Alice Darcel

DESCENT 1 2 DESCENT Alice Darcel 3 Descent Copyright © 2019 by Alice Darcel. All rights reserved. All parts of this book may not be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author, except by reviewers, who may quote brief passages in a review. Illustrations by Alice Darcel: p.19, p.20, p.32, p.60, p.68, p.72 Co-written with Robin: p.29 “First Love” Co-written with Adelisa: p.68 “Butterfly” This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictionally. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. 4 Thanks to my mom, to Robin and all my friends who helped turn this crazy idea of mine into reality It started with a few notes in my phone and then became thousands of words which combined, had a purpose I was for a long time scared of sharing these very personal parts of my life with strangers, but I thought it was worth to give you a part of my soul 5 Le Code de la propriété intellectuelle interdit les copies ou reproductions destinées à une utilisation collective. Toute représentation ou reproduction intégrale ou partielle fait par quelque procédé que ce soit sans le consentement de l’auteur ou de ses ayants cause est illicite et constitue une contrefaçon sanctionnée par les articles L.335-2 et suivants du Code de la propriété intellectuelle. 6 Descent noun 1. 1. an act of moving downwards, dropping, or falling. ‘the plane had gone into a steep descent’ 7 8 9 INTRODUCTION I always remember being sensitive to sounds, as when birds were chirping outside my childhood’s bedroom window, I could not concentrate on anything else at all. I remember feeling extreme anxiety when my teacher even just said my name. And for a long time I though this was what everybody was feeling, then thought I was just overreacting to then later come to the realization I am not the only one feeling this way, and it is not a bad thing. Being sensitive might sound annoying but by thinking that much, you also create gold with thoughts you thought were useless but if you write them down immediately and put them together, you get art. Also fueled with empathy, I usually tend to absorb other’s emotions, creating endless shifts in my way of feeling, though usually imperceptible by others as hiding became second nature. I always enjoyed reading and getting inside the protagonist’s mind and into endless adventures. Though I only recently started writing myself, I actually started with “Is this me” which you will find very soon in the book, I just wrote down what I thought and made it rhyme. As months went by, I continued writing sentences appearing in my head here and then, to realize if put together made poems. This is how the book was born, I started writing on different subjects, mostly free-verse poetry as a way of expressing what I felt and used to always keep inside. 10 I hope you will enjoy this book, as you will enter a small portion of my mind and be able observe my highs and lows. As it is written chronically, you’ll see the evolution of my vision of the world: a messy presentation of how my mind works when constantly altering, turned into something positive. You are not the only one. I want you to remember darkness never stays forever, you won’t always make the best decision, but no matter what, stay true to yourself. Love always, Alice 11 Is this me Who am I and when? Do you know who you’re talking to? I don’t think you do I don’t even know if I do Is this me? Is that the real me? Or just a different entity A new made up identity You don’t know this new me I put back my pieces differently I wish I could differentiate And not dissociate But I don’t think I would accommodate I am not the person you knew I need to start over as someone new It has been so long since I last saw myself That I don’t know who my real self is I don’t think I could recognize this person Do you know this person? I heard it is me. This is what it does to you It drowns you It feeds on you And whatever you think you can do 1 It will win over you But in the same time, it made you It gave you the opportunity to feel It helped to hide all those things you were feeling inside But at the end of the day, if you stopped It would all come back And when you get out of its claws And you think you’re free You realize you’re not who you thought you would be You realize it’s not how you thought it would be You’re not who you used to be Do you see? This is me. I feel all this negative energy It wins over me And I will always have to fight against those entities Who I keep mistaking for me That try to get to me I’m the only one who can get to me I must win me This is me. And I can’t tell you about what I have accomplished As proud as I am of it, if only you could realize As I would be demolished To see the judgment in your eyes This is me. 2 Half of the time, I don’t know what I’m doing With the racket all those sounds, lights and smells are making And I get overwhelmed I always get overwhelmed Trying to hide my panicking under layers of lies as I don’t want them knowing They can’t know They should never know They will never know That this is me. I feel constantly tired That I sleep 1 or 8 hours or more My brain is tired It won’t take this mess anymore It’s like I’m not even there Am I all there? Am I here? This can’t be me. This won’t be me. As I’m ruled by empathy Ruled by jealousy Unsteadily deep in perplexity Is it really a necessity? But now I think I'm possessed My thoughts are unprocessed Even though they're constantly addressed 3 And they keep making me oppressed Putting me in a constant state of unrest If only they could be put to rest I would be impressed I wish I would stop making mistakes But I don’t have what it takes I wish I could let go of my past But this story won’t be the last And I won’t be having a blast I wish I could stop lying But for a second, it’s satisfying I find myself regressing As life is too aggressively distressing Maybe it’s myself that I’m losing I feel like I’m dying 220 days later after everything is over I guess I just went through a turnover Maybe you can never really pass over Being the only way I got, is it clever? I wish I would stop hiding the fact that I’m weak Under all those layers They think I’m positive But I only hide what I repress They think I’m funny But I only hide my distress They think I’m happy But I only hide my sadness They think I’m outgoing 4 But I only hide that I’m less This isn’t me. Will you forgive me for my mistakes? Do you think I have what it takes? All I know Is that I don’t know If this is me. Alice Darcel, 2018 5 6 7 8 Welcome to my mind, 9 Dismissal from Responsibility The angel people see What is not really me While my demons are contained deep inside Waiting for a breach of my sanity To finally be unleashed Until the craziness is gone 10 The Good and the Bad Looking at you through the mirror We look alike but we are so distinct We are so different but we are actually the same And we cannot live without one another 11 Outbreak of Senses Heart pounding as if an angry lion is trying to break out of my chest Making my entire body quiver at the sight Your presence smothering my whole being The animal is almost through Eliciting unimaginable agony Not grasping reality I am holding to it with one breath The one you keep on taking away Reality goes away as the numbness settles Entering a world of derealization The beast has gone through Leaving me empty Body hovering over the cold untouchable ground The only feeling left Being the fear of indecision Between flying away or going back 12 Void She fell back into the void Emptiness of a black hole Filled with endless darkness Surrounded by hurtful memories she buried inside Only in the black hole they will be able to resurface Hiding inside feeding on our pain 13 Was every teardrop fake? 14 Faking Ownership Feeling completely destroyed from the inside Putting up a facade in front of others So close to the pain even though fighting it away All those self-inflicted distorted memories That get constantly messed up What reality am I in today? Absorbing people’s energy as I am making them my own Liberating them from the pain Only to make mine worse Owned by feelings Which depends on the crowd They are the ones who decide 15 Happy Moments You need to cherish those happy moments You have to try to remember them clearly They will help you get through tough times eventually Trust me 16 17 Worship For years, I worshiped this Thinking it was making me stronger But it was only eating my insides Making me weaker I always needed a cause and a reason A reason to live A reason to survive Manifesting as a molecule or a person But it was wrong I was wrong Because nothing stays forever 18 What I wish I could tell you: Another reality When you are reading a book do you ever start getting so involved into the story you start believing you actually are in its universe? You are feeling the pain, love and happiness the narrator expresses as if it were yours. And when you finally finish the book, you need time to get your feet back on the ground of your reality. What book was it for you? 19 Who? I am the ghost the shadow of who I was before I ceased existing Staring at my own ashes disappearing slowly from the floor As they are dispersing into thin air Forever 20 Sometimes I wonder if I could stay in my dreams forever 21 Future You If you think happiness is unreachable You should be reasonable Speak the unspeakable Realize the inconceivable Achieve the unachievable Beat the unbeatable In short Make yourself into Who you want to be 22 The Past I have made myself at home in the past It won’t let me go It keeps on pulling me back It won’t set me free 23 At times I wonder if I’m even a part of this reality 24 Bullying Do not let people walk over you When in doubt Remind yourself By caring You already are better than any of them If you have the strength Defend yourself They never expect that Even though In the end You always were the winner, anyway 25 Home You try to bring me down Though I am already where I belong I swear I hate me more than you do 26 The Fall Constantly on the verge of a panic attack Holding it back until it explodes Here it is the fall Beware for bruises 27 Down Being near you was As if I was falling through a bottomless unending hole Whenever I stepped on the ground You revealed more of yourself to me And ripped the floor out from under me By the time I even realized I was falling I could no longer see the top But I wish I could never stop falling 28 First Love He shouldn’t have let me get so close to him The feelings of when he kept me warm I tortured myself even more by listening to music Constantly being pulled back into you I was in the wrong for staying near him when she was there God help me when he rejected me My friends should have warned me Oh, how wrong I was.. When he kissed her As if he was pulling a knife into my chest every time Remember the party, I kept on hugging him every five minutes My face getting dangerously close to his neck Many happy couples around me… including him But I was just standing there Alone As usual I took a walk to shake off the feeling of temptation Unfortunately, These things never work Eventually, I got over it 29 It’s Your Shot When an opportunity challenges you You have to grab it Before it disappears As life will not always give you enough time Do not think about the consequences Just do what you think is right 30 Alternate Universe I want to create another reality One where I could be happy One where I could lose the pain One where I could forget I am my own nightmare But I am going to be my own dream 31 I am shattering into pieces from the inside out at the sight of you 32 Two-Side road Life is filled with two things Disappointment and happiness If you want happiness Fight for it If you want disappointment Just let it be 33 Curse Have the demons been invoked? Turning into a failure It is a strange feeling Seeing no exit Defying the odds of logic The affliction of the damning curse The denunciation of a malediction the misfortune it causes Is this convenient enough for you? 34 Emotional Self-Abuse These voices Telling me to stop I am not the one in control All this time You were 35 You are asking me to not turn away but you are the one who taught me how 36 Digging If you were trying to dig down through all those layers of lies You’ll discover I am just a terrified little kid Hiding under her bed 37 Happiness Stop focusing on things you do not have Try to open your eyes You will see what is standing right in front of you It will be even better Than anything you could have imagined Stop looking for it Only when you stop Will it come to you 38 39 40 One kindred spirit, 41 Lured into believing Eyes boring into each other’s soul Magnetized by the intensity of the situation We both felt the pull Yanking us forward Heartbeat synchronizing Stuck on the spot Each other’s presence preventing anything else There was just the two of us Out of breath The end of the world could have commenced We wouldn’t have acknowledged it The earth’s willingness swallowing the distance between our two bodies Becoming one The energy we had felt Still lingering between us As we both came to understand This was the start of something Neither of us knew how to handle 42 Serendipity Something unexpected but fortunate A discovery happening by accident Probably the only real definition of love 43 What I wish I could tell you: The Flash Have you ever felt an instant connection when you met someone? As if you knew them all along and were destined to meet them again. You feel connected to this person in ways you cannot even understand, and you do not have any control over it. All you know is that their presence calms you and it feels like home. Who was it? 44 Misguided Affection Establishing a bond As deep as love Of no ephemeral nature We both knew this was going to last Even if we didn’t allow it 45 Melody And I hear this melody Oh, so sweet and heavenly But only bringing a catastrophe Am I losing my sanity? 46 The one Don’t you get that I see you everywhere in everything? You are it Your fingerprint could be found in almost all my thoughts In all the stars, when I take the bus, when I walk in the street, You are it A hint of familiarity, I feel your presence whether you are present or not You are it The answer You are my star The one which will never stop shining The one who will never lose its light 47 Inflection Sometimes, I want you to come back Most of the time I do not Though you still haunt my thoughts every single day How is that even possible? 48 You’re Scarring me The loneliness was sending me to fight countless hopeless battles Though the war ended a long time ago It still left me with lifelong scars 49 The Wondering Did I mess everything up? Or did I just make everything up? Will I ever know? 50 Regret The way you looked at me I was going to give you everything I would have if only you had stayed Remind me why you left? 51 Lies They said we would be okay They lied to me as they lied to you This time I will let you go At least we will have a good story to tell 52 Chant Is it wrong if I still look for you in everyone? I idolized you for way too long I see you moved on When will it be my turn? 53 What if What if I found you? What would I even say? What would I even do? Do I have anything to say? I do have one question Floating over me haunting me Why? 54 I Have Questions There are still so many unanswered questions So many I should ask Only one remains The only constant one Are you happy now? 55 Melodía I still miss you Every time I see your face I remember All our memories All the disappearing happiness The line of our love was thin Yet the connection was undeniable 56 Enjoy I hope one day you will forget And start enjoying the littles things of life again I only wish you the best Maybe you won’t believe me but I just want to let you know The resentment went away 57 58 Starting over, 59 Rose You were a rose Roses have thorns Those thorns will hurt you Only if you come too close You used to be a rose Now you are just a thorn Roses You were a rose I was a cause For you to hurt Pricked by your thorn Back to be torn Left there to mourn 60 Wreck Happiness was reckless In the way it could be forgotten Or cut out In no time Let me live my delusion Stop scarring my thoughts Look what you have made of me 61 The Return They are coming I can hear them crawling My worst fear My demons An old part of me Is on its way back You cannot control it You can only witness it They are on their way 62 Hidden Escape Fleeing the unspoken reality in which we cannot be one on a brief impromptu adventure, serene instant we lacked Our cherished peace felt dreadfully heavy So excessively attempting to make those rare instants perfect for what we lost parts of ourselves within We created our home during those moments Getting a glimpse of how it would be if we were together in the real world Keeping those thoughts silent Unspoken agreement we would follow To protect our hearts Of been evermore crushed We inevitably had to go back Leaving those moments to wonder in the air Silently questioning if we would ever be able to escape at least one more time In our eyes, tears threatening to fall As we both looked through each other’s soul Secretly seeing how terrified we both were Wordless I love you delicately flying into the wind Before we separated once again 63 The Descent I do not want to hear the sounds of my own thoughts It is almost there I have to get ready My mind slowly becoming blurry The fog taking its rightfully owned place 64 Can’t cure the synchronicity 11:11 65 What I wish I could tell you: Thinking Do you ever look at something, any object and you just get lost in your head because you start to imagine how it was built, where it came from, who worked on it and all the feelings associated with it since the beginning? All the emotions that went through the making of this object? Like how the man who cut the wood lost his wife or how the seller just had a baby. Your mind always analyzing everything, some people would think this is messy, but it is what makes our minds beautiful. 66 Only one Certainty Do not give up on trusting people Just for one person It could make you miss on some surprising times It took me years to realize Do not make the same mistakes others did Follow your own path As you should 67 Butterfly You have power to give life to your dreams Mistakes are foundations of our hopes Settle on them to build your undestined future Said errors have more coherence than presumed All were destined to be in your path Misbeliefs you thought you obtained Are only hidden wisdom 68 Don’t throw it all away Trying to tell you no All we had were simple rules to play by I do not make the decisions anymore You do Deception is written on my face 69 What I wish I could tell you: The never-ending tree of decisions Do you ever imagine that there are other alternative universes in which everything is different but not too much. Like in this one you are happily married, in this other one you live abroad, or you are famous or a CEO? What if every little decision we did not choose ends up becoming an alternate universe; an alternate line. What if all those decisions, those alternate universes are stored somewhere. Just imagine this big immensely never-ending growing tree starting from where you were born and each decision you take or that is taken in your place is another branch and this branch splits into other branches and so on. So many decisions with thousands of outcomes, a little tiny detail could change the entire path. If you left work early and ended up crashing into the love of your life, what if that day, you had stayed five more minute to finish that project, would you have ever met them? What if you forced yourself to stay at an event and ending up been offered an amazing job position, what if you actually left early, you would never know everything could have changed? I know we can remake the world with “what if”, but it is beautiful to think about this tree and how it does not exist but actually is inside of your mind and you are constantly making new branches appear. 70 Whirlwind of Thoughts You were a tornado who came through my life destroyed everything and got praised for it The more you think about it The less it makes sense You were a blank canvas Opposed to change and empty Surviving on pain with an intoxicating draining presence Toying and fiddling with my heart Both can play this game Thank the endless possibilities of the mind 71 Pick-up Radio The light of a new beginning Shadow of our goodbyes I remember while hearing that song I became conscious the end of an era has come It becoming the anthem of our now distant memories 72 Only for a Second It happened once again One of those longing looks Brown meets blue and just for an instant it was as if the universe was only made of you and I 73 Celestial Body You are like the sky Sunny, beautiful, and full of light You are the dark, angry, empty sky Making us hide inside You bring the storm Though even when dark and dangerous The star-spangled sky captures the eye You can be many things But will never stay the same We stare at the sky wondering its mysteries But it only blinds us 74 Still Sorry for the delusion Till we can start time over Illusion will persist Love on the tip of our tongue Lust is all that will be left 75 Distortion You say I have changed But maybe, Perhaps you are the one responsible for said change 76 Ghost of you I live along with the shadow of you The you I have created To accompany me during hard times It is the one you seem to have forgotten Now only existing in my mind Permanently inked into my soul We are bound to be separated Bound to lose one another for good this time Be ready 77 Handling it Differently Whatever situation you are currently in Wherever you are standing You are meant to be Remind yourself to live in the moment Because the present is the only time you have control of 78 Singularity Mistress of the dark Impossible to reach Nested in your unharmed empire of a life Emerging only in the night 79 Feared Result Nothing compares to the fear of indecision Predator choosing of its first prey In risk of taking the chosen wrong decision In the everyday game we are forced to play 80 The Feeling of Love The right connection, heart begins to skip it is never motionless, it would jump if it had legs it is never calm, it would shout if it had a tongue The excitement within, such a glorious joy from the inside The feeling of love an illusion to the mind, captivating as ever Unending thoughts, unending thirsts All to be with the person, the amazing one Ever a busy mind, the special one keeps dominating As a puppet in the hands of its master A subject bound to the affection the feeling of love, the strongest of its kind Which brings happiness to the mind in bliss, it smiles like one being tickled The feeling of love an enslaved mind wearing a smile 81 Departing Clouds The sky had opened up last night and the blue-ish early morning offered no clemency The water trying hard to reflect your beauty I felt myself falling deeper the only thing I could do was smile 82 83 84 Fall from the sky with me, 85 The Start Your presence awakening my senses Though before unseen Gone in a blimp Leaving me to wonder who you were Days later The first time I saw you I recognized you instantly Even though I had never seen your face That was the beginning 86 The Moment I wonder if anybody is actually able to name a time in their life when they knew it was going to change forever I wondered if yours happened As for me It was only one syllable It only took you one second to say 87 U You just sat there So close Yet so out of reach Your bright, deep green eyes Your cute nose Your sultry voice That smile That damn smile The perfume you always wear The way you don’t notice you bite your nails and crack your knuckles when you’re anxious I have seen the things you have done Read what you have written You’re unknowingly brilliant Each morning your face replaces the darkness my soul is made of Just by your presence you make me feel ecstatic As a young child on Christmas day 88 Our wishful WONDERLAND I met you in my dreams Where we could find our place Our own limitless world Blessed by the odds Filled with unattainable happiness we would never find outside of our fantasy 89 The sweetest kind of torture imaginable Gazing out into the distant galaxies in your eyes As I felt the intense green gaze piercing my soul Deep down I knew I had fallen for those eyes It lasts for a minute It lasts for a lifetime 90 Torture You do not want to look at me Don’t you dare look at me Not even a look? Don’t I deserve one? Do you even care at all? Stop torturing me 91 Anything I still hoped I would get a chance Even though I already knew and accepted the sad reality I did not stand a chance You will never see me as I see you But I will take what I can get Anytime 92 What I wish I could tell you: Destined to try Do you think it would be easier if we were told what will happen before it happens? Or would it just make us try and change our destiny, trying to make it better? But it would be destroying hopes, only becoming a distant feeling We wouldn’t be hoping for something special, but we would be hoping for specific things to change The universe was made like that for a reason You don’t know what will happen, but you have to continue to discover it yourself 93 Sky She looks like an angel Writes like heaven Could cause and cure heartbreaks with a smile She makes mortals fall from the sky And when they arrive down on earth They realize she already left 94 Niebo I see you above the sky Beyond the sun High up in space Along all the other stars Except you are shining brighter than any of them 95 The light You lost the light you once had in your eyes That glimmer that made me come alive Now they are dark and empty I guess we have one thing in common Still Day after day You are my only light I would be with you to say I caught a star from the sky 96 Refuge to Safety In your eyes I sought shelter Trying to find what was left of us 97 Hit and run You came around again You knew it destroyed me every time I barely had time to recover You would be back with a smile before leaving again You only came around when you needed me You damn well knew the power you had on me You enjoyed each and every drop of it Have you ever been there when I needed you? The only difference being You like me While I love you 98 Disappearance You were looking at me As soon as I looked back at you You vanished Transforming into a distant memory 99 Wishing for Else When you looked at me The emptiness went away Even though you were the one responsible for said emptiness Desolated wasteland induced by the infinite blue Every day, I wish I had never fallen for you. 100 Hope The clock is ticking Why am I still here? Still waiting for you Even though I do realize I already lost You are the one giving me hope Every time you come back smiling This is the reason I am clinging to the hope Maybe One day I will have a shot For it the blame is placed upon you You are always giving me hope Hope is uncontrollable Hope is sorrow Bitterness unwanted necessity You sadly define me 101 The Line The line was crossed by both of us a long time ago We both were in too deep Even when all my hopes melted When you gave me that look It was all it took Your eyes pulling me in leaving me to drown You are so glowingly beautiful the stars cannot even compete with you When did you start looking at me differently? Why did you stop looking at me differently? Do you think in another universe I would be worthy of you? I bet that we could light up the sky 102 The Cat and Mouse Game The way we were made I was trying to convince myself you missed me You looked back as on cue All the hopes faded Along with the illusion of a me and you 103 Solar Constant You were the sky And I wanted to be your sun Lighting up your day Only you were already the entirety of my reflection The sun is made to light up the sky Just if the sky admitted it 104 Permanently Bound to You I found it harder and harder to deny whatever it was I was denying I could feel my heart fluttering around my ears Time passed but the feelings didn’t I guess my heart was as tenacious as I am 105 Orb of Night As I looked into your eyes The moon’s reflection in them I felt my eyes widen as I gazed up at the sky serenated by the safe sound of your voice In moments like this one I wonder why I ever thought this was a bad idea 106 The use of Tricks Why do I kept on looking at you as if you were not using me You had me hooked on the hope of a chance I have learned all your tricks I will enjoy the last teardrop 107 Guarded I tried to understand you You are the most complicated being I have ever met I am usually good at reading people People reek of emotions and energies You do not let anything transpire Either you are extremely good at hiding Or you are really devoid of everything The more I studied you, the more I realized you’re a mystery. 108 We’re Going Home Pondering the wisdom of your decision Your green eyes piercing my soul every time you so much as glanced at me It being the only time I felt alive The rest of the time Only existing as a shadow Bare, empty, non-existent 109 Devoid of Color I feel like as if I were next to the memory of you Though you were the one devoid of emotions You are sightless I then placed my hand on my chest Seeking for sharp edges breaking out of my heart 110 Another Kind of Game I felt myself falling back into it The bait The game in which you confined me in for so long that it left me bare I have been told I have to be careful when it comes to you I promise I was 111 Concern Today someone asked me what I like about you Could you believe I forgot the answer? 112 Undive My mind was left to collapse Mesmerized by your presence Nothing existed except for you Too much in a daze to protest the unexpressed reality A replacement, fragment of an unexploited loss Though an unstoppable fall being contained 113 The Play This game we played The one you pretended did not exist I was dangerous as I did not know when to stop… Then again so were you 114 Blue vs. Red You said, ‘You have to try and do what you want to do, like if you want to be with someone’ I looked up at you and answered, ‘Sometimes you’re just too scared of doing what you want to do because you’re afraid of the consequences… and being rejected’ I wondered if we were both thinking about the same thing 115 Gone I was internally screaming No! This could not be happening I had outlined each way this could have ended Everything! But you, leaving right in the middle of everything I lost my inspiration I lost the reason I kept coming back to I lost my excuse to smile 116 Emptiness If you cared enough to check You would have been able to see the emptiness Through my eyes Quickly settling into my soul 117 Shallow You will not use me anymore under false pretenses You lost the power you had over me Now I just see you as you really are Nothing I stopped looking for the bright sky Night fell upon us a long time ago 118 Farewell From the start This was headed nowhere Glancing at the sky You could notice Its colors changing From blue To gray To a blurry white 119 Hollow You were all I wanted Since the beginning, I knew I could never have you You do not deserve to know how I used to look at you You are just a shallow soul floating through I am no longer living vicariously through you Can you feel the freedom? 120 Checkmate I cannot help but imagine all the ways this could have gone better There is no point anymore Where are we going That pace is not working I wondered if I lost you Although you were never mine to begin with Once in a blue moon you just have to let the things you love go. As I looked at you one last time I saw the dark sky getting clearer For one last time I looked at the sky It had never been so bright For the first time With different eyes I noticed 121 Freedom 122 INDEX Welcome to my mind, Alternate Universe - 31 Bullying - 25 Chaos - 10 Curse - 34 Digging - 37 Dismissal from Responsibility - 10 Down - 28 Emotional self-abuse - 35 Faking Ownership - 15 First Love - 29 Future You - 22 Happiness - 38 Happy Moments - 16 Home - 26 It's Your Shot - 30 Outbreak of Senses - 12 The Fall - 27 The Good and the Bad - 11 The Past - 23 Two-side road - 33 Void - 13 What I wish I could tell you: Another Reality - 19 Who? - 20 Worship - 18 123 One kindred spirit, Chant - 53 Enjoy - 57 I Have Questions - 55 Inflection - 48 Lies - 52 Lured into Believing - 42 Melodia - 56 Melody - 46 Misguided Affection - 45 Regret - 51 Serendipity - 43 The One - 47 The Wondering - 50 What I wish I could tell you: The Flash - 44 What if - 54 You're Scarring Me - 49 Starting over, Butterfly - 68 Celestial Body - 74 Departing Clouds - 82 Distortion - 76 Don't Throw it all Away - 69 Feared Result - 80 Ghost of You - 77 Handling it Differently - 78 Hidden Escape - 63 Only for a Second - 73 124 Only One Certainty - 67 Pick-up Radio - 72 Rose - 60 Roses - 60 Singularity - 79 Still - 75 The Descent - 64 The Feeling of Love - 81 The Return - 62 What I wish I could tell you: The never-ending Tree of Decisions - 70 What I wish I could tell you: Thinking - 66 Whirlwind of Thoughts - 71 Wreck - 61 Fall from the sky with me, Another Kind of Game - 111 Anything - 92 Blue vs Red - 115 Checkmate - 121 Concern - 112 Devoid of Color - 110 Disappearance - 99 Emptiness - 117 Farewell - 119 Gone - 116 Guarded - 108 Hit and Run - 98 Hollow - 120 125 Hope - 101 Niebo - 95 Orb of Night - 106 Our wishful WONDERLAND - 89 Permanently Bound to You - 105 Refuge to Safety - 97 Shallow - 118 Sky - 94 Solar Constant - 104 The Cat and Mouse Game - 103 The Light - 96 The line - 102 The Moment - 87 The play - 114 The Start - 86 The Sweetest Kind of Torture Imaginable - 90 The Use of Tricks - 107 Torture - 91 U - 88 Undive - 113 We're Going Home - 109 What I wish I could tell you: Destined to try - 93 Wishing for Else - 100 126 127