Kevin Baldeosingh

Fear of four Kevin Baldeosingh My daughter Jinaki turned four last May, and is now a fearful child whereas before she was more independent. This started to happen a few weeks before her fourth birthday. She used to be quite comfortable staying in the study or living room by herself to play her games or watch her YouTube videos. If she needed something, she would come and get me in the bedroom or the study. After she used the toilet, I was able to leave by herself in the bathroom to wash her hands for five minutes (she liked soaping up). But then, suddenly, either me or her mother had to be with her even if she had to walk from the living-room to the bedroom to fetch something, and now I have to wait with her until she washed her hands (no more soapy bubbles games). Now, on the face of it, this is quite odd. One would expect that, as a child gets older, the sum of their fears should decrease as their understanding of the world grows. So I am not sure what is causing this I-don’t-want-to-be-alone phase with Jinaki. It’s not fear of ghoulies and beasties because, although vampires and zombies and witches are part of her mental landscape, she and I have been chatting for months now about how such creatures aren’t real. A regular question is, “Daddy, why magic not real?” (and I’m looking forward to the day when I can give her a physics-based answer) and over the past two weeks the discussion has been about why genies can only grant wishes to people who let them out of the bottle (Jinaki’s view is that genies should be able to grant wishes to everyone, to which my response is that then people would not enjoy getting the things they want). My best guess about her newfound timidity is that she is now more aware of other people as separate beings and, concomitantly, more self-aware. Psychologists have found that, around four years of age, children start developing what is called a “theory of mind”. Before, children assume that everyone else thinks exactly like they do – i.e. that everyone has the same wants and believes the same things. Neuro-psychologist Bruce Hood in his book The Self Illusion explains, “By the time they are around four years of age, an average child sees other people are being goal-directed, purposeful, and having preferences, desires, beliefs, and even misconceptions.” This naturally leads to self-consciousness about the child’s own preferences and beliefs, which may in turn create uncertainty where none existed before. Hood notes that children at this age “will copy imitate, mimic, and generally empathise with others, thereby signalling that they too are part of the social circles that we must all join in order to become members of the tribe.” So Jinaki’s insistence that someone always be with her may be just be symptomatic of this developing social sense. I hope she gets over it quick, though. I’m tired of traipsing up and down the corridor just so she can get her Elsa doll.