Rachel Lapidow

Prologue – Circa mid mid-1900’s Stumbling through the jungle in a rainstorm, Franco couldn’t believe he’d been shot. “Dannazione!” He cursed to himself in Italian as he took off his shirt and tied it around his shoulder to stop stanch the bleeding. He had barely managed to escape the men that who were chasing him for the past few days. Unfortunately, the heavy showers pelting down on him made it hard to ascertainknow how far away they were from him. “How did they discover what I was doing?” Franco wondered in disbelief, as he Commented [RL1]: Author, It may help the reader to dive into the story if they are given a more specific time frame. The 1930s is very different stylistically and historically to the 1950s even though the two time periods are only a couple of decades apart. If you were writing about the 1700s, most readers would likely not have enough of a frame of reference to wonder if you were writing about the 1730s or 1750s. Commented [RL2]: Author, This is a nice way to introduce Franco as an Italian. The curse also looks similar to the English for “damn” which makes it easier for the reader to get the gist of the word without having to translate it. When using words from another language, italicizing those words is helpful to readers. It gives readers an indication that the word or words are special. Formatted: Font: Italic came to a small river rushing by at a fast pace. He had done everything he couldpossible to keep his intentions a secret, so no one would discover what he was doing. If he could find a way to ford cross the river in front of him, he knew it wouldn’t be far to his friend’s home, who would be waiting for him according to their plans. Taking his the leather satchel off his back, he used his good arm to hold clasp it on top of his head in order to keep the precious objecttreasure inside safe. Struggling to keep his footing on the river bed, he began to wade across the water that was now moving at an overwhelmingly overpowering strong rate. “You must do it, Franco!” He told admonished himself, and took a deep breath. Midstream, His his face became submerged; went under water as he hit the current the middle part of the river that was growing deeper and faster by the minutesecond. With just only the very top of his head above the surface of the waterleft dry, he finally made it to the other sidebank. Stepping Clambering out of the river and entering the cover of trees, he jumped back at the sudden sound of screaming monkeys in the branches above him. He heard shots being fired from far away, presumablydoubtless by the men on the other side of the river bed. He chuckled inside at their choice to shoot blindly into the jungle rather than risk drowning in the rapidly flowing river. Commented [RL3]: Author, It may be helpful to change who here to he or she to avoid it looking like the home is waiting for Franco. Since I don’t know the gender of Franco’s friend, I didn’t want to make a change here without your input. Commented [RL4]: Author, If Franco told no one of his plan, how could his friend know to wait for him “according to their plan”? Perhaps you could say that Franco did his best to keep his plot from reaching non-friendly ears? Commented [RL5]: Author, The reader may be wondering how long is Franco holding his breath and how long it takes him to cross the river. You may want to consider changing minute to second or moment. How wide across is this section of the river? Some readers will be imagining the Mississippi while others will be conjuring a narrow river or stream. Commented [RL6]: Author, Since it has been pouring rain, Franco’s head was probably already wet before he got into the river. Commented [RL7]: Author, As John Hodgman frequently says, “specificity is the soul of narrative.” What does this jungle look like? What kind of monkeys are shouting at him? What dangers are Franco facing (aside from the obvious men with guns)? Commented [RL8]: Author, Readers might be a bit thrown by the fairly rapid change in Franco’s demeanor. We don’t know enough about Franco to know if he is chuckling in dark humor or from nervousness. It seems a bit strange that he is laughing at his pursuers. “I hope they’ve given up!” .” He said, nervously to himself, as he continued moving slowlyslogging through the harsh terrain. With each difficult step he took, though, he Franco realized that it was hehe would be the one who would have to give up. Eventually, the wall of vegetationundergrowth he had been struggling trudging through receded but now he had no strength left. As he collapsed from the loss of blood, his satchel opened up, spilling out its contents in front of him. He took his last breaths as he reached in vain for the intricately carved piece of Commented [RL9]: Author, Is Franco saying this out loud? Even with the rainfall and sound of bullets firing, I would think that he would be worried about one of the men hearing him. Commented [RL10]: Author, The transformation in Franco from hope to despair happens in a single sentence. The reader may be wondering what happened. Going into more detail about Franco’s suffering and growing weakness would help. Commented [RL11]: Author, Was the satchel still on his head? The last time it’s mentioned, it was being held on top of Franco’s head. wood that rolled across the ground just a few inches away from him. It was inscribed with a message that roughly translated roughly as: “You will become twice as poor as you were before. Do not worry. You will use the Bade Staff and emerge stronger than ever.” Formatted: Font: Italic Commented [RL12]: Author, Now I am wondering what the Bade Staff is, which is good, you want to end this prologue with the reader wondering about this artifact. But, I’m wondering if the wooden object is itself the Bade Staff. Considering that it fit in a satchel, I’m curious if this wood object is a kind of instruction manual. Commented [RL13]: Author, The first line of the message rhymes which seems very appropriate for a mysterious, treasured item. Extending the rhyming theme to the other two sentences could help to further this feeling. Formatted: Font: Italic Formatted: Font: Italic