep trying and perfecting their skills.   1 5   If Your Child Is A Harmonizer • Be an example. Show your child that you have a positive self-concept and a healthy level of self-esteem. He’ll be watching. • Foster your child’s sense of security by setting him up for success. Give lots of notice when there will be changes to his routine or environment. • Help your harmonizer be an “I can do it” child by giving him the easiest tasks frst. His self- confdence will increase if he succeeds with small things before tackling tougher challenges. • Encourage strong social skills as harmonizers love people, and must learn how to get along with them.       Practical Application for Teachers of Harmonizers When transitioning from playtime to circle time, be sure to give a harmonizer several verbal warnings before switching activities. When there is fve minutes left in playtime, use an audio prompt (perhaps a bell or whistle) and oral warning to remind her that playtime is coming to an end. Do the same thing at the two-minute mark and one-minute mark. When time is up, use an audio prompt and provide oral directions on what is happening next.       Practical Application for Coaches of Harmonizers When coaching a harmonizer to share her feelings with a friend who is being unkind, role play and have a conversation, taking turns talking and listening about how each person feels. Let her practice sharing her feelings with you. When you respond appropriately, it will build her confdence and then you can encourage her to share her feelings with her friend.       If Your Child Is An Infuencer • Provide creative outlets for your infuencer to learn about himself and his world. Arts and crafts, painting, singing and other hands on activities. Visit places where your child can engage life. Trips to the park, zoo, and children’s museums and to the beach will help her relate to her world. • Make challenges fun. Your infuencer will be motivated to take risks and try new things when she feels like there is a fun factor. • Get your child involved in group activities. He’ll thrive on being around other kids and will feel value in being part of a group.   16     Practical Application for Teachers of Infuencers When an infuencer is disrupting the class by talking during story time, create a fun way that he can earn rewards for being quiet. A sticker chart may work well for encouraging positive behavior in infuencers. Another effective technique is pulling him aside and talking about why his behavior is disruptive and asking him for ways that would help him keep quiet during story time. He’s likely to come up with some creative ideas.       Practical Application for Coaches of Infuencers When coaching an infuencer to share his feelings, ask him to make up a song or a poem or to draw a picture. Ask open-ended questions like “I really liked that song, I’m wondering about the words you sang... can you tell me more about them?”     Choosing a Preschool Preschools aren’t one size fts all. Each early learning program will have a unique set of educational philosophies, governing principles and interactive styles. It’s important that you choose a preschool program that meshes with your child’s interactive style.       If Your Child Is An Achiever • Look for a preschool program that has unstructured timer in which children can explore, experiment and take time to build, draw, dig or paint. The achiever needs the time to achieve as an experiential learner. • Choose a program that values and fosters independence.   • Opt for a learning environment where children are encouraged to learn by doing.       Practical Application for Teachers of Achievers If an achiever cries when his mom drops him off at preschool, redirect him by showing him puzzles, blocks or other activities that he can work on independently until he is able to refocus and join the group.       Practical Application for Coaches of Achievers When coaching an achiever to embrace a new learning environment, create a list of all the things she can do while she’s at school and encourage her to check them off as she does them. Her list can include listening to the teacher, reading a story, playing with blocks, going outside, etc.   1 7   If Your Child Is A Thinker • Look for a learning environment that is neat and orderly through which your child has a set curriculum. • Choose a program that believes in guiding kids through suggestion, rather than criticism.   • Opt for a program with experienced educators who value and appreciate that children learn in different ways. These educators will often have more patience and go out of their way to help your visual child learn. • Books stimulate thinkers; visuals like charts and colorfully decorated rooms, and pictures that spark their creativity.       Practical Application for Teachers of Thinkers If a thinker seems to be hesitant when you ask her to start a new activity, it’s likely because she’s processing exactly how the experience will work out. Show her step by step how to work through it and encourage her as she gives it a go.       Practical Application for Coaches of Thinkers When encouraging a thinker to complete a task, like getting ready in the morning, present the task in an organized outline by using a pictorial checklist. Start with a picture of the sun rising, and then add photos that will prompt him to get his clothes on, eat breakfast and brush his teeth.       If Your Child Is A Harmonizer • Look for a program that encourages children to work in groups and incorporates activities like circle time and show and tell into their day. • Choose a program that uses structure to keep kids focused and on task.   • Opt for a program that allows kids to work at their own paces and encourages children to tackle small tasks frst so they can build the self-esteem to move onto tougher challenges.       Practical Application for Teachers of Harmonizers When a harmonizer is having trouble completing or understanding an activity, pair him with a         friend and clearly state your expectations of what needs to be done. Practical Application for Coaches of Harmonizers If a harmonizer resists the idea of preschool, consider presenting parents with the option of enrolling her in a program with a friend. Going to a new place with a familiar face will help motivate a harmonizer.   18   If Your Child Is An Infuencer • Look for a program that offers kids lots of artistic variety in their day like acting, painting, tumbling, or dancing.         • Choose a program that makes learning fun and challenges creativity. • Opt for a program that fosters creativity and encourages kids to participate in the arts. Practical Application for Teachers of Infuencers An infuencer enjoys working with a group, and also enjoys being the center of attention. If an infuencer is resistant to actively participating in what the class is doing, try making the activity fun or asking the infuencer to share with the class what they’re supposed to be doing. The momentary attention and excitement may motivate him to get on board. On the other hand, an infuencer needs a stage; so individual accolades for accomplishment can be given to each class member.       Practical Application for Coaches of Infuencers Use fun and excitement to motivate an infuencer. If you’re coaching him to develop a love of books, act out stories or turn them into plays. Ask her to put on a performance of her favorite story with costume and all.         Coaching Kids Towards Good Behavior While all parents have the desire for their children to be well behaved and respectful individuals, your success with guiding your children to that goal will be infuenced by the methods of which you do the guiding.       If Your Child Is An Achiever • Be unemotional with your approach to discipline. Simply state what is acceptable and unacceptable in a frm and calm voice.   • Be clear and consistent with your behavioral expectations and with how you enforce them. • Be sure you, your spouse and all other caregivers are on the same page when it comes to rules, expectations and methods of discipline such as modeling, demonstrating, supporting, counseling.       Practical Applications for Teachers of Achievers Before starting an activity, specifcally state your behavioral expectations to the achiever in   1 9 a frm and calm voice. We’re going to be going outside. When we go outside, remember rocks aren’t for throwing and we must go up the stairs and down the slide.       Practical Applications for Coaches of Achievers When working on a new behavioral skill, like saying, “excuse me” when interrupting a conversation, be clear about what is and what is not acceptable. You’ll need to be consistent with enforcing your standards to be effective, and you’ll need to be sure that all the adults in the achiever’s home and school are on the same page when it comes to handling the behavior.       If Your Child Is A Thinker • Present the problem and partner with him in fnding a solution. For example, if he hits his sister out of anger, ask him to think of other ways he can handle his emotions. • Present suggestions on alternative ways of handling situations and validate your child’s feelings without validating his behavior. “I know your mad, but when we’re mad, we use our words and say ‘I’m mad!’” • Since she values relationships, evoke her empathy by helping her see how her actions affect others. “How do you think Maxie feels when you say mean words?”       Practical Application for Teachers of Thinkers If a thinker engages in inappropriate behavior, like hitting another student, engage her in a conversation about why she hit and what other ways we can handle the feelings that make us want to hit. Clearly state why hitting is unacceptable and act out how you expect her to handle her feelings appropriately.       Practical Application for Coaches of Thinkers When a thinker doesn’t do something as expected, like pick up her clothing off the foor, simply state the fact and offer a suggestion on when she could complete the task. “You didn’t pick up your clothes, perhaps you can do it before you begin playing a game.”       If Your Child Is A Harmonizer • Model desirable behaviors. Role-playing can help parents of harmonizers guide behavior. Act out scenarios and take turns playing different roles. • Partner with your child in brainstorming solutions or alternative approaches to problems and situations. • Always address the behavior rather than the child. Instead of saying “No, you’re bad!” say, “Hitting is not okay. We don’t use our hands for hitting.”   20   Practical Application for Teachers of Harmonizers When a harmonizer is having trouble taking turns with a friend, ask her to help you think of how you can work it out? State it’s important to take turns and be fair and brainstorm on ways you can put sharing into practice.       Practical Application for Coaches of Harmonizers If a harmonizer is having diffculty tackling a task with the suggestions you gave, like remembering to fold his hands or count to ten when trying to refocus from an outburst, ask him if he can think of others independent ways to refocus.       If Your Child Is An Infuencer • Have a conversation about why something was not acceptable and ask your child to come up with other ways he could have handled the situation. “Can you think of something else we can do when we are upset?” • Role-play. Infuencers are creative and full of ideas. Present situations and act out ways you can handle them. Discuss how different methods work. • Use positive and enthusiastic methods of discipline. Challenge your child to do good behavior. He’ll enjoy making a game out of being good!       Practical Application for Teachers of Infuencers When trying to modify an unacceptable behavior pattern, like using inappropriate language, with an infuencer, use a positive reinforcement rewards system. When you notice that he’s making good choices to use acceptable language, give him a sticker or word of praise. If he goes all day without using inappropriate language, give him lots of purposeful praise and a pat on the back.       Practical Application for Coaches of Infuencers If an infuencer is having trouble with her listening skills, role-play a scenario where she’s talking and you’re not listening. Twiddle your thumbs, avoid eye contact and look around the room. Talk to her about how it felt when you didn’t listen. When she experiences being on the other side of the fence, she may be inclined to change her behavior.     Coaching Kids to Share While we all wish that kids were born to share, they weren’t. Sharing is a learned skill and teaching kids to share is an ongoing process. While they may not master the skill until they’re 7 or 8, it’s never too early to encourage sharing and taking turns. Remember that   2 1 • Two-year olds engage in parallel play and in group play like going down a slide.   • Three-year olds evolve from group play to interpersonal play.   • From three to fve, children move through owning their own toys to being willing to share, and eventually to share willingly.       If Your Child Is An Achiever • Explain that to be fair, we take turns. Instead of taking a toy out of his hand to give to   a friend, encourage him to hand it over. If she prefers to play by herself, then allow her individual experience. • Let your child help decide how long her turn is by asking her when her friend can have a turn. She may independently hand it over. • Praise your achiever when you catch her sharing. “Wow, great job taking turns. What a great friend you are.” She’ll enjoy the recognition and it will serve as positive reinforcement.       Practical Application for Teachers of Achievers If you notice an achiever is not succeeding with sharing a toy, calmly and frmly state that everyone needs to have a turn and everyone must share. Then ask when she plans to give the other child their turn.       Practical Application for Coaches of Achievers When helping an achiever plan for a play date, coach them through what to expect. State calmly but frmly, that everyone is going to play with all the toys in the playroom because friends share toys. Then ask “Can I count on your to take turns and share your toys?” If an achiever prefers to delve into his private book, art project, or game, allow the freedom to do so. They are usually self-directed and motivated, and one day they might prefer to work in a group, and the next day, they do not.       If Your Child Is A Thinker   • Use time frames to help your child understand the concept of sharing. Set a clock, use a timer or provide a frame of reference. When the time you’ve set is up, in a calm voice, remind her that it’s now her friends turn. • Sharing toys in a group setting works best for a thinker because he likes being part of a team. Changing toys, like changing musical chairs, offers one way to play with the idea of sharing. • Prompt him to share by offering suggestions. Ask and answer questions like “Do you think     22 Michael would enjoy having a go with that toy? I think he would.” • Take time to explain the issue. “Sara is feeling sad. She’s been waiting to play with the doll. Since you and Sara are friends, it might be nice to let her have a turn playing with the doll too. Friends take turns. What do you think about that? Can you do that?”       Practical Application for Teachers of Thinkers If a thinker is having trouble taking turns at the sand table, use a kitchen timer to help her keep track of when her turn will be up. Turning music on, and then off to denote a time to share or change activities, also works well.       Practical Application for Coaches of Thinkers If you see a thinker having trouble sharing, simple state “I see you’re having trouble giving John his turn. When we play games, we take turns.” Then appeal to his sense of fairness by explaining that for the game to be played properly, everyone must have a chance to play. Ask the group for ideas on sharing. A thinker often creates wonderful options for himself as well as others.       If Your Child Is A Harmonizer • Utilize an egg timer or kitchen timer or music to help your child stay on task. The ticking or music also provides auditory clues that her time with a toy is running out. • Before a play date, prepare your child. Let her know that all the kids will be playing with all the toys. • Role model sharing with your harmonizer. Act out how you share and be sure your child catches you sharing your prized possessions too.       Practical Application for Teachers of Harmonizers Prepare a harmonizer in advance for situations that require taking turns or sharing. “We will be going outside for free play. Remember to take turns and share. All the toys belong to everyone.” Also a harmonizer is highly motivated by appreciation and caring. Often, a simple suggestion to action is easy enough from an adult connected to the harmonizer.       Practical Application for Coaches of Harmonizers If a harmonizer is having trouble sharing or taking turns, point out instances when you see others taking turns. “Wow did you see how Sam gave Sara the truck he was playing with? That is great sharing and Sam’s a good friend” and follow up with encouragement. “I remember when you let me play with your favorite truck. You’re a good friend and good sharer too!”   2 3   If Your Child Is An Infuencer • Make a game out of sharing. “How many times do you think you’ll take turns today?”   • Make taking turns fun, something that is exciting and enjoyable to do.   • Use enthusiastic coaching with lots of praise and encouragement to get your child to share. “You can do it!”       Practical Application for Teachers of Infuencers Making sharing fun for an infuencer, who is struggling. Sing a silly sharing song when you catch your child sharing. “Go Sammy, you shared a toy. Go, good work!” Remember that the creative infuencer loves people, activities and fun!       Practical Application for Coaches of Infuencers Encourage an infuencer with positive, purposeful praise when you see him sharing with others. Consider utilizing a reward chart or singing an infuencer a special sharing song when he’s done well.     Coaching Kids to Welcome and Embrace a New Sibling When you think about it, your child is used to being the center of your world. It’s only natural that bringing a new sibling home might rouse intense emotions and possibly trigger behavioral regression. Coach your child to welcome and embrace a new sibling by planning your approach based on your child’s interactive style.       If Your Child Is An Achiever • Keep the structure of your day and of your achiever’s routine as consistent as possible. Any major changes will be attributed to his new sibling. As the new sibling takes your time, perhaps a new project would challenge your achiever’s creativity. What does you achiever like to do…build? Play with trains? Draw and color? Crack rocks and gems? How can you use this new time to help the young achiever fnd new interests? • Give your child specifc tasks related to the new baby, like bringing you diapers.   • Praise her for being the big sister and point out the things she can do, that her new sibling can’t.       Practical Application for Teachers of Achievers If an achiever in your class is a new big brother or sister, chances are he won’t want to talk about it. If an achiever’s behavior seems to be affected after the birth of a new baby, use real life examples and stories of how people feel and act when a new baby comes home in efforts   24 to open the lines of communication. Engaging the achiever in something to do for the new baby might help. Have her dictate a letter or draw a picture for the new sibling.       Practical Application for Coaches of Achievers Help an achiever understand his new roles as big brother by praising him for all things big         brothers can do. “Wow, did you know big brothers get to…” If Your Child Is A Thinker • Affrm that your child is special and unique on an ongoing basis. Spend time alone with your thinker each day. Read a special book before bed or give him his nightly bath.   • Use pictures and books to help prepare your child for the changes that will come. • Offer suggestions to your thinker about how he can make his new sibling feel welcome in their home. Can he draw a picture? Make up a special song?       Practical Application for Teachers of Thinkers Allow a thinker time to examine the situation and understand his new role. Offer suggestions on ways he can welcome his new sibling and his new role. “Would you like to make a sign for your room that says big brother?” “Would you like to make a list of ways you can help your       dad?” Practical Application for Coaches of Thinkers Reaffrm to the thinker that she is special and unique. Share specifc information about the baby, like how many times he will eat per day, how many diapers he will go through etc., compared to how many times he eats and uses the bathroom to help him gain perspective of why the baby needs so much attention. A thinker enjoys being part of the team, and seeks ways to help with tasks.       If Your Child Is A Harmonizer Take time to prepare your child for the birth of the new sibling. Walk him through what to expect. Practice how your harmonizer will feel when the new baby comes home.         Get your harmonizer involved and let him help solve problems, contribute ideas and offer suggestions on how life with a new baby should be. “What should we do if the baby cries?” Role-play how to interact with a new baby and how your harmonizer can help care for new baby using stuffed animals or dolls. 2 5           Practical Application for Teachers of Harmonizers Provide dolls for your harmonizer to play with and encourage her to show you how she helps out at home. Practical Application for Coaches of Harmonizers Introduce a harmonizer to babies before his new baby comes home. Provide opportunities for him to hear all the noises, including the crying that new babies make.       If Your Child Is An Infuencer • Encourage your child to make paintings and pictures to hang in his new sibling’s room.   • Be sure to give your infuencer lots of personal attention and affection from you and those who come to visit the new baby. • Have your infuencer help you with your new baby fun.       Practical Application for Teachers of Infuencers If an infuencer seems to be regressing after the birth of a new baby, encourage him to draw or create a piece of art depicting his new family, then ask open-ended questions like “Tell me about that baby.” An infuencer loves to use their creativity, so let them show you how they can help out at home. They might make signs for the baby’s room, arrange photos of herself and the baby on bulletin boards in their bedrooms, and draw activity charts for themselves each day.       Practical Application for Coaches of Infuencers Coach an infuencer to embrace baby by helping him to associate the baby with positive experiences. Sing a big brother song; get him a special shirt that says big brother and make helping out a game. “Show me how fast you can get me a diaper!”   26 Section Three:     Capitalizing on Your Elementary Schooler ’s Interactive Style     Coaching Kids Through Homework Hassles         Homework doesn’t have to be a hassle! Coach your child to successfully complete his homework assignments by using techniques that appeal to his interactive style. If Your Child Is An Achiever • Encourage your achiever to read directions and gather supplies before starting his assignments. • Help her narrow down her options when presented with big decisions, like which science project to tackle. • Together, create a workspace that is conducive to academic success (good lighting, no television, etc.) where your achiever is free to go and complete his assignments.       Practical Application for Teachers of Achievers Present an achiever with a selection of different color journals to choose from. Ask him to select one and use it to track his homework assignments. Always ask how they would approach a task, as they are motivated internally, and adults forget to ask an achiever how they can help them, rather than direct or control them.       Practical Application for Coaches for Achievers Achievers like structure and helping to create a solid after school routine will help an achiever succeed with completing assignments. Help set the structure for when and where the achiever is to do homework, but let him select the order in which he’ll do his assignments.       If Your Child Is A Thinker • Help your thinker stay organized by providing organizational tools that can help her stay on track. • Offer suggestions, rather than solutions or criticism when your thinker is stumped on an assignment. • Provide ample time for your thinker to complete her assignments. She may work at a slow   2 7 pace, but it’s steady and usually done to her best. • If trial by error is the preferred learning method for a particular assignment, then go with it. Sometimes, thinkers need such experiences to help them negotiate new terrain.   28   Practical Application for Teachers of Thinkers Help a thinker keep his assignments straight by encouraging the use of an assignment notebook and folders to store take home assignments. Talk through any aspects of a project that puzzle the thinkers. Talking things through help them see and feel their options.       Practical Application for Coaches of Thinkers If a thinker is reading aloud and comes across a word he’s struggling with, like standing, help him sound the word out by suggesting syllable sounds, rather than simply stating the correct word. “That’s a tough word. Let’s break it down into smaller pieces. I think st makes a st sound, what do you think?” will go over much better than “Nice try but the word is standing.”       If Your Child Is A Harmonizer • Create a homework space that is free from distractions and have a set time when homework gets completed.   • Use a homework timer to help her stay focused and on track. • Encourage her to tackle the small and easiest assignments frst, so she’ll build the selfconfdence she needs to tackle the tougher problems.       Practical Application for Teachers of Harmonizers When assigning take-home work to a harmonizer, be sure to state the directions to the assignment, in addition to providing written instructions. Hearing the directions will help a harmonizer have a better understanding of what is expected. Seeing the list will help her visualize all that needs to be done.       Practical Application for Coaches of Harmonizers While it’s important to convey you’re available to help should a harmonizer get stuck on an assignment, company can be a distraction. Consider doing some type of work on your own, like reading a book, to limit potential chatter.       If Your Child Is An Infuencer • Help your infuencer break down big assignments into manageable parts. For big assignments, help her make a task list. • Make doing homework fun. Have your infuencer race against the clock or work towards a fun prize. Provide visual stimuli as needed to support assignments. • Take time to talk about what your infuencer is learning. Let him tell you about the new and exciting things he learned each day. Talking through their thoughts helps them clarify goals.   2 9   Practical Application for Teachers of Infuencers When assigning projects, provide a timeline to an infuencer that breaks the larger project into smaller chucks, steps, or a sequence. Having check-ins for smaller parts will help keep the infuencer on track to completing the project in its entirety.       Practical Application for Coaches of Infuencers If an infuencer insists he’ll do his homework after dinner and ends up falling asleep, let the chips fall where they may. Experiencing the natural consequence is often the best way for an infuencer to learn a lesson.     Coaching Kids to Complete Chores     Chores do so much more than create a neat and orderly environment. Chores help kids feel like what they contribute matters and helps them feel united, accepted and connected to their family unit.       If Your Child Is An Achiever • Outline the specifc tasks that you expect him to do each day. Be clear and direct when assigning them. • Provide the specifc reward or beneft for getting each the chore done.   • If her chores are slacking, prompt her to get going on them by asking her when you can expect them to be done.       Practical Application for Teachers of Achievers When assigning classroom responsibilities, be clear and direct when stating your expectations to the achiever. “This week it’s your job to feed the class fsh. Every morning, give the fsh two shakes of food after you put your things up. Can I count on you to do this?” have the achiever keep track of their responsibilities, and also report in as an accountability measure. Achievers pride themselves on ways to be accountable.       Practical Application for Coaches of Achievers When introducing a new set of chores to an achiever, create a daily checklist. Allow the achiever the fexibility to complete the chores in his time frame, or if you’d like them done at a certain time, suggest they get done within a general time frame, like before breakfast.   30   If Your Child Is A Thinker • Create a chart that your child can refer to for his chore assignments because he is a visual learner. • Provide your child ample time to complete his chores and the freedom to complete them in the order he’d like. • Offer suggestions on how to do a chore differently, if you’re unhappy with the way it’s done. Don’t criticize. Rather talk through options and make a specifc choice.       Practical Application for Teachers of Thinkers When assigning classroom responsibilities to a thinker, create and hang up a visual chart. Use a felt background and pictures or words with Velcro adhesive to illustrate the task. Allow the thinker to remove the piece once the task is completed.       Practical Application for Coaches of Thinkers When coaching a thinker on how to complete a chore, develop a skill, offer suggestions for which methods work best. For example, if coaching a thinker to swing a bat, you may model the pose, and then allow the thinker time to get a feel for the hold in his body. Because thinkers are visual learners, charts as well as modeling demonstrate the task.       If Your Child Is A Harmonizer • Talk about each chore and have an interactive conversation about how each chore could be done.         • Start out by giving your harmonizer simple tasks to build confdence. • Brainstorm with your child about how and when chores could be done. Practical Application for Teachers of Harmonizers When working on classroom tasks with a harmonizer, include her in the conversation. Ask her what type of chore she’d like to try frst and ask her to share how she thinks it would be best completed. Show appreciation for a job well done.       Practical Application for Coaches of Harmonizers When coaching a harmonizer to complete chores, start out with the one simple skill and gradually increase the number and diffculty of skill levels. Once a harmonizer has confdence in his ability to complete small tasks, he’ll have the confdence to complete more challenging ones.   3 1   If Your Child Is An Infuencer • Make doing chores into a game. Rewards charts and races can motivate an infuencer.   • Allow your child the freedom to plan for and complete chores creatively.   • Provide lots of purposeful praise when a chore is well done. “Thanks for taking out the trash. That was a big help.”       Practical Application for Teachers of Infuencers When working on classroom responsibilities with an infuencer, turn tasks into games. Perhaps make it a race to complete the tasks before the morning bell rings.       Practical Application for Coaches of Infuencers Ask an infuencer to create his own way of keeping track or completing his chores. He may design his own chore chart or use socks to dust his room.     Coaching Kids on Friendship Building     While building friendships may come naturally to some kids, to others it won’t. Regardless, it’s a good idea for all parents to encourage their children to pursue and maintain healthy relationships with their peers.       If Your Child Is An Achiever • Enroll your child in sports programs like swimming, gymnastics or martial arts, where they can develop their skills independently and enjoy being competitive, but will still learn to be part of a larger social group. • Encourage social interactions that revolve around something that your achiever is already interested. If he likes books, sign him up for a story hour. • Provide your child with challenging tasks that require a group to complete. Ask your child if she’d like to invite friends over to build a playhouse or plant a garden.       Practical Application for Teachers of Achievers Help an achiever expand her social circle by partnering her up with another student who she shares similar interests to complete an assignment. Working with another student on a specifc task will provide a level of comfort.   32   Practical Application for Coaches of Achievers Hone in on the interests of an achiever and enroll him in a program with peers that have a similar interest. If he likes playing chess, enroll him in a chess club. If she wants to learn to dance, sign her up for dance lessons.         If Your Child Is A Thinker • Suggest that your child have a friend over or pick an activity to take part in. • Look for opportunities for your child to interact with one other child, rather than with many children in a large group. • Enroll your child in an educational enrichment program. He’ll like learning new things and may meet other kids who enjoy the same types of activities.       Practical Application for Teachers of Thinkers If you notice a thinker regularly hanging out alone during recess, suggest ways he can engage his classmates. Perhaps he’d like to be the offcial score keeper for the kickball game. You could also pair him up with a classmate to do a specifc outdoor task, like counting the kids on the playground.       Practical Application for Coaches of Thinkers Provide opportunities for a thinker to observe friendships in action. Point out when you notice someone being a good friend. “Did you see John share his snack? He’s a great friend for caring that his friend was hungry.”       If Your Child Is A Harmonizer • Your harmonizer is naturally enjoys people, so you won’t need to do much to encourage interaction. She may take time to warm up to new people, but once she does she’ll be quite comfortable. • Provide opportunities for your child to be around other children.   • Be a role model and let your child observe you in healthy relationships. Role-play scenarios that come up amongst friends.       Practical Applications for Teachers of Harmonizers When rearranging seating assignments in the classroom, be sure to give plenty of notice to a harmonizer. Once the seats are moved, have a few icebreaker activities to facilitate communication between those who are seated near someone new.   3 3   Practical Application for Coaches of Harmonizers Have a backyard party for the kids in the neighborhood. Facilitate friendships with neighbors by providing opportunities to get the kids together.       If Your Child Is An Infuencer • Provide opportunities for your child to hang out with a group of friends.   • Enroll your infuencer in an arts program like drama or choir.   • Encourage your infuencer to get involved with groups like Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts of 4-H   where they can take action with other kids to make a difference in their communities.       Practical Application for Teachers of Infuencers If an infuencer is having trouble connecting with another student in her class, ask the two to work on a creative joint art project. Make it all right for the infuencer to be the leader if that occurs naturally. The infuencer will be so interested in the opportunity, she’ll be willing and eager to engage the other student to get it done.       Practical Application for Coaches of Infuencers Infuencers naturally value friendships, so provide opportunities for play dates with other children. Center their time together on a fun activity like a treasure hunt and friendships will naturally progress.     Coaching Kids to Deal with Bullies Unfortunately, bullying is more wide spread than most parents think, and it’s no longer limited to physical assaults. Internet bullying, intimidation, name-calling and purposeful exclusion are other types of assaults we need to prepare our kids for. All reports of bullying should be taken seriously and appropriate action should be taken.       If Your Child Is An Achiever • Your achiever is a natural leader and may take independent action should a bully come his or her way. Ask clear and direct questions if you’re wondering if your child is having problems with another child at school. • Provide your achiever with real life examples of how others have been bullied and practical ways a bully can be dealt with. This where a martial arts course and philosophy can be particularly healthy and helpful. • Be unemotional when talking to your achiever about bullies. Simply state your concerns or expectations and ask your achiever how he will respond.   34   Practical Application for Teachers of Achievers If you suspect an achiever is being bullied by another student in gym class, approach him in an unemotional way and directly ask the achiever if he’s having trouble with the student and assure him you can help if he is. “I noticed Jessie seems to be giving you a hard time. Is he?”       Practical Application for Coaches of Achievers Have a non-emotional discussion with an achiever about bully behavior and the effects of bullying. Provide specifc examples of bullying and how to handle bullying behavior. “If someone tells you to give them your lunch money, tell a teacher.”       If Your Child Is A Thinker • Your thinker will take detailed instruction well, so create a plan of action on your family policy for dealing with bullies. • Offer constructive suggestions on what to do if she feels bullied. A thinker needs to talk about it, but may not be willing to act on or intimidate a bully. • Reaffrm to your child that she is special and does not deserve to be bullied, no matter what she thinks she may has done.       Practical Application for Teachers of Thinkers If you suspect a thinker may be being bullied, have a conversation with a thinker and suggest, rather than demand, ways bullying can be addressed. “Maybe you could tell a teacher? Do you think that would work?” rather than “You must tell your teacher immediately!” Write the options down, and let the thinker weigh the pros and cons of each action. How to respond should be a mutually agreed-upon decision.       Practical Application for Coaches of Thinkers Consider purchasing a bullying curriculum or DVD series to go through with a thinker. Roleplay bullying scenarios and point out bullying behaviors when you see them. For a team, such a series of brief lessons, redirecting the attention to being a team member, helps bring your team together.       If Your Child Is A Harmonizer • Your harmonizer wants to keep peace, and she won’t respond well to threatening communication and may likely internalize it should as she be bullied. Keep the lines of communication open and engage your child in regular communication about school. If a bully is unrelenting to a sensitive child, consider other schooling options.   3 5 • Role-play how to deal with a bully. Act out situations and give her appropriate and specifc things she can do should she feel threatened. • Join forces and brainstorm solutions for dealing with a bully. “Wow, that sounds like a bad situation, do you have any ideas on how to handle it? Here are some of mine.”                   Practical Application for Teachers of Harmonizers If you suspect a harmonizer is being bullied when a teacher is not around, pull the harmonizer aside and have a conversation about bullying behavior. Reaffrm that telling a teacher if you’re being bullied is important and that no one will be mad if she tells when someone is bullying her. Practical Application for Coaches of Harmonizers If a harmonizer suggests he is being bullied at the bus stop, brainstorm ways to solve the problem. Suggest telling a teacher, the bus driver, a parent or a coach and brainstorm ways of handling the situation if no adult is around. “When Noah calls you a name, you could laugh and tell him that was a good one. This can take him off guard and give you time to get help.” Always convey that telling an adult is important if a child feels bullied.       If Your Child Is An Infuencer • Ask your infuencer open-ended questions about how he or she would deal with a bully. “What would you do if…” • Encourage your child to come up with creative ways for handling a bully, role-play with them and talk about if they would be effective. • Present bullying as a challenging situation and work towards ways of successfully solving issues your child may have with another child.       Practical Application for Teachers of Infuencers If you have concerns about an infuencer being bullied on the bus, act out bullying scenarios, having students take turns playing the roles of the bully and the bullied in front of the class.       Have students clap when the student being bullied responses appropriately to being bullied. Practical Application for Coaches of Infuencers Work with your infuencer to write and act out a play about bullying. Consider putting on a performance for the child’s parents or videotaping your performance and watching it together.   36 Section Four     Capitalizing on Your Pre-Teens’ Interactive Style     Nurturing the Establishment of Internal Controls One of the hardest parts of parenthood is letting go. But when we nurture the establishment of internal controls in our kids, it makes the letting go process a whole lot easier. When we coach our kids to fne- tune their internal compass, it’s easier to trust that they’ll be self-guided in the right direction when the problems and issues of life come around the bend.       If Your Child Is An Achiever • Talk to your achiever in real life language. Avoid euphemisms, abstractions and metaphors. Instead use clear and direct communication.   • Communicate a concrete goal to your achiever, but let him fgure out how to reach it. • Be honest and direct about the pros and cons of the choices and decisions she’ll have to make.       Practical Application for Teachers of Achievers When hosting a science fair or any major project, outline the project requirements and ask the achiever how he plans to complete the project. Help him create a project journal to independently track his progress.       Practical Application for Coaches of Achievers If an achiever is having a birthday party but doesn’t want to invite a particular child from her class, share the pros and cons that making that decision. “Don’t you think Aimee will be hurt if she is the only one not invited? How do you think other kids will perceive you if you don’t invite her? Doing what feels right in the moment may not always be right.”             If Your Child Is A Thinker • Lay out the issue and ask your thinker to do the research. • Provide information and have solid facts to back up what you’re providing. • Offer suggestions rather than sharp directives on how to handle issues and problems.     3 7     Practical Application for Teachers of Thinkers When tackling a new math concept, present the concept and provide step-by-step instructions for tackling the specifc type of problem. Create a self-quiz that a thinker can use   38 to determine if the new concept applies to that problem. “If you see a negative sign before a number, than you tackle the problem like this.”       Practical Application for Coaches of Thinkers Help a thinker prepare to face tough decisions, like if he should cheat on a test, by   presenting information on why cheating is unacceptable. Outline the consequences for cheating, should he get caught, and suggest ways he can better prepare for the test, like making fashcards, so the temptation to cheat is limited.                 If Your Child Is A Harmonizer • Work towards being open and honest when communicating to your harmonizer. • Give her concrete ways to handle transitions or change. • Model the way of life you wish your harmonizer to live. He’s watching! Practical Application for Teachers of Harmonizers If you observe a harmonizer being mean to another student, talk to the harmonizer and ask him how you can work together to be sure all the kids in the class feel respected and valued. “How can we work together to be kind to Matthew?”                 Practical Application for Coaches of Harmonizers If a harmonizer is struggling with the transitioning once getting home from school, encourage her to journal, breathe deep and engage in other self-calming methods. If Your Child Is An Infuencer • Be positively enthusiastic when your infuencer makes a good choice. • Realize your infuencer is going to learn by doing, which can often mean he learns well from his mistakes.       • Allow your pre-teen to come up with creative ways to solve problems or address issues. Practical Application for Teachers of Infuencers When you notice an infuencer making good behavioral choices during class, praise her for her behavior, a good decision or being a model for others “Great work raising your hand instead of speaking out. I appreciate your following the rules!”         Practical Application for Coaches of Infuencers When an infuencer makes a poor choice, like gossiping about a friend, pull her aside 3 9 and talk about why the choice was inappropriate. Challenge her to watch what she says and ask her to keep track of all the time she was going to gossip, but decided not to. Offer lots of enthusiastic praise.     Coaching Kids Through Peer Pressure     Peer pressure can most certainly work for and against your child. It’s important to coach kids to recognize positive and negative peer pressure and to give your child tools for dealing with the negative.       If Your Child Is An Achiever • Talking to your achiever about problems may be like pulling teeth. Provide real life examples of how you or someone you know were bullied and talk about your experiences. • Have non-emotional conversations that present your concerns in a clear and direct manner. • Ask your achiever how he would handle specifc situations.       Practical Application for Teachers of Achievers If you notice an achiever choosing to do something, like making fun of a classmate, because everyone else is doing it, encourage the achiever to be the leader and role model for the rest of the class. Practice behaviors together to understand the results of how one acts.       Practical Application for Coaches of Achievers Help an achiever develop their own internal standards by listing family values and specifc things and actions that convey those values. Ask the achiever to keep a journal of things he does that display those values.       If Your Child Is A Thinker • Share your specifc concerns and provide logical reasons and proof to validate your concerns. • Provide proven methods of dealing with peer pressure from people your pre-teen looks up to. • Offer suggestions for dealing with issues and concerns, rather than offering harsh directives.   40   Practical Application for Teachers of Thinkers If a thinker is having a hard time communicating to a classmate that she doesn’t want to engage in a specifc behavior, like passing notes, encourage her to share the specifc reasons with the classmate on why engaging in the activity isn’t a good idea.       Practical Application for Coaches of Thinkers If you suspect a thinker is smoking, provide specifc information on how smoking negatively impacts health and wellness. Provide links to website and encourage the thinker to do research of his own. Show a thinker pictures of clean and polluted lungs and pictures of smokers yellow teeth.                 If Your Child Is A Harmonizer • Have open and honest communication about peer pressure with your harmonizer. • Share your concerns, opinions and information in friendly, non-confrontational ways. • Be a role model. Show your pre-teen ways you deal with peer pressure. Practical Application for Teachers of Harmonizers If you suspect a harmonizer of stretching the truth about who completed her homework assignment, in a friendly, non-accusatorial tone, ask her if she had any help. Convey your confdence in her ability to complete assignments solo and tell her she can always come to you if she gets stuck.       Practical Application for Coaches of Harmonizers Role-play ways for a harmonizer to say no to stressful situations. Act out how to say no to a friend who wants her to lie to her parents, or how to say no to cheating on a homework assignment. Help build her confdence in expressing herself by responding positively.       If Your Child Is An Infuencer • Talk about ways you can handle peer pressure. Be open to your infuencer’s creative ideas and ways for handling peer pressure. • Allow your infuencer to experience her successful and unsuccessful ways of handling peer pressure. This is a powerful way she’ll learn. • Provide your infuencer with creative outlets journaling, writing songs or role-playing ways she handles peer pressure.   4 1   Practical Application for Teachers of Infuencers If you notice an infuencer being tempted by other students to engage in inappropriate behavior, like dropping their books off the desk to disrupt the class, encourage the infuencer to be a positive role model to other kids and to exert positive peer pressure.       Practical Application for Coaches of Infuencers Have an infuencer get involved with social groups that are committed to making positive change in their world. A church youth group, boy scouts or other peer groups will provide an outlet for an infuencer to develop resistance to negative peer pressure.     Coaching Kids to Be Confdent in their Interactive Style Each child is special and unique and has their own personal way in which they interact with their world. Embrace your child’s interactive style and encourage your child to be confdent in who they were made to be.       If Your Child Is An Achiever • Support your achiever’s independence. Communicate that your child’s independent and bold style is an asset. • Appreciate your achiever’s interactive style. Don’t force your achiever to be affectionate if that’s not his way of showing love and appreciation. • Communicate to your achiever that you value his desire to do well, but that it’s okay to make mistakes and to mess up.       Practical Application for Teachers of Achievers Work towards accommodating an achievers learning style. Achievers best learn independently, so help an achiever succeed by supplying additional information relating to new concepts or information that she can study on her own.       Practical Application for Coaches of Achievers Coach an achiever to see her interactive style as strength. Encourage her to seek out opportunities where her strengths will shine, like in positions of leadership, perhaps as class president or captain of a sports team.       If Your Child Is A Thinker • Use words of affrmation to let your pre-teen know that her interactive style is acceptable   42   and pleasing to you. • Provide your thinker with information on different interactive styles and equip her with the information she’ll need to work best in her style. • Encourage your thinker not to be so hard on himself. Remind him that he is the harshest judge of himself.       Practical Application for Teachers of Thinkers Work towards accommodating a thinkers learning style. Thinker’s best learn visually, so help a thinker succeed by supplying printed data and information for the thinker to analyze and look over.       Practical Application for Coaches of Thinkers Coach a thinker to see her interactive style as a strength. Encourage her to seek out opportunities where her strengths will shine, like in positions where she can work with computer or numbers, perhaps as on staff of the yearbook or as a member of the math club.       If Your Child Is A Harmonizer • Embrace the peacemaking nature of your harmonizer and communicate that peacemaking is a valued and desirable quality. • Encourage your harmonizer to make a habit of tackling small and easy tasks frst to set herself up for success. • Show your harmonizer that you appreciate him for him. It will go a long way in building his self-esteem.       Practical Application for Teachers of Harmonizers Work towards accommodating a harmonizers learning style. Harmonizer’s best learn aurally, so help a harmonizer succeed by arranging for a study buddy a harmonizer can call if they get stuck on a take home assignment.       Practical Application for Coaches of Harmonizers Coach a harmonizer to see her interactive style as a strength. Encourage her to seek out opportunities where her strengths will shine, like in social situations, perhaps as a member of a social club or welcoming committee.         If Your Child Is An Infuencer • Praise your infuencer’s creativity. Encourage her to explore her creative ideas. 4 3 • Encourage her to feel things out before making a decision and to embrace her inner guiding voice. • Brainstorm ways your infuencer can incorporate structure into her daily life and encourage her to use structure to help her succeed.       Practical Application for Teachers of Infuencers Work towards accommodating an infuencers learning style. Infuencer’s best learn experientially, so help an infuencer succeed by coming up with a creative way to apply a new concept, like writing a song about a new mathematical concept.       Practical Application for Coaches of Infuencers Coach an infuencer to see her interactive style as a strength. Encourage her to seek out opportunities where her strengths will shine, like in creative clubs, perhaps as a member of the choir or art club.     Coaching Kids to Be Honest     Honesty is an honorable trait that all parents want their kids to possess. The good news is with a little coaching, you can instill the value of honesty within your child.       If Your Child Is An Achiever • Lay out concrete honest expectations. Use real life examples of what does and doesn’t constitute honesty. • If you think your child has lied, confront him in a non-emotional and direct way. “Are you being honest about how you got that new CD?” • Be honest with your achiever. He will pick up on any discrepancies.       Practical Application for Teachers of Achievers If you think an achiever gave a classmate the answers to a homework assignment, ask the achiever in an unemotional but direct way, if he happened to provide the answers to his classmate.         Practical Application for Coaches of Achievers If you want honesty, give honesty to an achiever. They will notice if you’re holding back or being untruthful, so be prepared to answer tough questions, like if you ever smoked when you   44 were in school. If you’re not proud of the answer, give specifc reasons why you wouldn’t make the same choice again.       If Your Child Is A Thinker • Be respectful of your thinker. It will go a long way towards building a solid relationship.   • Suggest ways your thinker can present hard truths. “If you don’t want to do something, you could say it’s not something I am comfortable with.” • Give your thinker the freedom to communicate on her own time frame. She may need time to analyze and plan how she’ll handle a conversation.       Practical Application for Teachers of Thinkers If you notice that a thinker is having diffculty concentrating, but won’t tell you what’s bothering her, leave the lines of communication open by stating you’re there to listen when she’s ready to share.       Practical Application for Coaches of Thinkers If you know that a thinker isn’t being honest about something, like where he went after school, present him with the specifc reasons and information on why you think he’s being dishonest. “I know you told me you went to the library after school, but at 3 pm, I saw you walking down Smith Road.”       If Your Child Is A Harmonizer • Brainstorm ways you can tell people things they don’t want to hear. Since your harmonizer won’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, if she doesn’t know how to present diffcult information she may try to avoid communicating the truth. • Praise your harmonizer when he communicates something that was diffcult for him. Praise him for his forthrightness, maturity and honesty. • Model honesty to your harmonizer. Be honest in your communications with her and you’ll likely get the same in return.       Practical Application for Teachers of Harmonizers When a harmonizer comes to you and tells on another student for writing on the bathroom wall, thank him for sharing the information with you. Harmonizers don’t like to create trouble or tension, so if she’s coming to you about something, she’s likely truly concerned.   4 5   Practical Application for Coaches of Harmonizers If you notice a harmonizer taking part in an activity you know she doesn’t like, coach her to share her feelings through brainstorming. “When you’re friends ask you to go the mall and you don’t want to go to the mall, what are some things you could say?”   If Your Child Is An Infuencer • Tell stories or read books to communicate the value of being honest.   • Build trust with your infuencer by engaging him in conversation and showing appreciation for his creativity. • Outline what constitutes honesty in your home and use positive reinforcement to help guide your pre-teen on the honest track.       Practical Application for Teachers of Infuencers When working with an infuencer on telling the truth, act out a play to demonstrate the value of being honest and the consequences of being dishonest.       Practical Application for Coaches of Infuencers When coaching an infuencer to be honest, ask him about his favorite food. Ask him to answer with the truth and then ask him to answer with a lie. Coach him to sense how his body feels when he’s not being honest.       Practical Application for Teachers of Infuencers If a working infuencer seems to be slacking off with schoolwork, have a conversation about his responsibilities as a student. Ask her what ideas she has for getting more schoolwork into her day. Encourage her to fnd creative ways to get more study time in. Maybe she can make note cards to study at work on her breaks?       Practical Application for Coaches of Infuencers Create a colorful pie chart with an infuencer. Slice the pie into pieces that depict how he spends his week. Have pieces for school, work, friends, homework, self, exercise and sleep. Talk about the current time he allots to each activity then have him create his ideally sliced pie chart.   46 Section 5     Capitalizing on Your Teenagers’ Interactive Style     Coaching Teens on Trust Building Trust building is an important life skill that successful adults must master. Help your teen build your trust by using tools and motivations that align with your teen’s interactive style. trust is a two-way street based upon walking one’s talk, meaning what you say, and saying what you mean.       If Your Child Is An Achiever • Since your teen’s display of emotions may not be an honest refection of how he is feeling, ask direct questions, which identify a feeling when trying to access how your teen is doing. For example, “Is that excitement I see in your eyes? You sound really happy; is that true?” Thank him for his honesty when he shares what’s going on. • Avoid being overly emotional when discussing issues and situations. Stick to the facts and share the logical reasons behind why you’ve formed an opinion. • Your teen will respond better to be guided with a supporting hand rather than a controlling one. Using gentle guidance will help build a positive relationship that is conducive to trust.       Practical Application for Teachers of Achievers When teaching an achiever, it’s important not to gauge how they are doing based on their expression of emotion. If you sense an achiever is struggling with his term paper, directly ask him how it’s coming along. Thank him for being honest when he shares his status and suggest ways he can get back on track.       Practical Application for Coaches of Achievers Support an achiever by offering gentle guidance when he’s looking at making a poor choice. Gaining respect when coaching an achiever, rather than trying to control his behaviors, will go a long way in building trust.         If Your Child Is A Thinker • Understand that he takes time thinking things through. Just because he isn’t quick to 4 7 answer doesn’t mean he’s being dishonest. • Share why trust is important in relationships. Provide concrete ways the lack of trust negatively impacts relationships.   48 • Offer suggestions on how your teen can build trust. Coming home on time, being honest and keeping commitments are great concrete things your teen could do to increase trust.       Practical Application for Teachers of Thinkers If a thinker is silent when you ask her how she did with her weekend assignment, understand that her silence doesn’t mean she didn’t complete it. She may need a few minutes to formulate and think through her response.       Practical Application for Coaches of Thinkers If a thinker if having trouble gaining her parents trust when it comes to curfew, encourage her to take concrete steps to build trust. Suggest that she come home a few minutes before curfew each night, that she always calls if plans change, and to always be honest about where she is going and who she is going with.           If Your Child Is A Harmonizer • Harmonizers thrive on trust. When you give trust, you’ll get it in return. • Be a trust building role model. Model how trust building happens. • Begin trusting your teen with the small things and gradually increase your level of trust. It will build his self-confdence and help him to feel like he’s worthy of being trusted.       Practical Application for Teachers of Harmonizers Help build a harmonizer’s trust by asking her to complete simple tasks, like completing her homework without checking in on her status. Ask her to report to you once a task is complete and quiz her on what she was studying.       Practical Application for Coaches of Harmonizers If a harmonizer breaks your trust, show him steps he can take to regain it. Express how being dishonest has affected your relationship and provide him with small ways to earn back trust, like asking him to complete a specifc task and verifying completion.         If Your Child Is An Infuencer • Encourage trust building through open and honest communication. • When your child has proven he’s able to be trusted with a specifc task, give him lots of praise and affection. • Ask your infuencer for ways he thinks would be good trust building exercises.   4 9   Practical Application for Teachers of Infuencers Ask an infuencer to take on a specifc task, like bringing the attendance list to the offce. When he comes directly back, without taking a detour, praise him for doing a great job.       Practical Application for Coaches of Infuencers Coach an infuencer to be proactive in helping around the house or telling his parents where he’s going. Doing so will show maturity and show he can be trusted to take initiative when something needs to be done.     Coaching Teens on the Rules of the Road     Learning to drive is a major rite of passage. Prior to this rite of passage, as a parent, you’ll look for displays of good judgment and common sense. Since driving is a matter of life and death, does your Teen display respect for life, for himself, and for others who may be passengers in his car. Is your teen a responsible person, as demonstrated in other areas of his life? If you and your teen are ready for this rite of passage, then read on. Teens look forward to the moment they can get behind the wheel, while parents approach   it with great apprehension and concern. Being sure that your teen understands your guidelines can help assure his or her safety and your peace of mind.       If Your Child Is An Achiever • Keep your emotions in check when talking to your teen about the rules and responsibilities of driving. Simply state the rules and ask your teen if he is willing to comply. • Ask your teen to create a parent/teen driving agreement that outlines the rules you’ve discussed. • Clearly state the consequences should your teen choose to break the rules.                 Practical Application for Teachers of Achievers If you see a student driving inappropriately on school grounds, unemotionally state what you saw and restate the rules of driving on school grounds. Ask the teen if he’s willing to comply. Practical Application for Coaches of Achievers Provide a list of rules, like you have to ask before going out, and ask the achiever to adhere to them. Ask an achiever how he’ll handle his desire to do his own thing when there are boundaries in place.   50     If Your Child Is A Thinker • Present your expectations and driving rules to your teen in an organized fashion. • When driving with your teen, offer suggestions of better ways to handle situations, rather than criticism.       • Ask your teen to consider different scenarios and write or discuss how he’d handle them. Practical Application for Teachers of Thinkers If a thinker has been late for class since she started driving, remind her what time class starts and offer suggestions for how she can get to class on time. Perhaps she can leave a few minutes earlier or avoid stopping for her morning latte?       Practical Application for Coaches of Thinkers Create a list of the do’s and don’ts of the road for an achiever to review. Give him time to review and ask questions.       If Your Child Is A Harmonizer • Talk through all the potential things that can occur when driving. Discuss everything from what to do if an animal runs into the road, to how to report an accident. • Allow your teen to become familiar driving on short familiar routes before tackling longer and unfamiliar ones. • Offer lots of encouragement to your harmonizer. Your teen will do well if she knows you believe in her abilities.               Practical Application for Teachers of Harmonizers When you see that a harmonizer has done a great parking job in the school lot, praise her for a job well done and for taking her role as driver so seriously. Practical Application for Coaches of Harmonizers Role-play different scenarios that may come up when driving. What do you do if you have an accident? What to do if you are lost? What if someone cuts you off? How many more scenarios can you and your teen brainstorm and practice?       If Your Child Is An Infuencer • Understand she’ll learn by doing and provide lots of opportunities to practice.     • Together create a list of acceptable driving rules. Include places that are okay and places 5 1 that are not okay to go.   • Talk about the responsibilities that come along with driving.       Practical Application for Teachers of Infuencers If you catch an infuencer riding without a seat belt on school grounds, share the consequences for not wearing her seat belt seriously.       Practical Application for Coaches of infuencers When an infuencer insists on driving her friends around, coach her to drive without being distracted. Talk about the real dangers of talking on a cell phone, looking away from the road and eating when driving. Have your teen sign a contract of accountability for being responsible. For example, consider that talking on a cell phone while driving is illegal in some states, what kind of responsibility can your teen be accountable for?     Coaching Teens on Choosing Friends     Your teen isn’t going to be compatible with everyone. That’s a simple fact of life. Help your teen make healthy choices about friends. Who will he spend his time with, and how do they spend their time?. When your teen understands his or her interactive style, he can select friends and build lasting relationships with those who best compliment him.       If Your Child Is An Achiever Avoid giving the impression that you’re trying to control who your teen is friends with. It will build resentment and undermine your relationship.   If you have concerns about a particular friend, present your concerns in a non-accusatory and non-emotional format. Be sure to back up your concerns with facts.   Be honest and direct with what you’re thinking, instead of trying to beat around the bush.         Practical Application for Teachers of Achievers If you notice an achiever being pulled into the wrong crowd and you’re concerned, approach the teen without being emotional. “I’m concerned about your friend Sammy. I’m wondering if he’s pressuring you to smoke. I heard him talking about smoking after school.”       Practical Application for Coaches of Achievers If you think an achiever may be in a dating relationship, simply ask. “I am wondering if you   52 are dating Charlotte” will be much better received than assuming he is dating without your knowledge.       If Your Child Is A Thinker • Present issues or concerns and allow your thinker time to process them.   • Encourage your thinker to access a situation by asking open-ended questions. “How do you think that will pan out?” • Give your teen appropriate suggestions. “I would think that gossiping is not something a friend would do. How do you feel about what Terry did?”       Practical Application for Teachers of Thinkers If you notice a thinker giving another student a hard time about her uncool clothes, pull her aside and ask how she’d feel if someone was making fun of her clothing and suggest she refrain from making harsh comments about what other students wear in the future. Remind her that just because she may not like someone, she doesn’t have a right to speak unkindly to him or her.       Practical Application for Coaches of Thinkers If you’re concerned about whom a thinker is keeping for company, state your specifc concern. “I’m concerned about your friendship with Marc. I saw him at the mall on Saturday and he was arguing with a security guard. Do you think I have reason for concern?”       If Your Child Is A Harmonizer • Give her permission to not be friends with everybody. Your harmonizer doesn’t like discord and may feel obligated to be friends with someone, even if she isn’t compatible with them. • Model healthy relationships in your life. Your harmonizer is a keen observer and will look to you as a model for how to handle her relationships. • Have friendly, open communication about her friendships. Be willing to listen to what your teen is saying with an open mind.       Practical Application for Teachers of Harmonizers Allow a harmonizer to choose whom she is paired up with for a school project. She’s likely to be more comfortable and more productive with someone she knows well and has a relationship with.   5 3   Practical Application for Coaches of Harmonizers If you notice that the same boy from school keeps calling a harmonizer and she keeps agreeing to hang out with him, but then says she does it so she doesn’t hurt his feelings, talk to her about why she is making that choice. Encourage her to explore her feelings and ask her how she’d feel if someone was being a friend with her because they felt like they had too, rather than because she was truly liked.       If Your Child Is An Infuencer • Encourage your infuencer to be an infuence! Convey the power in purposeful actions.   • Brainstorm creative ways your infuencer can deal with problems in relationships.   • Praise your infuencer when he makes good relationship decisions.       Practical Application for Teachers of Infuencers If you notice that friends of an infuencer are acting inappropriately in the hallways between classes, recruit the infuencer to be a role model and exert positive peer pressure to help keep his friends in line.       Practical Application for Coaches of Infuencers Coach an infuencer to take time for himself or herself. Infuencers love to be the life of the party and the center of attention, so spending time alone isn’t something they tend to do often. Encourage an infuencer to have an appreciation for spending time alone and to take time to do things that he or she enjoys.     Coaching Teens on Work / Life Balance     Most individuals secure their frst jobs during their teen years. Give your teen a healthy start in the workforce by encouraging a healthy work/life balance.       If Your Child Is An Achiever • Set a specifc limit on the hours that your teen is able to work, but allow him to pick and choose when he works. • Provide concrete, real life examples of how the work/life balance can become out of whack. • Encourage your teen to look for a job that allows her to work independently in a position where she isn’t micromanaged. • Insure the teen is clear with an employer regarding how many days a week to work   54   Practical Application for Teachers of Achievers If you notice the grades of an achiever slipping since he started working, gently encourage him to refocus on his studies. He’s likely already upset with himself for his declining schoolwork, so adding additional pressure to perform won’t be productive.   Practical Application for Coaches of Achievers Coach an achiever to put school frst. Money brings independence, so it’s no surprise that an achiever will enjoy as much work as she can, but talk about real-life examples of how doing well in school can impact her future fnancial freedom and independence.       If Your Child Is A Thinker • Offer constructive suggestions on how she can balance schoolwork, her social life and her job. • Be careful to not put additional pressure on your thinker. He likely puts lots of pressure on himself and doesn’t need any extra. • Encourage her to work in a feld that requires processing data, working with numbers or working on a computer.       Practical Application for Teachers of Thinkers If you notice a working thinker dozing off in class, pull her aside and have a conversation. Tell her how much you admire her work ethic and commitment to become fnancially         independent and make suggestions of how she can get more sleep. Perhaps she can turn down additional shifts or ask to not be scheduled past 7 pm? Practical Application for Coaches of Thinkers Coach a thinker to calculate how his week is spent. Break it down into hours. How much time is spent in school? At work? Studying? With friends? Encourage him to fnd a better balance.                 If Your Child Is A Harmonizer • Encourage her to know her limits and make choices that are best for her. • Model a healthy work/life balance in your own life. • Encourage her to pursue a job where she interacts regularly with people. • Practical Application for Teachers of Harmonizers • When teaching a frustrated harmonizer that she can’t be in two places at once, let her know that you have outside obligations too and sometimes doing too much means letting   5 5 people down. Give an example of a scheduling confict you experienced. Encourage her to make choices that beneft her and allow her to succeed in school, at work and with friendships.       Practical Application for Coaches of Harmonizers Join together with a harmonizer who is struggling to fnd time to hang out with friends. Brainstorm on ways she can create more fun time. Perhaps she can limit her work schedule or set aside a non-workday that is reserved for hanging out with friends?       If Your Child Is An Infuencer • Support him as he feels his way though fnding his home/work balance.   • Role-play situations and scenarios that demonstrate a work/life balance, as well as those that demonstrate a lack of balance. • Encourage your teen to take a position that allows for some creativity.       Practical Application for Teachers of Infuencers If a working infuencer seems to be slacking off with schoolwork, have a conversation about his responsibilities as a student. Ask her what ideas she has for getting more schoolwork into her day. Encourage her to fnd creative ways to get more study time in. Maybe she can make note cards to study at work on her breaks?       Practical Application for Coaches of Infuencers Create a colorful pie chart with an infuencer. Slice the pie into pieces that depict how he spends his week. Have pieces for school, work, friends, homework, self, exercise and sleep. Talk about the current time he allots to each activity then have him create his ideally sliced pie chart.     Conclusio n Every child is unique and special and has their own way of interacting with the people, places and things in their lives. Once you understand your child’s interactive style, you can purposely parent your child in a way that best works with how he or she engages their world. The Academy of Coaching Parents International hopes that you will use these tips to purposely parent your child according to his or her unique interactive style. Doing so will bring more peace,   tranquility and success to your parenting, your home and your life!   56   About the Authors         Caron B. Goode, ED.D., NCC, DAPA Dr. Caron Goode is gifted with compassion in assisting others to effect lasting transformation through spiritual coaching, books, classes and seminars. She is the author of a dozen books; the most recent is Raising Intuitive Children (New Page, 2009). An inspirational speaker and counselor, she has shaped all of her professional endeavors into an educational program for training and certifying coaches for parents and families, the Academy for Coaching Parents International. She has positioned the Academy for Coaching Parents International (www.acpi.biz) at the forefront of the parent coaching movement to support connection and empowerment.       Minette Riordan, Ph.D., CCP Dr. Minette Riordan’s passion for connecting people to each other   is deeply rooted in her belief that it is our connection to spirit, to self and to others that is the foundation of true happiness. Over the years, Minette has found many unique ways of helping people to create both inner connection to their higher self and powerful connections to others around them. Through Minette’s work as a teacher, a writer, a speaker, a community volunteer and a business owner, she has educated thousands of people on the subjects of communication, commitment, and connection. Dr. Riordan is the founder of Scissortail Publishing, a multi-media company devoted to helping parents fnd access to the information and resources they need to raise happy, healthy kids. www.minetteriordan.com   5 7