Savannah Frierson

CHAPTER 1 The soft sway of the water stilled as the Fates looked on. “Are we certain this is the only way?” The shortest of the Fates asked the question but only because she questioned Deleted: . A everything, already knowing the answer. “It unfolds as it should,” a slender cloaked figure replied. “Thus far. Each must be tested and do his or her part. Even the son of Ares. No one avoids their fate,” the one standing on the far right of the pool added calmly. “But he has always been aware,” a raspy voice countered. “Yet, for the most part, he’s lived human lives. This will require the first use of all of his powers and once they taste it, they will only want more,” the shortest stated. Deleted: , n Commented [SF1]: Although not a proofreading comment, I do want to make a note that in this speak, the first sentence is grammatically correct with “His or her part. In this portion, it goes to “their”. I’d change it to this: “Even the son of Ares. No one can avoid destiny.” That way you avoid the pronoun antecedent issue and say essentially the same thing. The others nodded in agreement. “Sooner or later, they will all be tested,” the one on the right said. “Failure is true death,” the slender figure replied. “For us all.” **** Ledo opened his eyes to stare into the blaze of the sun. Immediately, he closed them. Deleted: , t The movement caused pain to bang behind his shut lids and into his skull until it echoed Deleted: , throughout his body. Unsure why he could see the sun, or where he was for that matter, he Deleted: . H moaned. Where the fuck was he? What happened? The last thing he remembered was tranzing and chasing after Ze’s lightning bolt. He caught it in his talons, adding his own powers to guide it where it needed to go: right into the entrance of Tartarus in an attempt Commented [SF2]: I’m assuming spelling of this word is okay. Deleted: . R to destroy it. He remembered the explosion and an endless sensation of his atoms being ripped apart as he was wrenched from his vulture form. After that, it’d all been a blur. Deleted: , An icy wind blew across his naked body. He shivered and tried to sit up. His human Deleted: ice ass was freezing. It was so fucking cold. How long had he been out? The temperature Deleted: , h shouldn’t affect him like this. Where was he? He glanced around and realized he lay in the middle of a white sea of ice and blowing snow as far as his eyes could see. Was this the North Pole? Is this where the entrance had been hidden, deep beneath the ice? That made sense, but no, not the North. The magnetic energy felt more like the South. Antarctica. That was where he was. Actually, what he was…was fucked. While he could change his form, he couldn’t create clothes, and when he changed, his clothes were destroyed. Usually, he was able to make it back home or to someplace where he’d stashed clothes. Not this time. Sometimes, it really sucked being the son of a god. He shivered. Normally, the cold wouldn’t bother him, but this was a bitter cold and he’d exerted a lot of energy. He also feared he might have lost quite a bit of time. His bird form wouldn’t help him here. He needed something that would function better in this stark environment. The other form he inherited from dear Dad, one that was part dog, part wolf. With a thought, his body shimmered, his bones seeming to liquefy before contorting. Changing in less than a nanosecond, he went from man to a dark gray and brown cross between a wolf and a dog with a white patch on his head. He raised his nose Commented [SF3]: One of these commas an em‐dash instead? Deleted: , t Commented [SF4]: Tenses need to remain consistent. “That’s” is present tense; this narrative is past tense. Deleted: ’ Commented [SF5]: Not a proofread, but I’d consider changing this part to, “and he destroyed his clothes when he changed.” That way, the sentence remains active and Ledo remains the subject. It’ll also eliminate some commas. Deleted: Deleted: , n Deleted: , n Deleted: , h Commented [SF6]: Global note: Two independent clauses not joined by a conjunction must be punctuated either with a period or a semicolon, not a comma. Deleted: dad Deleted: that’s and scented the air. In this form, his senses were heightened tenfold. There. He caught a Deleted: whiff of humans. One, scent in particular, tantalized his senses. Humans meant warmth, Deleted: , fire. Food. He took off at a dead run following his nose. Ledo was larger than most dogs or wolves, stronger and faster. Still, by the time he arrived at his destination, the sun was just getting ready for bed. He circled the place. It was the equivalent of a double-wide mobile home, three of them in the boxed shape of an L. With his enhanced hearing, he listened in on the conversation. Some sort of scientific expedition instead of an adventure-for-shits-and-giggles group. Figures they were studying the weather phenomena and magnetic anomalies, trying to figure out what had been Deleted: , s Commented [SF7]: Not proofreading, however, I think there’s a number discrepancy here, or there needs to be clarity regarding what the antecedent to “them” is. If it’s the equivalent of a doublewide, what are the three “thems”? Since I think the “them” refers to the mobile home, I would suggest to say, “He circled the place, which was three mobile homes connected in an L‐shape.” or something similar. Commented [SF8]: Hyphens because this entire phrase is modifying “group”. Commented [SF9]: I would make the noun/pronoun... [1] happening all over the world for the last month. The hole in the ozone layer was already Deleted: , three times the size of the US and getting larger. Deleted: The good news was what he and Ze had done should put a stop to it. But he didn’t kid himself. It was simply a stopgap measure they’d accomplished. They’d merely stunned Cronus. Hopefully, it would be long enough for Ze to gather some of the descendants of Deleted: Deleted: Deleted: Deleted: , the Olympians to put a permanent hurt to Cronus once and for all. Meanwhile, he needed Deleted: , to get to a main town and try to contact Ze. This was one time he wished he and Ze were Deleted: , i connected, or that his telepathic skills were stronger. Instinct had led him to find Zeus in Formatted: Do not check spelling or grammar Commented [SF10]: Another note: This is the first time ... [2] the first place. Perhaps, instinct would lead Ze to him. He would keep focusing on the once Commented [SF11]: Former? god and maybe that would be enough. Deleted: , p First things first, Ledo needed food and warmth. Even in his enhanced body, his balls Deleted: , e were freezing. He was surprised not to see any dog sleds at the station, but there were a Deleted: they helicopter and a couple of snowmobiles in a covered shed. It also looked like the group had Deleted: did have triangular slanted umbrella over it, probably making it easier for the snow to slide off to Commented [SF12]: The antecedent for “they” is too far up in the next to make this effective, so I changed this. Also, I put “group” back so there wouldn’t be a pronoun antecedent issue with another dangling “they”. one side and protect the transmitter up there. Good, maybe he could use whatever kind of Deleted: and i communications device present to send out a call to Ze. Deleted: they a generator attached to the mobile station. The top of the station had what looked like a He decided the best approach was usually the direct one. He didn’t think this group would buy the idea of a naked man in the middle of the Antarctic in minus 55 Celsius Deleted: they had Deleted: , h Deleted: they weather, but a dog was another matter. He moved to the side of the helicopter, threw back his head, and howled so the wind would carry it toward the structure. And he hoped no one came out with a shotgun to try to plug his sorry ass. **** Aria sat in her room and took out her journal. Since power was at a premium here, she’d brought several paper journals with her to keep a personal log of her adventure. She always did. And so far, it had been an adventure. She read over what she’d written from the time she’d been added as part of the research team. As a new PhD candidate, the competition to be part of the six-person team with one of the foremost physicists of their time was…well, the odds were not good. But she had a Deleted: , s Commented [SF13]: She always did what? Bring journals or keep a personal log? Deleted: And so far Deleted: PHD Deleted: slight advantage—one of her favorite professors at the University of Chicago was the team Commented [SF14]: Generally, all‐caps should be reserved for signs or to indicate strident shouts. Italics for everything else in text. leader’s sister. So she’d known about the expedition before it had been made public and Deleted: NOT had been one of the first to express interest. It also helped she’d already switched her Formatted: Font: Italic research and was studying why the rules of physics had suddenly turned upside down the last few months. It wasn’t just the weird weather and expansion of the hole in the ozone layer; the Deleted: , Deleted: was Deleted: been Deleted: magnetism of the poles had been changing, too. Abnormal energy waves were emitting Deleted: , from the South Pole, having a direct adverse effect on the weather. It should have been Deleted: , Deleted: abnormal twilight here now for a few weeks before changing to night, but there hadn’t been sunlight Deleted: they’d here for months. Yet suddenly, there would be stretches of sunlight, then twilight again. Deleted: had The strange thing was, it was linked to these weird energy emissions; but as strong as the emissions were, they couldn’t find the source, the heart of it. But they were close. It lay somewhere under the vast expanse of ice. She made the day’s entry in her journal and looked back over her others, pausing on Commented [SF15]: The subject needed to be consistent throughout. The sentence staring “It should have been” indicates there is no specific subject, so switching to “they” gives one when that’s not the established focus. Deleted: , then Deleted: they’d have the one made two months ago. In a few minutes, she’d put in a scheduled call to Michael. Deleted: it He’d asked her to marry him and stay before she’d left. She hadn’t said no, she couldn’t Deleted: , i marry him; she’d wanted to and he must have known that. His clue should have been the fact they hadn’t had sex in months and they didn’t live together. More her doing than his. Commented [SF16]: Not proofreading: I would re‐ introduce Aria’s name here since it’s been a while for the reader. He asked her not to answer him then, just think about it. Commented [SF17]: Not proofreading, but this needs ... [3] He’d been angry she’d accepted the chance to be part of groundbreaking science. He was a scientist himself and had applied to be part of the expedition. It would have been Deleted: , Deleted: Deleted: unheard given their personal relationship, everyone in the department knew they’d been Commented [SF18]: I’m not sure what’s trying to be... [4] dating, for them both to have been on the same team. Most relationships didn’t survive Deleted: don’t these types of expeditions. At least not the ones she knew about. But she’d made it; he Deleted: on hadn’t. She got the feeling part of the reason he’d asked her to marry him was to stop her from going. After four years of dating, he’d never once talked about them getting married. In fact, Deleted: , Deleted: didn’t Commented [SF19]: Unnecessary. Deleted: , he thought marriage was archaic. That all they needed was an understanding. She’d agreed Commented [SF20]: Tense agreement. until she hadn’t, realizing she wanted something more. Her own parents had divorced when Deleted: didn’t she was young. She spent summers and holidays with both of them, but each had remarried and their spouses had kids. Suddenly, she went from being an only child to a stepchild with Deleted: . R Deleted: , s Commented [SF21]: This isn’t proofreading, but just... [5] siblings. Her only constant had been her grandmother before she’d died. Was it any wonder Commented [SF22]: Not proofreading; but which ... [6] Aria buried herself in books? Science could never hurt her. Science was based on fact, Deleted: things that could be proven. Numbers never lied, never disappointed. Deleted: Is Yet, it had no longer felt like enough. She wasn’t sure when that had happened, but it had. Maybe because she was twenty-five and spent way too much time with her mentor, Commented [SF23]: Too many “she’s” without ... [7] Commented [SF24]: Books can be on any subject; I’d ... [8] Deleted: she Susan, and saw firsthand what a real committed relationship was like. She and her husband Deleted: can had no kids, but they’d been married for thirty years and had sort of adopted Aria. Commented [SF25]: “It” as in “science”? Deleted: did Deleted: had Page 3: [1] Commented [SF9] Savannah Frierson 9/25/2016 8:49:00 AM I would make the noun/pronoun explicit and say, “Ledo figured they were…” because otherwise you have a shift in tense issue, since “Figures” is present tense and the narrative is past tense. Page 3: [2] Commented [SF10] Savannah Frierson 9/25/2016 8:54:00 AM Another note: This is the first time you use Ze’s full name. This should go the first time you mention Ze, because you cannot assume readers know who this is even if it’s part of a series. Page 5: [3] Commented [SF17] Savannah Frierson 9/25/2016 9:24:00 AM Not proofreading, but this needs clarity. I think you mean she wanted to say no, but the way this read is ambiguous. This could mean she wanted to marry him and couldn’t yet, or she’d wanted to say no and couldn’t yet. I’d just say, “she’d wanted to refuse” to add that clarity, thus eliminating the need for the reader to go further and clear up that ambiguity. Page 5: [4] Commented [SF18] Savannah Frierson 9/25/2016 9:30:00 AM I’m not sure what’s trying to be said here. Is it, “It wouldn’t have been unheard of” or “it would’ve been unheard of”? Also, there is an independent clause splitting up another sentence. It’s confusing. I think what’s trying to be said is this. “It wouldn’t have been unheard of for both of them to have been on the same team. Everyone in the department knew they were dating.” (Not “they’d been dating”; this implies there’s been a change in relationship status, and the revelation above doesn’t say they are no longer together despite Aria’s misgivings.) Page 5: [5] Commented [SF21] Savannah Frierson 9/25/2016 9:40:00 AM This isn’t proofreading, but just because her parents remarried, doesn’t mean she still couldn’t have been an only stepchild; she’d be her parents’ spouses’ stepchild. This addition clarifies she now has siblings via her stepparents. Page 5: [6] Commented [SF22] Savannah Frierson 9/25/2016 9:42:00 AM Not proofreading; but which grandmother? Paternal/maternal? Page 5: [7] Commented [SF23] Savannah Frierson 9/25/2016 9:28:00 AM Savannah Frierson 9/25/2016 9:43:00 AM Too many “she’s” without antecedents. Page 5: [8] Commented [SF24] Books can be on any subject; I’d say “science” or “books, especially science books.”