Dhannalyn Villa

The Unknown Sickness For a 21 years old like me, stories should start like how I found the person I love and how we fight for this since we are young. But that doesn’t count on me. At 21 years old I only experience being in a relationship once. That was almost 6 years ago when I was still in my junior year in high school. I remember how I secretly dated before with my then boyfriend. However, I feel like I don’t really like the guy and I just want to experience the things that my best friends told me. I was a straight A student that time and I’m very close to our class adviser. She told me to quit our relationship. We did call it quits after the school for some reason that I don’t know. I never asked and I never will. I’m a kind of person that don’t want to talk much, I’m not a strict one but they call me talkative sometimes especially when I’m with my friends. At a young age of 16 I entered my college degree, Studying Bachelor of science in Accountancy, that’s what they call it that time. The said course is one of the most difficult course in our country and I can have proved that to you because at the end of my senior year I drop out of the course and shifted from another one. But I always think that “is it really because it’s difficult”. after graduating for lower degree than accountancy, which is Accounting Technology I realize I shifted not because it’s simply difficult (well Of course it’s difficult) but because I started to Lose confidence on myself and slowly building up depression. YES! I CALL DEPRESSION AS UNKNOWN SICKNESS!! I realize that one day. 3 months before my graduation December 19 of 2017, when I just got up and open my facebook account a friend of mine shared in our group chat the death of certain person. That was Jonghyun of Shinee a Korean Boy Band Lead singer who died in a possible suicide with a coal Briquette. I was like how come he died? I cry that time, I feel pity for jonghyun for taking down his life so easily. Then everything open up. It was depression, it was the reason why he collapses that easily. It so hard to believe because 2 days before that I watch him laugh so hard in one of korea’s variety show. I cried for almost a week watching how hard it is for his bandmates and friends especially his family. But then I realizes one day it’s hard for him too. A month after the graduation I decide to part ways with my parents and live in my own 1000 kilometers away from them. I know its hard but I have to strived to learn and expand my knowledge and work at the same time. I live together with my 2 cousins and a friend of mine since childhood. That time I work from home and I usually take my time watching videos on youtube. However, there is this pop advertisement come about being away from my family and makes me burst a lot of tears. In that moment I started to feel empty and alone. Every time my friends from my previous work call me to hangout I always say that I’m busy. I started to feel alone that time, and also started to make my barriers. I don’t know what im doing. The other parts of my brain is saying to go out have fun and be a girl at my age. But the other part saying that I should stay and never hangout cause it’s a waste of time. Then one day my mind unconsciously started to point out bad memories from the past. ńI told you about how I am straight A student right. But aside from that I am also bullied ever since I am young. I am actually fat and ugly, they don’t actually bullied me in my face but they bullied me and saying bad things behind my back. Most of the friends that I have only use me for them to graduate peacefully. Another memory is that I also got a lot of beating from my mom on things that I don’t know what I’ve done wrong. At young age I always think about what life after this. I always think about the face of my mom in disappointment after I graduated only in third place instead of being on top. I always thinks that I am a very big disappointment for my mom especially when I decide to shift course from the professional that she wanted me to be. My mind keep popping out things that I wasn’t supposed to be thinking. And then I realizes after being alone for several months not going out with friends and not having fun at all I am slowly creating the demon inside. Every night I cry with no reason at all. Until one day I realize while holding a knife that it’s not good for me because I see knife as a different kind of things now. While thinking about things another truce between me and my cousin happen. It really hurts me a lot to have a hard feeling from them so I started to point out myself as the reason of the fight. That night I just found the best solution to stop the non-sense in my mind. And the solution that I get is not suiciding, but rather opening up to your family. I just came to realize what will happen to my family if I decide to leave. I don’t want to make them cry. Although i am very ready to give my heart to God, I don’t want to spoil it by giving it to him instead of him getting it from us. We just borrow our lives to them so better live with it than kill it right? When I realize that it’s not really a good influence for me to stay in that shabby and empty house. I decide to go back from one and get the guideline of my family. Family is the smartest medicine a people need in times of depression. They are the smartest best in giving you small advice for you. I know I mention about how me and my mom have before. But it’s all in the past now. I really think about everything she did is that to make me learn my lesson and mature enough since I am the eldest to my siblings. My relatives help me a lot with this unknown sickness of mine. As per this writing I am currently meditating and fighting this sickness with them. And I can say that this is working a lot. Thanks to them I smiled again. Smiled Happily and Genuinely like I was a baby with no problems at all. Thank you for reading this. I hope that you got my message in your hand. Always thinks that death isn’t the solution at all. Solutions are always given by God Almighty whenever he gives us problems. You just have to open your eyes for more choices.