Holly Walrath

Session 1 As I entered the room I performed my ritual, smiling and greeting anyone along the path to my seat. Simultaneously, everyone scrammed to take their seats leaving an empty silence for a brief moment. Faces were blanketed with anticipation for my indication to get started. I don’t think anyone has yet to realize that I always allow the room to grasp about 120 seconds; which gives everyone time to focus their minds for the task ahead. As everyone sat in the circle looking at each other in all directions, I asked, “Who would like to be the first to share?” As they all sat with empty countenance waiting to see who will be the brave one, slowly Leona erected her hands with the most pleasantly tranquil tone, she echoedechoing across the room, “I would will do it.” I stated, “Thank you Leona, we are delighted.” After a trenched deep breath she commenced. “My parents got married at a very young age, they both were 15yrs fifteen years old. Too young if you ask me! Father always worked, for him it was from one job to the next. Mother was a house wife whom just focused on me and father whenever he was around. At times I can still smell the scent of those pecan pies that she often made for my dad. The smell would décor the entire house. Mother was a great cook. She even cooked for the neighbors.” With a smile she statedcontinued, “Cooking, that’s the only thing I didn’t learn from her, sadly.” The saddest day in our lives was three hours after my fifth birthday party. We had such a beautiful day; father was “Mr. MagicTroll.” He gave candies to all the children for giving the right answers to questions he asked. Everyone won; he asked the easiest and funniest questions. That was his rule to cross over his “Magic Candy Bridge.” He asked me, “If my hair was green and cheeks were peach would that make me a nectarpeach? We laughed so much that day! As a tear scrolled down her plumb cheeks, she Leona tilted her head backwards while taking a deep breath. Silences awaited her next words. After a moment she continued, “I never saw him acted so silly like that day.” I had so many toys I could have opened my own toy shop. My mother cooked so much food as if she thought the entire village was coming. I don’t think I ever had that much fun. After everyone left mother was helping me organize my toysgifts?. There were toys everywhere. Then we suddenly heard this rumbling sound as if people were marching in the house. My mother went out to see what the noise was as she called to father. Then I heard her made a loud scream, “Tevonnnn,” calling my father by his name. I ran out to see what all the noise was about and there my parents both were laying on the floor. My mother was kneeling over my dad screaming and crying, “What’s going on.” Having such a peaceful look on his faceThe look on my father’s face was strangely peaceful, but he held his hands to his chest as his body shooked erratically. Immediately there was knockinga knock came on the door, it was Ms. Cinta, our neighbor. She called the paramedics. Ms. Nez, another neighbor, she came to the door as well and started to perform CPR along with placing a spoon in his mouth as she instructed my mother to hold it. After the paramedics came and took him we all went to the hospital. Shortly after we arrived, the doctor came out and told us that my dad was in critical condition. “Can I please get some water?” Leona requested as she simultaneously placed both hands on her head and took multiple deep breaths. Candi, sitting only three seats away from her quickly got up and served her a bottle of water. She Leona drank as she attempted to hold back the tears. I encouraged her to take her time and that she was doing great! She continued, “The doctor informed us that it was evidence of multiple seizures and asked if he was on treatment.” Mother was astonished, she told the doctor that this was the first time this ever happened and that there was no medication! The doctor told us that it was evident that this was a recurring issue and there had to be treatment involved. My mother was devastated! I guess his attacks always came when he was at work and he kept them a secret from us. The doctor encouraged us to pray and hope for the best as we wait, anything is possible. I’ll never forget this short Indian lady dressed in green that looked like a teenager who came through the double doors. “Dr. C’Tell…., with urgency she beckoned to the doctor like it was an emergency. She whispered something to him and quickly they left the room. The waiting area was so cold Ms. Cinta asked the nurse for some blankets to cover my little frame. As I started to fall asleep Ms. Nez suggested going to the hospital’s chapel to pray for father’s recovery. They all agreed.! Meanwhile, my mother was so quiet as if her mind was someplace else. I think she was afraid or just quietly focusing on the best outcome. As we were preparing to leave for the chapel Dr. C’Tell greeted us again for the last time! She stated that, father had multiple blood clots to the brain and was not able to make it, he was pronounced dead at 9:06pm. This was the beginning of the end for us. Here is the hardest moment to swallow. That moment brought a feeling that was so unbearable and indigestible even to this day. While placing her right hand on her chest with glossy red eyes, Leona took a few deep breaths, inhaling and exhaling. Leona then continued by saying, My mother being a house wife for so many years now had to find work to support us. She worked odd jobs with funny shifts that kept her from home, so, I had to stay at the neighbors after school until mother arrived. The money she made from working along with the insurance payoff from father’s death only covered the mortgage payments for about six months. Then the house went into foreclosure. The following year, my mother was fortunate enough to sell to a group of investors. After paying all the legal fees and everything else – my mother was paid a short tip over $1,000. She cried many times as she dearly wished she worked when father was alive. Sometimes I think that she blamed all we went through on him, but he was just the remnant of a hardworking man that wanted to be the best for his family. Father took very good care of my mother; he overlooked all her needs. We had nice cars and clothing while father was here. Mother always told me stories of all the places she traveled with him. Based on what my mother told me, my parent’s had a very exciting life together. Mama applied for government assistance but the waiting list was ridicules ridiculous so that never was did us any good. The following year we were force to live in homeless shelters or some nights we had to sleep in parks if we reached back to the shelters too late. It was not that bad only during the winter because it was hard to find good places to hide from the cold. I could still remember her telling me stories of Mr. Cloud. Mama said Hhe was the children’s superhero who protected all the children during night hours. Once you are out in the open the clouds were your shade, Mr. Cloud would protect you. Not until I got older I realizeddid I realize how she was so creative she was with all those stories— just so I would not be afraid in those parks at night. Knowing all that I know now, mother did a great job by keeping me safe and not allowing the Department of Social Service to take me away from her. Every staff member in every shelter knew us by name. I can remember Ms. Nuna, she was the sweetest lady, she would always give me extra food and she even gave me clothing from her grandchildren. Ms. Nuna called me Pumpkin! I was short and round like a pumpkin in those days. Now, I am 5’9”, slim and weighing in at 135lbs, far from a pumpkin, more like a carrot, hah hahhah… The pumpkin was in another life. I think that I am so self-conscience of my weight because how I was when I was younger. In the middle of everything, mother would always make sure that we prayed and read the bible every night. We use to pray that GodOD would send us an answer the next day! I can remember always asking my mother if God went away, she always smiled and said, “it takes time for God to deliver what we are requesting baby.” If it was not for my mother I would have probably hate God for not helping us sooner. I use to miss so many days from school and I changed school frequently because mother was trying to make sure that the schools did not pick up on our situation. If the school guidance counselor or teachers knew what we were going through they may have called social services and have me taken away. I wonder if life would have been better for me if I did go into foster care. I heard about some children doing good that were in care but there those bad stories that mother and I always chatted about. Anyway, after a few weeks of no income, little food and watching me hurt, mama was able to build up the courage to start selling herself. That was her way to make sure that we would have money to get a motel and something to eat. Sometimes I would go with her if the men seem. Otherwise, she left me to hide in parks or bushes until she returned. Always I would cry until she return, it was scary. After a while I would always find comfort in Mr. Cloud. As crazy as it sounds, I loved the men that I could have ride along with just to stay with her. Some men would pay extra if she would allow me to watch. One man wanted me to rub his head while mama was on the top of him. Aaaahhhhhh….! Excuse me for the crying but men are such cold hearted dogs! If I could, I would %$??<>?/=+#(…! I was just a child. Those men had families, they had children of their own. Why would you take advantage of a vulnerable woman and her child? I think that the happiest day in our lives was when a friend of my father saw us walking and stopped to give us a ride. When we got into the car, my mother said to me, “Say good day to Uncle Charlie.” She always wanted me to be respectful to everyone; I miss her so, so much! Because of her I even address my peers, Yes or No Sir/Mam. as Sir or Ma’am. He was also pleased to see us; they talked about my father and how I look so much like him. Uncle Charlie told my mother that he thought we moved away to family. He asked if we was hungry, ‘French Fries!,’ I shouted. French fries, hHe laughed. He carried us and took us to get something to eat. As we ate I heard him telling my mother that we could stay with him and he could also help her get a job. I was so happy; I started to pray, thanking God for answering our prayers. I guess thought God had returned from his vacation to answer our many prayers! We went to a park to ate and talk I guessed. I played while mama and uncle conversed. As I played they sat on the hood of the car and watched me. I can still see the joy on her face that day! As I indulged myself in catching butterflies and swinging on the swings, I did not notice them sitting on the car. I thought mama left me, I was so afraid! Silly me, the car was still there so she could have went far. I ran over to the car, when I looked through the window, mother was performing oral sex on Uncle Charlie. I didn’t know what she was doing at the time. He looked at me rolling his eyes as he tapped mother on the shoulder, signaling my presentce. It was as if he did not even care that I saw. Charlie looked like he was more disturbed that I interrupted them. Mother was so staggered, she called me to her, hugged me and said, “I am just saying thank you to uncle for helping us.” I knew something was not right, I said, “Can we leave.” We left and went Charlie drove us to our new home. No one said a word until we arrived at Uncle Charlie’s home. When we got to his house, he introduced us to his wife and two sons. One of his sons was my age at the time, 4years old, and the other was 9years old. They allowed me to play with their toys and games, I had a family. His wife made beds in the garaged for us. She was very hospitable. I was just happy to not have to sleep in the park that night. After the first week, his wife and sons left for two weeks to visits family members. Aunt Sara, his wife, got my mother a job with a cleaning company. Life was getting better for us after God sentd an answered prayer. Seeing that uncle worked from home on his computer, he would keep me while mama went to work. It was like daddy was livingalive again. Mama would sleep in auntAunt Sara’s bed with Uuncle Charlie, while I slept in my own bed in the garage. One day while mama was at work uncle Uncle Charlie and I played games on his computer. We were having so much fun! We watched movies and he made snacks just like daddy did. Uncle lifted me in his arms and asked me, “Are you ready to thank uncle?” I hugged him and said I love you, you is just like daddy, then I kissed him. He then replied, “Thank me like how you saw mama thanking me.” He took me in the bath room and sat on the toilet and I thanked him. I kept stopping because it tasted bad, but he refused to let me stop. He ejaculated in my mouth and I choked. At the same time mama was knocking on the door. He kissed me and said, “I am going to let you have fun tomorrow, do notdon’t tell mama you thanked me.” One day when his family was back in town, me and Jimmy was playing on the swings. I was so happy that he allowed me to play with his toys I asked him if he wanted me to thank him and he just look at me in a strange way. I then zipped his pants down and started to thank him. Immediately his mother came running out of the house and yelling, “What are you doing?” When she got close, she pulled us apart. My mother came running outside as she was alarmed from the noise, Aunt Sara asked, “Where did you learn that?” I was so afraid, I started crying, and she insisted that I answer. I replied, “I wanted to thank him likme Mmama thanked Uncle.” My mother started screaming and holding her head, she ran into the house screaming, “NO, NO, NO, it can be…” Aunt Sara hugged me and said, “it is going to be alright.” She was crying as she held me! I know that it has been so long ago that this happened, but it still hurts so much, I do not mean to cry, Leona explained. At times, when I think back, I feel as if I am re-experiencing those days all over again. I have been a lesbian for the past 10yrs. I tried dating men, but I cannot help but to see them as pirates, just out to take everyone’s treasure, like Uncle Charlie. Lately, as I have been watching the news frequently, seeing the predators destroying those children’s life, I have been having visions of murdering men. I HATE IT!!!