IELTS_SampleEdit
Cambridge English IELTS 8 Test 1 Writing Task 2
Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
It is An argument is commonly argued existed that whether parents or schools should be responsible for the children's quality education. Personally,As for me, I believe that even though every individual should be acted as a model for the younger generations, parents represent an authoritative figure, are actually a dominant powerand should to teach their own children how to be a good person. members of a society.
Parents are a child's the first teachers who can enlighten and mold their children’s minds and behaviourrs. According to Piaget’s Cognitive Development Psychology, childrenpeople start to learn and imitateing since they arewere born, which means children would consciously observe and study their parents’ characteristicsbehaviour and language. Therefore, compared towith the school's curriculum, which accepts children as young as education that usually begins six years laterold, parents have already been their “teachers” for years, and have greatly influenced their children’s personalities as well. So, in order to culture a good social memberteach their children to be good members of society, parents should pay great more attention to their own educational approaches and standards.
In addition, parents shouldare able to conduct their own individualized education at home, because while schoolssome schools may offer superficial education to their children. are incapable to do that. Taking Chinese primary schools as a leading example, a supervisor must care for nearly 40 studentspupils. It has been universally acknowledged and agreed upon, that students’ security and health should be the topa priorityies, which is certain to give risecompensate to the lack of qualitativey education. On the contrary, Hhowever, parents know their child best, and can provide the right education.do not have the similar confusion. They have enough time to communicate with theirthose curious young children, and will try their best to know understand their inner feelings and helplead them to become a better person.
Based on what I have mentioned above, I am convinced that parents are an important influence in a child's life, and they can guide them on how to become good members of a societyof utmost importance to cultivate children how to be a good builder of society. Parents are They are eminent,one of the most experienced and exclusive resourceful teachers of the youngfor the young.
OVERALL SCORE: 5.62
TASK RESPONSE: 7.5
COHERENCE AND COHESION: 5
LEXICAL RESOURCE: 5
GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY: 5
1. Task response
I would like to state the fact that you have addressed the task accordingly, and you have provided some good insight on the topic in question.
2. Coherence and Cohesion
Writing a coherent and well-built argument is important. You need to be clear, concise, and to link your ideas with appropriate introductory adverbs such as "furthermore", "however, "moreover", etc. If you had used these, your arguments would have been linked better. You did use a few introductory adverbs; however, your paper is not strong enough from an argumentative point of view. At one point, you used "On the contrary", when it would have been more appropriate, given the nature of your statement, to use "However".
3. Lexical resource
Overall, your paper needed a lot tweaking, rewriting and restructuring. There were some sentences which made little sense and were vague. For example, "Based on what I have mentioned above, I am convinced that parents are of utmost importance to cultivate children how to be a good builder of society. They are eminent, experienced and exclusive teachers of the young." If you'll read my alternative for this sentence, you will understand how inconsistent your original sentence is. I would advise you to enrich your vocabulary by any means possible, if you do, you'll see a tremendous difference in your writing.
4. Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Your grammar needs improving, and you also need to be careful to maintain a high-level of accuracy, otherwise your paper looks sloppy, and may be difficult to understand.
Let's take your first sentence as an example, "An argument is commonly existed that whether parents or schools should be responsible for children’s quality education." This sentence is not just grammatically incorrect, but it also lacks accuracy, which is a problem. Most of your sentences needed to be restructured or rewritten entirely, just to help you get your message across. I'm sure that if you take time to improve on your grammar you will write top-notch papers in the future. It takes a little practice, but the results will be worth it.