Carole A. Parker

EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - DAY A sluggish, smoggy day on the wrong end of the Walk Of Fame. The usual assortment of TOURISTS, STREET TRASH and LOCALS litter the street. A CLOWN (50’s) holding a bunch of balloons leans over the curb. PUKES technicolor chunks. A FEMALE HOMICIDE DETECTIVE (40) stands next to a food truck eating a taco. Wolfing it down. She looks pale. Sick. The MEXICAN COOK (40’s) smiles at her through the service window. MEXICAN COOK Best thing for a hangover, huh. FEMALE HOMICIDE DETECTIVE Gimmee another one. And a Tecate. Ice cold. Suddenly GUNSHOTS POP, POP, POP nearby. Someone SCREAMS. EXT. BANK - DAY A small, local branch. The front door FLIES OPEN. A MASKED MAN (20’s) comes RUNNING OUT holding a bag of money. FEMALE DETECTIVE Looks at Paco. FEMALE HOMICIDE DETECTIVE Do me a favor. Call for backup. PACO What the fuck? FEMALE HOMICIDE DETECTIVE Just do it. Paco shrugs. Pulls out his cell. Starts punching in a number. She starts walking toward Masked Man, who JUMPS in the getaway car, an old piece of shit. The engine ROARS and starts TAKING OFF right toward her. Female Dick pulls out a giant five-hundred Magnum. Takes aim. Stilling chewing taco. She FIRES at it. BANG. The windshield SHATTERS. The bullet HITS the driver in the head, which EXPLODES IN A RED MIST. The car CAREENS over the curb into a FIRE HYDRANT. Water SPOUTS IN A HUGE GEYER. PEDESTRIANS start RUNNING, SCREAMING. Masked Man JUMPS out of the car with the bag of money. FIRES at her. Female Dick swallows the rest of her taco, bullets PINGING around her. She takes aim. FIRES. BANG. Gets him in the arm. He keep coming. She FIRES AGAIN, BANG. Gets him in the leg. Masked Man limps toward her, still SHOOTING. Female Dick squints in the hot sunlight. FIRES again. BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG. Gets him in the chest. (CONTINUED) 2. CONTINUED: He falls over, THWUMP. Drops the bag. Cash starts SWIRLING in the air. ONLOOKERS start trying to scoop it up. Female Dick slowly walks over to where Masked Man lies in the gutter, bleeding out. It’s quite the tableaux. Water SPRAYING. Money FLYING. She gets near him. Aims her piece. Pulls off his mask, revealing a YOUNG BLACK KID. FEMALE HOMICIDE DETECTIVE (CONT’D) Yo. Ever seen ‘Dirty Harry?’ YOUNG BLACK KID Huh? FEMALE HOMICIDE DETECTIVE I said, HAVE YOU SEEN ‘DIRTY HARRY?’ YOUNG BLACK KID Yeah. (groans) What the fuck? He slowly, painfully, with great effort, moves his head, looks at his gun lying next to him. FEMALE HOMICIDE DETECTIVE What we’ve got here is life imitating art. (off his stare) And now you’re wondering. Did she fire six shots or only five? (imitates Clint) Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. (nods at her gun) Now this is a five-hundred Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world. Dirty Harry’s forty-four used to be, but after the four-fifty-four Casull and the foureighty Ruger came out, well, the boys at Smith and Wesson had to go them one better. Bigger gun. Bigger bullets. (clicks the safety) Can take a bear down in a single shot. And it doesn’t kick so hard. Easier to shoot. Gotta love modern technology. (beat) So you gotta ask yourself one question. Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya homes? The kid stares at him, scared shitless. Female Dick reaches down. Grabs his gun. TOSSES it. Then takes aim. Scary smile. Pulls the trigger. CLICK. The kid SHITS HIS PANTS. FEMALE HOMICIDE DETECTIVE (CONT’D) Go ahead. Shit my day. And BURSTS INTO INSANE LAUGHTER. A UNIFORMED OFFICER appears. (CONTINUED) 3. CONTINUED: (2) UNIFORMED OFFICER You brought them down all by yourself? That’s the second time this month. FEMALE HOMICIDE DETECTIVE (nods) Would you take ‘em in for me? (off his look) Gotta taco and a beer waiting for me -EXT. WILSHIRE BOULEVARD - NIGHT A canyon of airbrushed high-rise condos on a hot summer night. Deserted at four ‘69 CADILLAC CONVERTIBLE ROARS down the ride I’m gonna snag when this show goes in Westwood glitters in the morning. A red street. The kinda to series. INT. CADILLAC CONVERTIBLE - NIGHT Behind the wheel is CARRIE LOVE (30), who we recognize as ‘Female Homicide Detective.’ Long chestnut tresses frame a heart-shaped face. Cruel red lips. Bloody blue eyes. Legs for days. And nights. Smokin’ hot bod that never quits. CARRIE (V.O.) That’s me, behind the wheel. Detective Carrie Love, at your service. Have blonde, will travel. (beat) Most people call me ‘Legs.’ People say my legs are my best feature. Comes from rollerblading ten miles a day. Being five foot ten doesn't hurt, either. More legs per square inch. (beat) I think my best features are my ironic smile and my rapier wit. But what the fuck do I know? Most guys just stare at my boobs. Seated next to her in the passenger seat is LEXI STEEL (17), vixen from another planet. Rail-thin. Blonde hair WHIPPING in the wind. Heart-stopping in ‘naughty schoolgirl’ threads. Right now she’s lighting a joint. Hands it to Carrie. LEXI Reefer madness, baby -Carrie sees it. Smiles. GRABS it. Takes a puff. CARRIE No woman, no fry -LEXI So you live AT the beach? CARRIE Swingin’ bachelorette pad deluxe, baby. Venice beach a-go-go. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 4. CONTINUED: CARRIE (CONT'D) Hot and cold running pleasure, on tap, twenty-four-seven. (looks at her) But I don’t fuck on the first date. LEXI THAT’S a shame -CARRIE (V.O.) I’d picked her up at Girl Bar in Beverly Hills. Had just suffered a nasty break up with the latest monogamy victim, and needed a baby botox Rodeo Driver to cleanse the palate. Tastes great, less willing. Nice house, owner on permanent vacation -(beat) You get the idea. Carrie takes another hit on the joint. Looks at Lexi. CARRIE (CONT’D) It tastes funny. Is there -LEXI Angel dust? Yeah. Pepper-minty FRESH. CARRIE NO! It’s fucking up my HEAD -EXT. WILSHIRE BOULEVARD - NIGHT The Caddy FLIES AROUND A CURVE. Reaches an intersection. The light is yellow. FLASHES to red. But Carrie doesn’t see it, and BARRELS through. Luckily, there’s no one around -Except for a TAXI CAB that appears out of nowhere. The Caddy CLIPS IT and goes INTO A SPIN, the weight of the monster vehicle working like centrifugal force. Carrie tries to HIT THE BRAKES, but rushing on the drug, she accidentally HITS THE GAS -And the car SHOOTS FORWARD, JUMPS the curb, and FLIES INTO the glass windows of a BANK. Glass SPRAYS IN THE AIR like a fountain. An alarm starts SHRIEKING -INT. BANK - NIGHT And the Caddy FLIES into the bank, SMASHING through desks, SPRAYING wood and plaster until it HITS the row of teller windows and comes to a stop with a CRUNCH. SPRINKLERS go off. Water comes RAINING DOWN ON them. Carrie watches Lexi FLY THROUGH the windshield and HIT the wall like a ruined rag doll. CARRIE (V.O.) And then my life ended as I knew it -- 5. INT. HOSPITAL - EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT A team of DOCTORS and TECHS fight to save Lexi’s life. TEARING off her clothes. Giving her blood. Sewing her up. CARRIE (V.O.) Turned out Lexi was the daughter of the chief of police -- AND she was underaged. (sings) I am seventeen, going on forty -(beat) And, being a cop, driving under the influence of booze and narcotics with a minor at WAY past the speed limit at four AM was the trifecta of clusterfucked. (beat) Not to mention fucking up a BANK. (beat) Oh, and the naughty schoolgirl outfit? That was her REAL uniform -INT. COURTROOM - DAY Carrie stands behind a desk wearing a suit with her ATTORNEY (40’s), a hawk-nosed civil servant. The POLICE CHIEF (50’s) sits in the witness box, red-faced. CARRIE (V.O.) I was lucky I didn’t go to jail. The only thing that saved my ass was my arrest record -(beat) And the fact that the chief wanted to keep his darling daughter’s exploits out of the tabloids. Lexi sits in the spectator section in a wheelchair with an IV drip and a stern-looking private nurse. CARRIE (V.O.) (CONT'D) Let this be a lesson to you. Don’t drink and drive, obey all traffic laws, and be VERY careful about who you hook up with on a Saturday night. Trust me. Fucking up your boss’s daughter kinda ass-rapes the career path -EXT. CRAFTSMAN BUNGALOW - DAY A funky, brightly-colored, hundred-year-old bungalow on a leafy walkway street on the north end of Venice Beach. A sign on the gate reads ‘Carrie Love, Private Investigations.’ CARRIE (V.O.) So I did what any self-respecting former homicide detective that was thrown off the force for illegal and immoral activity WOULD do -(beat) Put up my own private eye shingle.