Jordan Loven Pableo

I am someone anyone would despise once they know what really happened. I mean, I was simply friendly, kind, caring, but radically, I fell in love. I mean this is not all bad, until you will know what institution I stood up for. I have been thinking about this since the night she took me away to a fantasy I never thought I would experience in my life. It was a painful yet sweet disaster. But the truth is this sad news – from one year ago. She is pregnant. Yes, she came to me early in the morning before my bedroom door and showed me her pregnancy test kit. I never understood what it shows but she told me I was going to become a father. Sad, yes, but I also feel happy at the same time. I mean, does any man want to know they are fertile and will be able to have someone they can call their own? Yet, that made the story even sadder. I sober up to the idea that I would become a father. Why is that? I am a priest. Not just any priest, I am a parish priest. I will not tell you which parish I serve or which diocese I am from but I am a cleric, a servant of the Church. Yes, I know people will mock me for doing this under my service yet things have gone wrong in the most auspicious ways. I understand I was quite the chick magnet during my seminary years yet I never thought this would happen after I decided to be ordained to the priesthood. Yes, people will mock me for breaking my vows but should I curse God after receiving a blessing such as this? The girl I loved was my girlfriend from the past. It is troublesome that she never left my side even after I became a priest. She told me she cannot love anyone else. She understood the stakes she would face when people would know about our relationship. I mean, this has been like this even during my seminary years. I kept my phone inside so I can always contact her. Theology became a gateway for me to see her more often – even bringing her inside the dormitories without the formators knowing. I know people would mock me for this but it already happened. Fast forward to nine months since that news, I find myself faking a hospital visit just to see her labor her baby – our baby. Her father was beside her, though he never knew I fathered her daughter’s child. Her family was very close to the Church and knowing this news between me and her child would break their hearts and, eventually, their trust in the parish. It is a shame I cannot stand up and become a father. Instead, I fake my support to her child like a priest to his parishioners. This has gone way out of bounds but I would like her to feel that I still cared even though this child would break a huge scandal in the eyes of the faithful. Looking back at these five years later, I felt I have the need to fulfill something else outside this parish. Seeing my child go to kindergarten for the first time, in the school this parish manages, I wanted to be there to support him and become a father that I am. My kid use to call me “Father” and I thought it was his grandparents who taught him that. My girlfriend continues to tell me stories about our child’s development – from his first word “Dre” up to the child’s penchant for religious items around the house. It is quite horrendous but fascinating at the same time. This has left me in great wonder. However, I could no longer hold the feeling of telling him that I am his “real” father and how I loved him. Even though she brings our child to the parish every now and then, I don’t want him to grow without someone who he can see as a male parent and who will be his support for the rest of my life. I wanted to do it but the call of the Church is way bigger than my desires. Yes, I continue to become a priest without further hesitation because I found meaning in this service, amidst the fact that I have broken my vows. I kept this from my Bishop for fear he will reduce me from my parish duties yet someday, things will be clear to me and confess this somehow. I am a priest. I am also a father. I have a child. I have the children of God. I sustain my girlfriend and our child with basic needs while sustaining the faithful with their spiritual needs. You think I am really this bad now? Do you think God will judge me and sentence me to hell for being in love? I know this is hard but I still believe that prayer brings me answers.