Talitha Van Niekerk

WHEN RELATIVES SQUAT IN YOUR LIFE Why it happens and what to do Let’s face it, life is tough. It’s understandable that many people would want to abandon ship, and flee from their lives when disaster strikes. Pressures at work and in relationships make for stressed individuals, and the modern phenomenon of ‘relative squatters’. Mention this to anybody on the street and they will either be in this very situation, or know someone who is. It has become a prolific problem which affects not only the individual who has ‘fallen on hard times’, but also their family who takes them in. There seems to be no clear solution to this problem. A fortunate few manage to find employment for their relatives, and help them to get back onto their feet before those feet take root. However, these are becoming the exception to the rule. Why do people give up? From basic psychology we learn that people have either an internal locus of control where they view themselves as the engineers of their own fate; or they have an external locus of control where they are the helpless victim. If someone believes that they are the victim and that they are no longer responsible for their own fate, they will find excuses for failure. They do not view this failure as being theirs. After all, they believe that “it’s not who you are, but who you know” and “it’s the political climate that cost me my job”. Such individuals do not achieve much, and they blame their blunders on others. Quickly quitting and lacking quality of effort. It is not clear if people are born with a preference for either type, or whether it is conditioned into them. People can be achievers and still end up failing later at life. There are many stories of homeless people who previously held high paying jobs. One can only speculate … perhaps life’s pressures become more than a person can handle and something snaps in their psyche. They become depressed, feel lost and eventually take on the view that the world is against them. When they quit their life and give up, these people usually fall back on plan F, which is their relatives. Learnt helplessness – why you can’t help them Studies into the homeless and impoverished communities of the world have revealed the concept of ‘learnt helplessness’. It is a theory which reasons that once a person believes that they are helpless, they are not psychologically able to take responsibility. Their focus shifts from long term living, to short term gratification. People suffering from leant helplessness abhor any responsibilities, as this challenges their inner view, that they are not able to do anything. This is why they often choose to remain unemployed, live on the streets, and show a complete lack of any future planning. Families feel responsible and in helping such people, play right into their fallacious reality, proving to these individuals that they really can’t fix their own problems. So the victim waits for a hero to save the day. Your intentions Families stick together, or so the saying goes. There is an irrefutable guilt in turning your back on your family. We are conditioned to believe that there’s a special hell for people who ostracize a family member. Our intentions then is to rush in and save that brother, sister, father or other familial relation, not realising that we truly can’t save someone, who doesn’t want to be saved. Their reality It is almost unthinkable that the person you are trying to help, might turn around and bite the hand that holds them. Gratitude seems oddly missing from this most stressful of situations. Efforts at helping your relative often bear no fruit, as they sink deeper into depression and lash out at those in the immediate vicinity, usually your family. In the mind of the victim, they are being wronged by the whole world, and that includes you. They will tell lies, stories and alter truths to suit their version of reality, simply to match their psychological paradigm. Incongruence between their view on reality and their actions will not be tolerated, to do so would create a psychotic break in some instances. Though you try to help, for them, you are part of the problem. Instead of blaming themselves, they project their blame onto you. Your options Sympathy is poison. Feeling sorry for these downtrodden loved ones, is the entrance to the first circle of hell. Empathy is perhaps more useful. Understand what they have been through, but your options must make it clear that they have to stop licking their wounds, and get back into the fight. a) Routine Since childhood, we rebel against routine. Yet, it is extremely beneficial for us. It provides focus, removes daily stress, and familiarises the body with a regular pattern which it becomes used to following. Assigning routine tasks, such as daily chores will greatly help to end the cycle of self-pity which the relative squatter is stuck in. But don’t be surprised if, like a child, they rebel. Stick to your truth. Monitor and reward where necessary. This is after all how we all learnt the value of hard work and dedication. b) Make job hunting a priority By not creating a soft little nest where they can hide from the world, you will ensure that your squatters actually want to find a job. Evaluate them on their actions, not their words. You need to ‘trust, but verify’. Request proof that they are in fact submitting their CV and are going for job interviews. c) Get out of God’s way At this point one of two things will happen. Either, they will be motivated to find employment and take responsibility for their life again; or, they will find living with you disagreeable and will likely find somewhere else to squat. This is their choice, not yours. You will feel like a dog for being mean, for ‘pushing them out’. The Bible, at first, doesn’t help: “Am I not my brother’s keeper” will haunt you. But remember that God has a plan. That plan will not be a relative who ruins your life by living for free on your conscience. Get out of God’s way. God’s plan might involve your relative really hitting rock bottom. At times, they need to stand knee deep in the muck before taking root and growing. d) Know your responsibility Lastly, it helps to know what your real responsibility is. You have your own family who depends on you. Their happiness, wellbeing, and sanity should take priority … not to mention yours. Having a relative take up residence in your home and life is not an easy matter. It is loaded with emotional issues, financial strain and societal opinions. No one can tell you how to solve the problem. No matter what you choose to do, you will feel guilty. The advice given here might seem very much like tough love; but in the end, when your family member has been able to pick up the pieces of their existence instead of stealing yours, they will thank you.