Jordan Loven Pableo

I understand at first that it was just all about the sex. Like downloading the phone application because I felt horny that night, I thought it was just that and will end up the same. Yes, I had a lot of guys the same as me looking for the same sensation, but it was different when I met him. Grindr, Tinder, Blued, Hornet, call every gay social network you know and gays like me would only say it is made for fun. Yes, it is fun knowing other men who feel the same way as I am but it was different when all else turns into love. You know what; this is something I do not want to share even to myself because I felt it would all be the same as my past relationships – ending up in morbid thoughts and melancholic trances. Yes, everything that made me lose the feeling of love fell apart when I first saw him. I thought it was just about the sex. I understand that night was merely boring so I look out for fun stuffs. I really love it that way but everything went differently with him. Call me horny but it is an overstatement. Being in bed with him is considered to be more precious than winning a huge sum of money. It was all about feelings – from hesitations, to conjugation of thoughts, and ending up falling in love with him. Then, I started to open up about dating him. It is simply because I want to know him more. Maybe, I also use the time to check if this feeling would only pass for about three days. However, I still long for him all the more. Yes, the distance is short for me to see him but I believe this is not a hindrance. I had a farther distance traveled to meet one guy I loved but all else feel apart. Yes, I am still heartbroken so I believe this is mere infatuation. I understood this feeling is completely temporary. This is the sad part. Because I doubt, I almost fell out of romance. Yet, because I learned to love again after all the failures I had to endure to obtain this feeling again, I got lost in this wonderful fantasy. Again, this is the sad part. We’ve been dating but nothing is really putting me and him together – making me and him an “us”. I understood it is early but I truly enjoyed his company and his affection. I’m totally a person with a short attention span but, with him, it all changes. It is the first time that I felt happy just by looking at his face all night, just by holding him beside me, the simple smooch we make, the food we shared, and even the silence we both endure together, it all worked perfectly fine for me. So, why not take this to the next level? Though I do not want to ruin this wonderful relationship with him by this insecurity I have for myself, I also do not want my insecurities to come true right before my very eyes. He’s handsome so I fear that much. And then, I remembered the sad truth I had to endure in his company – he is with a woman. I already understood that he is a mere bisexual person but could I not make him choose one path? That will be so nagging of me to make him choose this early. Seriously, I had to face this agony every day because I choose to love him every single day we spent together, even the times when we were apart. Oh, how I love to hold him tight like I usually do to him every night before I got hit by this sad reality I am waking up each day. I know I love to be in his arms every morning, kissing him before going to work, and serving him in all instances. Yes, I definitely want to be with him for the rest of my life. But all is a fantasy worth nothing short of imagining myself to be likened by him. I still do not understand if he really likes me but his gestures and signs made me believe in his love all the more. I want to cling to it even it makes me crazy, even if I fell to stupidity clinging all the more to this wonderful fantasy. Are we dating? Yes, we are. Are we together? Yes, we are. Are we in love with each other? Now that is a serious question to answer. Nonetheless, I want to let him know that I really love him. I would cling to all his lies, get broken by his talk about his previous hookups and relationships, and shattered in the fact that he may not want to be with me in the end. Truly, I would not forsake each moment in this melancholic thoughts but I would take time to sit down and cry all these heartaches and continue to love him with my whole life. Is this love? Truly, I know it is.