Khadeejah Bello

ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK Fortunately, this has nothing to do with the TV series on female prisoners of the same name, of which I’m not particularly a fan. This is a satirical piece about how fashion now rules everything –literally- from the baby diapers we buy; to the popularity of an election candidate. Apparently, whoever designed prison wear must have been a genius because jumpsuits are still in. This column just wouldn’t feel complete if I didn’t dabble into a bit of fashion talk –sue me! Isn’t it amusing how fashion has come to stay as a way of life in the same way Agege bread and akara have become a cultural phenomenon in Nigeria? It is like a resurgence of the colonial era, except we’ve traded iron shackles and whips for the chains of a Louis Vuitton purse! We’ve come a long way from Eden, where leaves and apples were probably the only clothing material available to dear Adam and Eve. Now it’s all about silk, sequins, studded leather and the LBD, a la Coco Chanel. I knew there was a fundamental problem when I struggled to remember my states and capitals in secondary school, but could recite the A-Z of fashion designers in a beat. America’s Next Top Model became the creed of every teenage girl and of course we all became officers of the Fashion Police Force, passing our expert judgment on the wardrobe choices of everybody within a five kilometer radius of our eyes. And of course, we reveled in the addition of sophisticated jargon such as “fashion faux pas” and “that is so yesterday!” to our vocabulary. When an invitation card says the color code is ‘red’, you need to dial that RSVP number to know whether they meant tomato, crimson, auburn, apple, ruby, scarlet, or burgundy red. And when they tell you wine, you should confirm if it’s a light-bodied wine like cherry, or a full-bodied wine like marsala. You may need to explain that you mean marsala the color, not a chicken recipe……assuming the bewildered recipient of your call does not immediately delete you from the guest list. I learnt that a woman is simply never ready in fifteen minutes and to automatically factor in an extra hour of grooming time due to state emergencies like a broken heel, a run in nylon stockings, or ‘God forbid!’ –smeared mascara. Welcome to the world of fashion. Another aspect which I just cannot grasp is the never ending trends! Those high up the food chain a.k.a. the designers and couturiers steer the style boat wherever their creative imaginations take them while those lower down the food chain a.k.a. you and I(trendoids) scamper after them to stay afloat. And damn those trends, they come and go as they please. Whereas my friends would have laughed at me for wearing ‘color riot’ had I paired a purple top and yellow pants a decade ago, I would get away with it now since it’s color blocking. Wearing denim on denim was synonymous to committing first degree murder in the 90s, but now very fashion forward in 2015. People think hijab wearing women are spared this ‘idiocy’ as I fondly call it, since everything is covered up –basically a walking face. Trust me, sometimes they even overdo it, since you only get to indulge and show off within restricted quarters and to certain people. I know you know what I’m talking about! I cannot possibly fault anyone for wanting to look good or wear the ‘in’ clothes….who doesn’t? But I’m ever an advocate of moderateness, even in fashion. Before you splurge on that ‘exotic looking scarf’ or the same platform shoes you already have in four other colors, pause and take a deep breath –it’s really good therapy. Must you really go with the trend? Do you have surplus in your wardrobe at home? Does this item portray you in the way you want to be regarded? Does it pass the modesty test (after all, modesty IS vogue!). Can you afford it?? If after answering all these questions positively, you still think you would absolutely die if you do not snag them before the next pair of green eyes, then be my guest. Remember, fashion comes and goes, but you remain constant, which is why I leave you with the evergreen words of the fashion legend of all time, Coco Chanel: “I don’t do fashion, I am fashion”