Ronda Herold

I title this article “When She’s Upset, No Space” because many times she may want her space. It depends on what she has told you before about her needs and wants. In this article, I’m going to write from the perspective that she has previously declared she doesn’t want space, and actually, she wants quite the opposite. She desires your support and love with closeness. Does it matter why she’s upset? What if she’s upset with you? Perhaps it matters, but most likely unless she physically removes herself as far away from you as possible, she wants you there. She may even wish you to follow her a short distance (the next room for a comfy couch perhaps) to show her you are there for her. How should you respond? Reach out to her physically. Gently touch her in a nonsexual way. Possibly take her hand to lead her to a comfy couch. Maintain eye contact. Look with earnest. Nothing is more insincere than to touch someone with an opposite intent than the touch. Even if she is crying or her head is held low, look at her face. Your eyes of love and care will be there when she looks up. Let her be. Be there for her. Hold her close. Look into her eyes. But don’t force her to share if she doesn’t want to. Even if she is mad at you, you can both discuss it later. Show her you are there for her through the thick and thin. Listen. If she wants to share, listen. Don’t fight her or argue with her. After she has worked through her emotions you can have as long and in depth conversation as desired, but until then, just support her by listening (unless she asks you to do otherwise). Knowing what she wants can be complicated. Ask her if you don’t know or are confused. Some sure fire ways to lose her trust and love are by doing the opposite of what she asks. Whether it’s what you would want or not is inconsequential because it’s about her in this situation. If you are unable to show her the support she needs, what may happen? She will learn she is unable to trust you will be there for her when times aren’t easy. There are many sayings about knowing who your friends are when the going gets rough because it’s true. It’s easy to show love and support when you feel love and support. But if you don’t? Can you still show it then? She will learn her desires and needs are not important to you. If she has previously shared what she needs, and especially if she asks you for your support during a tough moment, and you don’t give it, she will quickly learn who you put higher on the totem pole. She will begin to question if she can trust you in general. Trust is something very quickly lost and to see it damaged in one area will lead her to question if it’s safe to trust in others. She will learn to keep her desires secret. If she can’t trust you to listen and follow her desires, she will learn it’s safer to not share them. This will build a wall around communication and openness with her and she will guard her heart more. She will learn she needs to look elsewhere for love and support. If she shares what she needs with you and you choose to ignore her, she will be forced to look elsewhere. At first it may be gossiping to other girlfriends, which sounds harmless, but is a tool built to undermine the relationship. Then she might turn to other non intimate relationships that are at first harmless but could grow more intimate because the other person/people are providing what you are not. The communication will begin to break down. If she was interested or needed to share her feelings with you, she probably will no longer. If she doesn’t feel safe and supported by your love, she will either bury her feelings deep inside (not healthy) or look to someone else to share them (not ideal). Being there physically for her may not be your style. You may be very uncomfortable or you may think it’s ridiculous. If she’s a grown woman she should be able to resolve her problems on her own like you do, right? Desiring physical closeness is not a declaration of weakness or incapability. Don’t mistake it for that. Also don’t be so selfish as to demand your own time and desires above hers when she asks for yours. Time flies. If you forget that every minute you have with her may be the last or it may be that you will sit without her one day far in the future and wish you had those moments back to be selfless and caring, be wise now. No, you may not have the option every time of every day, but when you do, use it. Be there for her without judging her. Listen to what she wants and do what she needs, not what is comfortable or convenient for you. Both of your lives will be a better place for it and she may help you grow far beyond what you thought possible. You might feel very uncomfortable in a situation of closeness such as one with a crying female. Relationships are two sided though and learning to stretch our comfort zone for the comfort of someone else is indispensable. It may not be easy at first, but the more you do it, the more comfortable it will become, even if it never becomes actually comfortable. The knowledge that she has and feels your love should spur your passion to continue in your pursuit to show her no space when she’s upset.