Bridget Ilene Delaney

Yet Another Shakespeare Rewrite or The Winter's Tale for a Modern Day Audience by Bridget Ilene Delaney Written as part of the requirement for graduation from the Theatre Program at McNeese State University. Produced under the supervision of advisor Charles H. McNeely III. Copyright © 2015 by Bridget Ilene Delaney All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review. Table of Contents Table of Contents ………………………………………………………………………………...I Cast of Characters ……………………………………………………………………………....II Act 1 Scene I ……………………………………………………………………………………...1 Act 1 Scene II ……………………………………………………………………………………..1 Act 2 Scene I ……………………………………………………………………………………..10 Act 2 Scene II …………………………………………………………………………………….10 Act 2 Scene III …………………………………………………………………………………...13 Act 2 Scene IV …………………………………………………………………………………..15 Act 2 Scene V …………………………………………………………………………………...16 Act 2 Scene VI …………………………………………………………………………………...18 Act 2 Scene VII …………………………………………………………………………………...20 Act 2 Scene VIII …………………………………………………………………………………..22 Act 3 Scene I ……………………………………………………………………………………..23 Act 3 Scene II …………………………………………………………………………………….23 Act 3 Scene III …………………………………………………………………………………….28 Act 4 Scene I ……………………………………………………………………………………...32 Act 4 Scene II ……………………………………………………………………………………..32 Act 4 Scene III …………………………………………………………………………………….33 Act 5 Scene I ……………………………………………………………………………………..44 Act 5 Scene II ……………………………………………………………………………………..44 Act 5 Scene III …………………………………………………………………………………….48 Character Information …………………………………………………………………………...52 Character/Costume/Makeup Notes …………………………………………………………….53 Property List ……………………………………………………………………………………..54 Set Details ……………………………………………………………………………………….55 Character Scene Chart ………………………………………………………………... ………56 i Cast of Characters (in Alphabetical Order): CAM CHARLES CLETUS DION EMILY FLORIAN GUS HERMIONE LEO LINUS LUCAS NARRATOR OFFICER/GOPHER/PILOT OLLIE PAULINA PERDITA ZEB ii Act 1 Scene I - Apron of the Stage [Enter NARRATOR] NARRATOR Almost everybody loves his or her own hometown and that’s the way it is with these interns. Right now we know that they argue about whether Carlsbad, CA or Callaway, FL is better. The reason for the argument between the two interns is that the governors of both places have been best friends since childhood and the governor of Callaway has come to visit Carlsbad, but the intern of Carlsbad has never seen Callaway. The governors write letters and send gifts to each other constantly. The two things that are certain are that Leo, the governor of Carlsbad has greater wealth than Ollie, the governor of Callaway. Sadly, the governor of Callaway is going to have to fire his intern due to a recently uncovered scandal. It is also known that Leo also has a very promising son, Linus. [Exit NARRATOR] Scene II - Carlsbad, CA Governor’s Mansion [Enter LEO, HERMIONE, OLLIE] OLLIE Thank you, Leo, for letting me stay here for nine months. I’m sure I have overstayed my welcome. Plus, I must go back and take care of some work. I’ll be leaving tomorrow. LEO Please don’t leave yet. I’ll miss you so much if you leave. Can’t you stay just one more week? 1 OLLIE [Like Al from Home Improvement] I don’t think so, Leo. LEO Hermione, can’t you convince Ollie to stay? HERMIONE [sweetly begging and pleading] Won’t you stay for me? I’ve grown quite fond of having you as a friend. OLLIE I really can’t stay. HERMIONE But, Ollie, it's cold outside. OLLIE I've got to go work. HERMIONE But, Ollie, it's cold outside. 2 OLLIE This visit has been very nice, but I seriously must go! HERMIONE [Aside to OLLIE] You will stay another week, or it’ll be [Like Detective Lieutenant Steve McGarret from Hawaii Five-O] Book ‘em, Danno! OLLIE Well, I can’t argue with that! I will stay! [As if in a daydream] When Leo and I were boys, we were innocent. We would play for hours on end if we were allowed to do so. We hadn’t yet discovered women. HERMIONE So, you didn’t court girls or sleep around? OLLIE If Leo and I had been asked if we did those things at that time, we certainly would have answered that we didn’t. LEO Will Ollie stay now? 3 HERMIONE He has agreed to stay. LEO You speak so well! The last time I remember you speaking so well was when you agreed to marry me! [HERMIONE, OLLIE go off to the side to chat] LEO [Aside] Look at them talking! I think they have become closer than friends! How could Hermione have convinced him to stay so easily? I have to check and see if Linus is really my son! [calling for LINUS] Son, come here! [enter LINUS] LINUS Here I am, Dad! LEO That mark on your nose looks like the mark on mine, doesn’t it? 4 LINUS Of course it does! Everybody says we look alike! LEO Your hair is not quite like mine and you are not as big or as rough, but it is true that everybody says we look alike. I can live out dreams that I did not accomplish through you. Run along and play. [Exit LINUS] [Aside] Oh, if only Hermione hadn’t made me feel as if I had been cheated. OLLIE What do you mean, Leo? HERMIONE Something seems to be bothering him. Is something bothering you, my love? LEO I’m okay. I was just remembering the days when I was young because young Linus reminds me of them. Sometimes I miss those days. Ollie, do you love your son as much as I love mine? OLLIE Yes, he is everything to me. He can make me angry and he can make me happy. When I am 5 with him, time flies by. I love him dearly. LEO Ollie, why don’t you and Hermione go take a walk in the garden? She would probably like to know more about our childhood. [OLLIE, HERMIONE go take a walk in the garden; best if in the audience or sill on stage, but can be implied by having them go offstage] Look at them! It looks as though she is trying to kiss him! I knew that just a friendship between my wife and my best friend was too good to be true! Many men have this happen with their wives and now I am one of them! [singing to the tune of “The Drunken Sailor”] What shall I do with a cheating friend? What shall I do with a cheating friend? What shall I do with a cheating friend when we’ve been friends since childhood? Poor him a drink that is poisoned. Poor him a drink that is poisoned. Poor him a drink that is poisoned and have another serve it. [stops singing] [Exit HERMIONE, OLLIE] Cam, come here! [Enter CAM] CAM Yes, Leo? 6 LEO I want you to served a poisoned drink to Ollie. It seems that he and Hermione have been having an affair! [Aside] Wait! If this make me want to kill Ollie, that must mean Hermione wants me gone! She must want to kill me so she can be with Ollie! CAM I honestly don’t think anything is amiss. I believe they are only friends. LEO You must believe me and do as I say or [Like Donald Trump from The Apprentice] you’re fired! CAM Yes, sir, Leo. LEO Now, remember, the pill to kill is in the tumbler that is humbler. CAM [Repeating] The pill to kill is in the tumbler that is humbler. 7 [Exit LEO] The pill to kill is in the tumbler that is humbler. The till to pill is in the pumbler that is humbler. The hill to till is in the kumbler that is pumbler. Kill bill is in the mumbler jumbler . . [CAM continues to ad lib nonsense rhymes] [Enter OLLIE] OLLIE Cam, what are you doing here and what are you mumbling to yourself? CAM [Continues ad libbing mumbled nonsense rhymes to self then realized he needs to answer] Oh! Leo has instructed me to serve you a poisoned drink. OLLIE Why would my oldest and dearest friend do that? CAM He has convinced himself that you are having an affair with Hermione. OLLIE That’s nonsense! I would never do such a thing! I have an idea. If you do not want to do this, come sneak away with me to Callaway and I will give you a job. I have a position open as I recently had to fire one of my interns. 8 CAM Oh, thank you! I didn't want to poison you. I know Leo would have pardoned me from any wrongdoing, but it would've been on my conscience! [Like John "Hannibal" Smith from The ATeam] I love it when a plan comes together! I’ll do it! [Exit OLLIE and CAM] 9 Act 2 Scene I - Apron of the Stage [Enter NARRATOR] NARRATOR After that, it seems we get to see a heartwarming scene between Hermione and her son, Linus. It is obvious that they have tons of love for each other. [Exit NARRATOR] Scene II - Carlsbad, CA Governor's Mansion [Enter LINUS, HERMIONE] LINUS Mom, you’re so big that you look like a dinosaur! HERMIONE Oh, you silly boy. LINUS It’s not silly! It’s serious! I’m being serious! HERMIONE Very well, then. Why don’t you come be silly and play with me? Once this baby arrives, I will have to take care of it and we won’t have as much time together. Why don’t you tell me a story? 10 LINUS Should I tell you a happy story or a sad story? HERMIONE Whatever you choose. LINUS I think a sad story is best. It will help to make it seem like the long winter night has gone by faster. [begins to tell story] Once upon a time, there was an old ghost who lived in a graveyard near a church . . . [stops and voices his thoughts] Oh, this is a sad and a scary story! I’ll whisper the story to you so it seems scarier! [leans over towards HERMIONE’s ear to whisper the story] [Enter LEO] LEO What? Ollie and Cam have both left for Callaway?!?! How dare they! I know exactly what this means! Ollie obvious;y had an affair with [turning towards HERMIONE] you and Cam had to have been employed by him while he was working with me! Emily, come take young Linus away from Hermione and find a suitable live-in nanny! He is not to be with his cheating mother ever again! 11 [Enter EMILY] EMILY Yes, Leo. [Exit EMILY, LINUS] LEO [Addressing HERMIONE] As for you, how could you? Why did you cheat on me? HERMIONE I never cheated on you! Why do you insist on hurting me like this? LEO There’s too much evidence to say that you have not cheated on me! You act like you accidentally slept with Ollie thinking that I was asleep in his bed, but you knew exactly what you were doing! How could you do this to me? HERMIONE I’m telling you that I never did such a thing! [Enter EMILY] EMILY Young Linus is now in good hands, Leo. 12 LEO Very good, Emily. Now, take my wife to jail and keep her there. After all, you are the warden. EMILY Must I? LEO Yes, she has committed a crime and must be arrested. EMILY I don’t believe it, but I will do what you say. [Exit EMILY, HERMIONE] Scene III - Carlsbad, CA Governor's Mansion LEO Cletus, Dion, come here! [Enter CLETUS, DION] CLETUS Yes, your majesty. DION He's not a king, he's a governor. 13 CLETUS And? DION That's not how you address a governor. LEO [Aside] I kinda liked it. [Talking to CLETUS, DION] I need you to go to Snyder, TX and ask for a message from God. God has a magic eight ball placed there that always gives answers to questions. You must ask it if Hermione had an affair with Ollie. You need to ask it if Hermione tried to kill me. I think I already know the answer, but God will definitely know the answer. CLETUS If you already know the answer . . . DION He doesn't know the answer. He only thinks he knows the answer. CLETUS Oh, right. What were we supposed to ask it? 14 DION [Pulling CLETUS off stage] We're supposed to ask it if Hermione . . . [speech goes into a whisper that can't be understood] [Exit CLETUS, DION] CLETUS [Heard from off stage] I know that! Why are you telling me? Scene IV - Carlsbad, CA Governor's Mansion [Enter GUS] GUS I am certain that Hermione is innocent. There is nothing to suggest that she is guilty like you say she is. LEO Yet, she is pregnant. I do not believe that it is my child. She seemed to be trying to kiss Ollie when they were talking. GUS I honestly don’t think that is true. I’ll even have my wife sent to jail if Hermione is guilty. 15 LEO I know what I have seen. Your wife is going to be quite unhappy when Cletus and Dion come back with the news from the Magic Eight Ball at Snyder, TX. [Exit GUS, LEO] Scene V - Snyder, TX [At rise, CLETUS, DION searching] CLETUS Now where is it? DION Maybe where that huge sign says, “Magic Eight Ball of Snyder, TX.” [NARRATOR is holding up the sign] CLETUS Oh, I know, maybe where that huge sign says “Magic Eight Ball of Snyder, TX.” DION That’s what I just . . . CLETUS Don’t interrupt me when I’m coming up with good ideas! 16 DION But . . . CLETUS Were you saying something? DION Nevermind. CLETUS Come on, we must get to the Magic Eight Ball! [They cross to the Magic Eight Ball.] [DION picks up the Magic Eight Ball and Shakes it while singing] DION [singing to the tune of Oh, Susanna!] We come from Carlsbad with a question on our minds We’re going back to Leo to tell him what we find. We ask you now a question, to know what you will say. Is Hermione innocent? Can you save the day? Oh, Magic Eight Ball! Please help us find The answer to the question that is on our minds. [stops singing] [DION bring the Magic Eight Ball close to his eye to see the answer] 17 It answered! [a letter drops from the Magic Eight Ball] CLETUS Of course it answered, you idiot! What did you expect? DION I . . . nevermind, let’s just get back to Carlsbad with the letter. [Exit CLETUS, DION] Scene VI - a jail in Carlsbad, CA [At rise, HERMIONE in a jail cell] [Enter PAULINA] PAULINA Emily, are you here? [Enter EMILY] EMILY Yes, I am here. Why is a good person such as yourself here? PAULINA I am here because I would like to speak to Hermione. 18 EMILY I cannot let you do that. She is not to have visitors. PAULINA You can’t even let somebody as good as me go visit her? EMILY It is against the rules. PAULINA You don’t believe she is guilty, do you? Can’t we both go talk to her? EMILY I guess we can both go to her. You can talk to her as long as I am with both of you. [PAULINA, EMILY go to the cell where HERMIONE is being held.] PAULINA How are you, Hermione? HERMIONE I’m doing as well as I can for somebody in my state. PAULINA Oh, I see that you have had your child! He . . . 19 HERMIONE It is a little girl. PAULINA Oh! She looks so much like Leo! I bet if he saw her he would change his mind about this whole matter! Emily, can’t I bring her to Leo. EMILY She is in jail and is to stay here. PAULINA Yet, she is innocent. She was in her mother’s womb and was born here. It is not right that she must stay in this jail. EMILY You are right. You may take her to Leo. [Exit EMILY, PAULINA with baby] Scene VII - Carlsbad, CA Governor's Mansion [At Rise, LEO, GUS engaged in conversation] LEO How’s Linus? GUS 20 He is still in bed, but he seems to be doing well. [Enter PAULINA holding the baby.] PAULINA Look, Leo, how this baby looks just like you! This is your daughter birthed by your faithful wife, Hermione. LEO Let me see her. [PAULINA goes to Leo and shows him the child, he looks at it.] It does not look like me. It looks like Hermione and Ollie. Gus, take this child and kill it just like my wife should be killed! GUS That is a harsh sentence! Please, Leo, be gentler with what you do to this innocent life. LEO Fine. I don’t like it, but take it far away and leave it somewhere that it will most likely not be found. Yet, if something or somebody finds it, then the baby will be able to live. You may also leave this hefty check with the baby for its care since if it is found by somebody, that person may not have money. GUS I will do that. In fact, I will call the baby Perdita as she may be lost forever. [Exit GUS followed by LEO, PAULINA] 21 Scene VIII - The jail at Carlsbad, CA [Enter PAULINA] PAULINA Emily, come quickly! [Enter EMILY] EMILY What’s the matter? PAULINA Leo wants to kill Hermione, but at least he will wait to hear from God because he sent Cletus and Dion to the Magic Eight Ball at Snyder, TX. EMILY He sent those two? Cletus doesn't know the difference between a Big Mac and a Maserati! At least Dion went. I'll wait for them to return with God's message. [Exit EMILY, PAULINA] 22 Act 3 Scene I - Apron of Stage [Enter NARRATOR] NARRATOR Leo decided it was best to put Hermione on trial rather than to wait for Cletus and Dion. Because of that, they are all now in a court in Carlsbad. [Exit NARRATOR] Scene II - A court in Carlsbad, CA [At rise, LEO pacing the courtroom floor] LEO [Complaining to himself] My wife! How could she? I don't understand this. My own wife! The most beautiful woman in all of California! [Enter HERMIONE] [to audience] Everybody come in and see this cheater be put on trial! I promise that I'm not crazy! You'll see! [to HERMIONE] 23 You're sleeping with Ollie, you egoistic little minx! [still to HERMIONE, but nonchalantly, as if waving it off] Oh, yeah, and you tried to kill me. HERMIONE You liar! [“slaps” Leo] God knows the truth! You'll see! LEO Well, I'm rubber and you're glue! Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you! HERMIONE I don't have to put up with this. I love Ollie as a friend and a brother. [still to Leo, but nonchalantly, as if waving it off] Oh, and I never tried to kill you. LEO You've done everything I think you've done! You're Ollie's baby mama! I know you're lying! [Like Eddie Izzard] You can have cake or death! [yelling] Wait! I mean I sentence you to death! 24 HERMIONE You don't love me, I can't see my son, and you sent my daughter to her death. Adding to that, you hurl childish insults at me. Why would I want to live? OFFICER [popping up with NARRATOR with sign in the middle of everything, as if out of nowhere] Look! Cletus and Dion have given me a letter from God! [Reading] Hermione and Ollie are innocent and Leo is a big ol' meanie! LEO You lie! That paper must be blank! [OFFICER, NARRATOR disappear below the stage or behind scenery] GOPHER [pops up, NARRATOR pops up with gopher sign] Leo, your son has died! LEO Are you sure that he's not just mostly dead? 25 GOPHER He's fully dead, sir. HERMIONE [fainting] Noooo! [Exit GOPHER, NARRATOR] [Enter PAULINA] PAULINA Look what you've done! LEO Take her to jail; she'll be fine. [Exit PAULINA, dragging HERMIONE] [Re-enter PAULINA] PAULINA You can be forgiven for calling Ollie a liar, for your son's death, and even for abandoning your daughter, but you cannot be forgiven for this next thing. 26 LEO What did I do now? PAULINA You killed Hermione! LEO Inconceivable! PAULINA She is dead and you do not deserve forgiveness. LEO Inconceivable! PAULINA God is right. You are a big ol' meanie! LEO Inconceivable! PAULINA You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. [beat, change to a sad/repentant tone] 27 Oh, you are sad about these things. [nasally, like Steve Urkel from Family Matters] Did I do that? LEO Yes, but you were right. Oh, God, how could I have been so stupid? I need my best friend and my wife. I have learned that if you know the truth, then the truth shall set you free. Blessed be the man that spares the stones and cursed be the man that moves my wife's and son's bones. I still don't know about that baby, though. [Exit PAULINA and LEO] Scene III - A barren shore of Callaway, FL [Enter GUS, PILOT, NARRATOR with pilot sign] GUS [holding the baby] Are you sure that you made that [like Bugs Bunny says, "left toin at Alba-coy-key] left turn at Albuquerque PILOT The plane landed safely in Callaway, FL, but the old man is snoring. [a picture of rain is held up by the NARRATOR] It is obvious that God is watching our actions! 28 GUS [holding the baby] [to PILOT] You stay here! PILOT Good, I've heard there are bears here! If we both go, we might both get eaten! GUS [holding the baby] Inconceivable! PILOT Alas, poor Gus, I knew him Callaway. [Exit PILOT, NARRATOR] GUS [holding the baby] [singing to the baby, to the tune of “The Old Gray Mare”] I dreamed I met a Californian, met a Californian, met a Californian. I dreamed I met a Californian, a most amazing gal. 29 She looked as if she were alive, she were alive, she were alive. She looked as if she were alive, and was dressed in white. She told me the whole story, the whole story, the whole story. She told me the whole story and now I know. [stops singing, still speaking to the baby] Yet, I don't believe it because a dream is only a wish your heart makes. I will leave you here with the papers and your things. The man is beginning to snore, but I cannot find tears for you. [The narrator adds drops of rain to the sign] The man snores louder! If his snores were a lullaby, they would break the tree boughs! [Leaves the baby on the ground] Goodbye! [NARRATOR holds up a picture of a bear while roaring and chasing GUS off the stage] [Enter CHARLES] CHARLES [walking around the stage, searching for something] The teenage years are a waste of time. Teens are disrespectful. Some of them have made me like Bo-Peep twice. [sees PERDITA] Fudge, fudge, call the judge! A mother had a baby! It is so pretty and so cold even though what she did was ugly and hot. [Enter ZEB] Son, what are you doing here? I thought you had to be at your [sneers at the thought] job! 30 ZEB I know that you do not understand my job, but it pays well. I don’t have time for that, though! I have seen a bear start to eat a man and a plane crash. Death is sad, but still miraculous. CHARLES Son, I have more amazing news! I have found life! This baby is a newborn! There's also a this check! ZEB Wow! You'll never have to work a day in your life! CHARLES Shh! Don't tell anybody about this! I don't want anybody to steal my money. ZEB Yes, you're loaded. You better put your safety on before you start shooting off at the mouth! I will go check on the bear. If I can still tell who he is eating, I'll [waves cell phone in the air] call you for help! CHARLES I know you will! You are my pride and joy even though your job seems really strange. [Exit CHARLES, ZEB] 31 Act 4 Scene I - Apron of the Stage [Enter NARRATOR] NARRATOR It has been sixteen years since the last part of the story. This time it is spring rather than winter. Remember when Leo asked Ollie about a son, but no name was mentioned? I can now tell you that the name of the son is Florian. Leo has now shut himself up in a room and will not come out because he is upset with the results from the decisions he made because of his foolish jealousy. [Exit NARRATOR] Scene II - Callaway, FL Governor's Mansion [Enter OLLIE, CAM arguing] OLLIE Stop! Just stop! I don’t want to hear it any longer! It breaks my heart to hear it! You are too good of a servant to let go! CAM But I haven’t seen Carlsbad in fifteen years! I am so homesick! Plus, Leo is grieving. I’m sure that seeing me would at least help him feel a little bit better! OLLIE Cam, please, I need you! I can’t simply let you leave. Have you seen Florian? 32 CAM I have not seen him for about three days. He does not seem to be doing his chores, either. OLLIE I have noticed this. Some have told me that he has been seen hanging around the house of a farmer Yet, it seems that even though this man was poor, he somehow acquired much wealth and nobody knows how it happened. CAM I have heard of such a man and I hear that his daughter is beautiful, nothing like you would expect from a man like him. OLLIE Yes, I think the daughter is the reason why my son probably keeps going there. We should disguise ourselves and go there so they do not recognize us. CAM Yes, let us do exactly that! [Exit OLLIE, CAM] Scene III - 4H Livestock Show [Enter LUCAS singing “Aura Lee”] When the blackbird in the Spring, 'Neath the willow tree, Sat and piped, I heard him sing, Sing of Aura Lee. Aura Lee, Aura Lee, 33 Maid with golden hair; Sunshine came along with thee, And swallows in the air. Aura Lee, Aura Lee, Maid with golden hair; Sunshine came along with thee, And swallows in the air. [Stops singing] I used to work for Florian’s father. I had fine clothes then, but now I do not have a job. [Continues singing “Aura Lee”] In thy blush the rose was born, Music, when you spake, Through thine azure eye the morn, Sparkling seemed to break. Aura Lee, Aura Lee, Birds of crimson wing, Never song have sung to me, As in that sweet spring. Aura Lee, Aura Lee, Maid with golden hair; Sunshine came along with thee, And swallows in the air. [Enter ZEB] ZEB Now, five times . . no eight times . . . ugh . . . five . . . plus fourteen . . is uh . . . twenty-one? Just how much money will we make from shearing fifteen hundred sheep? I do not understand this. 34 And why must I buy all these food products? 4H isn't about cooking. This is a livestock show where they have plants and animals. Why does father want Perdita to try to cook anything? She is working with flowers as it is. . . Oh, what is that!? [LUCAS pretends to have fallen on the ground] LUCAS Oh, please help me! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up! [ZEB rushes to LUCAS] ZEB Are you okay? How can I help? LUCAS Please, sir, just help me up! I will be fine once you do that. I have a relative that lives less than a mile away and that person will help me. [ZEB helps LUCAS up; LUCAS steals ZEB’s wallet at the same time] ZEB Are you sure that you don’t need any more help? Do you want me to keep a look out for the person who robbed you? Can you describe him? LUCAS That would be very helpful! [LUCAS describes himself; have the actor playing LUCAS fill in his details, pointing to these details on himself; ZEB nods as each detail is said] 35 He has __________ hair and ________ eyes and is about ______ tall. Please, let me know if you see him. ZEB Yes, I have heard of this man! I will let you know if I find him! [Exit LUCAS] [realizing that LUCAS described himself] Hey, wait a minute! [Exit ZEB] [Enter FLORIAN as Douglas, PERDITA carrying stuff for planting flowers - perhaps potting soil] FLORIAN Why, Perdita, your body even makes those ugly work clothes look wonderful! PERDITA Why do you speak that way? You know that I do not wear fancy clothes. Yet you have dressed yourself like somebody who does not have money when that is not true. [Enter CHARLES, ZEB, OLLIE, CAM] CHARLES Hello, Perdita! Why, what are you doing? When my wife was alive, she did an amazing job of planting flowers. Why are you acting so shy? Come, meet some of the other participants! 36 PERDITA [To OLLIE and CAM] Hi. I'm Perdita. I am good at planting flowers, but I find it quite boring. [Like the MTV slogan, "I want my MTV"] I want my C-SPAN, but my father disapproves. OLLIE Why, you are beautiful! Not a single one of these flowers could match your beauty! PERDITA Honestly, these flowers are much prettier than I am. Flowers are one of the few things that I know. I can easily tell the difference between a natural flower and a genetically engineered flower. I don’t care for flowers that do not look as if they were purely produced by nature. They do not seem to match in the gardens. When people say they like flowers like those, they are saying that they like the makeup a person wears and not the person underneath it. I won’t plant any flowers like those in my garden. CAM I could stare at you all day, every day! PERDITA [turning away, shyly] Don’t be so silly! You’d waste away by not doing anything else! [turning back to everybody] Oh, how I wish I could be as pretty as a natural flower! [pointing] I love how these Oriental lilies and pink trumpet vines look, [pointing] but these cultivated lilies, while still pretty, do not look as nice. FLORIAN 37 Every word you say sounds better than the last. You are too good to be true. PERDITA Aw, shucks, Douglas! OLLIE That is the prettiest farmer's daughter that I have ever seen. ZEB Why isn’t there any music playing? I could be entertaining so many people if music was playing! OLLIE Who is the boy that is with your daughter? CHARLES His name is Douglas. He says that he has money, and while it wouldn't matter, I believe him. [Enter LUCAS] LUCAS I have all kinds of clothes and jewelry to make women happy! I also have very silly songs to help cheer you up these days! I have heard that even though these songs are silly, they are perfectly true! There’s one about a woman who was pregnant with a sack of money who wanted to eat snakes’ heads and fried toads. There’s another about a woman who was turned into a fish for not agreeing to love a man who loved her. Witnesses have signed that these are true accounts. 38 ZEB Okay, I will buy some of the songs along with some of your jewelry. I had promised my girlfriend that I would buy her some jewelry and it is past the time I had promised it to her. I should probably buy something for her friend, too. That way, she is less likely to be angry at me. [Exit ZEB, LUCAS] [GOPHER pops up, NARRATOR with gopher sign] GOPHER Sir, there are some people here in funny costumes that call themselves dancers. The girls do not like it because they are not involved with the dancing. They claim that they have danced for the president. OLLIE Where are they? [GOPHER points (this can be audience participation if wanted; GOPHER could point out into audience and if people raise hands may be invited on stage but this is optional) and OLLIE watches] Well, that is interesting. Thank you for that. [Exit GOPHER, NARRATOR] OLLIE [To FLORIAN] I can tell that you are not thinking about the festival. A girl, huh? Why don’t you buy her something nice from that peddler? FLORIAN My girl doesn’t care about those trivial things. She cares that I give her my love and devotion. In fact, I am ready to declare my love to my girl and ask her father to give her permission to marry me. 39 CHARLES Do you feel the same way, my daughter? PERDITA This is exactly what I have wanted! CHARLES You may get married, then! CAM This is a true love! OLLIE Wait! Douglas, don’t you have a father? Don’t you think that you should tell him about this? FLORIAN I have a father, but he is not going to hear about this. Besides, I am of legal age and I don't need his permission to get married. It is Perdita who is not of legal age. OLLIE I think the most important guest at a wedding is the groom’s father. Is your father sick in some way so that he cannot attend? FLORIAN No, he is healthy. 40 OLLIE [Tearing off his disguise] I know that he is alive and healthy! Why you little . . . I know that you are my son, Florian! You will not marry that girl! Do you understand me? [to CHARLES] As for you, [like the Queen of Hearts from Disney’s Alice in Wonderland] it will be off with your head for letting my boy court your daughter! CHARLES What? That makes no sense! I have not broken the law Florian? How could you deceive me like that? What am I to do now? OLLIE I'm the governor. I can find a loophole to make it look like you've broken a law! PERDITA Oh, how I wish I had known. I love him, Daddy. What am I to do? [Exit OLLIE, CHARLES] [Enter LUCAS] LUCAS [to audience] I have had such a great day! I was able to get so many goods and so much money that it was like [like Joey from Blossom] Woah! I’m so glad that nobody recognized me! There was nobody to tell me to nip it in the bud! CAM 41 You, in the rags, come here! [LUCAS comes near CAM] Go exchange clothes with Florian and I will explain when you come back. [Exit LUCAS and FLORIAN] [Aside] I hope my plan works. [LIke John "Hannibal" Smith from The A-Team] I love it when a plan comes together. [Enter LUCAS, FLORIAN with clothes changed] Florian, you know your father’s temper. Going to talk to him right now is not a good idea. However, I’m certain that you will be accepted in Carlsbad when you come to tell Leo that Ollie wants to reconcile the friendship. We needed the ratty clothes so nobody would recognize the prince. We don’t want anybody reporting his departure to his father. I can give him what needs to be said to Leo. I know the secrets of both governors and I can easily write down what needs to be said. This way I can also go back to my home of Carlsbad. Then, it is likely that Leo will bless your marriage to Perdita. [Exit CAM, FLORIAN, PERDITA] [Enter ZEB and CHARLES] ZEB Listen to me, father! CHARLES No, son, you listen to me! 42 ZEB But dad . . . CHARLES But, dad nothing! Now . . . ZEB Now, listen, dad! I think I know of a way that the governor will not kill you. CHARLES Oh, what is that? ZEB Tell him that Perdita is not truly your daughter. Let him know that you found her abandoned on the beach. She is not of your flesh and blood, That way he knows that you did not purposely encourage his son to fall in love with your daughter. You are not trying to get any members of your family to marry just to obtain more money. You are perfectly happy with what you have after finding Perdita. [to LUCAS] Is the governor around anywhere? LUCAS No, he is not. His plane will be leaving soon, so you better catch up with him! [Exit CHARLES, ZEB, and LUCAS] 43 Act 5 Scene I - Apron of Stage [Enter NARRATOR] NARRATOR Now that Hermione and Linus have both died, the governor's mansion, while still the same, feels colder with its current emptiness. [Exit NARRATOR] Scene II - Carlsbad, CA Governor's Mansion [At rise, CLETUS, DION, LEO onstage] CLETUS Why, Leo, I think you can easily forgive yourself by now. You have been punishing yourself for years. Once you forgive yourself, then you can look for your dead wife . .. DION Ahem, that’s a new wife, not his dead one. Why would he want to marry a corpse? CLETUS But, he did not divor . . . DION Hermione died. A divorce is not needed. 44 CLETUS Of course a divorce is not needed! Hermione died! DION I just said . . . oh, nevermind. LEO Even if I forgive myself, I cannot stop thinking about Hermione. She was the most beautiful woman in all of California. Linus was the best son ever. Now, I don't have any heirs and I need at least one. I need to find somebody to marry. [Enter PAULINA, carrying letter from Magic Eight Ball] PAULINA Leo, the Magic Eight Ball said that in due time, an heir for you will be found. Please, promise me that you will not marry without my permission. I can see somebody that looks like Hermione that is meant for you. LEO [singing to the tune of "Go Tell Aunt Rhody"] I say, Paulina. I say, Paulina. I say, Paulina. I'll only marry with your word. [GOPHER pops up; NARRATOR holds sign] GOPHER A handsome young man and his beautiful girlfriend wish to see you. 45 LEO Let them come in. GOPHER I will show them to you. [Exit GOPHER, NARRATOR] [Enter FLORIAN, PERDITA] LEO Why, young man, you look so much like my good friend, Ollie! And, you, young lady must be the prettiest young lady in the world! PAULINA Shame on you, Leo, for forgetting your wife so soon! LEO I have not forgotten Hermione. In fact, Hermione was the only thing on my mind when I looked at this young lady. FLORIAN Uncle Leo, it is me! I have come here in order to reconcile and reestablish your friendship with my father. He couldn’t make the journey because he is ill. Yet, I can tell you of great news. Since my father is sick, he could not do it, so I have also come to ask you to bless my marriage to this wonderful young lady. 46 LEO What a joy! I, of course, give you my blessings! [Enter OLLIE] OLLIE Not so fast! I did not give my blessing to the two of them to get married! LEO Ollie, it is you! I am so glad that you are here! Why won’t you bless your son's marriage? OLLIE Her family is not involved in politics! She is a farmer’s daughter! [GOPHER pops up, NARRATOR holds gopher sign] GOPHER There are a farmer and a clown here to see you. LEO Let them come in. GOPHER I will show them to you. [Exit GOPHER, NARRATOR] [Enter CHARLES, ZEB] 47 CHARLES That young lady there, I found her when she was a baby. There was a hefty check with her. These documents were also found tucked in her clothing. LEO My daughter, Paulina! OLLIE Why, she does belong to a family that is involved in politics! Son, you may get married! LEO, OLLIE, FLORIAN Great happiness! PAULINA We must celebrate! Please, come to my house for dinner! [Exit all] Scene III - Paulina’s House [Enter PAULINA, LEO, OLLIE, FLORIAN, PERDITA] PAULINA Sit, enjoy your meals. 48 LEO It is difficult to enjoy my meal when I have heard that you own a statue that looks just like my wife. Some say it is so realistic that it seems the stone itself moves. PAULINA Yes, the sculptor is that talented. I will show you to it. [All follow PAULINA to a curtain; PAULINA reveals the statue behind the curtain.] Here it is! LEO Oh, it looks as though she is breathing! I could lean in and kiss those lips! PERDITA Please, don’t! The sculptor just finished repairing her lips and the stone is still wet! If you kiss them, then the statue will be ruined! I must close the curtain now. LEO Please, let me gaze upon the statue for a few more minutes. PERDITA Oh, I wish to look at my mother too. Is it true that the statue can move? PAULINA As long as you do not accuse me of evil or witchcraft, I will make the statue move. [All are silent, but nod in agreement] 49 Music! [A flourishing music plays and Hermione steps down. Leo puts his hand out to reach for her and they touch.] LEO Why, she is warm! That's not a statue! That's my wife! PERDITA Mother? HERMIONE Yes, it is me. LEO Paulina, I don’t understand. I saw Hermione die. How can she be alive now? PAULINA As I took her, she was cold and I thought she had died. However, it turned out that she had only fainted and recovered while in my care. She did not want to return to the palace because she was grieving her son and she was scared to be near you. HERMIONE Paulina, will you go get a camera? We need a picture! PAULINA That is a great idea! 50 [Exit PAULINA] [The rest gather together in a group to take a picture]. [Enter PAULINA with camera] PAULINA Okay, everybody say “Puppy!” ALL Puppy! [Flash from Camera goes off] [Curtains close and NARRATOR comes out carrying the picture they all took on a poster, stops in the middle and waits for curtain call]. 51 Character Information CAM - LEO's intern; Originally Shakespeare's Camillo. CHARLES - A farmer that lives in Callaway, FL; ZEB's father; Originally Shakespeare's Shepherd CLETUS - LEO's intern; Originally Shakespeare's Cleomenes DION - LEO's intern; has one small song; Originally Shakespeare's Dion EMILY - Warden of the Carlsbad, CA jail; HERMIONE's friend; Originally Shakespeare's Emilia FLORIAN - OLLIE's son; later PERDITA's boyfriend; Originally Shakespeare's Florizel GUS - PAULINA's husband; LEO's treasurer; one small song; Originally Shakespeare's Antigonus HERMIONE - LEO's wife; LINUS's mother; PERDITA's birth mother; Originally Shakespeare's Hermione LEO - Governor of Carlsbad, CA; LINUS's father; PERDITA's biological father; HERMIONE's husband; has one small song and one small sung line Originally Shakespeare's Leontes LINUS - Son of LEO and HERMIONE; Originally Shakespeare's Mamillius. LUCAS - Pickpocket; one small song; Originally Shakespeare's Autolycus. NARRATOR - Narrator; new character OFFICER/GOPHER/PILOT - Officer/Gopher/Pilot (all three played by one person); Originally Shakespeare's Officer/Gopher/Mariner (though his were most likely separate actors) OLLIE - Governor of Callaway, FL; FLORIAN's father; Originally Shakespeare's Polixenes PAULINA - HERMIONE's housekeeper and friend; Originally Shakespeare's Paulina PERDITA - Biological daughter of LEO and HERMIONE; Originally Shakespeare's Perdita ZEB - CHARLES's son; Originally Shakespeare's Clown. 52 Character/Costume/Makeup Notes The governors (LEO, OLLIE), the wife (HERMIONE), and the children (FLORIAN, LINUS) should all be dressed nicely. It is most likely that the governors wear suits (or at least business clothes), the wives wear conservative dresses, and the children are dressed nicely. When OLLIE is disguised, he can just have random raggedy patches on his clothes that he tears off. LEO and LINUS need a mark on the nose that looks similar and this should be maintained throughout the whole play even though LINUS is only in the play for a short time. When FLORIAN is dressed a Douglas, he is dressed in casual clothing. The OFFICER/GOPHER/PILOT is to be played by one actor. The identity changes with a change of hat with the name of the character on it identification After Act 2, Scene VI, it is important that HERMIONE is no longer pregnant as she was in the earlier acts. As a comedic play, this could easily be done with the old pillow under the clothing gag. After HERMIONE is "dragged" offstage in Act 3 Scene I, she needs to be taken back to costumes in order to have a gray wig, gray clothes (all tones of gray that blend), and any showing skin covered in gray makeup. HERMIONE is pregnant all through CHARLES should be dressed in farming clothes such as overalls and perhaps a straw hat and should show that he is an older man. ZEB is literally a clown and he should always be wearing the clown outfit, the clown facepaint, and the clown hair. The nose may be one that is worn or simply painted. This is decided among the cast and crew doing the production. PERDITA is to wear casual clothing until she and FLORIAN go to visit LEO. At that time, they wear dress clothing. NARRATOR should be dressed differently than the rest of the characters, but also dressed nicely. Dressing NARRATOR in some type of gaudy suit or dress would add to the comic effect of the play. 53 Property List Magic Eight Ball Letter Sign that says "Magic Eight Ball of Snyder, TX" Swaddled doll Sign that says "Officer" Sign that says "Gopher" Sign that says "Pilot" Sign with rain drops on it Rain drop sticker or rain drop that has sticky on back (perhaps velcro) somehow Sign with picture of a bear Check (may be oversized for comic effect, but does not have to be) Cell phone Papers Camera Sign with family picture Property Details The signs are most likely stiff board on a dowel big enough for the audience to see. 54 Set Details Being that the play is comedic, it is ideal (but not necessary) that the set is also comedic. In Act 2, Scene VI, it is important that HERMIONE appears as if she is in a jail cell and is not just in the room with PAULINA and EMILY. In Act 5, Scene II, it is important that HERMIONE, as a "stone statue" is behind the curtain 55 Character Scene Chart 56