Eghesose Agbale

SEX AND MONEY I know what you’re thinking—and you’re close. Sex and money have been intricately interwoven throughout history and cultures. But I’m not talking about the world’s oldest profession. I’m talking- about money and sex inside a marriage—financial difficulties may damage a couple’s sex life. If you’ve ever been trapped in that unique form of hell, you know, in turn, that this leads to a new set of tensions, establishing a new front in the fight of frustrations already raging in the home. Maybe it’s a scenario where one spouse imposes dictatorial control over the finances or the other spouse is spending cavalierly. Maybe there’s a trust problem at play when one spouse lies about the money and secretly—or overtly—spends the family or into bankruptcy. Maybe it’s simply that the stress of making ends meet makes neither partner especially randy. Whatever the source, money is not only a strong aphrodisiac, it’s a powerful saltpeter as well, dousing am- orous flames and, because a good sex life is important to marital pleasure, pushing couples apart emotionally. I was once interviewing a lady about the financial troubles she and her husband were battling with. He had overspent by $50,000 on home renovations without telling her, effectively wiping out their savings and racking up big bills on multiple credit cards; had changed jobs 8 times in 13 years, generally for no reason, leaving him with no job security, no consistent work history, and no retirement savings plan to speak of; and had convinced her to cash in her 401(k) retirement account to access money. The eventual outcome was that the family’s residence went into foreclosure and the couple was forced to file for bankruptcy. After outlining that list of financial issues, the lady I was interviewing started with a sigh of irritation, “And he wonders why I don’t want to be personal with him. I don’t trust him. If I don’t shut off the sex, I would lose who I am, and I would be hiding all this fury I have.” Their sex life, she claimed, had shrunk from several times a week to barely once or twice a month, angering him and creating additional disputes. “The saddest part,” she continued, “is that he doesn’t believe he’s done anything wrong. He simply doesn’t realize what the financial issues he created have done to me, to us.” Though there are surely numerous causes for sexual dysfunction that go well beyond money, if you find yourself wondering why your spouse appears uninter- tested in intimacy, or maybe you’re the one who shuns it, make an honest as- assessment of your financial situation. Do issues or stressors exist? Are you financially dominant over your spouse, or do you feel financially dominated? Is the debt level so substantial that the family’s income fails to meet the monthly payback needs, producing an inability to save, develop financial stability or enjoy life? Is one of you using sex as a weapon to punish the other for financial difficulties you don’t know how to solve or may not even be cognizant of? Whatever the case, sex—specifically, the inexplicable absence thereof—can be a signal of financial hardship that couples aren’t always tuned into. People don’t instantly link sex with money in their marriage, yet, as with the lady I was interviewing, money concerns often flow over into a couple’s sex life. Pay attention to the warning signals when you see them, or even believe you see them, and you may begin to neutralize issues before they develop into something more difficult to handle. You have to analyze this honestly. You can’t persuade your- self that you’re doing no wrong and that the fault lies with your spouse. That will never get you anywhere and will harm your relationship over time. Marriage is as challenging an assignment as you’ll ever have, and it needs you to put some work into the self-evaluation process. You undoubtedly know where the issues lie, you’re simply too terrified to confront them or to accept that just maybe you’re incorrect. And, so, the manifestation is that your sex life suffers. It’s the canary in the coal mine, so to speak. Sex dies when money is causing stress. Who wants to be intimate with someone they’re increasingly mad at.