Mark Staufer

AMSTERDAM A love story. Met ganzen. by Mark Staufer April 2021 Contact:- EXT. SQUARE - NIGHT A few SHOPPERS in and out of a MARQT store —— all rip their face-coverings off and take deep breaths when they exit. SUPER: AMSTERDAM, NETHERLANDS RECENTLY... A MAN in a full Hazmat suit exits, unzips the hood and lights a cigarette. We hear her before we see her, singing along to Gregory Alan Isakson’s wistful “Amsterdam” BICYCLIST (O.S.) “All inside our Amsterdam she hides watery-eyed, That howling wind, she's waving hi Her other hand's in mine...” The BICYCLIST pedals into frame, stops, takes out her earpods and addresses the camera: BICYCLIST (perfect, unaccented English) The following is a true story, or, as we say in Holland... (switches to very strong Dutch accent) The following is mostly bullshit. Ear-pods back in, she air-guitars the opening chords of Van Halen’s raucous “Amsterdam”: BICYCLIST “Got a pocket full of money, Got me a long night ahead! Quick stop by the Bulldog Score me some Panama Red, yeah...” Off she cycles, screaming: BICYCLIST “Oh, wham bam, oh Amsterdam (Yeah yeah yeah) Stone you like nothin' else can (Yeah yeah yeah).” A Canta swerves dangerously into the Square, barely misses Hazmat and Bicyclist. 1. Canta parks in the Dutch tradition (horribly) and, defying the laws of physics, an absolutely MASSIVE MAN and WOMAN get out and wander into a SHOP. Then we find BRUNO and BEATRIX (80s) on a bench. He’s trying to tie his shoelaces, she is concerned that he’s not coping with the simple task. Success with the laces! Bruno stands, fist pumps at his tying prowess and does a little victory jig. Despite his ancient years, he’s got Tik-Tok moves, this guy. Beatrix holds Bruno’s face in her palms and gazes deeply into his eyes. BEATRIX Ik ben zo trots op je, Bruno. They lean in for a congratulatory kiss. Two Handhavers round the corner into the Square: DIK VAN DER KOK (42, wiry, a man who irons his uniform and Brylcremes his hair way too often) and his partner FARRAH NAAKTGEBOREN (35, half-Persian, slight) stop in their tracks when they witness the tender moment between the Old Couple. Farrah momentarily flicks her eyes to the shiny new baton that Dik is expertly twirling. She smells danger. As the Old Couple’s kiss becomes more passionate, Dik and Farrah are entranced. For Farrah it’s romantic, for Dik it’s bamboozling that someone could love another person this much. And then, it’s as if magic occurs... There’s a beautiful multicolored explosion of pyrotechnics in the sky above the osculating Beatrix and Bruno. KAPOW! Are the Gods celebrating the love below in the square? No. No they’re not. It’s not the Gods. The fireworks are coming from inside the Square itself. Dik reacts angrily when he sees the shadowy silhouettes of TEENAGERS shooting off the fireworks at each other. DIK Fucking kids! Dik. FARRAH (warning) 2. DIK Dat is het probleem. We hebben deze tiener criminaliteit allemaal te lang genegeerd. WHOOSH! A skyrocket careers towards Bruno and Beatrix —— just as Beatrix bends to fix Bruno’s laces —— and THUD! The rocket strikes Bruno in the back of the head in a colorful shower of sparks. Down he goes like a bag of shoes, Beatrix screams, Handhaver Farrah races towards the Old Couple. FARRAH (to Dik) Bel een ambulance! But, Dik’s got other things on his mind. He holds his baton aloft —— Charge of the Light Brigade-style —— lets out a MIGHTY WAR CRY, and gallops towards the Teenagers. DIK STOP! HANDHAVING! Stop is exactly what the 10 or so Teens don’t do. Instead, they all launch skyrockets and crackers at the advancing enemy. WHOOSHWHOOSHWHOOSH! BANGBANGBANG!! The explosive slow-mo scene looks like Dik’s actually running through Stalingrad sometime in 1944. But he’s very handy with the baton and swats several of the rockets away baseball-style. All round the square the fireworks detonate in trees and buildings and bikes. The Teens then evanesce into the night Ninja-style. All except two. HARRISON KING (15, American, unshakeable self-belief) has experienced a weapon’s malfunction. Instead of striking its target (Dik), the skyrocket has hit the pavement and is now careening after Harrison, its bullseye is his butt. ARGHHHHHH! HARRISON Another kid — BAPTISTE COFFIN (15, French, Andre the Giant sized) — squeezes himself into a doorway and cowers in the darkness despite his unconquerable size. 3. Handhaver Dik is nearly on Harrison when the rogue skyrocket lets out one-last PFFT! and launches at the cop. With an eruption of sparks it hits Dik in the chest. Farrah looks up from attending Bruno: FARRAH DIK! As Harrison makes his escape, Dik dusts himself off and resumes his chase. DIK Hey! Stop! Je staat onder arrest! Dik nearly catches Harrison when they pass the doorway and Baptiste sticks a foot out and trips him. Dik goes sprawling and Harrison bolts towards the MARQT. When Baptiste rumbles out of the doorway and takes flight, Dik lands a couple of vicious blows with his baton. WHACK! WHACK! FARRAH (horrified) No! Dik! Stop! Baptiste has a blood nose, and despite his huge size, he begins crying like a baby. DIK Blijf waar je bent! Yes sir! BAPTISTE Dik wallops Baptiste to underline his commands. DO! NOT! DIK (THUNK!) (THUNK!) MOVE! (THUNK!) Beatrix and Farrah continue tending to a groaning Bruno. DIK! STOP! FARRAH Shaking with indignation Dik marches off toward the MARQT. 4. BEATRIX (to Farrah, re: Dik) Wat een lul. FARRAH Hij heeft zijn knuppel net, dus hij is een beetje enthousiast. INT. SUPERMARKET - CONTINUOUS We’re CLOSE-ON a certificate on the wall: MARQT SUPERMARKET OF THE YEAR 2020 Owner JORDY AKKERSDIJK (50) straightens it even though the certificate is not crooked. We get a glimpse of the supermarket — So pristine it could be on the front-cover of World Supermarket Weekly magazine. Which it actually was. In June, 2018. As Jordy goes to put the CLOSED sign in the door, Harrison comes barreling through and flees down the nearest aisle. JORDY Hey! We zijn gesloten! Je mag niet binnenkomen zonder masker! And then Dik barges in, looks around, stabs his baton into Jordy’s chest. DIK Waar is dat joch gebleven? The baton has left some of Baptiste’s blood on Jordy’s lovely white shirt. DIK Zorg dat ik niet naar binnen moet komen om je aan je nekvel naar buiten te slepen! HARRISON (O.S.) SORRY, I DON’T UNDERSTAND DUTCH! Jordy eyes the blood on his shirt with distaste. JORDY (to Dik) Ik stuur je de rekening van de stomerij. 5. Dik marches off into the first aisle... JORDY Ik ga de echte politie bellen. Dik pads along like a Ninja-samurai, baton at the ready. Suddenly, all the lights go out. DIK DOE ZE WEER AAN! JORDY (O.S.) HET IS EEN TIJDKLOK Dik peers around the dark interior. Unclips his flashlight from his belt. There’s a moment of hesitation because he’ll have to change hands and move his beloved baton over to his left. DIK WANNEER GAAN ZE WEER AAN? JORDY (O.S.) MORGENOCHTEND 5 UUR. Before he can turn his flashlight on, Dik is pelted with fish. Large and small come flying from out of the darkness, hitting him with sodden slaps. DIK Hey! Hey! Stop daarmee!! The final is a large mackerel that hits him directly in the gut. SCHLOP! Dik reels, and then slips and slides on the fishy linoleum. When he falls, his flashlight goes sliding off beneath the shelves. DIK Jij hebt echt een groot probleem, jongen! As Dik gets to his feet, a large octopus comes sailing through the air and vacuum seals onto his face. MMMMMFF! DIK Dik pries the cephalopod off with a squelch, then slithers down the aisle towards the source of the attack. DIK Kom hier, klein ettertje. 6. When Dik rounds the corner into another aisle, more missiles come flying at him. Cans thud, glass jars shatter, prepackaged meals splatter their contents... Dik’s face gets another direct hit: this time —— SPLOOSH! —— from a chocolate mousse cake. Klootz—! DIK Dik rounds the corner of another aisle. DIK Ik weet dat je hier bent, jongen. Silence. Dik then sees Harrison watching him through the shelves from the next aisle. The Kid’s grin suggests he’s enjoying himself. DIK LITTLE SHIT! Dik uses his baton to shelves as he pursues adjacent aisle. Glass cans of soda detonate foam... smash through the groceries on the Harrison who’s running along the jars smash, flour explodes, crushed and fizz, household products spew Dik rounds the corner in victory. The Kid’s gotta be here. But he isn’t — the aisle is a grocery graveyard. DIK Ik weet dat je hier bent, jongen. Dik skips that aisle and goes to the next. HARRISON (O.S.) (disembodied voice) Come find me, Hobby Bobby. CLOSE-ON a banana peel on the linoleum, and Dik’s approaching boots. Just as he’s about to stand on the peel, he stops himself, and picks it up. DIK (to himself) Leuk geprobeerd, mannetje. (and then) YOU REALLY THINK I’M GONNA——? That’s when the entire shelving system begins rocking. Dik dashes to get away from the ambush... Doesn’t quite make it. 7. KERRASH! The display shelves topple over and completely bury Dik in groceries. Afterwards, there’s utter, eerie stillness and silence for a few beats until Dik tunnels his way out. He spits out something powdery. PFFT! Dik’s completely covered in goo and muck, fish scales and chocolate mousse. It’s in his hair, his eyes and plastered all over his previously spotless uniform. DIK VAL DOOD, STUK SCHOREM! Dik finds his beloved baton and polishes it, until he feels it completes him once more. DIK Nu ben ik er klaar mee. Off he goes towards the produce section. Inevitably, he’s pummeled with fruit and veg. Even cumquats come his way. Mostly of the over-ripe variety which spatter on impact. Undeterred, Dik dives like an Olympian over the display cabinet and seizes Harrison. THWAKS him a couple times in the back of the head. HARRISON (squirming beneath him) GET OFF ME! DIK (Subt. Dutch) Aha! Je bent een Amerikaan... Natuurlijk! Fucking ex-pats! What? HARRISON DIK (sweetly) I said: Welcome to the Netherlands. When he raises his baton to clout Harrison again, that’s exactly when a large watermelon rolls off the shelf and embeds itself over Dik’s entire head. Harrison wriggles out from underneath and makes a dash for it. Dik flings a hand out and grabs his shirt. The shirt rips, but Harrison keeps struggling away. Finally, he’s tackled by a furious Dik. 8. Dik watermelon-head pins Harrison to the floor. The lights explode on. A large number of DSI SWAT FORCES stream into the supermarket. HARRISON (O.S.) HELP! HELP! They find Dik with his watermelon with the battered and bleeding Harrison facedown on the floor. Dik’s knee is in Harrison’s back through the ripped shirt, he holds the baton aloft, the other hand is violently twisting Harrison’s ear. HARRISON ARGHHH! Stop! Get off me! The Swat team surveys the interior of the supermarket. It truly looks like a bomb has gone off. A nuclear one. In unison, they look back at the bizarre scene on the floor. HARRISON He tried to molest me. DIK Wat!? Ik heb hem niet eens aangeraakt. SWAT GUY Je zit nu ook aan hem HARRISON He’s trying to abuse me again. Please. Save me. Frozen moment. SWAT GUY II Precies! Wat doe je met het oor van deze jongeman? EVERYONE would like to know because it kinda looked as though Dik was trying to pull the thing off. EXT. POLICE HQ - MORNING We hear her singing “Ship of Fools” before we see her: BICYCLIST (O.S.) “Oh, oh, ohhh, Save me, save me from tomorrow...” Our Cyclist goes pedaling through frame. 9. BICYCLIST “I don't want to sail with this ship of fools, no, no Oh! Save me, save me from tomorrow...” INT. POLICE OFFICE - CONTINUOUS The lift doors open and out steps the UNIT CHIEF (60, immaculately dressed, a mask like a dog lamp-shade, and a mask behind that, AND surgical gloves). He checks his nice gold cufflinks before moving through the open-plan office. His breathing sounds like Darth Vader. For the Chief’s EMPLOYEES it’s as if Darth Vader has actually arrived, and brought winter with him. All laughter and conversation die as Chief passes by. Everyone looks the other way, some shiver. When the Chief reaches his office door —— “CEDRIC DENEUKER, UNITCHEF” in LARGE gold lettering —— his SECRETARY passes him several files. SECRETARY Goedemorgen chef. CHIEF (muffled from masks re: files) Wat is dit? (subtitled as) MMMF-MMMF Sorry? SECRETARY CHIEF Ik zei —— WAT IS DIT? (subtitled as) MMMMF-MMMMF! SECRETARY (misunderstood) Goed, dank u chef. U weet hoeveel ik van hockey hou. (tapping file) Mocht u het zich afvragen, dit is het rapport van het Apocalyptische jeugd incident gisteravond in de supermarkt. Chief removes his internal face-covering. 10. CHIEF (handing file back) Pak dat ettertje maar flink aan. Laten we een voorbeeld stellen. SECRETARY Het is iets ingewikkelder geworden. Alyosius Ambrosius is beneden. Met de moeder van de jongen. (bad news) Ze eist een gesprek. (worse news) Now in a really shitty mood, Chief snatches the file back and enters his HUGE CORNER OFFICE Everything in its perfect place, walls covered in many photos of the Chief getting various awards. If there was such a thing as Police Chief Monthly magazine, it’d be on the cover. The Chief settles behind his desk, licks his fingers and creases his trousers and opens the file. CHIEF (into intercom) Ok, stuur ze naar boven. En een potje Matcha thee. SECRETARY (V.O.) (intercom) Wilt u de thee eerst? Of eerst Mr. Ambrosius en de moeder? The Chief stares at the intercom with loathing. SECRETARY (V.O.) (intercom) Ok, ik ga proberen om het beide te doen Chief tut-tuts his way through the file. CLOSE-ON FILE: Photos of the obliterated Marqt, Rembrandt-like still life shots of the octopus, the watermelon, various exploded food items, all arranged carefully as if for the Rijksmuseum walls. Handhaver Dik completely covered in crap gripping his baton, a cocky looking Harrison being led away from the scene. 11. Chief then gets up and looks out his window. He frowns at the large MEDIA CONTINGENT setting up outside HQ. CHIEF (under his breath) Aasgieren. Chief gets the fright of his life when he turns and finds two PEOPLE are now standing in his office. ARGH! CHIEF Ace lawyer ALOYSIUS AMBROSIUS (50, powerful, confident) extends his elbow for a bump. AMBROSIUS Je lijkt een beetje gespannen, Cedric. With him is Harrison’s mother LYDIA KING (40, fashionable businesswoman). The Chief reluctantly elbow-bumps Ambrosius. AMBROSIUS Dit is de moeder van Harrison King, Lydia King. We request this conversation be in English. De King’s wonen net in Amsterdam CHIEF Ze verspilden geen tijd om criminelen te worden (with a smile) Certainly, lovely to meet you Mrs. King. Please have a seat. LYDIA Where’s my son? (to Ambrosius) Ask him where Harrison is. CHIEF Waar hij moet zijn, in een cel. He’s safe, Mrs. King. Probably eating some broodpap for breakfast. Lydia hopes broodpap is better than it sounds. AMBROSIUS (explaining) The Dutch version of porridge. 12. CHIEF But better. Much Dutch better. And kids love it. LYDIA Cedric, where is my son Harrison? The Chief doesn’t like her calling him by his first name. His eye twitches. The Secretary enters with the Japanese tea on a tray. She’s made a nice display with a bonsai tree in the middle. She’s shaking as she puts it on the desk. The Secretary is very surprised at how nice the Chief is when he thanks her in English. CHIEF Thank you so very much, Mrs. Zeldenthuis. Close the door on the way out if you’d be so kind. (to Lydia) Matcha tea, Mrs. King? LYDIA Cedric, all I want is my son. CHIEF (pouring tea) Ambrosius, wil jij thee terwijl ik jouw cliënt uitleg dat haar kind Duivelsgebroed is? AMBROSIUS Yes, Harrison is a pleasant young man. But English, please Cedric. CHIEF Stel je voor dat ik zou verhuizen naar de Verenigde Staten en weigerde Engels te leren. AMBROSIUS Dan zou ik me voor kunnen stellen dat je nog eenzamer zou zijn. As the Chief pours tea like it’s a ceremony, Ambrosius removes a few pages from a large file and places them on the desk. CHIEF Wat voor onzin is dat allemaal? 13. AMBROSIUS Testimonials to Harrison’s character. From his Dutch Godparents... CHIEF Massa moordenaars? Maskerveelplegers? AMBROSIUS King Willem-Alexander, and Queen Máxima. Also, character references from the chairman of Dutch Shell, President of Heineken, and your boss, the Minister of Justice and Security—— Ambrosius then thunks the entire very thick file on the Chief’s desk. CHIEF Dit zijn waarschijnlijk zijn eerdere veroordelingen? The Chief chuckles at his little joke. Until: AMBROSIUS It’s the mass damages suit my clients and I are bringing against your department. The Chief goes to drink his tea, but the cup collides with his lamp-shade mask. The hot contents slosh onto his shirt. His face goes red, but he refuses to acknowledge the pain. AMBROSIUS With the addition of a suit now brought against your Handhaver Dik Van Der Kok. LYDIA Really? That’s his name? The Chief goes to the window to mop the tea off his shirt. CHIEF From what I understand Van Der Kok is an upstanding officer. A man with stiff moral fiber. AMBROSIUS I think your English may be a bit flaccid, Cedric. (reading from file) (MORE) 14. AMBROSIUS (CONT'D) Cruel and unusual ruthlessness during an arrest, attempted murder, assault with intent to sodomize a minor. Amongst others. As some Dutch consider these Handhavers are an “occupying force,” we’re also looking into United Nations War Crimes charges. In de rechtszaal zal dat een gezellig Neurenberg gevoel geven. Chief’s eye twitches even more when he sees how big the Media Contingent has grown outside. CHIEF So this is another one of your infamous shakedowns, is it? No doubt aided and abetted by all those fake news maggots down there dying to feed off the carcass of Amsterdam’s finest. AMBROSIUS They’re not fake. They’re very real, Cedric. Like all these complaints, very, very real. CHIEF Leuk geprobeerd. We gaan een voorbeeld stellen met deze nietsnut. ER ZAL GEEN BUITENLANDER MEER EEN GEWELDDADIGE ANARCHIE VEROORZAKEN IN MIJN STAD! Ik ga Amsterdam weer groot maken! Chief THUMPS his desk, the cups spill and the bonsai tree topples over into the trash. AMBROSIUS (all smiles, back to English) That’s lovely to hear, Cedric. Catchy little slogan, too. A confused Lydia King looks from the fuming Chief to the cheery Ambrosius, and back again. Several times. Eventually: 15. AMBROSIUS (to Lydia) The Chief has remarked that he’s a sensible man and that he’s well aware that yet another court case involving his officers would probably result in him being sent to Emmen to work in the zoo. (to Chief) Het apenverblijf, zonder twijfel (to Lydia) The Chief says rather than announce to the world media outside, this new suit of violence and malice against yet another child, we can now praise his decision to discipline the handhaver involved. And release Harrison forthwith. The Chief looks like he’s about to explode as Ambrosius shuttles Lydia towards the door. AMBROSIUS Lovely to see you again, Cedric. Maak Amsterdam weer groot! (elbow pump) CHIEF (smiling sweetly) Krijg de klere, raadsman. The Chief goes back to the window and glowers at the media circus below. He watches as Ambrosius and Lydia exit police HQ and approach the throng. Verdomme. CHIEF He reaches for his phone. EXT. POLICE HQ - CONTINUOUS Ambrosius faces the cameras and microphones. Even CNN and the BBC are here. AMBROSIUS Harrison King is yet another instance of wrongful arrest by a trigger-happy police department. (MORE) 16. AMBROSIUS (CONT'D) A courageous young man who tried to prevent a crazed Handhaver, drunk with power and possibly narcotics, from attacking an elderly couple and destroying a local shop. Harrison’s citizen’s arrest of this uniformed animal is a David and Gol—— He answers his ringing cellphone and listens. And then: AMBROSIUS (to Media) But, I’m happy to report that in this particular instance, the Unit Chief is doing the right thing. Ambrosius winks at Lydia, and gestures towards HQ. The cameras turn to the entrance as Harrison, on crutches with spectacular bruising and ripped clothing, exits. Lydia runs towards him. LYDIA (weeping) Harrison! HARRISON (pathetic) Is that you, Mommy? Harrison seems too weak to walk. He collapses onto the pavement as the news cameras surround him. Harrison! LYDIA Ambrosius beams a smile up to where he knows the Chief is watching. Gives him a elbow bump. INT. CHIEF’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS The Chief is indeed watching all this. CHIEF (yelling to Secretary) Stuur onmiddellijk die Dik van der Kok naar me toe! 17. EXT. STREET IN OUD ZUID - MORNING In front of one of those nice apartments on Valeriusstraat. There’s a sea of flower bouquets and candles outside the front door spilling onto the pavement. A DELIVERY GUY tries to squeeze another bunch of flowers amongst them. BICYCLIST (O.S.) (singing Burning Down the House) “Watch out, you might get what you're after, Cool babies, strange but not a stranger...” Our singing Bicyclist pedals through shot. WOOMPF! One of the candle flames sets the Delivery Guy’s flowers on fire. Shit! DELIVERY GUY BICYCLIST ”I'm an ordinary guy, Burning down the house...” Delivery Guy screams and runs away with the flaming floral torch. The front door opens and Lydia King ushers a gaggelen of REPORTERS and CAMERA CREW out. LYDIA Thanks for coming, y’all. REPORTER #1 You’ll let us know if there’s any change in Harrison’s condition. LYDIA I will, yes. REPORTER #2 You should be very proud, Mrs. King. That son of yours, he’s a national hero. CNN REPORTER Both here and back home in the States. Across the street NEIGHBORS unfurl a huge banner: ‘GET WELL SOON, HARRISON!!” Lydia waves and everyone applauds. 18. LYDIA Thank——. Dank je wel. I’ve brought him up to always do the right thing. REPORTER #2 You’ve certainly done an excellent job at parenting. REPORTER #3 You and your son should be given medals or something. REPORTER #4 Honorary Dutch citizenship! There’s more applause from the Journalists before they move off. Lydia is about to close the door when, DAISY (15, Dutch with neutral accent) arrives. DAISY Mrs. King? I’m Daisy from the school news channel. I wonder if I could have a quick interview with Harrison? Lydia seems unconvinced. DAISY Everyone at the Global Academy is just dying to know more about our resident hero. INT. HARRISON’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Down off a poster of WIM HOF balancing on one hand at the top of a cliff, Harrison is on his bed FaceTiming with Baptiste, the giant kid from the Square. Harrison has a black eye and a large bruise on his forehead, Baptiste looks even worse after his batoning from Dik Van Der Kok the night before. HARRISON You were there all night?! Just standing there in the square like a... What’s French for zombie? 19. BAPTISTE (French accent) Le zombi. The gendarme said to not move. HARRISON Jesus, Baptiste, if he’d told you to jump off a bridge into a damn canal, would you have done that? Baptiste’s expression suggests he very well may have. HARRISON I thought the Dutch were the rulefollowers and the French were all, y’know, revolutionaries and Mouvement des gilets jaunes, and shit. Knock at the door. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS It’s Lydia at the bedroom door with school reporter Daisy. LYDIA Do you feel well enough for another visitor, Little Man? HARRISON (O.S.) (meekly) I guess I can Wim Hof my way through the pain for a few minutes. LYDIA (to Daisy) As you can see, he’s learning Dutch so fast. Lydia opens the door to reveal Harrison, now acting crippled and broken in his bed. He moans in pain as he sits himself up. It’s—— Daisy. LYDIA DAISY LYDIA From your school newspaper—— 20. DAISY Online news hub. Harrison groans histrionically when he reaches out to elbowbump Daisy. LYDIA (very concerned) Careful, Pumpkin. Don’t over-exert yourself. (leaving) You keep up the Wim Hof, and call if you need anything. HARRISON (blowing kiss) Thanks, Mama. Harrison is struggling to hide his delight at being in the same room as the fragrant Daisy. For her part, Daisy smells a rat. EXT. POLICE HQ - SAME TIME Dik Van Der Kok exits the building. His sidekick Farrah falls in beside him as he skulks along the street. FARRAH En? Wat zei de chef? DIK Hij, hij—— (sobs) Ik heb de zak gekregen. Per direct! Dik completely falls apart. DIK En hij heeft mijn wapenstok afgepakt! As Dik howls in existential agony, Farrah tries to comfort him. We hear a very, very gloomy version of REM’s “Everybody Hurts” from our incoming... BICYCLIST (O.S.) “If you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on...” As Dik continues to weep, our Bicyclist glumly wheels her bike through shot. A bright-pink helium balloon with a smileyface floats from the back of the bike. 21. BICYCLIST “'Cause everybody cries Everybody hurts, sometimes...” Dik angrily punches the balloon and it goes soaring off into the sky. EXT. SKY - CONTINUOUS MUSIC OVER: We’re following the balloon as it floats over Amsterdam on this most beautiful of days. On the other side of it are the words “Follow me.” The balloon’s-eye view of the magnificent city, and EVERYONE we see is singing along to “Everybody Hurts.” ——through a window at POLICE HQ, the Chief stands lugubriously singing, when he tries to take a puff on his cigarette, he again hits his lamp-shade mask. Sparks. ——KIDS leap from a bridge into the HERENGRACHT, they keep singing and splashing even when a bunch of HANDHAVERS yell at them from the banks of the canal ——WALKERS and JOGGERS in VONDELPARK ——a MAN being towed by a car plays the song on a mini-grand piano ——a COUPLE make love in the Sunshine on a ROOF GARDEN, their version of the song is full of ecstatic moans ——Bruno and Beatrix from the opening scene, cycle along singing. Bruno has a large bandage on his head from the firework injury. ——the balloon floats past the HILTON HOTEL and, through a window, you would swear it was JOHN & YOKO singing in one of the beds with a peace sign above them ——a sea of sunflowers as a few TOURISTS socially-distance queue to get into the VAN GOGH MUSEUM. ——we dip into another CANAL and catch sight of something grisly: what appears to be a HUMAN EAR floating in the water ——along VALERIUSSTRAAT to the King APARTMENT and through the window we watch Daisy interviewing Harrison... Suddenly, POP! goes the balloon, and we are: 22. INT. HARRIS’S BEDROOM VIDEO VIEW ON DAISY’S CELLPHONE, Harrison answering a question. HARRISON I didn’t ever set out to be a hero. Last thing on my mind. I was just kinda in the right place at the right time, I spose. DAISY Wrong place and time surely? HARRISON I’ll survive. DAISY And, why were you there in the first place? In the square? HARRISON You’re beginning to sound a bit like a cop. DAISY Journalists ask questions. That’s kind of the point. HARRISON And what is your point? DAISY Just trying to establish motive. For the hero being where he was before the heroics. HARRISON Are you sure you’re not a cop? Daisy waits. The stand-off is long and uncomfortable. Finally... HARRISON My friends and I were there with the best of intentions. We’ve been alarmed at this street warfare between cops and kids. You know, fireworks, injuries, explosions. We’re just out there trying to calm things down, help with injuries, peace-keepers, that sort of thing. 23. Daisy can’t control herself —— lets out a most skeptical snort. DAISY Sorry. (subtitled Dutch) Ik heb nog nooit in mijn hele leven zoveel bullshit gehoord. HARRISON (guessing meaning) If you’re asking me if it’s dangerous work. Yes. Yes it is. As you can see from this Samaritan’s injuries. DAISY You know the school has free Dutch lessons, right? HARRISON Oh, ja. In fact, why don’t you and I go grab some... (TERRIBLE pronunciation) Pannenkoeken. There’s a great little place round the corner. Some what? DAISY HARRISON You know, pannenkoeken. Pancakes. DAISY Oh, pannenkoeken. HARRISON That’s what I said. DAISY I couldn’t possibly drag an injured hero from his deathbed. Doesn’t matter how “Wim Hof” he’s feeling. EXT. CANAL - EVENING That ear we saw earlier is being fished out of the water. The bank of the canal is crawling with FORENSICS and COPS, and the water is full of SCUBA DIVERS. There’s a few hissing, honking GEESE ambling around... 24. Detective HESTER HUIS (40, thoughtful, organized) and her partner Detective PIETER FIJNEOREN (40, a huge gentle bear of a man) are studying the ear in the sieve. HUIS Lijkt me te groot voor een kind, denk je niet, Detective Fijneoren. FIJNEOREN Kweet niet. Ik had enorme oren toen ik een kind was. Op school noemden ze me Dumbo. (off Huis’ reaction) Zoals de Vliegende Olifant. Omdat ik van die grote oren had. Fijneoren pulls his hair back to reveal truly massive, hairy and strangely shaped ears. Huis tries not to act shocked. HUIS Kinderen kunnen zo gemeen zijn. (calling) Roderick! Forensics chief RODERICK DER BLATT (60, grumpy, severe) scowls and joins them. DER BLATT Ik ben nogal druk, detective. Huis indicates the sieve. Der Blatt shines a flashlight and studies the ear intently for a very, very long while. DER BLATT Het is een oor. (off the Detectives’ reaction) Ik gok een menselijk oor. Der Blatt picks ear up with tweezers, places it first against one side of Fijnebuik’s head, and then the other. DER BLATT Ja. Zeer zeker een rechter oor. zijn eigenaar zou een soort auditieve tweezijdigheid moeten hebben. FIJNEOREN Bestaat dat? DER BLATT Geen idee. Waarschijnlijk niet. Of 25. HUIS Wat kun je ons nog meer vertellen? DER BLATT Waarom wil je altijd onmiddellijk antwoord? Zo in het veld? Dan krijg ik zin om zomaar iets te bedenken. HUIS Misschien omdat we haast hebben om degene te vinden die dit oor eraf gesneden heeft voordat hij nog een slachtoffer maakt? Goed punt. FIJNEOREN Der Blatt studies the ear closely. DER BLATT Hoe weet je eigenlijk dat er een dader en een slachtoffer is? HUIS Zeg je nu dat iemand zijn eigen oor afgesneden heeft? FIJNEOREN Bestaat dat? DER BLATT Vraag‘t van Gogh. FIJNEOREN Is hij niet dood? HUIS Het lijkt te groot om het oor te kunnen zijn van een jonge vrouw, denk je niet? DER BLATT Niet per definitie. Sommige jongelui hebben enorme oren. Er was een kind op school, veel veel jonger, die gigantische oren had, zijn bijnaam was Dumbo. Zoals de vliegende olifant. Fijneoren self-consciously pulls more hair over his ears. FIJNEOREN Kinderen kunnen zo gemeen zijn. 26. DER BLATT Misschien snijdt de zogenaamde Van Gogh moordenaar daarom wel hun oren af. FIJNEOREN Bestaat dat? Der Blatt holds the ear up to the light. Gives it a bit of a sniff. DER BLATT Zoals ik al zei, misschien bedenk ik wel iets. Ik laat jullie weten wat ik ontdek, nadat ik in het laboratorium enkele wetenschappelijk forensische testen heb gedaan. Suddenly, a Goose goes leaping through the air, grabs the ear and scoots away. HUIS What the fuck! The Detectives go running and diving after the agile goose who nimbly escapes into the water. FIJNEOREN (to Scuba Divers) De gans! Arresteer die gans! The Goose looks like he’s paddled safely away... But, a hand emerges from the water and grabs it around the neck. A SCUBA DIVER surfaces and he and the Goose fight aggressively over the ear. DER BLATT Dat had ik kunnen zien aankomen. FIJNEOREN Oor-etende ganzen? Bestaat dat? DER BLATT Geen idee. Maar ‘t zet je wel aan het denken. Hoeveel andere oren zitten in hoeveel andere ganzen? Huis looks around at the many Geese. Aw shit. HUIS The Diver-Goose melee continues in the canal. Until: 27. DIVER Hij heeft het opgegeten!! Hij heeft het oor-bewijs opgegeten, fuck!! FIJNEOREN Steek je vingers in zijn keel! Everyone groans and looks away as we hear the Diver doing exactly that. All except Der Blatt who watches in fascination. DER BLATT (re: horrifying gagging sound) Daarom zijn er geen ganzen met boulimia. INT. KING APARTMENT / DINING ROOM - NIGHT Lydia and Harrison are “having dinner”. Their plates are ignored while they’re both on their phones. CLOSE-ON Lydia’s phone: she’s swiping on Bumble. No-one she fancies. CLOSE-ON Harrison’s phone: he’s Googling Daisy. Various search results: ——Daisy receiving an award for something, but it’s in Dutch. Harrison switches on Google Translate... ——the award’s “School Journalist of the Year.” Fifth year in a row for over-achieving Daisy. ——Daisy holding an appreciative GOOSE: “School Girl Saves Goose in Bear trap.” ——A VIDEO of Daisy showing her fierce skills in an AIKIDO BOUT and winning the “Dutch Junior Women’s Title.” Harrison’s interrupted by an INCOMING FT CALL from “ALICE” Her avatar is a crown. LYDIA (re: phone ringing) Who’s that? Nobody. HARRISON 28. LYDIA If it’s Princess A., you better thank her for those glowing testimonials from her mom and dad. If it wasn’t for them, you’d still be in that awful prison eating Dutch gruel. HARRISON (mystified) What? Answer! LYDIA HARRISON OK, ok, ok. Jeeze. Harrison takes the VIDEO-CALL, ALICE (15, blonde, darkly-lit and lit) is slouching on the throne in the Ridderzaal. Hey, A. HI, ALICE! HARRISON LYDIA HARRISON My mom says hi. Alice takes a huge toke of the joint she’s smoking. ALICE Tell her, she can call me “Your High-ness.” Geddit? Alice completely pisses herself at the joke. Lydia crashes into the call beside Harrison. Alice, hi! LYDIA With remarkable poise, Alice becomes a perfect little Princess. ALICE Oh, hello Mrs. King. How lovely to see you. 29. LYDIA Could you please thank your mom and dad from me for helping Harrison out? Even though they’ve never met him. ALICE God forbid. Of course, it was our pleasure, Mrs. King. LYDIA Oh, your English is so good. ALICE Thank you. I try. HARRISON Mom, you gotta stop telling everyone their English is good. Why? LYDIA HARRISON Because everyone’s English is good. Harrison retreats with his phone... LYDIA (O.S.) (calling, Alice winces at the pronunciation) Well, goede nacht! Into the... BATHROOM And closes the door. HARRISON Seriously, she literally told this guy in Albert Heijn the same thing the other day. He was from New Zealand. ALICE (another big toke) Want some, Harri. Alice offers the joint to the camera, then rescinds. 30. ALICE Oh that’s right. Harrison doesn’t smoke, or drink because he doesn’t ever, ever, EVER want to lose control. HARRISON I need a favor. ALICE (mock surprise) Really? Now that’s a shock. HARRISON Pretty please. ALICE You know the price for another favor from Huis van Oranje-Nassau, and Prince Pils. HARRISON (reluctant) Jesus, A. You’re asking the impossible. You think I can work miracles, or something? ALICE You seem to have just worked another one. HARRISON True enough. OK, I’ll come up with something for your—— ALICE ——Nightmare. Swear on the sepulchers of your dead ancestors. A bit weird, but Harrison agrees. I swear. On... HARRISON ALICE HARRISON On the sepulchers of my, etcetera. Okay, that Daisy girl from the school news hub. ALICE Daisy? One of my best friends. 31. Who isn’t? You. HARRISON ALICE (sad, pouting) EXT. AMSTERDAM SUBURBAN STREET - NIGHT Just your average house. Except for its very neat Japanese garden with cat topiaries. And here comes our Bicyclist, singing “Vincent” by Don McLean. BICYCLIST (O.S.) “Starry, starry night, Paint your palette blue and gray...” She stops in front of the house to serenade... BICYCLIST “Look out on a summer's day, With eyes that know the darkness in my soul.” INT. DINING ROOM OF HOUSE - CONTINUOUS SINGING from OUTSIDE OVER: It’s a POV shot from SOMEONE as they place a meal on a table. And then a bowl of cat food at the next setting. A CAT immediately jumps up and sits beside her plate. The cat is wearing a face mask. A hand comes out, removes the mask and pets the cat who begins to purr loudly. CHIEF Hollandse schnitzel voor ons vanavond, Melania. Miauw. MELANIA Chief’s POV seats himself, hands come out in prayer. CHIEF Oh Heer, zegen mijn dochter, onze Koning en Koningin, en Melania. (hand reaches out and strokes cat) (MORE) 32. CHIEF (CONT'D) En geef mij de kracht om de rechtvaardige strijd voort te zetten om Amsterdam weer groot te maken. Amen. Miauw. MELANIA Melania the cat begins to eat, hand comes into shot and remotes on the TV. Up comes a shot of Harrison King. NEWS ANCHOR (on TV) The fifteen-year-old, who’s being hailed as a hero in many quarters... Hissssss! MELANIA Channel is changed, and in the foreground food is being fastidiously cut up and separated into bite-sized morsels. On TV: REPORTER #1 (outside HARRISON’S HOUSE) As you can see from these heartfelt offerings left for young champion Harrison King, this latest example of unwelcome Handhaver over-reach—— Channel change, POV also sees the cat now watching the TV and looking back and forth at the Chief with concern. On the TV, it’s an NTR STUDIO ROUND TABLE conversation: WILLEM ENGEL ...wat we nu zien is dat Nederlanders eindelijk opstaan tegen deze autoritaire onaantastbaarheid. Ze hebben genoeg van maskers, avondklokken, niet naar de kapper kunnen gaan, en van die verdomde handhavers. YOUP VAN HET HEK It’s just a pity it took an American to do it! Another channel: 33. DUTCH NEWS ANCHOR Het laatste nieuws... (a graphic of an ear on screen) ...volgens goed ingelichte bronnen heeft de zogenaamde Van Gogh moordenaar weer toegeslagen... CLOSE-ON the Chief intensely watching TV: DUTCH NEWS ANCHOR Voor de zesde keer in evenveel maanden is er een menselijk oor gevonden van de—— Chief smiles grimly, and remotes the television off. CHIEF (to cat) Misschien pakken ze hem deze keer. Wat denk jij Melania? Miauw. MELANIA CHIEF Nee, ik denk het ook niet. Chief meticulously places food on his fork and brings it to his mouth. He’s forgotten about his lamp-shade once more. The food spatters everywhere. As the Chief’s eye twitches uncontrollably, we catch sight of a framed print on the wall behind him... It’s Van Gogh’s “Self-Portrait with Bandaged Ear.” BICYCLIST (O.S.) “Now, I understand what you tried to say to me And how you suffered for your sanity...” Miauw. MELANIA (O.S.) EXT. CANAL BRIDGE - MORNING Geese graze by the canal... 34. It’s a news conference near where the ear was discovered. The Chief is addressing the throng of MEDIA. Beside him are Detectives Huis and Fijneoren, and Forensics chief Der Blatt. The Chief begins in Dutch, but notices the BBC, and switches to English. CHIEF (to Throng) ...the ear was recovered from the canal two days ago. REPORTER #1 What sort of ear is it? Chief: WTF? Huis leans into the microphone and saves him. HUIS It was, is, the ear of a human being. Der Blatt points to the Fijneorwen’s hidden left ear. DER BLATT From this side of the head. CHIEF The organ is large, but, after forensics examination—— Der Blatt leans forward into the microphone. DER BLATT In a laboratory with state-of-theart microscopes and suchlike. (hamming American-English) Very CSI Miami. (Reporters chuckle) Have a nice day. The Media loves it. Before the Chief can take the mike back: FIJNEOREN (leaning in) And, despite the fact, the ear itself was, is, very large, even for a normal adult... Chief elbows him aside. CHIEF Dank U Detective Fijneoren. Conclusion is that the ear belonged—— 35. Huis leans forward and whispers something in Chief’s ear. CHIEF Or rather, so we’re not jumping to pessimistic conclusions, that the ear belongs in the present tense, to a fourteen-year-old female girl. REPORTER #1 Chief? Does that mean that the now ear-less victim was—— Is—— CHIEF (correcting) REPORTER #1 ——Because the ear is so big, does that mean that the victim is a giant of some sort? REPORTER #2 Or maybe has a giant-sized head? Chief and the other cops are speechless. Der Blatt eventually saves the situation. DER BLATT It’s called microcephaly. But, no. Our latest victim simply has larger than usual ears. FIJNEOREN It happens. Get over it. REPORTER #2 Do you mean like Spock ears? FIJNEOREN Enough about the ears! Let’s move on already. (to Himself) Journalisten kunnen zo gemeen zijn. CHIEF Thank you, Detective. At this juncture, we’re working on the theory that this victim fits the M.O. of the so-called Van Gogh killer. There’s a general hubbub from the Media. 36. DER BLATT And let me tell you, forensics was incredibly problematic on account of the ear being partly digested. The Reporters are taken aback... HUIS (mouthing to herself) Aw shit. REPORTER #1 Did someone eat the ear? REPORTER #2 Is the Van Gogh killer a cannibal? The Media is VERY excited about the twist in the plot. FIJNEOREN How could a goose abduct someone and slice off their ear? Geese don’t even have ears! Goose? MEDIA AS ONE They follow Der Blatt and Fijneorwen’s guilty gazes to the canal bank. There lays the eviscerated ear-eating goose corpse. Aw shit. HUIS CHIEF (to Media, very rapidly) Well, thanks very much for coming. Always nice to see the ladies and gentlemen of the Fourth Estate. There’s an explosion of questions from the Media as the Chief backs away, and falls backwards off the small podium. EXT. BUSY STREET - MORNING It’s the GLOBAL ACADEMY school. Harrison stands out front watching a very nervous Baptiste, on the other side, trying to cross the busy road. HARRISON Come on, Baptiste. You can do it! Baptiste takes a tentative foot off the pavement. 37. BAPTISTE POV: a hellacious Dutch obstacle-course of bikes, Cantas, trams, buses, trucks, cars and the occasional COP ON A HORSE go whipping (galloping) by at warp-speed. Baptiste retreats back to the footpath. BAPTISTE (terrified) I can’t. Harrison’s now been joined by several other STUDENTS. And, Princess Alice (stoned). HARRISON You’ll be fine, I promise! ALICE Come on, Frenchie! The other Students cheer Baptiste on, and he has another go at crossing. Passing traffic gets even more threatening and bizarre. A tank rumbles by, a huge truck driven by a SIX YEAR OLD GIRL. Baptiste retreats when he’s nearly run over by a Mad Max-type vehicle, with threatening post-apocalyptic MERCENARIES. MERCENARIES DIE! DIE! DIE! ALICE I can’t believe we have to go through this every morning. HARRISON Another reason why distancelearning is so much more chill. ALICE I’m hanging out with the lovely Daisy later. And now... Your side of the bargain. Alice holds up her iPad. Harrison reacts with horror at the photograph of a very ugly MAN (30s) in full military uniform. HARRISON Who the fuck’s that? ALICE That is Prince Harald of SchleswigHolstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg. My betrothed. 38. What? HARRISON ALICE He’s the man my parents are forcing me to marry. HARRISON No wonder you’re stoned all the time. You’re royalty. Is he like your cousin, or something? ALICE Second. This is why I need one of your marvelous plans, Harri. ADORING STUDENT #1 I think you better go and rescue your friend, Harrison. ADORING STUDENT #2 Can I buy you breakfast after? ADORING STUDENT #3 Do you need any homework done? ADORING STUDENT #2 When are you playing football again? Baptiste is now sitting on the sidewalk on the other side of the street, tears are running down his cheeks. HARRISON Aw shit. (calling) BAPTISTE? YOU OKAY? No response. Baptiste just keeps shivering and crying. Without towards Cantas, perfect even looking, Harrison sets off across the street him. The trams, the buses, the cars, the bikes, the they all miraculously part for him just at the moments. Alice and the Students CHEER when Harrison reaches Baptiste. HARRISON C’mon Baptiste. We’ll cross together. Baptiste has utter faith in his friend, and lumbers to his feet. 39. Harrison holds his hand and leads him out onto the busy street. A tram, a bus and two Cantas seem to be on a collision course with Harrison and Baptiste. We don’t see the crossing, we watch the STUDENTS REACTING IN AMAZEMENT as the two negotiate the murderous street. STUDENTS Oooooh! Ahhhh! At one point nearly Everyone closes their eyes as Harrison clearly executes a particularly dangerous maneuver out on the street. STUDENTS USA! USA! USA! Finally, Harrison and Baptiste arrive in front of the school to rapturous applause. Our Bicyclist is singing “Sympathy for the Devil...” BICYCLIST “Please allow me to introduce myself, I’m a man of wealth and taste...” Down the street a bit, we find Dik Van Der Kok staring at Harrison with a scowl on his face. DIK Geniet ervan, ettertje. Farrah, in uniform is with him, wishing she was anywhere else. DIK Kinderen zoals hij, rijke snotapen, krijgen alles op een presenteer blaadje. Daarom vervallen ze tot een leven vol misdaad. Als je nooit ergens voor hebt moeten werken, verspil je je energie aan duistere zaken. FARRAH Wat doen we hier Dik? Ik bedoel, moet je geen baan gaan zoeken? DIK Dit is mijn baan vanaf nu. Harrison and the rest of the Students stream into the school. 40. FARRAH Kinderen bespieden? Daar kun je voor gearresteerd worden Dik. DIK Niet alle kinderen. Alleen dat Duivelsgebroed daar. FARRAH En hoeveel betaalt het, dat Duivelsgebroed bespieden? DIK Hij gaat het verpesten, en ik ben erbij als hij dat doet. FARRAH Dus je beloning zal dan de hemel zijn? BICYCLIST (continuing song) “Pleased to meet you, Hope you guessed my name, yeah...” DIK / FARRAH Duivelsgebroed. EXT. POLICE HQ - DAY To establish. INT. BOARDROOM Detective Huis is giving an evidence presentation to a bunch of restive DETECTIVES and UNIFORMED COPS... HUIS Bedankt dat jullie er zijn. An OLD DETECTIVE is reading Privé with a photo of the disemboweled goose and the headline: PETA PROTESTS POLICE CRUELTY TO GEESE. HUIS In deel één behandelen we de feiten waar we zeker van zijn OLD DETECTIVE Wat als de ganzen op de een of andere manier medeplichtig zijn? 41. HUIS Zoals ik al zei, in deel één—— OLD DETECTIVE Wat als de Van Goghkiller een leger ganzen-minions getraind heeft? Weet je, om bewijs te vernietigen enzo? FIJNEOREN De vader van de vriend van mijn nichtje is pluimveehouder in Sluis. Voornamelijk emoes, maar hij zegt dat ganzen net zo intelligent zijn als honden... OLD DETECTIVE Precies! En, volgens deze krant, zijn sommige emoes paranormaal begaafd. There’s general pandemonium as everyone discusses. A frosty silence as the Chief enters the room. Darth Vader breathing. HUIS Hallo Chef. Ik leg net uit dat we ons in deel twee, dat na deel één komt wat het deel is met de feiten, bezig houden met theorieën, vermoedens en ingevingen. Everyone cheers, and then settles down for the boring bit: facts and evidence. Huis refers to the evidence board behind her with photos, maps, etc. HUIS Dit is onweerlegbaar bewijs. Zes slachtoffers in zes maanden. FIJNEOREN Dat is één slachtoffer per maand. HUIS In elke zaak werd eerst het oor gevonden, en precies een week later dook het lichaam van het slachtoffer op in een nabijgelegen gracht. Allen vrouwelijk, allen veertien of vijftien jaar oud, allen met een strafblad en in de steek gelaten door hun familie. We geloven dat het laatste oor van een andere jonge vrouw was, is. 42. FIJNEOREN Ook al is het gigantisch DER BLATT Dus we hebben ons gek ge-forensischd. There’s a smattering of applause, Der Blatt takes a bow. HUIS Goed gedaan Roderick. Ok, tot op heden zijn er geen meldingen van vermiste personen geweest die passen bij de omschrijving van de eigenaar van ons laatste oor. CHIEF Geen enkele aanwijzing? HUIS We zetten iedereen op deze zaak, Chef. En, vanzelfsprekend, als dit allemaal volgens het van Gogh patroon gaat vinden we binnen tweeënzeventig uur een lijk in het water. CHIEF Vermoedelijk werken we eraan om dit onvermijdelijke resultaat te voorkomen? OLD DETECTIVE Kunnen we nu overgaan naar deel twee? Huis and Chief exchange looks as the other Detectives let out a little cheer. Chief leaves. CHIEF Zet allemaal je masker op! They do, and then take them off immediately he leaves. Chief reappears, masks go back on. This happens several more times. Eventually, when the Chief has exited for good: LARGE NOSE DETECTIVE (to Huis) Mag ik iets vragen? 43. HUIS Natuurlijk, detective. LARGE NOSE DETECTIVE Het lijkt erop dat we lange dagen gaan maken Wanneer zal de automaat naast het herentoilet weer in gebruik zijn? Nearly Everyone wants to know the answer to that question. HUIS Ik ga er direct achteraan. Detective VAN DER DUIM is scruffy and much younger than everyone else. VAN DER DUIM (to Huis) Detective Huis, Mevrouw, ik heb misschien iets voor je. All eyes on Van Der Duim, Huis literally holds her breath in anticipation. VAN DER DUIM Ik heb een tussenpersoon die een soort opvang runt voor ontspoorde tieners in de Kolenkit. Een Australische vent, een Aussie, die daar vanuit de kerk werkt. Hij is overal van op de hoogte. En...? HUIS VAN DER DUIM Echt gerespecteerd door de kinderen voor wie hij zorgt. Ook al spreekt hij nauwelijks een woord Nederlands en zijn de kinderen allemaal het uitschot der aarde. OLD DETECTIVE Zijn tieners dat niet allemaal? General agreement. HUIS (to VAN DER DUIM) En? Denk je dat hij misschien een aanwijzing heeft in verband met ons laatste slachtoffer? 44. VAN DER DUIM Misschien, misschien niet. Hij was vroeger dierenarts voor vogels. Als er iemand is die een licht kan werpen op de link naar de ganzen, is hij our bloke. Huis collects her stuff. HUIS (to Van der Duim) Laten we gaan. Jij ook Detective Fijneoren. Iedereen weer aan het werk. We moeten dit meisje vinden. OLD DETECTIVE Ook al is ze een tiener die nog meer misdaden gaat plegen? EXT. GLOBAL SCHOOL - DAY It’s raining. Watching the front gate from beneath an umbrella is Dik. Alice and Daisy exit, and get on a TRAM Alice scans her card and it keeps getting rejected. Shit. ALICE DAISY (humorous whisper) Andere kant. Koninklijke Hoogheid. Alice swipes the other side. Seems very pleased with herself when the card works. All wide-eyed and looking around, she follows Daisy to a seat. DAISY Je moet meer aan geld gaan denken. Dat weet je he? Als je weigert je te verloven met Prins Dickwad en ze houden je toelage in, moet je zuiniger worden. Niet meer in Ubers het hele land door, geen luxe appartementen meer in de Jordaan en geen coffee-shop thuisbezorging meer. Maybe. ALICE 45. Maybe? DAISY ALICE Luister Daisy. Ik vind het niet erg om een normaal persoon te zijn. Dat is alles wat ik ooit heb gewild, echt. Maar er is misschien een manier om normaal te zijn. En om koninklijke voordelen te hebben Daisy looks skeptical, but intrigued. ALICE Maar genoeg over mij. Laten we het over jou en je secret admirer. Alice has Daisy’s undivided attention. EXT. GLOBAL SCHOOL SOCCER FIELD - DAY We’re following Harrison as he dribbles the ball like Robben past every player in the opposing team... On the sidelines, Baptiste and the CROWD are going wild. Especially the Adoring Students. Scoreboard: 1 - 1. Harrison shoots, the ball hits the cross-bar and goes sailing up into the sky... As it descends towards the goal area, it’s Harrison versus six members of the opposing team. Harrison leaps and executes a spectacular bicycle kick which whizzes past the GOALIE into the net. The Crowd invades the pitch, Harrison is hoisted onto shoulders. Watching it all with loathing is Dik... And that’s when Baptiste notices him. He takes a photo. On his phone, he forwards the photo with the comment: Creepy man constantly hanging around school, and watching the kids. EXT. STREET - DAY A very cross Daisy is walking with a pleading Alice. ALICE But, D, there’s a side to him—— 46. Daisy turns her attention to her incoming message. EXT. CHURCH - DAY What beautiful and intricate stained glass windows. Detectives Huis, Fijneoren and Van der Duim are getting off their bicycles. HUIS (to VAN DER DUIM) Je realiseert je dat je rare schoenen draagt, Detective van der Duim?. He is —— one’s black, one’s brown, completely different styles. VAN DER DUIM Ik heb ze gekregen. Het zijn afdankertjes. Gekregen van een vriend die op de Nieuwe Ooster. HUIS Nieuwe Ooster, de begraafplaats? VAN DER DUIM (taken aback) Hij werkt in het crematorium. Ik krijg al mijn kleren van hem. Huis and Fijneoren share a look. VAN DER DUIM We komen naakt ter wereld en verlaten deze wereld weer naakt. Fijneoren bends to tie his shoe-laces... FIJNEOREN Ik haal jullie zo in. He watches Van der Duim and Huis enter the church, looks back at the bikes. INT. CHURCH - MOMENTS LATER Fijneoren enters and roams the church admiring the avianthemed stained glass windows. He stops in front of a window with geese flying in the classic V-formation over Calvary with its three crosses. 47. Van der Duim and an increasingly impatient Huis question TREVOR WEST (30s, academic-looking, but very Australian). VAN DER DUIM G’day Trevor. Hope you’re having a bonza bottle of a day, matey potatey. West winces at the shitty attempt at Aussie. Hi. WEST VAN DER DUIM This is Detective—— HUIS I’m Hester Huis, pleased to meet you Mister West. WEST Please, call me Trevor. HUIS We wanted to talk to you about developments in this case of ours. WEST The Van Gogh. I was actually gonna contact you. I might have something. There’s a girl who—— Fijneoren interrupts from his stained glass window. FIJNEOREN Trevor? Why do geese always fly in that V-formation? WEST (acting it out) Bloody amazing actually. We’ve discovered that each goose flapping its wings in that V provides updraft for the bird behind it. So the entire flock can actually fly further together. FIJNEOREN Who taught them how to do that? WEST No-one taught them, they just—— 48. VAN DER DUIM I thought the collective noun for geese was gaggle. WEST On the ground. But in the sky—— HUIS Trevor. The girl? FIJNEOREN Some girl taught them how to fly like that? How did they hear her, geese don’t have ears. HUIS (to West) The one who you were going to contact us about. WEST Right. Russian girl. About fourteen, maybe fifteen. She turned up here about three months ago. Stayed every night in the dorm. And then vanished last week. Fijneoren is baffled by a window depicting a SAINT feeding grass to a gaggle of geese. FIJNEOREN Can’t remember this from the bible. WEST That’s Saint Gall. He’s the patron saint of geese. HUIS What was her name? WEST Saint Gall was a man. HUIS The Russian girl. FIJNEOREN (looking at Saint Gall’s beard) Nogal behaard voor een meisje. WEST She said her name was Nadia. Didn’t ask too many questions. (MORE) 49. WEST (CONT'D) Many of our kids have lived pretty awful lives. They don’t like too many questions. Fijneoren is completely freaked by a window depicting the Last Supper. But with Christ and a gaggle of geese apostles. FIJNEOREN (mouthing) What the fuck? VAN DER DUIM (to West) Did this Nadia have big ears? FIJNEOREN (to West, verging on losing it) How come the bible doesn’t mention that the disciples were geese? West isn’t sure which question is weirder. Um. WEST (to FIJNEOREN) Think of that more as a metaphor. Jesus and his “flock.” As far as the ears go, Nadia has long hair. It, you know, covers her ears. On Fijneoren, entranced by the Last Supper window. HUIS (O.S.) I don’t suppose you have a photo? FIJNEOREN Geweldig idee. He takes a photo of the window. West is scrolling through his phone. CLOSE-ON screen: many, many photos of the various Van Gogh self-portraits with bandaged head. WEST (to Huis) The kids really don’t like being photographed. And we respect that. But, it was my birthday last week, and everyone relaxed more than they usually do. 50. West hands his phone over. CLOSE-ON a photo of West with about eight TEENAGERS. All world-weary, their smiles alien and fleeting. WEST (O.S.) The one beside her is her best friend. Karl. Estonian kid. (finger points Karl out on screen) Nadia’s the one at the end. The girl with the sad eyes. CLOSER on NADIA whose eyes have indeed seen far too much pain for a 14-year-old... And then, no longer a photo: INT. ROOM Nadia sitting on a small cot, tears in her eyes, terror mounting. One half of her head is bandaged... There’s a TV on silent on the wall showing footage of the news conference on the bridge. POLICE HAVE NO LEADS IN VAN GOGH KILLER CASE. Nadia whimpers when she hears the sound of a key in the door. EXT. CHURCH - DAY Huis, Van Der Duim and Fijneorwen exit the church and approach their bikes. VAN DER DUIM (to Fijneoren) I’ve always been an ostrich fanboy myself—— FIJNEOREN Same! It’s those beautiful eyes. VAN DER DUIM Ja. Kon ik maar een meisje vinden met zulke ogen. FIJNEOREN Love at first sight, eh? The Men chuckle away, Huis changes the subject. 51. HUIS (to VAN DER DUIM) Ik wil dat jij terug gaat naar kantoor. Blijf scholen, kerken en jeugdcentra bellen. Fijneoren en ik gaan op zoek naar Nadia’s beste vriend... Shit! She’s referring to her bicycle. Not one, but two flat tires. Huis stares at Fijneoren who guiltily looks away. VAN DER DUIM Ze hebben in ieder geval je bel niet gestolen. Shall I call you an Uber? FIJNEOREN That won’t be necessary, Detective. Huis’ stare turns intensely accusatory. EXT. VONDELPARK - AFTERNOON Harrison and Alice bike along side by side... Alice is smoking a joint. ALICE I just don’t understand why you’re interested in her... Then we see that huge Baptiste is squeezed into the bakfiets on Harrison’s bike. He’s flipping through his phone. BAPTISTE It’s the eternal circle of teen angst. He’s interested in her because she’s not interested in him. She’s not interested in him because he’s interested in her. (to Alice) Similaire à la situation avec lui. Alice kinda mortified. HARRISON How do you know all that? Which bit? BAPTISTE HARRISON How can you tell Daisy’s not interested in me? 52. We get glimpses of Dik Van Der Kok tailing them on a bike. He’s not the most confident bicyclist. BAPTISTE Pretty obvious from that news story she did about the supermarket “incident”. What’d she call you? A fake hero? ALICE False. A false hero. And, “another lazy, spineless ex-pat spoilt brat.” HARRISON She’s a poet, as well. (to Alice) What’d she say when you talked to her? ALICE It’s not a completely lost cause. INT. TRAM - FLASHBACK - DAY Alice’s POV as Daisy reacts in shock. DAISY That Harrison jerk? Daisy sticks her finger down her throat and looks as though she’s going to throw-up BACK TO SCENE HARRISON What do you mean? It’s not a lost cause? TRAM FLASHBACK Alice’s POV, OTHERS on the Tram reacting to Daisy’s outburst: DAISY He’s no hero! He’s a liar! He gets everything he wants from mommy! Never did anything for anyone else unless he benefitted! And, he’s lazy. Can’t speak a word of Dutch! Typical fucking ex-pat! (MORE) 53. DAISY (CONT'D) I’m embarrassed to be the object of his affection! The other PASSENGERS give her a round of applause. BACK TO SCENE ALICE I think I can definitely work on her. You’ll need to make improvements. In the b.g. Dik nearly collides with several other BICYCLISTS. HARRISON Improvements? BAPTISTE (French, sarcastic) But how could I improve perfection? ALICE For a start, you could improve yourself by learning Dutch. HARRISON How hard can that be? BAPTISTE Have you seen Dutch? HARRISON I have a propensity for languages. BAPTISTE (in Dutch) That’s why you only speak one. What? HARRISON BAPTISTE Exactement. ALICE (to Baptiste, in French) But, now he’s got motivation. It’s actually very romantic. 54. BAPTISTE (in exaggerated Dutch) Zelfs liefdesbrieven klinken in Dutch als een oorlogsverklaring. ALICE We prefer “declarations of neutrality”. And, French isn’t always so beautiful. (exaggerated pronunciation) Accueil, Mille Feuille, Grenouille, trouillard, fanchouillard, camembert... BAPTISTE Geitenkaas, Scheveningen, grijze duif, sneeuwuil, schroevendraaier, schoenveter! Harrison isn’t really listening to the ugly word back-andforth contest because he’s watching an approaching cyclist with a bakfiet PILED HIGH WITH ICE. ALICE Crotte de bique, mignardises, vieille truie... ...It’s WIM HOF, and he nearly collides with Dik... BAPTISTE strijkbout - neushoorn voorrangsweg ! ...Dik hits a tree... ALICE Saint nectaire, crotin, fripouille, faciès! Harrison screeches to a halt. BAPTISTE Schoonspringer! Grotèsque. ALICE BAPTISTE Oui, it is! HARRISON Did anyone see who that was? 55. BAPTISTE Wim Hof? (to Alice) Hij ziet constant Wim Hof door de hele stad. Zelfs als niemand anders hem ooit ziet. ALICE (to Harrison) So, I’ll work on Daisy. You work on my situation with the Handsome Prince. (cycling off, in Dutch) En leer Nederlands! HARRISON (to Baptiste) What she say? EXT. PARK - CONTINUOUS Dik picks himself up and inspects his bike. Bad news. The front wheel is severely buckled. Shit! DIK He watches as Harrison cycles into the distance. Dik has no choice but to continue following. His bike makes the most Pterodactyl-like SCREECHING noise. EVERYONE in Vondelpark holds their ears when he cycles past. BABIES cry, DOGS whimper, KIDS scream and jump into the canal to escape the cacophony. EXT. POLICE HQ - AFTERNOON We’re in the middle of a boisterous PETA demonstration. PROTESTORS in goose-suits carry placards: HONK IF YOU LOVE GEESE! PROTESTORS (chanting) SAVE THE GEESE! RED DE GANZEN! When the Chief begins heading towards the entrance. As it always does, everything goes silent and icy-still. Chief makes his way through the glaring Protestors. As usual, many shiver as he passes. 56. CHIEF Iedereen moet mondkapjes op! En op zijn minst anderhalve meter afstand houden! The Protestors ERUPT and begin pelting the Chief with eggs. PROTESTORS SAVE THE GEESE! RED DE GANZEN! By the time he gets to the revolving door, the Chief resembles an omelette. INT. POLICE HQ RECEPTION - CONTINUOUS Chief tries to then exit the door into the building, but doesn’t jump out in time... He once more circles out to the Protestors who pelt him with more eggs. Our Bicyclist sings Spandau Ballet’s “Round and Round” as the Chief keeps spinning in and out in the circular door. BICYCLIST “Round and round it goes, and oh, don’t you know, this is the game that we came here for, Round and round...” Round he goes again, more eggs, more chanting, as our Bicyclist cycles away... She’s whistling something, but we can’t quite hear over the chanting. PROTESTORS SAVE THE GEESE! RED DE GANZEN! EXT. VARIOUS STREETS - AFTERNOON Here she comes, and now we can hear... Our Bicyclist is whistling the theme from “Turks Fruit”... It’s a recreation of the famous bike scene, complete with Van Otterloo’s whistling soundtrack. Instead of Rutger and Monique, we’ve got Fijneoren and Huis. Fijneoren drives his bike like Rutger, whizzing dangerously through traffic. Huis is quietly freaking out. Especially when he cuts in front of a Tesla. 57. TESLA DRIVER Aan de kant, Idioot! The Tesla loses control and nearly smashes into a billboard: An eviscerated goose lays on an operating table with a human ear visible amongst its guts. Surrounding the goose are caricatures of the Chief, Huis and FIJNEOREN grinning fiendishly with bloodied surgical gloves. “NO MORE GOLDEN EGGS, JUST... EARS.” Inevitably, FIJNEOREN loses control and they go flying through the front door of DIRK DIABLO’S STUNT-DOUBLE ACADEMY The sign reads: “IN NO TIME, LEARN HOW TO PERFORM DAREDEVIL STUNTS ON STAGE AND SCREEN!” Several long beats until there’s an explosion inside the store... A STUNT MAN who’s clearly supposed to be doubling for Fijneoren comes bursting from the shop. He’s thin and has much padding and only vaguely resembles the Detective. And, he’s on fire. The Stunt Man runs close by camera and then there’s the loud sound of a fire extinguisher at work on him. There’s a long pause: Action? FEMALE VOICE Huis’ STUNT DOUBLE is even less believable. She’s a man, for a start. Wearing the same dress and an ill-fitting wig, the Stunt Double comes crashing through the shop window in a hail of gunfire... The bloodied Stunt Double gets to his feet (wig askew), staggers towards Us, and, in slo-mo, is consumed by a hail of gunfire. Then, in spectacularly over-the-top style, goes into a very long death scene. Finally, they collapse to the pavement. After a few beats, the real Fijneoren and Huis peek from out of the shop. CUT! FEMALE VOICE Stunt Double gets up and dusts himself off. 58. INT. KING APARTMENT / DINING ROOM - NIGHT Baptiste and Harrison at computers. Baptiste researching the creepy Prince, Harrison gazing at photos of Daisy. BAPTISTE This Prince of Alice’s reminds me of someone. (no reply) Merde. Harrison?! What? HARRISON Baptiste turns the computer screen to Harrison. BAPTISTE Does Prince Harald of SchleswigHolstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg remind you of anyone you know? Harrison looks at the various photos of the grotesque Prince. He’s older, has less hair, a nasty scar and a collapsed face, but there’s no mistaking the resemblance to Harrison. HARRISON (re: photos) He’s the ugliest man in the world. BAPTISTE It’s a thin line between beauty and beast. Smile. Baptiste holds his phone up to take a photo of Harrison. Gives him posing instructions. BAPTISTE No. Actually don’t smile, grimace. Get your hair off. Try to look bald. HARRISON How the hell do I do that? Baptiste licks his palm and flattens Harrison’s hair back. HARRISON Jesus, Bap. What the h—— BAPTISTE (looking at image on phone) Hold on. 59. Baptiste turns some lights off, back to screen where we watch Harrison following his instructions. BAPTISTE Better. Present your chin more and tilt your head back. Good. Grimace. That’s a smile, Harri. Droop your tongue out a bit and act like you’ve had a stroke. Just on one side of your face. Roll your eyes back in their sockets. Slobber. Tres bien. As he takes the photo, Harrison’s mother pokes her head through the door. She’s staring at her phone, and doesn’t even notice Harrison’s misshapen facial expression. LYDIA What would you boys like for dinner? Sushi? Indian? Kosovan? Harrison is frozen with that weird expression, even his speech is now affected. HARRISON Burgersh. Can we have burgersh? LYDIA From Cannibale Royale? YESH! HARRISON Oui! BAPTISTE She leaves, Harrison maintains the grotesque expression, actually starts drooling. Baptiste gets to work on his laptop. Harri? Uh-huh. BAPTISTE HARRISON BAPTISTE I’ve got the photo. You can, y’know, change back. Harrison relaxes his face, gives it a bit of a massage. HARRISON What the hell was that all about? BAPTISTE It was about this. 60. Baptiste turns the screen towards Harrison. He’s photoshopped the image of Harrison some, but beside the Prince, they’re almost identical. Harrison finally sees it. HARRISON That’s really depressing. Really, really depressing. I might kill myself. So what? BAPTISTE Your friend Alice needs your help. (off Harrison’s reaction) Look at it this way: Alice is not going to assist you one hundred percent, unless you help her one hundred percent. Now, you need one of your crazy plans. EXT. DE WALLEN - NIGHT Our Bicyclist travels through the red light district singing “Waiting for the Man” by the Velvet Underground. BICYCLIST “Here he comes, he's all dressed in black, Real shoes and a big straw hat, He's never early, he's always late...” We pause in front of a window where a PROSTITUTE wears a mask on her face (”Say No Evil”), and one on each of her breasts (“See No Evil”), and one covering down below (“Feel No Evil”). Huis and Fijneoren are in a doorway watching some sort of transaction going down between a TEEN and an OLDER GENT. Huis checks her phone. It’s the photo of Trevor West and the group of Teens. HUIS Dat is ‘m. Dat is Karl. BICYCLIST (through shot) “First thing you learn is that you always gotta wait... I'm waiting for my man.” KARL (15) pockets some cash and follows the Older Gent. As they pass, Fijneoren grabs Karl and drags him into the doorway. 61. KARL (Eastern European accent) WHAT THE FRANKIE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD?! HUIS Karl Kuusick? Don’t be afraid. FIJNEOREN We were both teenagers once. KARL What are you now? HUIS We’re police. FIJNEOREN Grown-up detectives. Karl’s “client” has a nervous melt-down. OLDER GENT (stream of consciousness) Politie? Oh shit!! Luister, hij zei me dat hij vijfendertig was en me mee zou nemen voor een fietstocht over het mooie Nederlandse platteland Ik wil alleen maar molens zien. Molens en tulpen en dijken. Lots of lovely naked dikes. There’s a long awkward silence. OLDER GENT (begging) Please, please.. zeg niets tegen mijn vrouw. En tegen mijn parochianen. HUIS Ok, Wegwezen. OLDER GENT Mag ik dan tenminste mijn geld terug? Om in de kerkzak te doen? FUCK OFF! FIJNEOREN The Older Gent scuttles away. Huis and Fijneoren turn their attention to Karl. 62. HUIS Hello, Karl. KARL What do you want? FIJNEOREN Where is she? KARL Where is who? FIJNEOREN Your girlfriend. KARL Girlfriend? I don’t have a girlfriend. (off the Cops’ skeptical reaction) I’m gay. FIJNEOREN You’re... gay? KARL So that’s illegal now? Along with hugging and pedicures? FIJNEOREN No, it’s just such a momentous lifedecision for someone of such a young age. KARL (laughing) How old were you when you knew you were straight? Huis is also interested in hearing Fijneorwen’s response. FIJNEOREN When I was growing up not many people had caught the gay. Back then, there were exactly the same number of boys as girls. These days, I know this first-hand, there aren’t enough females to go around. With Karl speechless, Huis jumps in. HUIS When was the last time you saw Nadia? 63. KARL None of your business. HUIS She’s missing. FIJNEOREN Some of us experimented at school. But we certainly didn’t enjoy it. I didn’t. It was never a thing. Karl’s beginning to think he’s been waylaid by crazy people. KARL I haven’t heard from Nadia since last Friday. HUIS Is that unusual? KARL Not particularly. She’s a free spirit, if you know what I mean. HUIS Do you have a number? KARL She doesn’t have a mobile phone. FIJNEOREN And look, Karl, the occasional samesex encounter when you’re in your teens and early twenties hardly makes you know with certainty that you’ve got the gay. Permanently. HUIS Tell me about the last time you saw Nadia. FIJNEOREN I’ve never met her before. Huis means Karl. KARL We were at the Mission. Just hanging. She’s decided she wants to go back to Murmansk. FIJNEOREN Murmansk? Bestaat dat? 64. Why? HUIS KARL To try and find her mother. Nadia has this thing about some loving reunion with her mom. I told her, it was never gonna happen. The woman traded her for smack when she was ten. FIJNEOREN That’s very young to be hitting people. Bestaat dat? HUIS (to FIJNEOREN) I think he means heroin. FIJNEOREN Hardly a heroine if she’s smacking people. At such a tender age. KARL Nadia never hurt anyone. She never would. FIJNEOREN Now you’re changing your story. Maybe you need to also rethink the whole “being gay” situation, as well. Just saying. HUIS (to Karl) So you think she’s gone back to Russia? KARL Who knows. Might have got enough money for a train ticket from the... (clams up) HUIS From the what? Karl, this is really important. KARL She had a kind of benefactor. This older guy who’d taken a shine to her. He’d call and she’d go and work for him for a night or two. 65. HUIS What sort of work? Karl shrugs. FIJNEOREN (triumphant) Call her on what? You said she didn’t have a phone. Fijneoren holds his hand out. FIJNEOREN Hand it over. Karl looks down the street in surprise. KARL (pretending he’s seen her) Nadia? When the Cops look at the empty street... Karl flees. FIJNEOREN STOP! (to Huis) You get Nadia, I’ll catch him. Fijneoren gives chase. Karl’s young, fit and fast, the Detective is none of those things. Within a few meters, Fijneoren looks like he’s suffering an asthma-heart-attack combo and sinks to his knees, gasping for air. Up ahead, our two elderly friends Bruno and Beatrix are sitting on a bench. Bruno’s working on his laces. Karl grabs Bruno’s recumbent and tries to steal it. Impossible. He tips over. BRUNO (helpful) Je moet de rem inknijpen. BEATRIX Bruno, waarom help je deze jongeman met het stelen van je fiets? Karl falls off again. Grabs Beatrix’s lady’s bicycle with its small wheels. BRUNO Dat is mijn fiets niet. 66. BEATRIX Hoerenzoon! Back down the street, Fijneoren climbs aboard his own bicycle, and signals for Huis to join him. FIJNEOREN Hester, we moeten zijn telefoon hebben! Huis gets on the back, and off they cycle in pursuit. FIJNEOREN Is Nadia ontsnapt? HUIS Er was geen Nadia. Hij leidde onze aandacht af zodat hij kon ontsnappen. FIJNEOREN (confusion turns to wonderment) Het is net vier-dimensioneel schaken. Deze knul is een crimineel meesterbrein. Dat zijn ze allemaal. Hoe denken we te kunnen winnen van deze superieure criminaliteit? Huis doesn’t quite know how to react. She concentrates on Karl up ahead. He’s peddling like crazy, but not really getting anywhere too fast with those small wheels. Kijk uit! HUIS Fijneoren swerves to miss a goose. And then another. And yet another. Huis is impressed with his skills. FIJNEOREN Ik kan het me niet permitteren een apostel te raken! EXT. PARK - NIGHT An edgy, dangerous looking Turkish dude AJDIN (30, scars, tattoos) is waiting impatiently. Chewing gum, sucking on a vape, scratching, twitching. AJDIN (to an Arrival) You said half-eight. 67. It’s Dik who’s arrived. He looks at his watch: 7:30 And...? DIK AJDIN Fucking Dutch. Can’t even tell the time. This time, when Dik speaks his heavily accented English, subtitles appear on the screen. DIK Turks can’t tell the time. Dik notices the subtitles on the screen and frowns. AJDIN Actually, the Ottomans invented numbers. Anyway, enough revisionist history. What do you want? Dik produces a bottle of pills. DIK (subtitled even though it’s English) I need you to deliver some replacement... (noticing subtitles on the bottom of the screen again) ...medication to a friend of mine. (reacting to subtitles) Why are you subtitling me when I speak the perfect English? AJDIN Deliver to a friend? I’m suspicious... You have no friends. DIK (not subtitled, difficult to understand) And why aren’t you subtitling him? SUBTITLES (subtitled) What? ADJIN What? (and then) Which “friend” am I delivering to? 68. Dik hands over the bottle of pills. DIK (subtitled again and pissing him off) Address is on the label. Fuck off. (Adjin thinks he means him) Not you. Them! (to Adjin) Just swap the medication without the kid knowing. Dik storms off with his finger in the air. SUBTITLES *Rude gesture unbecoming a former police officer* DIK Don’t you dare follow me! Adjin’s confusion turns to enjoyment at Dik’s plight. ADJIN Goodbye Mister Van Der Kok (subtitled as) I hope I never see you again. INT. KING APARTMENT / BATHROOM - NIGHT Harrison is filling the bath tub with ice and water. Behind him the medicine cabinet is open, and we see the exact same pill bottle from the previous scene. WIM HOF (O.S) We have become alienated from nature. But the cold is capable of bringing us back to what we once had lost. I think of the cold as a noble force. Harrison removes his clothes and begins the breathing exercises. WIM HOF (O.S.) Make it simple for yourself by calming your mind from anger, understanding what makes you sad, and replicating the experiences that make you happy. 69. Harrison steps into the icy bath without registering the freezing temperatures. CLOSE-ON Harrison’s staring eyes as he submerges. He closes his eyes. Darkness. WIM HOF (O.S.) We as a species have unlimited power of our mind. We can make anything happen. HARRISON-POV: opening his eyes and looking up through the freezing water. What appears to be a hooded Jedi leans into shot. Piercing blue eyes. Master? HARRISON (V.O.) The hood is removed and Wim Hof reveals himself. WIM HOF The cold is merciless, but righteous. Son, you must be the one to become the dark to defeat the dark. Harrison sits bolt-upright in the bath and slowly contorts his face into that of the Prince’s. EXT. VARIOUS STREETS - NIGHT The soundtrack to the chase sequence is like a frenzied version of the whistling from “Turks Fruit.” It is truly the most action-packed two-detectives-on-abicycle-pursuing-an-Estonian-youth-on-a-bicycle sequence ever filmed on the streets of Amsterdam. Fijneoren has gained dramatically on Karl, despite having Huis onboard. And despite a whole series of peculiar obstacles. Finally: Karl crashes into a wall with a billboard. It’s a variation of the first PETA Goose billboard we saw. This one has the eviscerated goose on the operating table surrounded by the ghoulish Chief, Huis and Fijneoren. A speech bubble from Huis as she reaches into the guts of the Goose. “Hey Chief, I think I’ve found your balls.” Karl picks himself up and runs onto the 70. MAGERE BRUG Takes his phone out. KARL SCREW YOU, PIGS! He tosses it high into the air above the canal... Like the bone in “Space Odyssey” up, up it goes... In a SLO-MO SEQUENCE, bulky Fijneoren does a spectacular Produnova Vault off the handrail, somersaults through the sky, and... Clutches at the phone. He just misses and it descends towards the water... He then executes a double front flip on the way down, but again misses and the phone sinks into the canal. But, so does Fijneoren with a graceful splash. Both disappear beneath the waters. Several PASSERS-BY hold up score-cards. 2, 3, 1, 1. Frankly, they’re unimpressed. Huis runs to the side of the Bridge and desperately surveys the canal. HUIS FIJNEOREN? PIETER! Even Karl seems worried. KARL Sorry. I didn’t think he’d—— And then, Fijneoren emerges from the water holding the phone aloft. FIJNEOREN It’s an iPhone Twelve! Huis isn’t sure of the significance. KARL Its IP-sixty-eight rating means it can survive in up to six meters of water for half an hour. HUIS God zegen de technologie! 71. Huis claps ecstatically, looks at FIJNEOREN with fresh and adoring eyes. Along the banks of the canal the Passers-By amend their score-cards to 10s. Huis then handcuffs Karl. KARL What the fuck? HUIS (holding key over bridge rail) If it wasn’t for the magic of Steve Jobs, and the skills of Detective FIJNEOREN, I’d throw the key away. But, it’s not over: Down on the water, from nowhere, a GOOSE swoops at the phone in Fijneorwen’s hand. ARGHHHHH! FIJNEOREN After a terrible battle —— feathers and blood flying —— Fijneoren manages to fight the Goose off. Now the Passers-By are BOOING. And they’ve been joined by more PETA PROTESTORS with placards and goose costumes. “STOP POLICE BRUTALITY TO GEESE!” Fijneoren, with his bloodied Goose-pecked face, nose hanging by a sinew, is pelted with eggs as he climbs out of the canal. EXT. ROOF TERRACE - MORNING Alice, Baptiste, and Harrison are glued to a computer screen, watching a speech by the Prince. His voice is the strangest any of us have ever heard. Jumbled European meets Slavic accent, lisp, rhotacization, occasional stutter, slurring, sometimes almost Pig Latin. While Baptiste and Harrison are stupefied at the way the Prince speaks, Alice doesn’t bat an eyelid. PRINCE (V.O.) (from computer, almost incoherent) That is why it gives me so much pleasure to once again welcome you all to the Rijksmuseum for this most auspicious of occasions. 72. BAPTISTE What’s with his voice? His accent? What freaking language is that? HARRISON Sounds like Klingon. ALICE It’s what happens when you’re cooped up in a palace all day from the age of two with nannies and private tutors from France, Russia, Bulgaria, Spain, New Zealand and Thailand. It’s why most royals don’t speak in public too much. HARRISON You and your parents seem to speak pretty normal human. ALICE Only in public. It’s an act. (speaking like Prince) In private, we all speak exactly like the Prince. All Royals do. It’s like our own vernacular so the servants can’t understand us. You know, when we discuss executing them. Seriously? BAPTISTE HARRISON She’s taking the piss, Bap. Honestly, sometimes. They turn their attention back to the video of the Prince. His speaking is the least of it, the Man really is a sight for sore eyes. He’s at a lectern, the banner in the b.g. says it’s the VIth STARRY, STARRY NIGHT EXHIBITION. PRINCE (on the screen) On this night, as we have every night during the five previous exhibitions, we salute the great Dutch Master. The Prince does the salute which involves he and AUDIENCE covering their left ears. 73. BAPTISTE Can we stop watching now? I’m beginning to feel, how you say, like I will vomit, and explode from my anus at the same time. HARRISON There’s no word for that. In English. BAPTISTE I bet the Dutch do. ALICE (about the Prince) You should see him eat. He once tried to kiss me. With tongue. Baptiste goes pale, dry retches and slams his laptop shut. Baptiste and Alice both stare expectantly at Harrison. ALICE Well? The plan? BAPTISTE (reminding Harrison) The plan where, in exchange for Princess Alice getting you together with Daisy, that you get her apart from Prince Harald of SchleswigHolstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg. The one you described as dozy. HARRISON Doozy. I said it was a doozy. (to Alice) Your parents have never met the Prince in person, right? ALICE He’s charmed their arses off on the phone. Believe it or not, he can be very charming. BAPTISTE I believe it not. HARRISON What if Prince Charming lost his charm? What if you and he had dinner with your parents and he turned out to be that worst asshole in Christendom? (MORE) 74. HARRISON (CONT'D) They wouldn’t want their daughter marrying such a person would they? ALICE But I told you he’s charming. Harrison transforms his face and voice into that of the Prince. Alice can’t believe her eyes, and her ears. HARRISON (Prince’s garbled speaking) I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t like my version of the Prince. In fact, I can guarantee he’d get thrown out of the palace tootie-sweetie. BAPTISTE (pronunciation) Saint Vierge Marie. Harrison hears something and walks to the edge of the Roof Garden. “You’re So Vain” by Carly Simon. BICYCLIST (V.O.) (from street below) “...walked along the roof top, like you were walking onto a yacht...” Harrison looks over and spots the Bicyclist below. Cycling past and singing. BICYCLIST “You're so vain (you're so vain) I bet you think this song is about you... (looking up at Harrison) Don't you, don't you?” Harrison turns back to Alice and Baptiste. HARRISON Did anyone——? BAPTISTE Wim Hof again? Only Harrison can hear it: WIM HOF (V.O.) (singing) “Don’t you, don’t you...?” Alice runs to Harrison and embraces him. 75. ALICE (tearing up) I’ll have to help you with the speaking part a bit. But... Oh my God, Harrison. You’d do this for me? HARRISON You need to organize a dinner. ALICE I don’t need to. It’s the annual King and Queen Dinner for Extraordinary Subjects. HARRISON I need a list of your mother and father’s pet hates. BAPTISTE (confused) I thought they loved pets. Don’t they have like dozens of corgis? (pronounces it cor-gee) ALICE Wrong royal family, Bap. The Brits are the ones into orgies, my parents absolutely love ferrets. HARRISON Ferrets, huh? Harrison has an idea. ALICE And geese, of course. But everyone loves geese. Not everyone. Especially when one flying overhead shits on Baptiste. Merde! BAPTISTE HARRISON Yes. Yes it is. EXT. POLICE HQ - DAY To establish. The goose protest numbers have tripled. Many in Goose Costume. Smashed eggs cover the windows and front entrance. 76. CROWD SAVE THE GEESE! RED DE GANZEN! INT. CHIEF'S OFFICE Faint chanting from outside is audible. Seated in front of the Chief are Huis, Fijneoren (with plasters on his goose-pecked face, nose bandaged, phoneholding hand bandaged from goose attack). Standing are Detective Van Der Duim (wearing a kilt and one fluffy slipper and a flip-flop) with a handcuffed Karl. HUIS (waxing lyrical) Het was gewoon verbazingwekkend chef! Pieter, um, Detective FIJNEOREN went diving into the sky like Epke Zonderland—— KARL You promised to speak English, if I promised not to have a lawyer present. CHIEF Epke Zonderland is a name, boy. KARL Really? Weird name. CHIEF You can talk. What the hell sort of name is “Karl”? The Chief looks around for confirmation. Everyone averts their eyes. VAN DER DUIM Probably a pseudonym, Sir. CHIEF (to Karl) Well, “Karl,” Epke is known as the Flying Dutchman. A three time world champion and Olympic gold medal gymnast. What’re they teaching at school these days? FIJNEOREN Karl is Estonian, Chief. 77. CHIEF And, the Flying Dutchman is internationally renowned. Probably even in Latvia. KARL You know what? Lawyer or not, you can just speak Dutch. CHIEF Best you learn Dutch before you go to prison for obstruction. There’s no English spoken at Nieuw Vosseveld. HUIS And when the phone... Huis registers the terror on Karl’s face. Revises her story. HUIS When the phone slipped out of Karl’s hand towards the water, Pieter here, um, Detective FIJNEOREN balletically spun through the air and caught it. CHIEF Wait. Hester, I thought “Karl,” not his real name, deliberately, and with malice, jettisoned his mobile phone into the canal. Everybody looks at everybody. HUIS Not only that, Detective FIJNEOREN then revolted—— Repulsed. FIJNEOREN HUIS Repulsed an attack from a goose. The Chief goes to the window and watches the goose protest below with loathing. Scratches at some dried yolk on his lapel. CHIEF A revolting goose? Self-evident, surely? 78. HUIS Repulsive goose, Sir. VAN DER DUIM Chief? With respect. I’d like to head the task force. HUIS We’ve tracked an incoming call on Karl’s phone to Nadia’s so-called benefactor. And with your permission we’d like to go and interrogate—— FIJNEOREN ——interview HUIS It’s not for a job, Pieter. FIJNEOREN But, Sir, it’s sensitive. Political. CHIEF (eyes light up) Task-force? VAN DER DUIM There’s clearly a criminal element running rampant in Amsterdam. CHIEF The curfew is beginning to bring the young people to heel, Detective. And there will be no more troubles with skyrockets and pyromaniacs when the teenagers are all vaccinated. VAN DER DUIM Sir, with respect, there’s no vaccinations for the geese. Fijneoren kind of agrees, Huis and Karl exchange WTF? glances. VAN DER DUIM And there’s a criminal element of geese emerging. Probably humancontrolled, but clearly trained to destroy evidence specifically related to the Van Gogh investigation. (MORE) 79. VAN DER DUIM (CONT'D) (off Everyone’s reactions) First the ear, and now the phone. What more evidence do you need? CHIEF (looking out window at Protestors) Human controlled? VAN DER DUIM More than likely a human teenager. CHIEF Noem tieners alsjeblieft geen mensen, detective. Chief’s looking at the several Protestors in GOOSE COSTUMES. From up here, they really do look quite realistic. As if Giant Geese strutted the earth. CHIEF Or, maybe, teenagers masquerading as geese? KARL Again, please only speak Dutch. CHIEF All right. Go and interview this benefactor at the Rijksmuseum. And bring those human sized geese up for interrogation. Yes Sir! ALL (EXCEPT KARL) KARL (can’t believe what’s going on) Can I go to prison now? Please. EXT. AMSTERDAM STREET - DAY Dik and Farrah (in Handhaver uniform) walking... She’s chalking bicycle tires. Stops in shock at something she’s heard from Dik. Wat!? FARRAH 80. DIK Die kleine crimineel is bipolair. Als hij zijn medicijnen niet neemt, ziet hij dingen, hoort hij dingen, wordt manisch. FARRAH Hoe weet je dat? DIK (oops) Nou laten we zeggen, ik, ik heb een vriend die bipolair is. En ik heb nog een paar mensen die loyaal aan mij zijn binnen het hoofdkantoor. FARRAH Ben jij nu een crimineel? DIK Om een crimineel te kunnen pakken moet je soms denken als een crimineel FARRAH Oh, dus de politie is crimineel? DIK Dat zei ik niet. FARRAH Nou Dik, dat zei je dus wel. DIK Kijk, hij voert iets in zijn schild. En als ik hem te pakken krijg, is dat mijn vrijkaartje terug FARRAH (chalking a tire) De wet overtreden om nog meer wetsovertreders te pakken. Goed plan, agent van der Kok. Dik watches her continue on her way. It’s unclear whether Farrah’s given him food for thought, or he’s watching her callipygous bum. Our Bicyclist cycles past singing “I Fought the Law” by the Clash. 81. BICYCLIST “Breakin’ rocks in the hot sun, I fought the law and the law won... Fuck off. DIK BICYCLIST (middle finger aloft) “I fought the law and the law won...” INT. CHIEF'S OFFICE - DAY The Chief’s standing at his window watching the Protestors below. He brings a walkie-talkie to his mouth, inevitably it hits his face shield. Fat lip. CHIEF Damn. (into walkie) Alright Detective, move over. In. All he gets back is crackle. CHIEF (into walkie) Detective Van Der Duim? Over. VAN DER DUIM (V.O.) (on walkie) Wie is dit? CHIEF Wie denk je dat dit is? Over. VAN DER DUIM (V.O.) I’m sorry, Detective Over. This channel is reserved for Operation Gaggle. Please get off the line. CHIEF Van der Duim, ik ben het, de chef. Ga eropaf! VAN DER DUIM (V.O.) Hoe weet ik dat u het bent? EXT. POLICE HQ Van der Duim surveys the Protestors suspiciously. He’s now wearing a bright pink suit and moccasins. 82. VAN DER DUIM (into walkie) Er is een andere vent op de lijn, die zich voordoet als u. CHIEF (V.O.) Van der Duim, zorg dat ik niet zelf naar beneden hoef te komen. Ga eropaf. Over. VAN DER DUIM Dus Over helpt met de omsingeling? Over steek je hand op zodat ik je herken. Van Der Duim looks around expectantly, no-one puts their hand up. INT. CHIEF'S OFFICE Chief watching Van Der Duim. CHIEF (into walkie) Van der Duim, kom in actie nu anders wijs ik iemand anders aan als hoofd van de Speciale Eenheid. Over en Uit! There’s a pause. And then.... VAN DER DUIM (V.O.) Met respect meneer, maar dat zijn twee mensen. EXT. POLICE HQ Van Der Duim is now looking at the Chief up at his office window. He sees him scream. CHIEF (on walkie) GA! ER! OP! AF! The window cracks. Van Der Duim jumps into action. VAN DER DUIM (to circling COPS) Erop af! The Cops wielding tasers and truncheons approach the Mob. 83. INT. CHIEF'S OFFICE The Chief watches the resulting melee with a smile. Especially when Van Der Duim tasers one of those in a GOOSE COSTUME. CHIEF (into WT) MEER TASERING! EXT. KING APARTMENT - DAY Here comes our Bicyclist singing Gnarls Barkley’s “Crazy.” BICYCLIST “I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind, There was something so pleasant about that place...” INT. KING APARTMENT / HARRISON’S BEDROOM Harrison’s on his bed FaceTiming his Mother on his phone. LYDIA (on screen) You sure it wasn’t you? Sneaking around in the dark? A couple of nights ago? You didn’t break curfew and go out or anything did you? Pricks up his ears when he hears the Bicyclist outside. BICYCLIST (V.O.) “Does that make me crazy? Does that make you crazy?” HARRISON (to Lydia) Did you hear that? Hear what? LYDIA HARRISON (singing along with Bicyclist) “Does that make me crazy...” That song. Lydia looks concerned. Harrison is now preoccupied. 84. LYDIA Harrison? Harrison! HARRISON Sorry, Mama. LYDIA Look me in the eye. Are you taking your meds? HARRISON My meds? Of course. Lydia studies her son long and hard. LYDIA I’m going to make an appointment with Doctor Str—, Doctor Shitemurker... Who? HARRISON And now Harrison sees Wim Hof in the room. Wim naturally pronounces the doctor’s name correctly. WIM HOF Doctor Schuijtemaeker. Your shrink. HARRISON (to Wim) Ahh. Thanks, Master. LYDIA Who are you talking to? HARRISON (guiltily) No one. LYDIA I’m calling the Doctor. Right now. After my next Zoom meeting. She ends the call. Shit! HARRISON WIM HOF Ligt het aan mij of is het hier warm? 85. HARRISON I need your help, Master. EXT. SHOP - EVENING It’s called, “Skinny’s.” The sign in the shop window reads: “If it’s fluffy or furry or scaly and was NOT grown by an animal, we have it.” Also, “Coats and clothing made to order.” Dik Van Der Kok is loitering nearby. Through the window he sees Harrison collect a package from the CLERK. INT. SHOP - CONTINUOUS Harrison taking the package. HARRISON (to Clerk, terrible pronunciation) Danke je wel. The Clerk has no idea what he just said. Harrison turns to Wim Hof. WIM HOF Dutch lessons next. One challenge at a time, Harrison. They head to the door and step out into THE STREET Harrison holds the door for Wim, and they walk off. HARRISON You sure you won’t come to the dinner tonight. WIM HOF I’ve told you, I can’t go because I’m already going. Harrison has no idea what that means. Dik watches. From his POV of course, there’s no Wim Hof. It’s just Harrison talking to someone who’s not there. With a satisfied smirk Dik follows Harrison down the street, turns to Farrah. 86. DIK Ik hou er van als onze plannen slagen, jij? FARRAH Ik ben niet overtuigd Dik. Echt niet. And then, shot reveals that, like Harrison, there’s absolutely no-one there, but Dik nods his head when he hears the “reply”. DIK (to Imaginary Farrah) Ik ga dat joch een lesje leren. Eentje die hij niet vergeet. EXT. KING APARTMENT - NIGHT Harrison exits with Wim Hof. HARRISON (calling Inside) Bye Mom! LYDIA (O.S.) (from inside) Say Hello to Willem and Maxima from me. Harrison wears glasses and has his hair slicked like the real Prince. He’s also got on a large overcoat which conceals his clothing beneath. HARRISON (to Wim Hof) Wish me luck, then. WIM HOF If you can learn how to use your mind... BOTH Anything is possible. Both stop and listen because approaching is the sound of The Carpenters’ “(They Long to Be) Close to You.” BICYCLIST “Why do birds suddenly appear, Every time, you are near?” 87. A bunch of hoves into is so long train. One honking Geese make their presence felt as Alice view on her bike. Looking radiant, her ball gown that two CYCLISTS follow along behind carrying the of them is our beloved Bicyclist. BICYCLIST “Just like me, they long to be, close to you. Why do stars fall from the sky, every time you bike by?” On cue, skyrockets launch into the night sky. BACKING VOCALISTS with Angelic wings appear magically on balconies. BICYCLIST / ANGELS “On the day that you were born, the angels got together and decided to create a dream come true...” Alice isn’t really enjoying all this attention. BICYCLIST “They sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold...” Angels sprinkle sparkly confetti on Alice from above. She screeches to a halt on her bike. ALICE That’s enough! Can everyone — including the angels — just leave me the hell alone! (to taken-aback Harrison) Seriously. My father does this to me every time I go to the palace. ANGELS ETC. “Waah waah waaah, close to you, waah wa-ah——” ALICE And it’s always the Carpenters. One Angel launches from a balcony and flutters vertiginously around above Alice. ONE ANGEL (still singing and throwing glitter) “Wa-ah, wa-ah—” Alice takes her shoe off and fires it at the fluttering Angel. BONK! It hits him square in the forehead. 88. ONE ANGEL “Waaah..” WAH! The Angel goes down like a bag of pegs. Harrison watches and probably doesn’t find all this as weird as we do. HARRISON Wow. You look... Like a Princess. ALICE And you look like a Prince. The Bicyclist plays the opening chords of Prince’s “Purple Rain.” Stops when Alice takes her other shoe off. ALICE A prince. Not fucking Prince purple prince. (to Harrison) Usually the Carpenters. EXT. CHIEF’S HOUSE - NIGHT Chief arrives on his bike, checks the perfect topiary in the front garden. Brings out mini-clippers and cuts half a leaf that’s out of place. Snippety snip. FRONT DOOR: There’s an explosion of goose-down when he opens it. A sign unfurls: SORRY TO BE A DOWNER. LOVE, THE GEESE. INT. CHIEF’S HOUSE - BEDROOM It’s Daisy on her laptop and she’s FT’ing... Baptiste! DAISY Send me the other photo you took of this man. BAPTISTE This was outside school. Yesterday. And here’s a whole bunch more. A photo comes through of Dik Van Der Kok lurking in various places: outside school, Beatrixpark, on the street. DAISY And you say he seems familiar? BAPTISTE Maybe all perverts look the same. 89. There’s a knock at the door... DAISY Shit! It’s my father. I’ll call later. ...the Chief enters. Covered in goose down. DAISY Papa! Wat is er met je gebeurd? CHIEF Die ganzen opstandelingen (staring at photos on screen) Waarom heb je een Dik van der Kok screen-saver? Is dat een soort loljonge-mensen TikTok ding? Wie? DAISY CHIEF Ik vertel het je onderweg. EXT. RIJKSMUSEUM - NIGHT To establish. Various shots of the remarkable building. A Mozartian version of “Turks Fruit” can be heard from inside... INT. VARIOUS ROOMS “The Night Watch” now takes up our entire screen. And, there’s the STRING QUARTET playing directly in front. Pedaling through shot —— It’s Fijneoren with Huis on the front on his bike. HUIS Schiet op, Pieter. A few beats. And then they go cycling back past the painting. And, again. This time they stop and look around. HUIS Zeg niet dat je verdwaald bent. FIJNEOREN Het is hier behoorlijk groot, Hester. (MORE) 90. FIJNEOREN (CONT'D) (to String Quartet) Excuseer me? EXCUSEER ME! The players reluctantly cease. They’re pissed. HUIS Can you tell us how to get out of here? Please. Nothing back except surliness. Huis and Fijneoren show their badges. FIJNEOREN We’re detectives investigating a series of murders and... (down the barrel speaking to Us) After interviewing a Rijksmuseum official, we have a lead on the Van Gogh killer. (finishes with a wink) VIOLINIST And those badges give you the power to just interrupt musicians whenever you want? The rest of the Quartet heckle: QUARTET So fucking rude, Philistines, Wankers, etc. HUIS We’re truly sorry. Really we are. It’s just that we’re in a hurry. VIOLINIST (pointing his bow) Music-haters! Fijneoren bristles, gets off his bike and eyeballs the Violinist. FIJNEOREN What did you call us? You heard. VIOLINIST CELLIST Yeah, you heard. 91. FIJNEOREN (to Violinist, re: violin) Gimme that. VIOLINIST My three hundred year old Stradivarius? I don’t think—— GRAB! Everyone, including Huis, is appalled when Fijneoren seizes the instrument. VIOLINIST (on his knees) Oh my God! Please don’t hurt her. CELLIST Give it back, MUSIC-HATER! Fijneoren confidently places it beneath his chin and launches into a perfect rendition of Rachmaninoff’s heartrending “Vocalise...” Neither the members of the String Quartet, nor Huis, can believe their ears. FIJNEORWEN’S MENUHIN-LIKE VIOLIN CONTINUES OVER FOLLOWING SCENES: EXT. DAM SQUARE - NIGHT Various shots of the PALEIS AMSTERDAM, the flood-lights capturing its grand opulence. The red carpet is out, and a few curious BYSTANDERS are gathering... Three PEOPLE step from the “REGAL TV” (”Flushed with Royals 24/7”) O.B. TRUCK. Meet the maudlin DIRECTOR (34, female, wishes she was back directing game shows), and Presenters, AVERY and STEPHANIE (50s, over-coiffed and made-up) Avery and Stephanie preen as they step in front of the CAMERA CREW. Lights! DIRECTOR In ten. The Rock will throw to you. Avery and Stephanie toggle their ear-pieces, and begin chuckling away... Director counts them in, and ACTION! Increasingly depressed Director watches on her MONITOR. 92. AVERY (to cam, fake laughter) Well, Dwayne, that whole dynastic succession question can indeed be a minefield for the Romanovs, let alone a former wrestler. STEPHANIE Dwayne The Johnson there reporting live from the Dowager Empress Marie Feodorovna’s Memorial Morning Tea at Starbucks in Saint Petersburg. Meanwhile... AVERY Welcome to Amsterdam for the... STEPHANIE (checking notes) The annual King and Queen Dinner for Extraordinary Subjects. AVERY What a night! Various shots on MONITOR of bored-looking PASSERS-BY. One MAN is having a pee, TOURISTS buying drugs, a GOOSE, one of those STATUE STREET PERFORMER guys. STEPHANIE There’s a feeling of palpable excitement... AVERY Not seen since Mouth and MacNeil’s third place in the nineteen-seventyfour Eurovision Song Contest. Both sing a few bars of “I See A Star.” Quite a few bars. The Director shoots herself through the head. The Cameraman steps over her body and keeps filming. STEPHANIE (re: gunshot) What was that? AVERY Just the wonderful celebratory fireworks. Camera shot goes to sky. No fireworks... Just... Avery and Stephanie launch into another round of “I See A Star.” 93. EXT. AMSTERDAM STREET Harrison, and Alice (with Cyclists carrying her train) cycle along. Alice lights a joint. BICYCLIST (singing Carpenters) “Calling Occupants of interplanetary——” Tailing them is Dik Van Der Kok on his shrieking bicycle. He turns to Farrah cycling beside him. DIK Wat ik niet begrijp is waarom hij zich voordoet als Prince Harald of Schleswig-Holstein-SonderburgGlücksburg? SCREECH! SCREECH! FARRAH Je moet echt iets aan je fiets doen, Dik. INT. BASEMENT ROOM It’s the VAN GOGH KILLER’s POV: As he’s putting on gloves, he’s viewing a vast array of cutting accoutrements that are displayed on a wall. If it’s sharp and can chop, say, an ear off, or slit a throat, it’s on this wall. Ecstatic breathing as he runs his fingers over some of his favorite blades. A dagger with a jewel handle is dislodged from the wall. THUD. VAN GOGH KILLER AHHH. FUCK! It’s embedded in his Goddamn foot... EXT. DAM SQUARE Avery and Stephanie continue their live cross. Behind the scenes, an ambulance is parked and MEDICS try to resuscitate the Director. It all proves to be an obstacle course for the Camera Crew. 94. STEPHANIE Thanks, Gary. Gary Glitter there reporting from London’s King Edward the Seventh Hospital on the circumcision of Viscount Althorpe’s son Oscar. AVERY (toggling earpiece) Gary tells us blue blood always looks reddish under those bright operating theater lights. STEPHANIE Every year there’s great mystery over who will be invited to the Dutch Royal palace for the Extraordinary Dinner. AVERY And the extraordinary figure skating display always put on by the ferret-loving royal couple. STEPHANIE We won’t know who they are until the lucky recipients cycle up the red carpet... Trumpets sound... STEPHANIE (VERY excited) Oh, sweet King Kamehamea the sixth, I think our guests are arriving! They Both peer off into the Square. Sure enough we can just make out Cyclists approaching... BICYCLIST (singing, very faint) “Calling occupants of interplanetary craft...” Suddenly down goes Alice. She lays underneath her bike cracking up. ALICE (stage whisper) I’m so fucking stoned. We can just make out the figure of Harrison-Prince helping the cackling Alice to her feet. 95. INT. RIJKSMUSEUM Fijneoren finishes his Rachmaninoff. Huis and some of the Quartet have been moved to tears. The Violinist, however, is fuming. FIJNEOREN Music-hater I am not. VIOLINIST No. You’re worse. You’re a Goddamn SHOW-OFF! The Violinist snatches his precious instrument off Fijneoren with such force that it goes shooting backwards and... Lodges scroll-first into the top of “The Night Watch.” With a terrible ripping sound, the violin slices the canvas down the middle as it slides from top to bottom. It’s an excruciatingly slow thing to watch. RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP! Flap-Flap go the two halves of the canvas. Everyone pretends nothing’s happened. The Violinist quickly collects his instrument and scuttles off. The rest of the Quartet follows. Huis and Fijneoren stand paralyzed for a few beats looking at the wreckage. HUIS We moeten... (...get The hell out of here) FIJNEOREN We moeten... We moeten... Off they pedal into the next room. HUIS (O.S.) Ik zie een uitgang bordje! Kijk uit Pieter! There’s a CRASH and scream when the bike collides with something. FIJNEOREN (O.S.) Het spijt me vreselijk. Gaat het, Hester?? 96. HUIS (O.S.) Oh God! Je bent met een klap tegen Het Melkmeisje aangefietst. INT. BASEMENT ROOM The Van Gogh Killer’s POV: He’s limping, looks down at his bandaged foot and back to the wall of precious sharp things. Gloved hand hovers over various nasty instruments and finally chooses a serrated blade. POV moves to a door which he unlocks and opens... INT. BASEMENT CELL There’s Nadia, head bandaged, cowering on her cot. NADIA Please. Please. I won’t tell anyone. POV strays to the television on the wall. It’s the Regal TV live cross from Dam Square. Sound down. Avery and Stephanie clearly waxing lyrical on the red carpet. That’s when Alice and Harrison cycle up. Harrison now in Prince Character, face contorted, slobbering. POV of Killer’s hand turning sound up. STEPHANIE (V.O.) Alice’s date this evening is the dashing Prince Harald of SchleswigHolstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg. NORMAL VIEW The Van Gogh Killer is none other than the aforementioned Prince. THE REAL PRINCE watches Harrison-Prince on the carpet in disbelief. AVERY (V.O.) This really is a coup—— STEPHANIE (V.O.) Can’t say the C word on Regal TV... AVERY (V.O.) Sorry, scoop. There’ve been romance rumors about Princess Alice and Prince Harald for a few months, and now it’s all out in the open. 97. STEPHANIE You saw it here first. The Real Prince looks like he’s about to explode. REAL PRINCE (swearing in that strange language) Sleufk ghrrrrp askhjnu! Knife in hand, he turns towards the terrified Nadia. INT. CENTRAL HALL OF PALEIS - NIGHT Down off the huge statue of Atlas... Beneath the chandeliers and ornate filigree, the entire hall has been turned into the most deluxe ice-skating rink in Christendom. A CROWD of onlookers looks down on the rink, we catch a glimpse of Alice and Harrison-Prince amongst them. ALICE (to Harrison Prince) My dad proposed to my mum while they were ice-skating. (off his reaction) And, hopefully you get to see some of his beloved skating ferrets. HARRISON-PRINCE Speaking of which. Harrison-Prince removes his outer jacket to reveal... A suit MADE ENTIRELY OF FERRET FUR. Alice gasps. HARRISON-PRINCE It’s not real. ALICE Doesn’t matter, Prince Harald. He’s gonna hate you. A HERALD skates onto the ice: HERALD Ladies and gentlemen, Royal Olympic Figure-Skating Silver Medallists, King Willem, and Queen Maxima! Silver? HARRISON-PRINCE 98. ALICE Bloody Norwegians. MUSIC STARTS: Golden Earring’s “Radar Love.” ALICE The Dutch national anthem. (off Harrison’s reaction) Well, practically. There is applause when WILLEM and MAXIMA slice onto the ice, take a bow, and launch into a Torvill and Dean figure-skating display. Willem plays air guitar and Maxima mouths the words to the song. Every Lutz, Axel and Waltz jump is performed to perfection... The Crowd absolutely laps it up. Harrison waves out when he recognizes Wim Hof across on the other side of the Hall. For his part, the Real Wim Hof doesn’t seem to recognize him at all. Master? HARRISON PRINCE It’s perplexing to Harrison. Not so much to us. EXT. CANAL - NIGHT It’s all a bit dark and creepy here. Mist rises from the waters, full Moon, owl hoots, coyote howls. Fijneoren and Huis cycle up and warily approach a particularly run-down woonboot... Fijneoren signals for Huis to wait while he boards the craft. Suddenly he stops, checks his pockets: FIJNEOREN (fierce whisper) Shit! Wat is er? HUIS FIJNEOREN Ik heb mijn—— SHHHHHH! HUIS 99. FIJNEOREN Ik heb mijn pistool op het bankje laten liggen. Bankje? HUIS FIJNEOREN Ik ben vandaag met mijn kleindochter naar de speeltuin geweest en ik heb mijn pistool schoongemaakt terwijl ze aan het schommelen was. Ze wou geduwd worden, en... Huis digests this disturbing information. HUIS Heb jij je geweer op een bankje in een speeltuin achtergelaten? FIJNEOREN Hester, je kunt geen schommelend kind duwen en tegelijkertijd je Walter negen mm schoonmaken. Dat zou gevaarlijk zijn. Hier! HUIS Huis lobs her pistol to Fijneoren. In what can only be described as a Rube Goldberg fumble, Fijneoren gets his fingers to the gun, but ends up knocking it higher into the air. It bounces on a mini-trampoline on the deck —— boing! —— and then off various springy parts of the houseboat, never losing momentum. Fijneoren dives and scrambles after it. He’s thumping around like a baby rhino SHHHH! HUIS INT. CENTRAL HALL - CONTINUOUS The entire place is seriously rockin’ out to the royal “Radar Love” figure skating of Willem and Maxima. As the routine on the ice gets evermore spectacular, the Crowd becomes more and more wild. Especially when a bunch of cute FERRETS in teeny-tiny skates follow them round the rink. 100. And Harrison can’t work out why the Real Wim Hof won’t acknowledge him. ALICE Who’re you waving to, Harrison? I mean, Harald. Wim. HARRISON-PRINCE ALICE He’s one of the dinner guests. You never told me you knew Wim Hof. (who again ignores Harrison’s waving) Because you clearly don’t. Harrison seems mesmerized and confused. ALICE Are you okay? Harald! HARRISON-POV: Scanning the crowd woozily and seeing several more Wim Hofs scattered around... Alice tries to work out what Harrison is seeing. That’s when she spots the Chief, and Daisy. Aw fuck. What? ALICE HARRISON-PRINCE Alice indicates the now waving Daisy. ALICE The love of your life. HARRISON-PRINCE What’s she doing here? ALICE Her father’s obviously brought her to the dinner as his plus-one. And, she’ll recognize you. Harrison’s POV: Daisy now staring back at him suspiciously. From his view, she’s standing beside another Wim Hof, rather than her father. HARRISON-PRINCE He never told me he had a daughter. 101. ALICE You know the Chief? HARRISON-PRINCE I call him Master. Harrison-Prince sets off to get to the bottom of things. ALICE Harrison! HARALD! She dials a number on her phone as she follows. INT. BAPTISTE’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Baptiste is in bed watching anime on his phone, it rings. Caller I.D.: Alice. BAPTISTE (into phone, more ugly Dutch words) KUTWIJF! “Radar Love” and crowd noise in the b.g. ALICE (O.S.) Alright, alright! There’s something wrong with Harrison. BAPTISTE Usually is. What now? ALICE (O.S.) He’s seeing things. BAPTISTE Aw merde. By any chance is he seeing Wim Hof? If he is, he’s not taking his meds. EXT. HOUSE-BOAT - CONTINUOUS Fijneoren watches as the handgun bounces one more time off the mini-trampoline and soars into the air... Fijneoren does the same, bouncing high into the starry sky after it. Pieter! HUIS In the heavens, Fijneoren grabs at the gun as it descends... Misses. 102. Down and up the gun and Fijneoren go. This time he seizes the weapon. JA! FIJNEOREN Huis applauds with love in her eyes as Fijneoren plummets. Except... He misses the trampoline and CRASHES THROUGH THE DECK OF THE HOUSEBOAT... BANG! The gun goes off. Huis rushes onboard. Pieter! HUIS She looks over the side of the breach in the deck into the cabin Fijneorwen’s landed in. HUIS Oh God Pieter! Gaat het goed? Fijneoren unburies himself from the timber and holds the gun aloft. FIJNEOREN Ja, ik ben ok. HUIS (stifling tears) Godzijdank! Pieter? FIJNEOREN Ja, Hester. HUIS Wil je met me trouwen? FIJNEOREN Ja Hester. Ja dat wil ik. The romantic interlude is shattered when they both catch sight of the wall of knives and sharp things... And then: NADIA (O.S.) (distant) Help? INT. CENTRAL HALL - CONTINUOUS It’s like a rave in here as Queen Maxima executes a flawless toe loop and is caught by Willem... The skating ferrets all do little jumps. 103. INTERCUT the ice-skating with Audience: Daisy, standing next to her father the Chief, watches as Harrison-Prince makes his way towards them. The Chief is unaware of anything except the Royal routine below. He’s loving it, and probably a little in love with Maxima. OLÉ! CHIEF Alice fights her way through the crowd after Harrison. Dik Van Der Kok scans the audience desperately looking for Harrison. Harrison-Prince finally gets to Daisy and the Chief (who looks to be Wim Hof to Harrison.) HARRISON-PRINCE (to Chief) Master? The Chief looks at Harrison quizzically. CHIEF Do I know you? Alice arrives and hustles Harrison-Prince away. Sorry. ALICE DAISY Alice? Waarom is hij... ALICE Harrison! Harald! Look at me! Harrison-Prince instead sees another Wim Hof leave through an exit. He rushes off after him. MASTER! HARRISON-PRINCE At that moment, the Real Prince arrives, scans the crowd. Sees Alice and Harrison-Prince. His expression could be considered a hate crime. His favorite dagger slips into his hand. And Alice sees him and runs for the exit. 104. INT. HOUSEBOAT CELL - CONTINUOUS The sound of approaching sirens. Huis is comforting a weeping Nadia on the cot, as a concerned Fijneoren looks on. FIJNEOREN You’re safe now. No-one’s going to hurt you. HUIS And he’s gone to the palace? NADIA He’s obsessed with her. Princess Alice. He’s taken his favorite knife. Nadia’s hand strays to her bandaged head. The sound of the houseboat being boarded by EMERGENCY SERVICES. FIJNEOREN (to Nadia) Oh, I almost forgot. Thought you might want this back. Fijneoren passes an evidence bag to Huis who quickly tucks it away when she sees what it contains. A MEDIC and some COPS arrive. EXT. HOUSEBOAT - MOMENTS LATER Van Der Duim seems to have a patrol car at the ready. Huis and Fijneoren get in. I/E. PATROL CAR / STREET VAN DER DUIM (jumping at the sound of an owl) Ik was hier blijven zitten, ver weg van de griezelige gracht. HUIS (to Van Der Duim) To the Palace. It’s almost as though it’s Van der Dium’s first time behind the wheel. It’s not. It’s his third time. He pushes various buttons, wind-shield wipers go on, emergency lights blink, radio goes on and off. 105. Fijneoren leans forward from the back. FIJNEOREN Denk eraan, voet op het gaspedaal. Wil je dat ik... Van Der Duim floors it — VROOOOOM! — immediately loses control. The patrol car rockets off the street straight into a bunch of GEESE floating in the canal. It bobs on the water, as the surviving geese escape. Inside the submerging vehicle, water and goose feathers begins to enter. FIJNEOREN Aw shit. Je had les moeten nemen. Huis tries to open her door. VAN DER DUIM (calmly) Wacht even tot we nog verder gezonken zijn. Dan doen we het raam open. FIJNEOREN Je moet zorgen dat de waterdruk binnen en buiten gelijk is. Dan kunnen we de deuren openen HUIS Hoe weet je dat allemaal? FIJNEOREN Van de laatste keer. Water gushes into the cabin. VAN DER DUIM Ik zei het al, ik ben—— FIJNEOREN Bang in het donker. Right. Ga de volgende keer achterin zitten. HUIS (handing FIJNEOREN back the evidence bag) En Pieter, what were you thinking? Om dat arme meisje haar geamputeerde oor terug te geven? CLOSE-ON bag and the grey shriveled ear inside. 106. Water now up to their chests. FIJNEOREN Mensen bewaren hun geamputeerde delen altijd. Dat brengt geluk. Nodding his head, Van Der Duim removes a small vial from his pocket. HUIS Wat is dat? VAN DER DUIM Mijn blinde darm. Water now up to their chins... HUIS (opposite) Good luck? VAN DER DUIM Tenzij we verdrinken. INT. CENTRAL HALL OF PALEIS - CONTINUOUS The King and Queen are taking a bow as the Crowd goes wild. They’re being circled by the ferrets in skates. The little creatures are very cute, and quite proficient skaters. Upstairs, Harrison-Prince fights his way through the Crowd and out the exit. INT. PALACE CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS Harrison-Prince looks right and left and sees Wim Hof disappear through a door in the distance. HARRISON-PRINCE Master? MASTER! Alice arrives, tries to cut him off... Harrison! ALICE ...fails. Then, chases him down and tackles him into an 107. OPULENT RESTROOM Harrison maintains that weird accent of The Prince. ALICE Have you been taking your meds? HARRISON-PRINCE (suspicious / hostile) Who’ve you been talking to? My mother. Or Baptiste? I’m not insane, by the way. ALICE Stop. Listen to me. We’ve got a bigger problem than you being insane. Or, not. HARRISON-PRINCE What are you doing? Alice is pulling his fur jacket off. ALICE He’s here. We gotta get rid of this fluffy jacket. He’s who. HARRISON-PRINCE Alice lobs the jacket into one of the cubicles. HARRISON-PRINCE (re: jacket) We need the ferret jacket for the plan. Alice starts mussing Harrison’s hair and man-handling his face back to normal. ALICE And stop speaking in that stupid voice. It makes my skin crawl. HARRISON-PRINCE I need the voice and the jacket to be the Prince, remember. ALICE You don’t need either because the real Harald is here. 108. HARRISON-PRINCE (still in weird voice) Aw shit, really? That’s a bit of a plot twist. Alice gives a skeptical look directly to camera, and then slaps Harrison-Prince hard. ALICE Stop with the voice! We gotta go to this dinner, and you need a new plan. OK? HARRISON I guess so. ALICE Now, you’ve heard that story about the Princess and the Pee, right? Alice turns on her heal and goes into one of the three cubicles, pulling her long train in after. EXT. AMSTERDAM SQUARE - CONTINUOUS A soaking wet Fijneoren (now driving), Huis and Van Der Duim come screaming up to the palace entrance in the patrol car... Water gushes onto the pavement when they open the doors. Fijneoren makes it halfway up the steps before collapsing. Pieter! HUIS Huis and Van Der Duim rush to the pale-looking Fijneoren. HUIS Wat is er?? Fijneorwen’s holding his blood-soaked side, Huis peels back the jacket to reveal a bullet wound. HUIS Oh my God! (to VAN DER DUIM) Bel een dokter. Nu! FIJNEOREN It’s just a flesh wound. (laughing) Dat heb ik altijd al een keer willen zeggen. ‘Tis but a scra—— 109. The laughing turns to blood-gurgling, and blood squirts out of his bullet wound. HUIS Pieter! Hou vol! De ambulance komt eraan! Van Der Duim returns. VAN DER DUIM Mijn telefoon werkt niet. Komt door het water. FIJNEOREN Use mine, it’s an iPhone Twelve. Van Der Duim removes the phone from Fijneorwen’s pocket and dials. Fijneoren shares a long moment with Huis, as the light dims in his eyes. FIJNEOREN Hester. I love you. I’ve always loved you. HUIS It was actually more recent for me, Pieter. But, I love you, too. FIJNEOREN Ga de prinses redden. Fijneoren dies, Huis cradles his head and begins to weep. Van Der Duim returns with the phone. VAN DER DUIM Can you ask him what his passcode is? INT. PALACE BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS Harrison-Prince is watching himself in the mirror, and slowly beginning to morph from the ugly Prince back into himself. HARRISON God I hate that guy. And then, the Real Prince’s reflection is there right beside Harrison. He signals for the surprised Harrison to be silent, holds a knife to his throat. REAL PRINCE (in that weird voice) Where is she? 110. ALICE (O.S.) (from in cubicle) I’ve told you to stop with the creepy voice, already. Jesus! I can’t find a thing in this ridiculous dress. Alice backs out of the cubicle, the Real Prince deftly changes victims. He boots Harrison into the cubicle where he smashes his head on the toilet and goes limp. The Real Prince then holds the knife to the throat of Alice. REAL PRINCE Hello, your Serenity. ALICE What the hell are you doing, Harald? REAL PRINCE First I’m going to take a trophy. The Prince is about to slice Alice’s ear off when a barelyconscious Harrison comes staggering from the cubicle. Head bleeding, he grapples with the Prince. ALICE Harrison! Watch out. The Prince slashes at Harrison with his knife, a deep, bloody gash across his chest. Harrison goes down in agony, The Prince grabs Alice again. REAL PRINCE Now, where were we? He’s about to execute the ear amputation, when the door bursts open. From Dik Van Der Kok’s vantage, it looks like Harrison is the Princess’s attacker. DIK YOU LITTLE FUCKER! He doesn’t get far, The Prince spins and slashes him across the throat. Down Dik goes in a geyser of blood. The door opens again and the Chief, Daisy and Huis enter. They stop dead in their tracks. There’s a lot of blood and what looks like two dead bodies. REAL PRINCE (knife to Alice’s throat) STOP RIGHT THERE! 111. HUIS Let her go, Harald. CHIEF Wie is die man? HUIS Prince Harald of Schleswig-HolsteinSonderburg-Glücksburg. Otherwise known as the Van Gogh Killer. REAL PRINCE Pleased to make your acquaintance. Now, step out of the way. Or I’ll add the Princess to my collection. On the bathroom floor, and looking barely alive is Harrison. His POV is foggy and blurred. He watches as Wim Hof, wearing the magnificent faux-ferret jacket, levitates up from inside the cubicle behind the Prince. HUIS Just let her go. It’s over. You’ll never escape. REAL PRINCE I want a hovercraft outside immediately. With a full tank of gas. From this angle, Harrison’s POV sees that The Prince is unaware of Wim Hof silently floating down directly behind him. CHIEF (perplexed) A hovercraft? REAL PRINCE An amphibious vehicle capable of traveling over land, water, mud, ice, and other surfaces. CHIEF I know what a—— Harrison watches as Wim Hof taps the Prince on the shoulder... When he turns —— BAM! —— Wim HEAD-BUTTS HIM STRAIGHT IN THE FACE. NORMAL VIEW: the Prince out cold on the floor at Harrison’s feet. Harrison wobbling from the force of the head-butt. Down he goes. Darkness... 112. And then, vaguely at first, we hear Wim Hof singing a gravelly version of Bowie’s “Heroes”... BICYCLIST (V.O.) “I, I will be king, and you, you will be Queen. Though nothing will drive them away, we can beat them, just for one day...” INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY Harrison, in bed and heavily bandaged, bruise on forehead, opens his eyes. The room is literally stuffed full with flowers and gifts and cards. Harrison sees the Bicyclist seated in a chair with guitar. BICYCLIST “Remember when, I remember, I remember when you lost your mind. She’s joined by Farrah for a lovely duet. FARRAH / WIM “There was something so pleasant about that place, Even your emotions have an echo in so much space...” BICYCLIST (to Harrison) Congratulations on making it to the end of the film. HARRISON (taken aback) You didn’t think I was going to? They both give him a wink before fading away before his eyes. HARRISON Thank Wim Hof for me! FIJNEOREN (O.S.) Who was that? Harrison looks over at the closed toilet door which Fijneoren is clearly occupying. FIJNEOREN (O.S.) Whoever they were, they’re great singers. WHERE’S YOUR BUDDY WITH OUR FOOD!? 113. EXT. HOSPITAL - CONTINUOUS Baptiste with a large bag of hamburgers arrives at the curb. He looks at the “SAINT GALL HOSPITAL” towering on the other side of the street and then what stands between him and his destination. It’s the busiest street in all of the Netherlands... Baptiste shudders as he watches the Dutch traffic whipping past. The usual cantas, trams, buses, bicyclists, horses, trucks, are joined by several huge vehicles that seem to have gotten lost on their way to a military parade in Red Square... Baptiste summons up the courage to take one step onto the street... And is nearly run over by a hovercraft. He retreats to the foot-path, sits, and begins weeping... WIM HOF (O.S.) Fear does not go away by itself. Wim Hof seats himself beside Baptiste. Zut. BAPTISTE WIM HOF Nice to see you again too, Baptiste. You know you have to confront your fear, mold it, then learn to control it in it's own irrational reality. BAPTISTE You’re not real. Not even in my irrational reality. Wim Hof begins his breathing exercises and eventually Baptiste admits defeat with a smile and joins in. WIM HOF I’ve brought a little bit of ice. He means the huge bath with an iceberg a few meters away. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - CONTINUOUS Harrison in bed reading a newspaper. 114. The sound of the toilet flushing, and Fijneoren emerging from the BATHROOM. He’s FaceTiming with Huis. FIJNEOREN Dat is goed mijn lief. Harrison's vriend brengt ons hamburgers. He blows a kiss into the phone. HARRISON Were you FaceTiming Hester while you were taking a crap? Fijneoren limps his way to the window. Headline visible in newspaper: EIGHT-YEAR-OLD GIRL ROBS AMSTERDAM LEGO STORE AT GUNPOINT. FIJNEOREN Can’t exactly do it while I’m taking a pee. That’d be dangerous. What if I dropped it in the toilet. HARRISON It’s an iPhone twelve. FIJNEOREN Da's waar. (view out window) Hey, Harrison. You need to come see this. Harrison hobbles his way to join Fijneoren at the window. Outside, an amazing sight. Baptiste and Wim Hof agilely running along the roof of a tram and then jumping from a truck to the roof of a canta where they balance precariously. FIJNEOREN Bestaat dat? Harrison just smiles and nods. FIJNEOREN He better not drop our burgers. That’s when several GEESE in V-formation (naturally) descend from the sky and begin to harry. 115. EXT. HOSPITAL - CONTINUOUS Up close, we can see all the balletic action is actually being performed by our two terrible Stunt Doubles from the academy. Last time they were Fijneoren and Huis, this time all they’ve changed is their clothes and a fake beard. Inevitably, the geese steal the burgers and fly into the sky. FIJNEOREN (O.S.) (you can hear him from here) FUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKK! The Wim Hof Double teeters on the front of the tram roof looking like he’s about to fall to his death. FIN