Susie Pinon

Emotional Intelligence Vs. Emotional Detachment And why the two are mutually exclusive. Photo by ​Alexander Krivitskiy​ on ​Unsplash As we age, we are exposed to life experiences that shape us and sometimes break us. It’s part of growing, maturing, and simply put — being an adult. It can be easier to suppress our emotions than to face them, feel them, and transmute them. But if we are always in a position where we find ourselves pushing all of our uncomfortable feelings away, then how will we grow, learn, and appreciate all the wonderful feelings on the vast spectrum of emotions? I have always loved a good rainstorm. The pounding of rain down on my roof, mildly flooded streets, the wicked sway of trees, and darkened skies that circle quickly… As a child, I believed that the heaven’s needed a moment to cry, for so much sadness has accumulated and could no longer be stored. For if it did, nothing could get better and would only get worse in time. As a young girl, I often spoke to the angels on rainy days and told them it’s important that they let it all out so they can heal and start to feel better. And as an adult, when the sky cries, I feel a warm sense of relief. It’s like the Universe understands the pain I have endured throughout the years- pain that I have moved past with grace in time. If I’m home during a daytime storm, I’ll sit outside under an awning that keeps me dry. I thank the rain for washing away all my worries and feelings of doubt and consider it a spiritual cleansing for myself. If it’s a drizzle, I’ll stand on the grass barefoot with open arms, and send gratitude to the heavens for a chance at a new start-a new chapter in my life. What exactly is emotional intelligence? Emotional intelligence is sometimes referred to as EQ or EI and was initially developed and popularized by Daniel Goleman in a groundbreaking best seller he wrote on the ideology. EQ can be described as having a quality, trait, or even skill that enables us to confront conflict with ease, patience, empathy, and imagination. We use emotional intelligence to face problems that arise within us or to manage disagreements we have with others. EQ or emotional quotient includes having the ability to identify our own emotions and the emotions of others. Then, being able to use this information to influence our decision making and guide our behaviors. It may be considered an essential skill of an influential leader. It’s important to note that a perfect emotionally intelligent being does not exist. EQ is a spectrum in which everyone can learn and improve on since we are all innately emotional beings. Emotional intelligence can be divided into different perspectives: the self and others. Emotional intelligence within ourselves means that we are able to identify and understand our emotions and figure out the best way to respond to them. This includes being self-aware and having the ability to self-assess and maintain self-confidence. Someone with EQ should be transparent, adaptable, motivated, and able to manage the self. In relation to others, it means that we take notice of other people’s behaviors and emotional reactions and use that to construct our behavior. Emotional intelligence is not granted to us innately. It evolves from education through various life experiences, especially hardships. Our childhood has a huge part in setting the groundwork for how emotionally intelligent we are wired to be. Life experiences throughout our youth also have a tremendous influence on how we might navigate our fears and wishes. It’s a shame that we don’t take the opportunity to teach emotional intelligence in schools, and that we struggle with the concept of what it means to actually be emotionally intelligent as adults. I personally believe that the polar opposite of emotional intelligence is emotional detachment. Perhaps that is a controversial opinion, and I don’t believe there is any “right” opinion on the matter. Through my life experiences, I have come across many emotionally intelligent people — many of which I have befriended and kept close to me. And then there were others I came across, unwilling to open up, cold as stone despite having a kind heart. I noticed that I preferred to surround myself with the empaths as opposed to those who seemed to never be fully present when we were together. And thus my opinion of the two personality traits being mutually exclusive resurfaced and transformed into a belief I now hold. When individuals exhibit high levels of emotional intelligence, they may be able to forgive easily, fail to hold grudges, and rarely if ever experience anger over trivial things. Of course, anger is a healthy emotion and can be expressed appropriately from time to time. But when someone is emotionally intelligent, they are able to accept the ideology that “hurt people (have a tendency to) hurt people” because they are living their life through the lens of pain. They may refrain from taking things personally and are unafraid to wear their heart on their sleeve (even if it means they will be hurt later.) Sometimes, when people have low levels of emotional intelligence, rather than facing their unfavorable feelings when they arise, they suppress them voluntarily. This is one type of defense mechanism known as emotional detachment. Emotional Detachment Emotional detachment can simply be described as the avoidance of emotional connections. It may be temporary and serve as an attempt to protect the ego and self from highly emotional and/or disturbing circumstances eg: the death of a loved one, breakup, loss of career, etc. Detachment can become concerning if the individual is not actively trying to be emotionally detached, or if the detachment is chronic. In extreme cases, it could be indicative of a depersonalization disorder or others like Narcissistic personality disorder, etc. On the other hand, it can be a healthy coping mechanism that enables individuals to react calmly to highly emotional situations like emergencies, death, etc. When emotional detachment is a deliberate mental choice made by an individual to avoid feelings of hurt, sadness, or other emotional connections, this can be beneficial. It can allow a person the space and time needed to rationalize whether or not they will choose to be manipulated by their feelings. Someone who chooses to emotionally detach may train themselves to ignore the emotional demands of others and remain unbothered by them. This can be a positive way to maintain emotional boundaries with others. Emotional detachment can also be described as emotional numbing and as mentioned before, may provide reason for concern if the behavior is ongoing and chronic. When emotional detachment reflects as more of a personality trait than an emotional regulation tactic, it may be time for some intervention. If emotional detachment is the norm for someone, it may be attributed to this person’s history of coping with childhood trauma like abuse or neglect. And in time, this may evolve into a personality trait and how an individual manages regular stressors in their everyday life, no matter the severity. Regardless of where their practiced habit of detachment evolved from, it is obvious that someone practices detachment when they appear preoccupied, disinterested, and/or not really present when you are with them. I have met many people in life who prefer to negate their emotions and suppress them voluntarily. They do this because they’d rather feel nothing at all then have to face uncomfortable feelings of sadness, grief, uncertainty, or regret. But when we fail to feel our feelings, even if we think we have pushed the unpleasant ones far away, where do these feelings all end up? Do they exit our bodies through anger and rage, perhaps even violence or threats of violence towards oneself or others? Or maybe they manifest into a disease, since living in a constant state of ​dis-ease​ may cause the body to react abnormally. When we fail to face our difficult emotions, we are doing ourselves a disservice. We are giving up a chance to grow, improve, adapt, and prepare for the future when we may be faced with these emotions once again. And even if we practice emotional detachment on a regular basis, and think we have everything under control — the truth is that the suppressed emotions must come out sooner or later. Do you think you may have low levels of emotional intelligence? 1. You have difficulty understanding and conceptualizing other people’s feelings. 2. You blame others for emotional problems that have already existed within yourself prior to even meeting this person. 3. You experience unexpected emotional outbursts. You may lose control over your reactions and respond in a way that reflects a 0–100 type of reaction. 4. You consider others overly sensitive and/or emotional. You lack empathy for others. 5. You have difficulty maintaining relationships because you have a demeanor that portrays you as cold. 6. You are unable to deal with situations that involve high emotions. (Eg: you become uncomfortable when people cry in front of you.) 7. You lack the ability to identify and name the emotions you are feeling. People with low emotional intelligence would much rather walk away than deal with difficult emotions and charged circumstances. Individuals like this often have a tendency to close off their emotions and keep them buried deep within them. Since they choose to shut out their emotions, these feelings may show themselves through anxiety, stress, or having a short-temper, leading to frequent outbursts of anger (possibly over trivial things.) If you believe you may be chronically emotionally detached, you are already on your way to recovery of feeling your feelings. If you wish to change, start small. Write one journal entry about how you’re feeling, go barefoot on the grass without complaining and actually try to enjoy it, sit down and have a long cry, start to see a therapist…the options are endless. Anything is possible when you are willing to change and want to put in the work. When you live life as an emotionally intelligent individual, it doesn’t mean you will be happy all the time. It means that you will face your negative emotions head-on, make sense of them, process them accordingly, and work through them. If these circumstances that cause you pain lead you to cry, that’s okay. If they cause you to ruminate and analyze for a little while, that’s okay too. With every life experience, we learn how to adapt, better cope, and move on. Without the rain, we would never appreciate the sun. Xo, Susie