Adenike Lydia Adediji

If I were asked Who Am I? What would I say?. I thought about this and began to ask my friends and family who they thought I was and they began to tell their opinions about me. Some said I am a small girl who likes playing and I laughed. I even argued that I am a full grown adult. Some said I am a confident girl who knows how to stand up for herself. Others said various things like I am brilliant, I am free,calm,Jovial and all sorts of things. Some even said their first impression of me was that I was a strict and wicked person. Thinking of all these does not answer the question, who am I?. I began to think through my memory box back to when I was growing up wanting to discover my identity and I felt lost. I didn’t feel alive because I was not feeling my sense of identity and I felt trapped in a box called Life. It felt like everyone knew who I was except myself and I bursted out in tears. I began to realize that I accepted what people had to say about me. I did not even realize that my sense of identity was fading and I became a shell of myself. People’s opinions about me began to matter so much that I only wanted to live up to their impression of me. I go where I am told, do what I am told, wear and eat according to their taste which makes them own my identity. Fear and doubt became my sisters and brothers making me lose confidence in myself. To other people when they see me, they see a confident and outspoken lady, but within, I feel trapped in the four walls of my mind resulting in low self esteem. I surrendered myself to be caged into the expectations and wishes others had for me and lived their dream for them. I felt abandoned,betrayed and empty of myself for pleasing others. At zero price I sold out my self worth and esteem because I sensed since they know my name then they know who I am. I wasted a whole lot of myself wanting to be who I was not, people’s opinions became a definition of me. I began to apologize for being myself because it was not pleasing to some people. Once I am not amongst that set of people, I live freely. But when they were within reach, I lived and behaved as they wanted, which was most of the time. Even when they are not around, they have tampered with my mind so that I feel they are always around to caution me. I realized I know much about myself but did not know who I was.I built my Identity, fitting into the space of people I felt I connected with. My standards and personality changed as often as I changed my clothes. I was always looking for a form of reassurance from people. No matter where I went, I must not do anything wrong as nothing was accepted as a mistake. Even when I go to places and I want to behave like I ought to, unconsciously, my other identity will pop out and take over. I became bipolar of myself and saw myself having split personalities. I noticed my identity issues were always about my knowledge, special talents, religion and social status, physical appearance, relationships and recognition etc. And all these are not ME. I didn't even know which of my feelings were real. I felt emotionless for a long period as I was weak and dead within. I wanted to feel even a little form of love and assurance so I can keep pushing my will to live. Beneath my cheerful appearance, there is an insecure and non smiley face which feels like the real me. One day, I began to think of what I would become if this set of people left someday. I realized that once they left, I left also and all that I felt I had achieved will be gone also and the question popped up again”Who am I”?. After realizing I could not answer the question, I decided to start finding my identity. I started by saying how sorry I was for betraying and abandoning myself for people. I said sorry for not being honest about who I was. I apologized for not standing up for my choices and decisions. I expressed regret for not taking time to discover myself on time and allowing me to slave out myself. I was apologetic for not being the creator of my own world and reality. I apologized to myself for all the wrong doings I had done and wanted to correct all my wrongs. After expressing regrets, I began a journey of life and identity discovery. I realized it’s a puzzle I have to solve and the pieces were scattered all over. I needed to find the scattered and missing pieces before I could start solving the puzzle. I began a journey within me to look for myself because I knew I still had my identity in me but it was just hidden and locked up. I began to experience the sharpest pains of memory but had to endure for the end product I wanted. Just like what Arianna Huffington said “The journey towards self-discovery is life’s greatest adventure”, I continued in the journey. I began to realize who I was at the deepest part of me and I found peace which I thought I had until when the pieces of the puzzle began to come together and I began to have a little sense of who I was, I discovered the real definition of peace. I found my real self buried underneath people’s needs and I began to dig them out. I started to think for myself and moved out of my comfort zone only to find out how empowered I have become. Aristotle said”Knowing yourself is the beginning of Wisdom” which I agree with. I saw my person in a new embodiment and began to recreate myself. I willed to be not just a follower but a builder. I knew what was deserving of me and did not accept any less. I needed no one’s approval to be who I am and I stuck to that. I was mindful of who I allowed into my space so as not to fall back into what I was struggling to come out from. It was because I did not place a worth in myself hence others felt I was not n’t worth it. I was not in love with myself and was not clear on how I wanted to be treated. I never knew I could be an amazing individual because I was always saying yes to others and no to myself. Now, I am who I am and not what others want or say I am. Today, Tomorrow and future to come, I am me and no one could be more like me than I. Having fought against the critics and pain of the past and conquered,I am free indeed. I know myself, I have an identity to my person and if asked who I am, I can boldly say WHO I AM. Can you identify yourself, ask yourself WHO ARE YOU?.