Lovely Rose De Guzman

ON UNCHARTED WATERS Once I had a vision. I was in the vast expanse of sea, on a boat just about my size, sailing to nowhere. In this vast expanse, I saw no sight of a shore on the horizon, not even a mirage of it; what I saw everywhere about me was deep blue waters in its boundlessness and immeasurability. I was overpowered by its vastness, and I feared drowning should my boat sink into the abyss. I also feared of the monstrous creatures under the sea lying in wait so that, in case my body submerge in the water, they would have their chance to attack and devour the defenseless me. I couldn’t paddle my boat. I couldn’t even move a finger. All I could do was stare before me and brood over where I shall go and when I shall reach a land. What added more to my torment was the capriciousness of the wind; it always changed direction thus tossing my boat deviously. I felt that I was in the worst of all situations. I, being in the vast expanse of uncertainty, soon doubted my own ability. I used to dream about becoming a voyager, one who travels far and wide and who fancies conquering new worlds and naming them after her. But just when the chance came, I felt like backing away because I found out I wasn’t a good navigator. I had a compass, a map, a pair of binoculars and all the other necessary materials for navigation, but all seemed unavailing after seeing emptiness in that crimson-and-deep blue vastness that engulfed me. I felt it was my fault. I didn’t heed the advice nor seek the help of those who had voyaged this Sea long before me. That’s because I wanted to row my own boat. I wanted to chart my own course. And yet, despite having a good deal of self-reliance and determination, I was still overcome by a recurring fear of the unknown. That fear was bordering on death- on retreating from the Sea, on living a passive life, on abandoning my dream, and therefore, on renouncing my right and my privilege to be a voyager. So that was it. I feared the unknown. I feared what uncertainty might bring. What if, after all my efforts at rowing the boat and all my energies have been exhausted, no land would ever be in sight? What if I sighted an island or two, where was I supposed to go ashore? And what if the shore I decided to settle on was inhabited by ferocious cannibals? Certainly, I wouldn’t dare risk my life on that! It was all this irrational musings that tortured me while sitting immobile for almost an eternity. On the other hand, as those thoughts agonized me, a more resonant voice kept resounding in my ears: “If you don’t act or do anything, you will be assailed by the tempest at an hour you don’t expect. Then your life will be over.” I wanted to flee that situation. But there was no way of turning back. After all, the only way to know where the shore is was to sail further. Despite having qualms and reservations, I grabbed my paddles and began to row with all my might. My shoulder blades ached as I pulled hard on the oars. My boat sailed smoothly to my relief, and I did notice that I was moving farther away from the spot I was before. But the sea, also mischievous and crafty, was sweeping my boat and I became frantic. The thought of an enormous sea creature eating me up alive was pestering me once again! I tried to cast it aside. But time and again, it bedeviled me like the Furies. I desperately needed help from anyone who could point me to the shore. Unfortunately, no other living form was there but me. I felt a deeper sense of loneliness. The same thoughts constantly nagged me. It was intolerable. I was expecting for a miracle, like a flash of light from the sky to guide me to my desired island. But even the sky had become so grim. The unruly wind blew discouragement. The waters waved with mockery. And there I was, all alone, with nothing but a sheer will to survive. I rowed against the current. It didn’t matter to me where I would head for. I was fuming mad and at the same time weeping for my hapless condition. The life of a voyager brought me disillusionment. At that moment, It was causing me pain. It was causing me endless suffering. I thought of giving up. So, without a moment’s hesitation, I released my hold on the paddles. As though the world around me had witnessed my resignation, everything went strangely still. The disquieting voices gradually died down. I looked around me. It was odd, but the stillness of that moment gave me a renewed sense of calmness. And I was able to fixed my eyes on the horizon. As I was trying to make sense of my situation, a placid voice from within me spoke again. And then, I heard her saying: “Somewhere beyond that point is the voyager’s haven. It may be a few miles away from here. It may only take about a couple of days to reach its shore. But before I can even get there, I have to sail across these immense waters and learn to deal with its unstable disposition. As for the wind and the sky, instead of treating them as my nemeses, they will be my mentors. I will adjust my sail towards the wind’s direction. I will constantly be vigilant of the sky’s warning of an impending storm so I can steer away from it as early as I can. And right, the compass and the map will always be my guiding instruments to lead me east- the point where I have fixed my eyes on. Then I will make use of my binoculars to visibly spot my target island. Finally, from this moment on, I will set my sail with more of courage and less of fear. This is the wager I will make with myself, the wager that produces heavy toils and sacrifices as it compels me to stand face-to-face with my sole adversary -not the sea nor the wind nor the sky- but my own fears. Those fears, if not warded off, will take captive of my whole being, hence making me forever be terrified of the sea. I will not allow that to happen. And I refuse to fall a victim for a circumstance that is beyond my control; just because it is uncontrollable I could not struggle with it. I will wage war against my fears to the very end”. The last words overwhelmed me. But those were the most liberating words I had said throughout that ordeal. It occurred to me that that moment, in the vast expanse of a sea, with all the hardships one could not imagine to encounter, was the turning point in my life. It was as if I had no choice but to surrender and yield to defeat. But actually I had a choice… and I chose to sail further and be a voyager. So off I sailed east. And there my vision ended. However, my voyage on the sea called Life continues—to the east, where the sun embraces and a land awaits each and every voyager who has decided to brave the sea and understood her heart’s desires.