Jordan Loven Pableo

It was a sad story, a really sad one, in fact. Though everyone is able to experience sadness in their own ways, my sadness goes down to the level of anxiety and depression. I am someone who shouldn’t be this way lest people judge me and the institution I represent. I felt awkward when I encounter people and I found a specific group to be tempting at some point. There are those who judge people like me because they find my emotions and cravings as evil. Yet, this is a horrendous prospect but one that provides pleasure that only a few can experience. To begin this sober truth, I am a person you may know. You will see me a lot in church, doing something only a few could. I have been through a lot of functions where people praise me and get amused by my words and actions especially the times that I speak about what is good and holy. Yes, I am a priest but not the ordinary priest you know. I am a gay priest. I am quite queer with my views on sexuality when I look at people of my same sex. I am gay but I do not intend to show it to people because they will flee in horror upon knowing the sad truth. Only a few knows about my real self, especially those I knew during the time I am still in seminary. People I knew trust that my feelings are good and my inclinations normal. However, I usually get to talk to the senior ones – those who really find the Scriptures and the Church a rule to follow to the letter. Yes, that is correct. But how about what I feel? I think I cannot control it. I know I cannot stop this until I recognize it. I asked my friends about this feeling and they cite Pauline’s. How about real talk? How about someone more relevant than general truths? It becomes so sad to think about the prejudice of being gay and being a priest. On my ordination day, I already embraced the fact that I have to leave myself behind. Seriously, that helped me continue to remain as priest. That was ten years ago. But now, judging from the time I stopped becoming a homosexual and started becoming a post of faith and morals, I am now seeing myself at an impasse. Only the fact that I have to choose on becoming a priest, the guidepost of morals, versus the aspect of homosexuality where I can be free, is the main reason why I think this way. I know this is foreboding towards relieving me from this pain from the pressures of my position. Yet, in the manner that I am bound to be happy, I am not choosing any of them. There will always be a silver lining in a stormy cloud. It is best that I choose nothing than becoming an advocate of one and gain trouble about the other. Yet, I understand this should not be long enough. It is imperative that I follow something, follow my heart and continue to pursue for my happiness. Yes, I am happy serving the people in their faith and their everyday lives yet do I also need to forget giving myself the chance of happiness for being who I really am? People will push me to follow what is really good. But what is good, anyway? I believed this world holds no certainties, only beliefs and hearsays, and even the occult nature of my ego would go towards the drain of hellish judgment. People will tell me what to do? God is there observing my thoughts and my actions. All I can do is pray, but what? It is a sad story. But one where an ending is longer than the road I must take. My dilemma is like the road of life – it only reaches until the end. Yes, I believe God is there waiting for me to understand His wishes for me but I am deeply mystified about it. Theology still left me clueless in the prospects of my real identity, of my real self. Be it a guide for me to understand the prejudices of other people but I am also sad because I have to judge my prejudices. It is morbid to say I must end this life for good, but it is also sober to live in this confusion to which an answer is longer than the pondering of this bittersweet question. Yes, I am a priest. I am gay. This truth shall remain until I begin to see things clearly. The spirit is strong but the flesh is weak. You say it would be better off becoming a manwhore than becoming homosexual, but one will only understand me when they know me. So sad that I have to think this way but this is the truth. I must concede on my opinion but I am open to the answers when it dawns on me – someday.