Brian Cito

If you need a moving eulogy for a complete cretin, I’m your guy. Or, if you need to pay compliments to someone you despise, I’ll find the beauty in the beast. But I prefer the novelty of honesty, especially in the realms of food, music, art, and travel. You know: the good bits.

Do you need someone to offer “just desserts” in a review of a high-end restaurant serving farmed trout under the guise of fresh salmon? I’ll gut that fish! (I worked in restaurants for decades, and am an elite award-winning reviewer for Yelp, five years running.) Is a sophomoric cafe serving lattes and calling them cappuccinos? I’ll happily serve them right back! I can tell you (and your readers) more than whether or not a dish or beverage succeeded or failed; I can tell you why.

Need a columnist to generate exciting press for your local underground music rag from the perspective of someone inside? I can grind that (expletive) out, baby! (I was a touring and recording rock drummer for 20 years.) I can speak the language, do the interviews, ask the right questions, because I’ve been asked a few myself.

I can test recipes and explain technique for your food blogs and columns. I can edit, advise, proofread, ghostwrite. Need a name for your business? A motto or by-line? Let me at it! Lyrics for a song? A poem? Just give me time, and I’ll make it rhyme!

If you just need a sounding board that won’t blow sunshine where it isn’t welcome, one that gives you an honest appraisal of your product, business, website, or whatever voodoo you do...I’m your huckleberry!

(ahem)

...I’m also expert in inventory, menu costing and analysis, espresso service, training and technique. I’ve served over 10,000 customers as a Lyft and Uber driver, lost over 120 pounds (overcoming sleep apnea, diabetes, and depression along the way), taken care of monkeys professionally, toured Europe with an orchestra, nearly drowned in class-4 rapids in Costa Rica (before I lost the weight, so: not that impressive, really), married maybe the most amazing woman you’re ever likely to meet (no exaggeration, not even a little), and even had a pet goat once. His name was Ishtar. No, I’m not kidding. Don’t look at me like that...

What all that means, in distillation, is: I’ve acquired a rare perch from which to view anything you throw at me. If you’re stuck, let me take a gander through these curious goggles experience afforded me, and I’ll share my perspective and insight with you, to our mutual benefit.

In sum: I’m a sensualist writer, cook, musician and artist, in love with adjectives, flavors and visions, actively seeking what’s next...

So, whatcha got?