Creshonda Smith

 Reflection Paper: Personal Triggers Creshonda Curry 6 February 2013 SWK 7515/Crisis Intervention Professor Olate There have been many instances in my lifetime that have caused me to take a step back and examine myself. Throughout the course of my life I have encountered many experiences that have ultimately shaped who I am today. The first situation that I developed a “trigger” to occurred when I was 10 years old and I was in a horrible car accident with my mother and two younger sisters. My youngest sister was a newborn who had been born with clubbed feet and she was having a surgery to correct the problem. The doctors had previously given my mother a prescription for pain relief once the anesthesia had worn off. The medicine had been left at home and we had stopped over my grandmother’s house briefly after the surgery had taken place. My little sister began to cry really loudly and it was apparent that she was in a lot of pain. My mother wanted to rush home immediately but was extremely tired from having stayed up all the night before the surgery. My grandmother advised her to stay and take a nap first but she couldn’t bear to know my sister was in so much pain. My mother decided to gather us and head home. Halfway home my mother fell asleep at the wheel and hit a telephone pole. At the time I and my two younger sisters were asleep in the backseat. The newborn was strapped safely in her car seat, my two year old sister was strapped down in her booster seat, and I was sitting between the two, no seat belt on at the time. My mother was wearing her seatbelt and still suffered minor injuries such as a few knee contusions, and neck spasms. My youngest sister was perfectly fine and so was my other sister besides a small knot on her forehead. However, because I wasn’t wearing a seatbelt my face smashed into the arm rest of the car upon hitting the pole and impact. I broke my nose and my jaw, a tooth in the bottom row of my mouth went through my lip, I split my bottom row of gums in half and immediately began having seizures due to traumatic shock. I cannot remember any of this because shortly after that I slipped into a coma before I reached the hospital. I was in a coma for about 2 days with internal bleeding in my brain as well as a profuse amount of scratches on my face and broken bones. When I awoke I was confused because I couldn’t remember anything and I didn’t understand what was going on. I experienced very low self esteem afterwards because of my physical appearance, especially my face, though the scars eventually healed. However, some of main scars that I still possess are the scar from my tooth puncturing my lip, the scar on my gums from the stitches to sew them back together, and a scar across my nose from when it was broken. I experienced a trigger from this situation when I would get in the car with someone who was tired or sleepy. One time in particular I was riding with a friend who had been studying all night for a midterm and was visibly exhausted. I had no choice but to ride with this person because I didn’t have a car and we were out so far from my college campus that I didn’t know how to catch the bus or take public transportation. I thought beforehand that I may possibly feel uneasy riding with her, but I reasoned with myself that I would be just fine. My friend, Ariel, got into the car and began rubbing her eyes and yawning. I instantly started thinking the worst and every possible negative thing that can happen while riding in a car began flooding my thoughts. It was amazing at the time that I was so pessimistic because I am generally a positive person, even in the face of adversity. My friend turned her music up really loudly to keep herself awake, which made me even more nervous. I remember contemplating and telling myself that I would rather walk about 17 miles than to stay in the car at that moment. I quickly realized that wasn’t plausible and I decided to stay in the car. As soon as I actually sat down into the car I began getting nervous, praying, and my heart was racing. My friend was asking me what was wrong because she wasn’t aware of the accident I had been in. I couldn’t even explain to her what was going on because my chest felt so heavy and I was almost to the point of hyperventilating as we were driving. She started driving pretty fast and I felt like I was having an outer body experience. She was talking to me but I really wasn’t hearing a word that she was saying. I realized that I was recalling memories that I had been trying to suppress such as when I initially woke up in the hospital and saw my face. I remembered my mom screaming when I was unconscious faintly and not knowing why. I later found out that it was because the doctor’s had pretty much told her that there was a slim chance that I would survive, especially without incurring brain damage from the bleeding. I also remembered getting teased when I was in school because of the many scratches on my face and the scar on my lip. All these things that I had “forgotten” so to speak came rushing back to my memory unannounced and unwanted. I tried to calm myself down by taking deep breaths and rationalizing that my friend was still capable of driving and that I would not get into a car accident. I also noted that I was wearing a seat belt this time in the instance that something bad did occur. It was successful after I had really thought things through and stopped breathing so rapidly. It was the first time I had been in the car with someone that visibly tired since I was 10 years old, and I was 17 at the time of this incident. Therefore, I wasn’t really sure how to react or what to be feeling. I feel that I dealt with it accordingly and just opted not to ride with someone who was tired in the future if it could be avoided. I was surprised at the moment that it happened, merely because I had tried so hard not to think about the accident for such a long period of time. I was shocked that I was thinking about the worst of things inadvertently. My friend was also pretty shocked herself to the point that she thought I was going to need medical care. I reassured her that I would be okay about halfway through this episode and told her that I just needed to roll my window down and get some air as I was riding with her. She told me that if she felt that she wouldn’t be able to keep her eyes open that she would pull over; this also made me feel way more comfortable than I did initially. As previously stated, if I am ever in a situation where I have no choice but to ride with someone who is sleepy I will make sure to tell them about my concerns and I will try to rationalize my thoughts before I enter the car. If I feel my chest getting heavy I know that I may be about to hyperventilate or my breathing may get shallow. I know that if my heart starts to race I am getting nervous and I probably need to take a few deep breaths and realize that I am not 10 years old anymore. I can’t think of a career in which I would have a client that would be transporting me, but I do know that even talking about the car accident sometimes makes me uneasy. For example, I was trying to console a client that had been in a car accident and was struggling with being bullied because her scars were even more severe than mines had been. I decided that the moment presented itself as a good time to self disclose in regards to my accident. In the midst of talking about the situation to her and trying to let her know that things would be okay, her scars would heal, and how to deal with the bullying, I became extremely uncomfortable. It was almost as if I was reliving the situation all over again. I smiled to myself and took a deep breath as I finished my story with the student. She was really happy to know that someone could relate to her struggles and had experienced something similar. This episode lasted only about 30 seconds because I was able to quickly identify what was happening as opposed to the first occurrence. Strategies that I employ now when I discuss the accident with a client or anyone for that matter are deep breathing, closing my eyes and thinking clearly, and also praying. If I know that I being triggered I may ask to be excused to the restroom momentarily and I will pat my forehand with a damp paper towel, take a few deep breaths and return to the session or conversation. I have learned that I should take some time to really write things down in regards to how I feel when I recall the accident. This helps me to sort out my thoughts and understand that car accidents are normal and happen frequently. I say positive things to myself in relation o my appearance and I reason with myself that I don’t look the same as I did when I came out of the hospital. I can honestly say that I do respond much better to being triggered than I did in the beginning and most times I’m sure it’s barely noticeable, if at all, to the person that I’m conversing with. Ultimately, as I reflected on what triggers me and how I deal with those people or situations, I came to really understand how I operate as a person and how people in general handle fear. It was my fear of returning to the accident mentally that caused a physical manifestation of anxiety. Once I confronted those fears and found alternative responses I was able to better handle my emotions. Even though it is still a difficult conversation to have at times, I feel better equipped to discuss it because I am aware of my emotional and mental reactions. It is so important, especially as a social worker, that we are aware of our emotions. Our fears, our biases, and our beliefs impact the work that we do on a daily basis. I was able to really move forward and be of quality to not only my clients, but myself, once I identified and addressed my fears. During the car ride I thought about how I had had conversations about the accident before that and hadn’t thought much of it. But once I was put in a car again and was “reliving” the moments that lead up to the accident I had a completely different physiological response. Afterwards, I had become slightly uncomfortable talking about it. After reflecting on that series of events I understood why. Before I was first triggered by getting in the car I was able to discuss things so effortlessly because I wasn’t really connected to the story I was telling. I was saying what I could remember from the accident based on what I was told. It almost became something I was able to recite because I had gotten asked “what happened?” so many times after I had gotten out of the hospital. However, once I was actually forced to think about the accident because I felt like I was in danger, it was as is I developed a “real” connection to the accident because I was very much conscious and able to process what was happening at the time. So when I would converse with others after that incident I actually had a real understanding of what it felt like to think you were about to get into a horrible accident and what the aftermath would look like. Thankfully, I was able to address things in a timely manner and successfully. Overall, it just always reminds me that it is imperative to practice self care techniques and to be aware of your emotional state.