Katherine Carns

Katherine Carns ! TW ! They always said . . . that it would hit you out of nowhere. That when the time came there was nothing you could do, nothing you could say. I never believed in such rubbish. Who were they to tell me I couldn’t change it? Who were they to keep me stuck where I was, unchanging and unfeeling? So I jumped. And I failed. They warned me of the consequences, and I did not listen. I never felt the need to listen to their rambling. Now I wish I had listened closer. I wish I knew what to expect after. I wish I knew how to find something within me face it head on, give myself a running start, but I don’t, and my feet feel fixed in place here at the top of the world. Memories of my past failure holds tight to the last bit of me it can find. This time. This time it will be different. The wind pushes hard against my back and I reveal in its warmth. It wraps around me like a blanket, encasing me in safety and comfort. All too soon it leaves me again. Instinctively, my hands reach out after it, as though my soul yearns to follow. Spreading my fingers wide, my arm still outstretched, I watch the sun set from between my fingers. It shines confidently through the gaps in beams of auburn light. Looking to the sky I can see where the glow of the setting sun reaches into the shade of night as it overtakes the sky. The two mix together, swirling and creating stunning hues of golds and lilacs, crimsons and blues. Color has never looked this vibrant before. A single star peeks out from above me in the sky. It winks at me as if it means to give me encouragement or assurance of some kind. My attention is drawn to the ground and its city below. Sirens bellow beneath me and I watch the world whiz past. A stray cloud dances between us, as if to filter my view, setting me apart from the earth and I start to feel disconnected from it all. Wisps of my hair flow in front of my eyes as the wind greets me once more, more gently this time. Closing my eyes, I smile and take a deep breath, holding it until the wind passes me by. I let it out as if saying goodbye for the final time. And then I feel it, the surge that comes and goes as it pleases, not stopping to knock on the door before entering. Today I welcome it and it feels strange, as if it has been absent too long, like a part of me had gone missing. Still, I am wary of it. I worry what it will lead to and what happens when my feet finally move. I try and imagine what comes next, creating a scene in my head that will surely come to pass if only I allow my feet to become unbound. I can feel it swell within me and I know that at its peak I must let go. That it needs to be now, or I will lose my resolution that had got me this far. Fortunately, my fear that I will return to the unchanging, unfeeling city beneath me is greater than that of the surge. I wait, feeling it build and build until I sense it cresting over like a wave just before crashing into itself. With a shaky breath I release my feet from their stubborn hold, and I jump once more. It’s a familiar sense of your stomach falling out from under you, but this time it spreads through my veins and resonates in my ears. The wind hisses angrily. It stings my face, trying desperately to catch me. My skin tingles almost as if vibrating and the ringing in my ears grows louder. I close my eyes and watch the last auburn rays of sunlight fall dark behind my eyelids. I see nothing but static. I feel the world shift around me. When I open my eyes again, I am not falling this time, but flying.